The Irony Gods
by Cyh Scaevola
Summary: Comedy, Tragedy, Chaos, and Order: When foreign gods and one lost kid invade Togenkyo, Kannon sees fit to make the Sanzo party deal with it. Pie, Battle Twister, and violence abound. STARK RAVING SANE. COMPLETE! /!NEW!\ Omake I: Kou's and Lyds' B-Days.
1. Sanity: A Total Lack Thereof

**The Irony Gods: Chapter 1**** (EDITED)**

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**(The following is a true story I made up. Props to Daniel Tosh!)**

_**Disclaimer:**__ The characters depicted in the ensuing tale are purely fictional (at least to my immediate knowledge). Lydia is not a self-insert, so she and any other OCs I create are my own property and copyrighted under fair-use._

_In addition, the "Saiyuki" characters are the sole property and copyright of Kazuya Minekura and anyone else she wants them to belong to. This is just a fanfic, not a copyrighted work, so I suppose you people may do with it what you will, so long as you don't post it as your own ramblings. That's called plagiarism, and that's wrong, according to my AP English teacher._

_**Side Note:**__ To anyone who may care to know, there is no romance in this fic-just a few dirty jokes and a ton of violence and madness. All the mushy stuff is in "The Sequel", not here._

**_Side-Side Note (5/11/2013):_**_ If you are a returning reader, a__t the very bottom of this chapter you will find a special note. *hugs*_

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_**Sanity: A Total Lack Thereof**_

As most people of sane disposition are wont to point out, the common housecat cannot speak fluent Latin, fiction is not reality, and that thing growing on the back of Adam's neck is probably not an alien implant, but a malignant case of Melanoma (much to Adam's dismay, I might add). However, sometimes the fabric of reality can warp and bend, eventually becoming something akin to a hole in one's undergarments, but more cone-shaped, and glowing neon blue and silver.

I'd like to beat the guy who invented the digital projector.

Movie day in Economics. Deceptively enjoyable.

Mr. Wood decreed that the end of the year should go out with a bang, thus I had brought along my trusty Ren and Stimpy box set, intent on nearly an hour of twisted entertainment and psychological corruption. I put in the DVD and hit play. I sat back giddily, ecstatic to relive the best moments of my childhood. I screamed with everybody else in the classroom and ducked under my desk as the screen exploded and then imploded, becoming the aforementioned riff in the fabric of reality.

Oh, it was going splendid indeed.

I squinted into the light, briefly recalling a lesson in my survival training (i.e., monster movie marathon 2003). Lesson One: do not; I repeat: do _not_ go into the light.

Yes, yes, valuable, nay,_ indispensable_ information! I covered my face and hoped against all odds that the riff would just close up and allow me to continue "Stimpy's Invention" in peace. If only I had a blanket to hide under, rather than this accursed desk! This wasn't an earthquake! It was an invasion of monstrous proportions!

And then I heard it. It was airy and ethereal, like the voice of an angel…except angry and impatient, and cursing a whole lot.

"If the two of you do not shut the hell up I'll shoot you both and leave your bodies to rot in the fields!"

I uncovered my face. No, it wasn't possible.

"Well tell the stupid monkey to quit eating all the meat buns, mighty leader! I don't feel like dying of starvation just because he's a bottomless pit!"

Surely the Irony Gods were looking down upon me at this moment and laughing their asses off.

"But I was so huuuuungry!"

"It has been a while since we last came upon a village, hasn't it? Our provisions are running low."

"I don't dive a damn. I'm just sick of the noise. Deal with food later. Now shut up or die."

I gaped at the "screen" in awe and almost smashed my skull in when I tried to stand up while still underneath the desk. "_Aaarrrghh!_" I cried in pain, falling back on the ground and rubbing the sore bump in the middle of my cranium. Why was it growing so big? No! Was I catching Adam's tumor?!

"Hey, what was that sound?" one of the voices said suddenly. Ah, the lovely voices in my head—wonderful to be a nutcase. I heard screeching tires.

"Yeah, it sounded like a girl screaming," another voice added, not a little eagerly.

"Get your brain out of the mud, kappa," the first voice growled testily.

"Oy, look. What have we here?"

There was a sound beside my collapsed fetal-positioned form, and a tap on my shoulder. Maybe if I didn't move, the pain would go away. And then I would be able to finish "Stimpy's Invention" in peace. Yes, pretend the pain is not real. Pretend that it's a bunny or something else equally fuzzy and adorable.

Pain is not pain. It's a bunny.

"Hey, d'ya think she might have a percussion?"

"That's _con_cussion, moron, and I don't know. Maybe. Not that it's my problem."

"Now, now. We should tend to the young lady's needs. It would be a shame if she were to die like this."

Die? Was I going to die? And that voice…where had I heard it before? Think, brain, think! Why was I one the ground in the first place again? Okay, we were going to watch a cartoon. Mr. Wood threatened to send me to the dean for sitting on the desk. John complained that I never got in trouble with Mr. Wood. Mr. Wood made John stand outside in the hot sun. "Stimpy's Invention" came on and everybody was happy…and then….

Oh, yeah. A _wormhole _had appeared in the projector screen and I hit my head on the desk.

But wait, it was too hot. Was I outside? If so, where was the cloying humidity? Oh, so slowly, I unfolded my limbs and squinted up into a cerulean sky. A cloud shaped like—no joke—_Cloud_ hovered on past my line of sight. _What the crap? Where am I?_

"Oh my, she seems to be conscious now," the kind voice said cheerfully. I was in pain, and this guy was cheerful?

I was about to express my individual views on this matter when I very suddenly stopped talking. A face had appeared above me. A smiling face, with a monocle and dark hair…and a pair of cuffs on his ear…and a tiny white dragon on his shoulder…and…

I shrieked, forgot that I was in pain, and sprang to my feet—ending up maybe twenty yards from the four of them in a matter of half a nanosecond. They stared at me, totally unsurprised.

_Since when can I move this fast?_

"Well, it looks like she's well enough to run around, at least," the blond one muttered, briefly taking a drag on a cigarette while swatting at the red-head with a large paper fan. "Put that down. That's not yours."

"Dammit that hurts, asshole!"

"Who do you think you're calling 'asshole', dimwit?!" More swatting ensued. Somehow this was perfectly normal.

"I apologize in advance for any offense you might take from their behavior," monocle said amiably. He had approached while the two were fighting and began to examine the enormous lump on my head. "How did you get this? I'm surprised that you're conscious."

I dragged my gaze away from the fighters—the paper fan guy had antennae-man in a headlock and was threatening to end his life unceremoniously early—and murmured, a bit winded, "I hit my head on the bottom of my desk. Where did my classroom go, and why is the Sanzo party in the projector screen?"

He blinked. "Projector? I don't know what you're talking about, but apparently you know who we are." He smiled cheerily. "You might have a concussion. We'll take you to a hospital and get you taken care of, okay?"

My turn to blink. "Uh, right. Thanks." I felt my head again and winced. Holy crap, I might have a concussion after all. No nausea, though. That was a plus.

The lump was still growing. I looked at my watch-less wrist to see how much of my DVD I had missed, then gave another, even louder yelp. Sanzo and Gojyo both gave a start and somehow slammed to the ground in surprise, throwing a cloud of dust into the air. Hakkai just smiled pleasantly, and Goku was too busy raiding the provisions to notice.

"I'm a cartoon?!" I cried, staring in utter disbelief at hands and arms and legs and clothes. No way in the real world was my hair capable of the great feats it had managed here. I had too much frizz!

"A cartoon?" Gojyo groaned from his prostrate position on the ground. He sat up and massaged his neck in irritation. "What the hell are you talking about?"

I stared at him. _Antennae_, my brain whispered to me in suspicion. "Er, so you're not all made-up characters adapted from ancient legends and mass-produced in manga and anime form?"

"What's that?" Goku asked in curiosity, ambling away from the bag and sitting on a nearby rock. We were in the desert, as far from Mr. Wood's class as imaginable. Crap, I was missing my show!

I frowned, totally baffled but willing to humor the Irony Gods. "Nothing, apparently."

Hakkai took charge. "Well, then let's get you in the jeep and take you with us to a doctor." He promptly took hold of my arm and led me to the others, then said to the little dragon on his shoulder, "Hakuryu, if you would be so kind?"

The dragon cheeped accommodatingly, flew over to an empty patch of sand, and transformed into a jeep with a flash of light.

I stared. Surely this was some sort of hallucination?

"Get in," Sanzo ordered impatiently. "The monkey ate all the food, and I'm not about to starve to death with you idiots." He climbed in first, shotgun.

"Um, Sanzo?" Hakkai asked in a friendly, offhand sort of way. "I believe the young lady should get the passenger seat, seeing as how we don't want Gojyo making bad impressions." The way he said it sounded pleasant…but…it was still kind of creepy.

"What?!" demanded the worldly priest. "Do you actually expect me to sit in the back with the two ingrates?!"

"Miss, what's your name, by the way?" Hakkai asked me, totally ignoring him. He was smiling, but a chill wind still blew through the hot desert.

"Lydia," I said—inoffensively, I hoped. Sanzo was swearing up a storm and complying as per Hakkai's request in the background, and I silently hoped that he wouldn't shoot me for taking his seat. The other two weren't very happy, either, but they were too busy avoiding the gun to voice their opinions.

"Well, it is a pleasure to meet you, Lydia." He led me around to the passenger's side and I sat down, still feeling like a neurotic but coping reasonably well considering the situation. Hakkai got in on the other side and started the jeep. "Okay, hang on tight!" We took off at a nearly breakneck pace, narrowly avoiding the pitfalls carved out of the sand dunes.

"One word out of either of you and I'll scatter your brains across the sand!" growled the priest. He sat right behind me.

I didn't look back, nor did I make any sudden movements, for approximately three hours.

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_**(Back in Mr. Wood's Class)**_

_"Hey, where did Lydia go?" Katt asked in confusion. "And what are we going to do about the projector?"_

_Adam scratched the bizarre growth on his neck and looked out the window. "Um, hey, Wood, John just passed out. I think he's got heat stroke."_

_"Oops!" murmured the teacher, running to the door and getting the kids to help him drag the unconscious child in. "Somebody get a wet cloth! We'll worry about Lydia later..."-he stared at John for a moment-"...if John lives, of course."_

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_**(Author's Note)**_

_Okay, people. This is my first Fanfic ever, so please bear with me. This first bit is kind of short, but it'll pick up and get longer...and if nobody reads I'll take the hint and quit writing...yeah...THANK YOU TO PIXIE AND FAETH!_

—_Cyh Scaevola_

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_**(New Author's Note, as of 5/11/2013)**_

_Hey, guys. I'm almost twenty-five now! It's been so long since I wrote this story, and the feedback still makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I know that some of you come back every once in a while, so on the off-chance that some of my old friends might see this, I just want to express my gratitude. You talk about having almost forgotten the humor in this story, but I'm guilty, too. I almost forgot how much I love writing for you. All you newcomers, too, have my sincere thanks. The one thing every writer needs is to feel like someone appreciates her style, even if it's unusual. After all these years, I can still come back and feel loved. Thank you. Even though I'm testing the waters with my book over on FictionPress, I think I have to come back and pick up where I left off...I miss Kon and Lyds and Comedy...I miss Sanzo and Hakkai and Goku and Gojyo...I miss writing in this world...I miss my readers._

_Hopefully, I'll see you soon. Wish me luck!_

_-Cyh (of the current present)_


	2. Insanity: Please Do Not Feed the Animal

**The Irony Gods: Chapter 2 (EDITED)

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_**Insanity: Please Do Not Feed the Animal**_

Three hours. Three, _freaking_ hours of driving through a desert wasteland. Silently, in my head, I both begged for death and celebrated my life.

Plus side: I was now in the presence of perhaps my favorite anime on the face of the earth. Most would call this a "good thing", despite the fact that I was now a cartoon and couldn't figure out where my pores had gone.

How many rabid fans out there were blessed enough to experience this sort of mishap anyway? Not many, I was willing to wager. Despite the fuming monk behind me giving off vibes to scare a pissed-off lion, I was kind of elated to know that I had attained something of which most could only dream, even if it might end in my untimely demise.

Down side: I had lost my DVD. I was certain of it. Or rather, I had lost the box. The DVD itself was still in the player, I surmised, but the box was lost forever! Where would I find another box as such? And I was hungry. I had missed lunch because of the corollary to Wood's decree: we were to experience the joys of fourth lunch on this day, in exchange for happy movie time…only I never would. I was stuck in this endless desert with a cranky monk, a perverted water sprite, a monkey king, and a guy who laughed at all the wrong moments.

Well, at least Goku was exactly my height. It was a small victory for short people everywhere. He was awesome, so, by corollary, I was also awesome.

My brain operated on highly self-serving REASON.

"So, uh, where is this village you keep telling me about?" I ventured to ask Hakkai after the Madness began encroaching upon what meager Sanity I had left. "I hate to beat a dead horse, but I'm kinda hungry."

There was a scuffling sound behind me. "See that, you stupid chibi monkey! Now you've gone and left the girl hungry!"

"Oww! Leggo my leg! I hafta eat something! An' th' meat buns were all we had left!"

"SILENCE!!" I flinched as three explosive shots pierced the noise and shattered the last barriers protecting my Sanity. _Ah ha ha! I have you now! _The Madness chuckled ominously. I gradually felt my brain melting to the consistency of warm Jell-O.

Hakkai just laughed lightly at their silliness, and I contemplated suicide. "The map says that we only have a few miles left until we reach the city of Aoki," monocle commented. "I have heard that it's a prime tourist spot, but what with all the youkai attacks…well, it may be a bit more leery of strangers."

"Do you think we'll be attacked?" I inquired, trying my damnedest to ignore the shouts and gunshots in the back seat. _I don't want to die I don't want to die I don't want to die I don't want to die I don't want to die._

"Considering who we are, probably. But if you already know us you should already know as well that we are a bit more resilient than the average human being." He swerved to avoid a rock that had sprouted out of nowhere on the other side of a sand dune and the three in the back shouted in terror as we skidded sideways down the slope and came to rest at the craggy edge of a massive gorge. On the other side, a bustling, albeit old-fashioned metropolis glittered in the baking sun.

"Hakkai you madman! Are you trying to kill us with your insane driving?!" Gojyo muttered under his breath.

"What was that?" Hakkai asked politely, wearing a terrifying grin.

"N-nothing!" There was another scuffle as—I assumed—Gojyo ducked under a blanket.

Damn, this was weirdest crap I had ever dreamed up…assuming that this was all a massive hallucination, of course. "Is that the city?" I questioned, figuring that a change of topic was in order.

"Yes. We'll have to find a bridge across or go around."

"Well ain't that just a peach," I sighed, sinking back into the comfy seat cushions. "By the way, nice seats, Hakuryu."

The jeep cheeped bashfully.

Sweet sanity, where had I put the strait jacked I had worn on Halloween? This was the perfect time to utilize its abilities, and I had done the silly thing and forgotten it. Note to self: purchase strait jacket and wear at all times.

"So where didja come from?" Goku asked me as we took off north to find a bridge or the end of the gorge—whichever came first. "You were just lying in th' sand when we found you. That's kinda weird, don'tcha think?"

"Actually, yes. I think it's very, very weird. However, I am incapable of explaining the complex quantum physics involved in time and dimensional and whatever the hell other kind of travel to which I have been subjected. I'm just thankful that I came across with all my limbs intact."

"Where were you before you showed up in the desert, then?"

The jeep had gone strangely quiet. I pretended that it hadn't. "I was in class, watching 'Stimpy's Invention' in peace, when the projector screen imploded and sucked me into this world."

"None of that makes any sense," Sanzo was kind enough to point out.

At last, I turned around, met those eerie violet eyes, and replied flatly, "Thank you, Captain Obvious. Would you like the cookie or the kitten as your prize?"

He stiffened noticeably and Goku and Gojyo stifled their giggles. "He wants the kitten," Gojyo coughed.

World War III commenced. (Or is that World War Zero, since One and Two had already taken place—or rather, would take place in the twentieth century? …I could sense a migraine coming on.)

"Say it again, kappa! Say it again!" Several rounds zipped by my head as Sanzo attempted to murder Gojyo, and Goku appeared between the seats, squeezing through after much frantic effort and ending up at my feet in terrified chibi form.

"Don't kill me!" he squeaked helplessly, clinging to my leg.

Sanzo attempted to go after Goku as well, but as he reached over my shoulder to grab the little monkey, I snapped and stood, spinning around and backhanding him across the face before I even knew what I was doing, "Leave the monkey alone! Water Boy's the one you're after!"

He flinched, and then dropped his arm in surprise. The jeep stopped. Everyone stared at me in awe. Giant sweat drops appeared beside Hakkai's and Gojyo's ears. Goku clung to a large banana, still in chibi form, only with a Goku head and a monkey body. A tiny heart hovered above his head. It was almost too cute to bear.

"You just hit Sanzo," Gojyo whispered.

"Impressive," commented Hakkai.

"Aren't you going to do anything?!" the former demanded of the monk.

Sanzo blinked through his bangs, frowned at Gojyo, and quicker-than-lightning he smacked Gojyo upside his head with the paper fan. "Shut the hell up, kappa."

"Son of a bitch, Sanzo! I wasn't the one who hit you, y'know!"

"So? She's a fucking kid." He looked at me for a moment, seemed to come to a conclusion, and sat back down to smoke another cigarette. "Not bad, for a kid."

"WHAT?! THIS IS RIDICULOUS!!" Gojyo screamed. The paper fan flew up again and smashed him in the face, sending blood flying over the edge of the jeep. Sanzo put on his reading glasses and began perusing the periodicals.

"Watch the monkey for me," he told me offhandedly. He glanced at Hakkai. "What are you looking at? Drive already."

That was all they needed in order to proceed, and I nearly suffered from whiplash when the jeep took off again. Cripes, what a violent ride just looking for a bridge! "How is it that you people haven't gotten killed just by driving?" I wanted to know. "The terrain sucks!"

"You get used to it," Sanzo muttered.

Goku had regained a human body, but still coddled the banana as if it were a baby. Weird. He looked up at me and grinned, and I picked him up and placed him beside me after I scooted far against the door. "Don't you go and grow up without warning me, got it, Goku?" He just giggled and hugged the banana. I envied him. I was hungry, and he had the banana.

I had a stroke of genius (sort of).

"Heyyyyyy, Goku?" He grinned up at me again, growing fangs and pink dots on his cheeks (too cute!). "Can we split that banana? Lydia is starving hungry and she'll be your friend for the remainder of eternity if you share."

He frowned in consternation, as though this were the most difficult question he could ever be asked, and suddenly he transformed into a midget chibi Seiten Taisei and started growling defensively. _My banana! Nooooo! My banana! Grrrr!_ Then he leapt to the back seat between Sanzo and Gojyo and began to pet the banana in a very disconcerting fashion. (_My preciousssss!_ I could almost hear him saying in a hissing, mucous-impaired voice. He didn't actually say it, but I could hear it in my head.)…

Note to self: Get tested for dementia. I may have gone senile at a young age and didn't even know it.

"Okay, well that answers that," I grumbled along with my stomach. "Don't you people dare be at all shocked when I shrivel and die! I have diabetes!"

"Diabetes?" Hakkai looked at me strangely.

"It's a sugar thing. If I don't get something to eat, I'll die." Hadn't I just said that? Maybe I was trapped in a time loop too. Wait, no. I didn't know that escarpment at all. Time was fine…FOR NOW! Heh-heh….escarpment….and to think I had once actually assumed that geography class was a waste of time.

"Hello? Did you hear me at all?" Hakkai broke through my musings and added a hint of worry to the peculiar stare.

"I'm tired," I murmured after a thought. I hunched down in my seat and glared at the floor. "I want to go home. This has been a blast, people, but I want to go home." Oh, how I wanted food! And my DVD! And my BOX!!

"Well, I don't know about home—you're apparently from another time and place much different from our own—but I think I see a natural bridge up ahead. Those are fairly safe to cross, and if all else fails we can walk and Hakuryu can fly."

"What?" I sat up and squinted ahead with all my might. Of course, there isn't much might you can put into squinting, but I believe it is important to at least put a little effort into whatever you do—so I squinted mightily, and could just barely make out the thin line of rosy stone arcing across the schism in the earth. "How the crap can you see that? I'm not wearing my glasses, but you only have one useful eye! I've been wondering: how's the depth perception you get with that anyway?"

"Not so good, but one can cope with the little things."

"Most people don't try to take out their own eyeballs, dude."

"Ha-ha-ha…no, I suppose not. That was just a bad day, right, Gojyo?"

"Speak for yourself," his friend muttered, still tweaked that Sanzo had let me off.

"Enough sad stuff! Let's go get some food!" cried the monkey king. He shouted "Wheeee!" at the top of his lungs as the jeep picked up speed—I presumed this to be his battle cry—and within minutes we had gained all the ground we could on the bridge. Then Hakkai jerked the jeep left and we commenced working the extra ground off at twice the original rate.

I looked over the side of the jeep, realized that we had a shrinking two feet of clearance on either side before a plunge into the abyss, and sat back. I closed my eyes and begged the Irony Gods not to take my life just yet.

I needed to eat first. Then they could go and take it.

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_**(Author's note)**_

_Just to clarify a couple things brought up by valued customers: there will not be a love interest. To anybody who has read it so far and wants there to be one, sorry, no dice. I'd like pure, unbridled fun in this one. There will be lewd suggestions made by a certain somebody who shall not be named…mostly because this person is the obvious culprit to the educated soul—but I prefer not to complicate complications. You do not reinvent the wheel, nor do you beat a dead horse—and neither do you reinvent the dead horse nor beat the wheel—without dire consequences…and I'm just too lazy to stress over that kind of crap here when I can stress like a madwoman over my book any time. Ah, simple simplicity—with mad twist o rabid bunnies! (Props to Monty Python!)_

And to anybody who reads this gibberish, PLEASE REVIEW! I have no other way of knowing whether or not people are reading, and if I feel like people don't read, I get all sad and stuff…hangs head.


	3. Insomnia: Child of Caffeine

**The Irony Gods: Chapter 3 (EDITED)**

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_**Insomnia: Child of Caffeine**_

I had actually expected to die on that bridge. I saw my short, insignificant life flash before my eyes, and winced when I realized that it was only a three minute preview—I would have to pay five bucks to see the whole thing. What a gyp! Paying to see my own life?! It was _my_ life! Damn you, Irony Gods!

And then I woke up and realized that I had passed out from exhaustion—I hadn't eaten breakfast, as usual, and my sugar levels had probably been critical already. Add that to the stresses of Hakkai's driving and you have the recipe for Comatose Bisque. Sweet at first, but with a wicked aftertaste.

Also, my head was throbbing again—I had been sleeping on it all wrong.

"Owwwww…" I whined, wincing in pain and curling into a ball, wrapping the wooly blanket around my shoulders more tightly and thinking VERY hard about the pain bunnies. Bunnies, not pain. Bunnies, NOT pain.

And then I opened my eyes, frozen in shock. Blanket? I lifted my aching head just enough to see my surroundings, and found myself in a plaster-walled, whitewashed room with several other single beds, like mine, but vacant. It seemed like an infirmary of sorts.

"Not another wormhole," I groaned, scrunching down and screaming into my downy pillow to get it all out of my system. However, when I raised my head again the world did an odd little jig and turned disconcertingly dark once more.

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**(Approximately 4 hours later…though who can really tell considering the absence of timepieces?)**

"Dammit!" I shouted as loudly as I could, cursing under my breath the Irony Gods and their demented ways. I recalled the bastard who had invented the digital projector, and cursed him as well for good measure. May as well be thorough; much like squinting, or playing practical jokes on Wood. It was a task requiring finesse and concentration.

"_Salve. Quid agis?"_

I frowned. Huh? Was that me? "Brain? REASON, did you say something?"

_No,_ muttered REASON._ I was taking a nap. You heard a noise, not a thought._

Oh. Okay.

I sat up fully this time, careful not to disturb my slumbering cerebellum, and leaned back against the solid wooden headboard. There was a lovely black cat sitting regally at the foot of my bed, watching me intensely with phthalocyanine green eyes—I knew this exotic color because it was my favorite green to paint with in art class.

Upon closer inspection, the cat wasn't entirely black. It had blue-gray tiger stripes too, like pale shadows printed along its fur.

"Hey, there, pretty kitty," I said amiably. "I don't suppose you were the one talking?" I could ignore a headache for kitty.

"_Certe. Quid agis?"_ it replied. (Trans: "Yes. How are you?")

"Whoa. Er, I think I'm okay, I guess." I blinked several times, but the animal was a permanent fixture in my line of sight. Oh, well. Let the madness continue! "Why are you speaking Latin?" Was this what my slave-driver of a teacher had meant when she said that Latin would have unforeseen purpose in our lives?

I frowned. Like hell she could have known about the wormhole…though she _was_ rather creepy at times…

"_Dico Latinam quod Latina est mihi lingua. Est-ne illum idoneum?"_ the cat said matter-of-factly, pulling me from my internal debate. (Trans: "I speak Latin because Latin is my language. Is that sufficient?")

"I suppose it is…though I can't say I've ever met a talking cat before, let alone a cat who spoke Latin. Do they even speak Latin in China?" Excellent question!

"_Minime, sed cur gravis illum est? Dices English, et scio haec eos illum non dicere."_ (Trans: "No, but why is that important? You speak English, and I know that they don't speak that here.")

I frowned. "That's a good point. Wait, but I can understand them! So they speak English too?"

Kitty merely shrugged in a very non-kitty-like manner.

Time to ask something more concrete, it seemed. "Huh. I don't suppose you know where the four miscreants are, do you?" Wherever I was, it was still anime land; and I was still an anime character, if my stylized hair were any indication; ergo I must still have been in Saiyuki. No wormholes, after all.

"_In culina sunt. Cogito simium edendum est, sed unus viri dormiendi est."_ (Trans: "They're in the kitchen. I think the monkey is eating, but one of the men is sleeping.")

"Do you think I'm okay enough to get up, then? I need to find food, too. Blood glucose and all that jazz—I don't have my meter or pills on me, so I have no choice but to stuff my face at every opportunity."

"_Certe."_ (Trans: Certainly.) It seemed to bow its head obligingly.

"Could you show me the way?" I didn't know where the hell anything was, but I sure as crap didn't want to hang around in a bed right now. I needed sustenance. Cat or no cat, I was looking for some grub.

Fortunately, the cat nodded again, meowed a little, and gracefully slunk off the bed and to the floor, waiting patiently for me to get up. With some consideration for my abused head, I swung my legs over the side and slipped my feet into the cozy slippers I found on the floor. I momentarily wondered where my day clothes had gone, since I was currently wearing PJs, but after coming upon the road block to my brain I gave up and left it to fate.

The cat led me out of the bed room and into a hallway with windows on one side and doors on the other—it was night, and the moon was half full almost directly above. How long had I been out?

We entered the fourth door down and found Goku, Hakkai, and Gojyo all at a table, enjoying something that smelled like heaven and playing Mahjong. Gojyo and Hakkai drank beer, and Goku had a soda. Where were these cans coming from? Did China have a cannery in Chang'an or somewhere? And why was Kirin, a Japanese beer company, doing business here? And who shipped the supplies across the sea and through the desert to the middle of nowhere like this?

Bizarre.

"Oh, good to see that you are awake," Hakkai greeted with a laugh and a smile. Goku waved a chicken leg at me and my stomach cried out in desperation, _FEEEED MEEEEE!_ Gojyo raised an eyebrow and toasted his beer at me.

"Welcome back, Sleeping Beauty," he crooned.

"Don't make me beat you with your own severed limbs," my stomach growled through my teeth. I swear I hadn't said it myself. My brain was sleeping, remember? "Goku! Toss me a leg!"

Another giant drumstick flew through the air and I caught it one-handed and began to devour it on the spot, forgetting the normal ritual of sitting on a chair, and sitting on the floor instead.

"Damn, you're worse than the monkey," commented Gojyo. "You didn't have to yell. I was paying a compliment."

"My brain isn't operational at the moment," I replied through mouthfuls of chicken. Oh, Teriyaki, how I love thee. "My stomach yelled at you. I apologize for its impudence." There was a pitcher of juice on the counter above my head, as well as a clay cup, and without thinking—how could I? My brain wasn't on—I snatched up both and poured myself a tall one of sweet, sugary juice. It was some sort of fruit punch. "Oh, that's nice," I sighed when the sugar hit my system. "Where did you get that soda, monkey boy?"

"There's a six-pack in the cooler over there." He declared himself a time out for the round; and got up to get another can for himself, tossing one to me in the process.

"Thank you!" I said happily, cracking open the drink and gulping it down—fizz and all—in seconds flat. I didn't give a damn about hiccups or gas. "Caffeine, thou art a God," I giggled.

Then I read the can.

What the crap was Mountain Dew doing here?

_Don't argue, just drink._

"Good idea, stomach," I said, drunk on sustenance. "Y'know, you're as smart as brain. You should get more credit."

"Damn, Hakkai," muttered Gojyo. "I think that bump on the head really screwed with her brain."

"NO!" I shouted more loudly than was probably necessary within the confines of the small kitchen. "I told you that my_ stomach_ is thinking, _not_ my brain. Brain is napping, like a good little nerve bundle." I gave the cat a look and it sat down patiently, waiting for something, I supposed. "Would you like something to do, kitty?" I asked.

It nodded.

"Okay, then why don't you go keep Sanzo company. I'm fairly certain that he likes cats, and I don't think you'll find much fun in here watching me eat. Come back if you get hungry, though." I scratched under its chin briefly, and then sent it off with a smile. "That's just adorable," I commented with a giggle. "Sanzo's gonna love him."

I noticed the silence in the room and looked up at the three gamers. "What? So the cat and I converse. What of it?"

"Weird," Goku murmured, placing a tile on the table. "But you're right. Sanzo likes cats...heh-heh-heh…" He coughed into his fist to hide a grin. I stared at my empty can, feeling a slight buzz from the caffeine blast, and giggled again like the mental patient I was.

Then I remembered a question I had wanted to ask, and blurted suddenly, "Are you guys speaking English?!"

They stopped playing again, and stared at me again, and I giggled again because Gojyo's antennae twitched. "What the hell is English?" he asked flatly, clearly convinced that I had lost it, though he still couldn't figure out what exactly "it" was. "You're rambling again."

"No, I'm not. I want to know what language you guys are speaking right now." I put on my serious face, but it probably turned into a demented pout.

"Chinese, what else? We _are _in China." He placed a tile and lit a cigarette, and then took a swig of his beer.

"So what language am I speaking?"

"The same," Hakkai answered. "What language did you think it was?" He laughed and sipped sake peacefully.

"Well, I thought we were all speaking English, though I know for a fact that the original was in Japanese. But it sounds like English to me." Oh, man, what was going on? Caffeine, answer me!

"I don't know English, but I know you're speaking Chinese," Goku stated firmly, rejoining the game.

I left it at that, but in my head—which had awakened to the conversation and couldn't help but feel the need to add its two cents—I continued to think about it.

So…if I was speaking Chinese, I hadn't notice the switch. My brain was certain that I was still speaking English, because my brain was thinking in English. However, there was a possibility that maybe the wormhole had also altered my mental processes to the point where even the language I _thought_ in was Chinese. But I still thought that it was English because that was my native language…so were English and Chinese now the same language in this world? Were all languages the same in this world?? (Except Latin. That was still Latin.)

A sound in the doorway shook me out of my conundrum and I lifted my eyes from the floor to see Sanzo amble in tiredly with his robe tied around his waist and his hair sticking out in every possible direction. He was carrying a clay cup identical to mine, as well as a saucer. Everybody watched in interest as he entered without a word, removed a bottle of cream from the cooler, and ambled back out in a daze.

Silence endured for about a minute, just to be certain that he was out of earshot, and then we all started to laugh.

"Oh, we should have placed bets!" Gojyo said ruefully. "That was classic! Now we've got good enough dirt on Sanzo to get some better treatment!"

"What are you talking about?" I demanded. "So he _does_ like cats. He's just in the worst case of denial I've ever seen. I like cats and nobody rips on me for it. I should wash my hands, though. I'm allergic as hell." I frowned at my hand. Speaking of which, why wasn't I itchy anywhere? And why hadn't Sanzo sneezed even once?

"Feh," muttered Gojyo. "We torture him because he's too serious. The guy needs to realize that there's more to life than killing people or playing pretty, pretty Princess." He sat forward to grind his half-spent cigarette into the ashtray, standing and stretching before muttering tiredly, "Well, I'm beat. Good night everybody, and Lydia, if you're ever bored you know where to find me." He winked.

"You're a shameless, lecherous weirdo," I replied coolly. "Do you even realize that I'm jailbait or is your hair reaching its demonic tendrils into your brain and cutting off circulation? I shudder to imagine you as an old man. I shudder to imagine the children you may spawn."

"With my genetics, I'll have this body 'til I'm eighty," he laughed, unruffled by my retort. "Fear not. I will still be a hunk when you come of age." I actually growled at him as he passed by, but he only winked again and left, waving over his shoulder. "Good night, Sleeping Beauty."

_We __**will**__ beat him with his own severed limbs, until there's nothing left but blood and ground meat,_ the more temperamental little voices hissed in unison.

"Actually, I'm kinda tired too," Goku yawned, blinking the sand from his eyes. The pink dots appeared on his cheeks, and he smiled at me. "Good food, huh? I had twenty pieces. I like hospital food." Oh, so we _were_ in a hospital? Or perhaps a versatile inn?

"Goku, you would eat anything," Hakkai laughed, organizing the tiles and putting them away neatly with soft clicking sounds.

"I'm gonna go to bed now. I ate a lot and now I'm all tired." He padded out, rubbing his eyes with his fist and saying as he walked by, "See you in the morning."

"Good night, Goku." I looked at Hakkai, the only one left. "I don't think I'll be able to sleep. I'm wired from the soda." Probably shouldn't have drunk it on an empty stomach, but at least the blood sugar was under control.

"Ah, you _were_ unconscious for a long time in the jeep. Still, you should go back to your bed and relax, even if you don't sleep. The lump isn't a concussion, but rest will heal it more quickly." He rose and put the Mahjong set in a bag, then tapped a pile of blankets beside the cooler. "Hakuryu, do you want to come to the room now?" The blankets cheeped lethargically, and Hakuryu snaked out slowly, curling into Hakkai's arms and falling asleep again almost instantly.

How late was it?

"Well, I'm off. Tomorrow we'll all discuss your situation over breakfast, and perhaps find a way to get you back home. Until then, however, it would make me feel better if you went to bed and tried to rest up."

"Yeah, I guess." I sighed and stood, setting my dishes on the counter with the rest and putting my chicken bone in the trash. "Thanks a lot for helping me out. I really appreciate it, despite my brain's lapse in wakefulness. And I probably won't kill Gojyo with his severed limbs after all, but don't tell him I said that. I need some ammo."

Hakkai laughed, and managed to almost mask the uncertainty in his tone, "I understand."

He stayed behind to turn everything off, and I returned to my bed, somewhat achy but otherwise fine. The bed was nice and soft and warm. The food sat nicely in my stomach. The caffeine and sugar amalgamated in my bloodstream to provide rush so powerful that I had to giggle every few minutes or my head would surely explode.

Three hours later, I finally fell asleep.

* * *

_**(Author's Note)**_

_My deepest apologies if readers thought that this was too long, but there were so many ideas, and the cat had to get out there before I exploded. Also, about the whole Latin thing, I couldn't help myself. Yes, it's real Latin (at least, as far as I am capable of writing and minus the macrons…though you probably aren't familiar with those). Props to anyone who enjoyed it. And yes, I am convinced that, at certain times, the stomach maintains a higher IQ than the brain, sort of how a dual-core processor does the little see-saw thing with processing. One get more, then the other, and then one, and then the other….wheeee!_

_And again, I must stress: _

_PLEASE REVIEW! I WILL LOVE YOU FOR ALL ETERNITY IF YOU REVIEW ME!_


	4. Reality: Physics Doth Not Apply

_**Reality: Physics Doth Not Apply

* * *

**_

_Groggy…lemme sleep… _

When I opened my eyes the next morning, my head was like a lead weight resisting the forces exerted by my neck and clinging tenaciously to gravity's will.

_Noooo!_ my inner child cried noiselessly, resisting my commands. _I don't wanna get up you can't make me I'll tell mommy on you!_

"Oh, shut up," I snapped, only somewhat aware of the slur in my words. "You whine too much. Now kick your lazy pineal gland into gear and seize the day! We have to find a way to get home, and that ain't gonna happen if you're out of commission."

_Meany._

"Oh, sure. Real mature. I'd like to see you _try_ and fight the will of your master." At that I forced myself up, closing my eyes tightly when the world began to jig again, and opening them when the music stopped. "Stop doing that! I don't like to dance! Stop dancing! Or at least do something interesting, like break or touchdown!"

"Sheesh, you need some food," someone grumbled from the doorway. I frowned at Gojyo accusingly as he came in and handed me a pile of clothing. "Don't give me that look. Hakkai washed them for you, and the doctor changed you, not me."

"What doctor?"

"He calls himself Dr. Jin. If you ask me he's worse than I am, but hell, who am I to argue with the good doctor?" He headed back out right away. "Get changed and come to the kitchen. Everyone's up and ready to figure out what to do about you."

"Er, thanks."

He looked over his shoulder and winked through his freakishly red hair. "No problem, sweetheart."

"Stop that. It's unnerving."

He just laughed and shut the door behind him. I didn't know whether to get irritated or just leave it be. The latter was the more reasonable choice, so I picked the former. Luckily for me, however, the clothes were cleaner than I had expected, and actually had that fluffiness which only softener could afford. Ooh, he was good. I made a mental note to thank Hakkai…and smack Gojyo for being a lecher, just for good measure.

I worked the kinks out of my shoulders, stretched, then shook myself of the effects of my sugar low, and once dressed and ready I went out in search of sustenance and hygienic facilities. My teeth were furry and my face was numb, and I felt the impending doom of oily hair coming on fast. Shower time was near at hand. Must find bathroom.

"Where's the bathroom," I demanded upon entering the kitchen. Hakkai, Goku, and Gojyo greeted me fairly cheerfully (Hakkai most cheerfully, since that was his natural, albeit disturbing disposition).

Sanzo looked up, blinked tiredly behind his reading glasses and returned to his tea and paper. "It's down the hall," he mumbled past his cigarette. Someone was still tired, I could see.

"Thanks. I'll be back in a few." I staggered further down the hall and came upon an open door. Inside was a sink and a hole in the floor which could only have been the toilet. Thank the Irony Gods, they had Charmin and Colgate and a spare toothbrush in a plastic wrapping.

How? I was not about to argue.

Twenty minutes later I returned and poured myself a cup of sweet green tea with ginseng. "So, what's the plan?" I asked as I took a seat between Goku and Hakkai—I didn't want to sit next to Gojyo or Sanzo. They were iffy at best for the moment. Maybe later.

"Well, you're still here, so I guess we should do something to fix that," Sanzo murmured distractedly. Apparently the daily news was absolutely engrossing for a monk of his standing. I was convinced that he had some serious issues to work out. Maybe the doctor could do some head shrinking before we moved on.

"Why do you say that as though my presence is a leaky faucet? And how do you propose we do that? Do you have a time-space-dimensional travel device that you've been hiding for the past day and a half?" I demanded blandly.

"No, but I do know that your presence is hampering our traveling arrangements. There are only four seats in the jeep, and I refuse to sit in the back again…and no, you're not a leaky faucet—you're a flat tire."

_Flat tire? The nerve of that…that…purple-eyed, straw-haired, smoke-scented poopie-face!_

Ahhh…that was lame…

_Sorry, _muttered my inner child.

"This is about riding shotgun?" I demanded in disbelief once the voice decided to go back to sleep and give things over to REASON. "I'm stuck in the wrong _universe,_ and all you can say is that I'm hampering travel arrangements?" I set my cup down a little heavily. "You're quite the bastard sometimes, aren't you?"

"Well, I certainly don't know who my parents are, so fine, I'm a bastard. The point is, you shouldn't be here, and for all we know it's causing problems that we can't see from our end of it."

"You don't have any ideas though, do you?"

"Hmm…" His face went blank and he stared off over the paper, apparently at the empty air behind me. Without a response, he returned to the periodical.

"Sanzo!" Gojyo shouted shrilly. "You said we would come up with something today! We have to help this nice young lady get home, so that she will be eternally grateful to us!"

"Shut up, you perverted kappa. She won't be doing any favors for your tired ass," he replied in a low, irritated tone. The vein in his forehead reappeared in classic anime fashion and throbbed as he restrained the urge to beat him senseless with the paper fan he had in his hands even now.

"Okay, okay! No need to get the fan out!" Gojyo withdrew from the conversation in general and concentrated on his sweet bean bun. In fact, a huge mound of sweet bean buns sat in the middle of the table. Goku had maybe ten on his plate at that moment.

Without bothering to ask, I grabbed two and wolfed them down quickly, amazed at my newfound anatomy. Somehow I could stretch my jaws as wide as my head to devour my food, and instantly return them to normal size. _I am snake woman,_ I chuckled to myself. _Fear my expansive jaws, weaklings! **I FEED!**_ With that last I chomped another bun and giggled. "Whoo, this is fun."

"Hey, Sanzo," Goku mumbled, absentmindedly gnawing on his own bun, "do you even understand half th' stuff she says? She's using all them big words an' I don't get th' whole thing about time and dimensions 'n' whatever."

"Honestly? I'm a Sanzo priest, not a goddamn scientist. I don't speak her gibberish." He turned the page and tapped his cigarette into the ash tray, then resumed. "Hakkai, what's your take on all this?"

"I truly don't have any idea, either. I've never seen anything like this before. For all we know, there may not be a way to send her back."

They all turned to stare at me scarfing down another bun. Sweat drops appeared in unison. "Damn, you serious?" Gojyo murmured. "I'm starting to have doubts. She's cute, but she's not a normal girl."

I chugged the rest of my tea and pointed a finger at him. "Don't you dare complain, pinky. I sure as shish kebab didn't ask to be transported here."

"Pinky?" He seemed confused, and looked at a lock of his hair in uncertainty. His antennae twitched. "It's red, not pink. What are you talking about?"

"Well, you sure as hell ain't 'The Brain'. 'Sides, I wasn't the one who colored the cells pink. Take it up with the animators. You're just in denial. Also, I long ago came to the conclusion that any girl below the age of forty in an anime is physically incapable of being ugly, so the cute thing has no standing, kappa."

"Wha—?"

"Don't. Even. Bother," Sanzo commanded from behind the paper.

"Meowww!" All eyes turned to the floor beside Sanzo's chair to see the cat scratching at his leg insistently. Without looking up, he reached around the paper, grabbed the pitcher of cream, and poured it in the saucer on the floor. Then he took a bun and set it beside the saucer. He didn't move from behind the paper even once. The cat mewed thankfully and licked his hand as he set down the bun, then began to eat greedily.

We four bystanders looked at each other silently, decided unanimously that it wasn't worth risking our lives, and resumed eating and discussing my situation.

"Well, if you can't find a way to send me back, I'm not leaving you. I know for a fact that this is probably the safest place for me."

"Even with Gojyo acting like himself all th' time?" asked Goku, another bun halfway shoved into his mouth. Now how he was capable of speaking through a bun, I had yet to discern, but before actually processing his words I contemplated this fascinating ability. There had to be multidimensional aspects to it. Physics certainly didn't have that strong a presence in this world—Gojyo's antennae had managed to stay standing through it all, despite the fact that there was no possible way his hair was that stiff.

Maybe he used gel on it? Hairspray? Super glue? Or maybe just Elmer's Glue, like how people did Liberty Spikes at school while the dean's back was turned…

"I can handle it," I replied at length. Analyze the laws of physics later. No point in confusing yourself now.

"She did hit Sanzo without consequence," Hakkai pointed out in amusement. "Perhaps there is potential."

"Can you fight?" Goku inquired. This time there was no bun in the way.

I remembered an incident involving a spork and the neighborhood bully. Yeah, Mom and Dad hadn't enjoyed paying other people's hospital bills at all. And I hadn't enjoyed living through a slot in my door for three months.

Blood only likes to come out in cold water. Good advice that destroys incriminating evidence in a pinch.

"Does psychotic rage count as a fighting technique?" I asked once I finished remembering.

All eyes turned to Sanzo once more, and I noticed a slight tension when he realized that we were looking at him. However, he didn't acknowledge us, and Gojyo responded after a thought, "Actually, I think it does."

"Well, then gimme a spork and you have an official fifth wheel. It's _flat, _though, so don't expect a first-degree black belt in Karate or Ju Jitsu or Kenpo or Mudwrestling—or anything else you can think of. It only works when the crazy is given free reign."

The kappa decided that it was safer if he only responded to the first part of my drabble. "I don't know what the hell a spork is, but how 'bout one of these?" He held his empty hand out to his side and his shakujou materialized with a flash.

"No weapons at the table," Sanzo commanded, raising his hand and aiming the gun at Gojyo's head. He clicked the hammer back threateningly.

"You-you're one t-to talk!" he stammered, making the weapon vanish forthwith.

The gun lowered. "The master is allowed to carry a weapon wherever he pleases."

"I think I'd rather use a sword," I mused once things settled down. "Or maybe a scythe. I like scythes...and knives, but they have to be really light. The heavy stuff just doesn't cut it for me." _Hee-hee. Brain made funny. Knife no cut. Heeeee!_

For a second I wished that my whole brain would go unconscious again and let stomach take over for a while. Viscera were sensible, rather than stupid.

"We'll go shopping later and see what we can find then," Hakkai offered. "Aoki is famous for its markets, as well as its hot springs. Later, you should try the hot spring out back, Lydia. You must want a bath after yesterday's ordeal."

"Really? GOOOOOOAL!" I threw my hands into the air, but refrained from pulling my shirt over my head because Gojyo was a perv. "I knew an English kid once who obsessed over 'football', okay?" I snapped when everyone gave me looks which clearly wondered where all my screws had gone.

"Anyway, do they sell takoyaki?" Goku asked desperately, the first to recover from my side effects. "I haven't had any for weeks!"

I couldn't help but laugh. "Goku, please understand that octopi do not grow in sand dunes. They're ocean-dwelling creatures. We'd need to be near at least a river or a lake for us to get decent takoyaki here. Unless whoever ships the Mountain Dew ships that too." Uh-oh. Another migraine was peeking over the horizon. _Back, savage! Back ye scurvy cur!_ I got up, invaded the cooler, and found another soda packed with my best friend: caffeine.

"You shouldn't drink so much of that stuff," Gojyo advised. "It can't be good for you."

"You shouldn't get drunk before noon," I shot back.

"What about Hakkai? He's drinking sake! All I've got is a beer."

"Hakkai's tolerance to alcohol is obscenely high. He can drink all he wants before noon, buddy." I popped the can open and sipped slowly. "Ahh, sweet sugary deliciousness."

"Okay, enough sitting around," Sanzo sighed finally. "Let's go while it's still early. There won't be as many tourists if we're lucky, and we'll get first pick of the weapons…I wouldn't be doing this at all if it weren't going on the gold card, though." He emptied the rest of the pitcher in the cat's saucer and set out another bun, and then slipped the sleeves of his robe on to wear it the way it was supposed to be worn. "No lagging! Let's go!" he snapped when everybody just stared at him, wondering whether or not he was actually doing something kind for once.

I chuckled, glanced at the door, and shot through it at breakneck speed, shouting, "Shotguuuuuuun!"

"What? _**I'm **__the one with the gun, you fucking midget!_"

I heard feet chasing after me, but nobody catches me on a sugar high! "Onward! To the market!"

For the record, _**I **_rode shotgun.

Hakkai is really nice.

* * *

_**(Author's note)**_

_I like bunnies. They smell freaky, but I like to pet them and watch them hop around. I also like kitties, but I'm a little allergic, which is a shame because I'm more likely to own a kitty than a bunny. Also, I've got a bone to pick with the Japanese and their weird toilet facilities. How the tar does a person use a hole in the floor as a toilet? There's nowhere to sit! I feel so insecure using them. And I've had far too much caffeine today, which explains why chapters 3 and 4 are a bit rambling. I wrote both in one day. Whooo! _

…_And why the crap did ADV drop "Saiyuki: Reload"? I want David Matranga back, dammit! Greg! Illich! Braden! WHY? (By the way, loved Matranga in "Orphen". At least ADV didn't drop that one before season 2.)_


	5. Reason: The Capacity Thereof

**The Irony Gods: Chapter 5 (EDITED)

* * *

**

_**(Author's Note)**_

_Yes, I realize that Sanzo didn't react to Latin kitty. It's explained eventually, but for now you must bear with me. The Latin obsession is unavoidable. I like it too much to give up, so kitty will return. There shall be a plot as well, contrary to popular belief, as well as the appearances of many characters we all know and love. _

_I also realized that Gojyo hasn't been getting much positive attention, and I really like how he's smarter than he pretends to be, so he wins this chapter. Everybody gets their chance on the merry-go-'round, folks! Step right up and spin so obscenely fast that you permanently lose all sense of direction!_

_Oh, and as you may have noticed, I _**LOVE**_ "Ren and Stimpy". I idolize John K. as much as I idolize Kazuya Minekura, so Stimpy and that marvelous Asthma-hound Chihuahua (not a mosquito) will get lots of references in this story. They _**did**_ raise me, after all…heh-heh-heh…good or bad? YOU be the judge._

* * *

_**Reason: The Capacity Thereof**_

Despite the deep-rooted pissed-offedness of Sanzo's mood, the lengthy (though not unreasonably so) drive from the hospital in the mountainside to the city's marketplace down below was a pleasant one. I was just glad to be out of the sterile environment of the facility, whereas to everybody else this was just a tangent. Of course, considering the guy's general…aura, if you will…about halfway through the ride I turned in my seat and told Sanzo that he could have his seat back from now on if he really wanted it.

Though…I said it in a manner more like: "Holy crap, dude. If it pisses you off that bad then _take_ your stupid seat!"

The outburst actually seemed to make him happy. He sort of reminded me of Ren. Ren _loved_ being angry. It made him happy. Only difference was, Ren never chanted the Maten sutra or fought off youkai. He _did_ battle belly-button elves, though. Would Sanzo ever battle belly button elves? Or dance to "Happy, Happy; Joy, Joy"?

Actually, that last would probably would be a good youkai deterrent...I mean, if, of all people, they happened to see _THE _Genjyo Sanzodancing to _that_ particular song in _that_ particular manner...whooo. Hell, that would scare off a rhino, a crocodile, _and_ a hippopotamus.

Heh-heh……yeah…

I missed my home.

It must have shown on my face because Goku asked me what was wrong.

"I'm a little homesick," I admitted. "Granted, hanging out with the mighty Sanzo party is entertaining, but I keep expecting the real world to return to me, and every time it doesn't I feel a little bit more lost. It's like living in Los Angeles. Everything is so...fake, yet what's fake is reality. Creepy."

"If you can't go home, you can stay with us," he suggested. "If you can fight."

"Yeah. You have to be able to hold your own in _this_ world," added Gojyo. "What sort of training do you have, anyway?"

I shrugged and thought about it for a minute, then responded slowly, "Well, after I left Happy Acres the first time, ages nine through twelve, I received very informal fight training from some friends of ill-repute. After we…disbanded, I guess, I learned some things in Happy Acres when I was sent back. Then last year I took amateur kickboxing as a sort of workout thing 'cause my Dad thought I needed to vent my energy into something useful. I ended up nearly putting the teacher into early retirement, so Mom and Dad took me out. They say I'm too high-strung. _I_ say they're smothering artistic expression."

"Um…what exactly is Happy Acres?" muttered the water sprite.

I thought about a good way to respond, without the fear of being thrown aside and abandoned as though I were covered with leprosy.

"A boarding house. For special people."

"And what would be their definition of 'special'?" His expression turned suspicious.

"I wanna fight!" Goku begged suddenly, ignoring the kappa and thankfully changing the topic.

However…such a request…I just stared at him with utmost incredulity.

"Please?" Clearly he did not see the odds in a battle of that nature. The commercial announcement would be something like this:

_Goku vs. Lydia: Deathmatch—come see the pitiful human impaled upon a magical pole by the monkey king! Visions of Vlad Dracula come to mind…shudder._

"Say no, _say no_!" Gojyo mouthed frantically. At least _he_ understood the dilemma.

I frowned, a bit worried and surprised all at once, and without warning I felt a weight clinging to my temple, like a big bug. I flinched and swatted it away, and a perfectly-formed sweat drop landed in my lap, as solid as ice, but not at all cold. I stared at it. I could do _that_, too?

Completely forgetting Goku's challenge, I attempted to recreate the scenario several times, and soon I had accumulated about fifteen two-inch-long drops with surprisingly sharp tips and glassy clear bulbs.

"Weapons!" I announced happily. I tried to test the theory, and flung one of the drops at a passing tree as hard as I could. It stuck with a _thunk_ and sparkled in the sun, like a little gem. Aww, so pretty.

"That's not what those are for," Gojyo informed me, more than a little freaked out. Even Goku had forgotten his challenge, and stared at my collection of blue little sweat drops in curiosity.

"Then what _are_ they for?" I questioned, holding one up to the sun and smiling at the way the light shimmered through it. "Hey, _some_ body has to be innovative of with the quirks of this world. Haven't you seen 'Azumanga Daioh'? If a little girl can replace pigtails, then I can collect sweat drops."

_No_, my brain answered for me. _You're an idiot. How could they have _**possibly**_ seen that show?_

Oh. "Okay, so maybe that wasn't the best example. My point is, they're sharp, they're aerodynamic, and they have a high enough mass to do some damage when they strike an object. Elementary, my dear Watson."

"Who's Watson?"

"Never you mind." I stashed them in the leather bag Hakkai had found for me before we left.

"My head hurts," whined Goku.

"Shut up or I'll _really_ hurt it," Sanzo piped up from his shotgun seat. However, he didn't sound nearly as hostile as he would have in the back. At least he was happy, I supposed. Irony Gods forbid that he be truly angry. "Besides, at least _one_ person in this jeep is doing something useful."

"I'm driving," Hakkai reminded.

"Fine, _two_ people."

"So..." Goku's brows furrowed pensively, "you're saying that you're useless, too?"

"Okay, _three_! Everybody shut up or I'll kill you. The next one to speak dies!" He held the gun up and drew the hammer back to show how serious he was, and the jeep went deathly quiet.

I frowned. "Including me?"

The other three waited with bated breath, shocked that I had dared to speak.

Sanzo hesitated, then growled audibly without actually forming coherent words, phrases, or sentences—the gist of which was: "I guess not. I can't kill the guest. That would be rude in Hakkai's eyes, the creepy bastard. I'll kill the other three instead."

The rest of the ride went by in tense silence, and upon arriving at the market, Hakuryu transformed back into a dragon and perched on Hakkai's shoulder. Lucky chicken got a free ride. Of course, he _did_ drive us everywhere…was he dependant on gasoline like everybody in my world? And if so, where the hell did the gas come from?! Maybe it was lamp oil.

"Hey, Sanzo, I just remembered something." Goku jogged ahead to follow behind his Master. Much like a duckling, I noticed. _Perhaps he is part duck?_

"It better be important," grouched the priest.

"Well, you didn't sneeze or anything when the cat was near you. What's up with that?"

Instead of Sanzo saying something, I blinked, trying to keep my brain from having a meltdown. "Whoa! You're right! So it's not a cat after all! I was wondering why I had no hives!"

They all gave me the insane-person-has-pointy-object look and Sanzo demanded curtly, "Oh, and so what is it, a caribou? Maybe some cats just don't give people allergies."

I scoffed, "Don't be stupid, monk-man."—everybody winced and he glared at the word stupid—"I've reacted like crazy to every cat I've ever come in contact with, _except_ that one. Don't tell me it's just a fluke."

"So tell me _this_. Why don't you think it's a cat?"

"Because it spoke to me in a foreign language; Latin, to be precise. As far as I have gathered throughout my short, albeit violent life, cats do not speak Latin, nor do they understand English."

Gojyo muttered to Hakkai, "I told you she's nuts. There she goes on about that _English_ thing again, and what the hell is _Latin_?"

"They're both languages!" I rejoined. "Please, please, _please_ tell me you're not really this dense."

"I'm not dense, but I'm also not certified to handle the insane."

My eye twitched, and before my brain could catch up to my brain stem I lunged at him and got him into a full nelson to be the envy of full nelsons everywhere. "Take it back!" I screamed. "I'm not crazy! You take that back you perverted kappa cockroach water sprite! I'm not crazy!"

Gojyo shouted injustice, "Argh! Get the crazy chick off me! You assholes! Some friends you are!"

"Friends? I don't believe I've ever even met you before," Sanzo mused, walking away purposefully. He didn't even blink. "Oy, monkey, Hakkai, you coming or not?"

"Ah-ha-haaah!" I crowed as they abandoned him. "Where are your rebel friends _now?!"_

He looked behind his shoulder with one eye, and the crimson glinted as he grinned. "Okay, that's enough, sweetie. I know I'm irresistible, but you're right. You're still young and a man has to have principles." With disappointing ease he stood, reclaimed his limbs, and set me back on the ground on my feet.

"Bastard," I muttered, folding my arms and death marching along beside him. "See if I'll be your friend now."

"Is that a threat?" he teased, chuckling to himself. "How adorable.

"Now, explain something to me while the others are preoccupied with finding a weapons vendor. What do you mean about that cat not being a cat? And what's the deal with the whole language thing?"

Oh. He was being serious?

"Uhhh…Well, where I come from, we speak English, and cats cannot speak any language but cat," I explained, changing my walk to be less of a death march and more of a trudge. "Surely this makes sense to you."

"Who the hell is Shirley? Don't call me Shirley! The name is 'Gorgeous, Long-Legged Gojyo'."

I massaged my temples really, really hard and closed my eyes. _No, he did _**not**_just quote Leslie Nielsen. No. Of course not. He hadn't even replied. Just go along with it. I…am…in…_**Disneyland!**

"Okay, now listen very, very carefully," I said, reverting to caveman-speak. "Kitty no speak my language in my world. Kitty speak foreign language in your world. This not sit right with world order. Lydia very confused."

"Okay, you can stop. I'm just trying to give you a hard time. Damn, you're too serious, like Sanzo, except you don't have a gun and he's not really into full-body attacks. He prefers paper fans and kicking."

"Well _Sanzo_ is not trapped in an alternate universe! The least you could do is not mess with my head any more than it has been already." I pouted, angry and upset and frustrated and just generally tired of the situation. "I want a cheeseburger! Do you hear me, Irony Gods! I _demand_ it!" I shrieked at the sky.

"Hey! Quiet down!" Gojyo grabbed my arm and covered my mouth before any more locals and milling tourists turned to see the crazy girl rant. "Okay, I'll leave you alone! Just tell me what the hell is going on!"

I glared at him. "Ffffmm mnn nmmff! Ffrrrrmm!"

"I'll take that as cooperation." He let me go and I decided to walk several feet away from him from that point on. "Now, start from the beginning, _without _the extra nonsense."

I sighed and attempted some semblance of reason. "Look, there's something up here. You probably know—or at least _sense_—that I shouldn't be here. I'm seeing inconsistencies all over the place, and though some of them match, some are brand new. For example, Sanzo actually accepted the cat _without complaint_. And he isn't sneezing like crazy when it's right next to him. There's other stuff, too, like the toothpaste, but I can't think of a way to complain, so I won't even bother. Plus, the cat speaks Latin, as I have said several times."

"That _is_ creepy, sure, but how the hell does that figure into your thinking as important for getting you home? Baldy could be right that the cat just doesn't make people react. Maybe it's just a normal cat."

My eye was twitching again, and I grabbed the lapels of his coat and yanked him down to my eye level (a curse upon his ridiculous height!), shouting, "THE—_**CAT**_—SPEAKS—_**LATIN!**_ _How many times must I reiterate?!"_

He wasn't worried for his safety, so he just gave me a blank face. "Okay, so it talks…to _you_. How can you be sure that it's not just some friggin' malfunction from getting sent here like that and hitting your head? Before droopy eyes believes you, you're gonna have to _prove it_ to him."

I let go and he stood straight, resettling the coat on his shoulders. I gave him a resentful frown. "You don't believe me, _do_ you? The great Kanzeon Bosatsu can appear before you from the heavens and you're all for it, but when I suggest that a cat is talking to me, you think I'm cracked. You're just like everyone else."

"Lighten up. If it's all true, _everybody_ will believe you. You have to admit, though, that it's a little heavy. And you _did_ hit your head pretty hard. The good doctor said you were fine, but maybe he was wrong."

"I'm…_not_…delusional," I said through gritted teeth.

"Crazy people never admit that they're crazy, don't you know that?" He smiled and pulled a cigarette from a pack in his inner pocket, then lit it with a silver butane lighter. He snapped it shut and replaced it, and exhaled a few wisps of bluish gray smoke, watching them trickle away into pretty curly designs. "I think I see the chimp waving for us to follow. You want your weapon or not? I have doubts about your fighting skills up against the youkai, but you seem sweet enough. We'll humor you."

Despite the condescending tone, my interest was piqued. _Pointy things? No talk! Get pointy things!_ My brain immediately concerned itself with that instead. What was up with it lately? _Was_ I cracked…again?

Oh, well…when in Rome…be just as bloodthirsty and relentless as them crazy Romans.

Hail Nero!


	6. Porphyrophobia: Fear of the Color Purple

**The Irony Gods: Chapter 6**** (EDITED)**

* * *

_**(Author's Note)**_

_The chapter will be a bit maddening (considering how Sanzo won this one) and longer than the others were. And when I say "won", I mean I rolled a 12-sided die and cast magical chemicals into a fire in order to divine the will of the Irony Gods. Or demons…considering their behavior of late, they're more demonic than divine. Oh, well. There's actually a plot developing here (and you thought I was just some creepy chick with too much blood in her caffeine stream!) so keep a lookout for it and don't mind the serious bits too terribly! Plus, I slept maybe four hours total…after staying up till 9 AM, so I apologize in advance for exposing you to this idiocy._

* * *

_**Porphyrophobia: Fear of the Color Purple**_

Sanzo wouldn't stop glaring at me with those creepily demonic eyes. It was freakier than Hakkai's occasional twisted smirks, but only because he didn't hide the obvious fact that my presence was pissing him off. Geeze, one would think he could be a _little_ friendlier than an icicle toward a sixteen-year-old would-be midget with a superiority complex; but _noooo_, that wasn't _Sanzo's_ style. Nuh-uh.

Of course, I hadn't expected any better from old monk-man, so I wasn't perturbed. I merely swung around the new blade, giggling when I got it spinning figure-eights so fast that even the black leather-wrapped grip became a blur of twin discs. It was fairly simple, just a very straight, narrow sword about four feet long, made of tungsten or titanium alloy, I supposed, considering its light weight and strength. The thing that had truly drawn me to it was the fact that the end looked like half an arrow. There was a wicked barb that swept back on one edge, and had been sharpened all around—except on the inside of the barb. The mildly sadistic side of my brain commented casually that this dull spot on the blade was there so that the prey didn't slip off the end so easily…

Hell, even the tourists were noticing:

"_My gods! What is that young lady doing?" "Who gave her that to play with?" "That's not a toy!" _and_ "Those men should be ashamed of themselves, allowing a child to wield such an awful-looking blade!"_

—That last one wormed its way down my auditory canal and jiggled my tympanic membrane in such a way as to accost my cochlea and give it no other option than to ignite every synaptic nerve in the ANGER center of my brain.

…I realize, in retrospect, that I should really have taken along my Prozac and Ritalin.

The blade stopped dead in my hands, and in a flash I whipped it around and held it straight out to my side, twitching eyes glowering across my shoulder and down my arm at the uptight bitch whose throat the razor edge of the sword was pressed up against. "Care to repeat that?" I growled.

I sensed him aim before I heard the all-to-familiar _ka-chak!_ of the hammer being drawn back.

"Lower the sword, or I _will_ shoot you," he said, his voice so low and royally pissed that an involuntary shudder trickled down my spine.

There was general commotion and confusion as half the market noticed our little tiff and panicked, some running away and others forming a fight circle, too uncertain to intervene.

I grinned at the woman, and her eyes grew to the size of plates. "Hey, she dissed my new blade. Her bad."

"Lower. The. Sword. NOW."

I giggled this time. "Hey, Sanzo, your gun's an eyesore. It's ugly and stubby and weird. Get a new one."

"WHAT did you say? _Do you wanna die?!_" His voice was a little louder now. I could practically _hear_ the veins popping out of his head.

"See how it feels? My baby's been insulted. I'm just demanding an apology." The grin vanished from my face in an instant as I tuned the group out into white noise and narrowed my gaze at the terrified woman.

"Please don't kill me!" she begged.

I shrugged. "That's up to you. You hurt my sword's feelings before I even got to name it. Don't you have something to say?"

"Uhhh…I'm s-s-so s-sorry!" The panic was so vivid yet simple, as though a shadow had wandered across the sun.

"There you go, then." I dropped my arm and held the sword in two hands, to prove that it was now safe. "Go on. No need to waste any more of your time chatting with a simple_ child_." There wasn't a little bitterness in my tone when I said child. No way. I was perfectly okay with myself.

ANGER grumbled spitefully, _Bitch_.

I sighed and scratched my hair, running my fingers through the black strands and wrinkling my nose at the gross sensation of oil on my scalp. Dammit, I wanted a bath, or at least a shower. Hair this long didn't need care—it needed maintenance, even in this world.

"Sanzo, I wanna go back now," I said, pouting in irritation with my head and returning to the small table where everyone was seated, still staring at me as though I were a crazy person with a knife…which, I suppose, I _was_ after all…Heh-heh…oh, the Irony Gods were having a field day. I almost felt bad for the Sanzo party.

"Lydia, may I ask you to promise never to do that again?" Hakkai inquired pleasantly. Well, his _face_ and his _words_ were pleasant…but that guy was capable of grinning as he ripped a person's intestines out and fed it back to them. There was enough threat behind the question to make me hesitate.

"Er…I guess," I murmured at length, frowning askance at the friendly madman. Hakuryu let out a short _kyuuu!_ as if to admonish me for being so rash.

"Bitch, you crazy," muttered Gojyo. Though he was looking at Sanzo as he directed the words at me.

The monk had one hand covering his face, and the other idly holding the gun aimed at the sky. He seemed to be under a great deal of stress, and the hammer was still drawn back, so I wasn't quite sure what to make of it. He stayed like this for a time, then said very slowly and deliberately…and angrily, "If you _ever_ pull a stupid stunt like that again, I will take the sword back and return the money to the Three Aspects' card, understand?"

"Oh. Um. Yeah, I got that." He was giving off weird vibes again, and I saw Goku fidget uncomfortably, as though he could sense it too and felt guilty for no reason. But it didn't seem nearly so noticeable to the other two, seeing as how they quickly began teasing banter at Sanzo's expense.

"So how do you think you're going to handle _two_ wild animals, eh, O Exalted One?" prodded Gojyo, grinning and resting his chin on his fist as though truly interested in the answer.

"Goku _is_ a handful on his own," added Hakkai. "The addition of someone even younger and possibly less stable may hamper things a bit, and it isn't as if we can abandon her in the middle of a strange land with no way of getting home. Even you can't _possibly_ be that cruel."

One amethyst purple eye twitched, and his gaze zeroed in on mine. _Again _with the vibes. I arched one eyebrow, wondering what he was going to do about Gojyo's little comment, and without warning the fan whipped out and smacked Gojyo so hard that his chair tipped over backwards.

"What the _fuck_, Sanzo!" demanded the kappa in vicious indignation. With polished youkai reflexes only slightly hampered by the alcohol in his blood, he jumped to his feet and stood there for a tense moment before realizing that he did _not_ want to face off with the monk this early in the day. Hell, noon had yet to grace us with her presence, therefore the squabbling could wait. Instead, he righted his chair, turned it around, and straddled it with his arms folded on top. "Shit face," he grumbled spitefully.

"Would you like an early grave?" The gun appeared this time, replacing the fan—where the hell did he hide that fan anyway?—and pressed to the kappa's temple, the muzzle disappearing under all that blood red hair.

"What's got you in such a piss-poor mood?!" Gojyo snapped, backing away from the gun and moving his chair to the other side of the table.

A cloud passed over the sun and darkened the marketplace considerably, and I could see that more clouds were arriving to join the first. "Huh, it's gonna rain," I observed plainly. "Great. It's too hot as it is, and now this humidity?" For some reason old crankypants was glaring at me again, and once more I was getting those vibes, when it suddenly hit me. "Hey! Now I remember! You _hate_ rain, don't you, Sanzo?"

My, what violent eyes he had. "Feh." He tapped out a cigarette and lit it deftly by striking a match on the table while putting the pack back into whatever hidden compartments he had in that robe.

I frowned. He was really bothered by this. "I mean it. I need a bath, and I need to practice with my new sword. It's a lot different from what I'm used to—shanks and all that handmade goodness. Could we go now?"

"Do what you want."

"Did you just say 'shanks'?" murmured Gojyo.

I ignored him and focused on the pissy priest.

Crimeny, and to think that while watching through a TV screen I had once found this mood of his amusing. Now it just bothered me in a bad way. "Alrighty then. Let's scoot on over to the hospital. Pressure changes can mess with my shoulder." I stood, slung my sweatdrop-stuffed bag over my shoulder, and slid the sword into its special sheath. I would name it later.

The other three were getting ready to leave, but Sanzo was just sitting there, glaring up at the clouds.

_There must be something you can do to attract his attention enough to get him to go_, brain affirmed. _Look, his gun's just sitting there. Pretend to get a napkin, snatch the gun, and run like hell!_ Wow, brain was being smarter than stomach at last. Good brain…

…well…_smart_ as in _creative_, 'cause that was one hell of a stupid idea, by anybody's definition.

"I'll find a clearing for Hakuryu to transform," Hakkai informed us with a blank smile. He wasn't fond of rain, either, I recalled as he left to get ready.

While Goku and Gojyo gathered the remaining spring rolls and yakitori—indeed, there had been no octopus—Sanzo remained unmoving, and once they were done I looked off to see that Hakkai had Hakuryu ready. The monkey and the kappa were leaving.

"Aren't you coming?" I asked the monk, just to see if maybe he would get up himself.

No luck. He didn't even reply. I sighed and put the plan into action, reaching for the napkins and pretending to have some sweet and sour sauce still on my chin. Then in one quick movement I snatched the gun and bolted.

"Whoa!" suddenly I was jerked back and fell on my butt hard, wincing at the sharp pain. I looked up and winced again when I saw the anger in those jewel-like violet eyes. They were actually beginning to scare me, but _as if_ I would ever allow _anyone_ the satisfaction of learning that.

"Hand it over or I'll send you into the afterlife!" he threatened, the paper fan resting on his shoulder like a club.

"Bring it on, Blondie!" I cried in a fit of stupidity, wrapping my hand around the handle, slipping my finger through the trigger-guard, and then aiming the weapon right up into his face. "You mean this? I apologize for what I said earlier about this gun. I like it, actually. Packs a lot of firepower for such a little thing."

He stared as though he didn't know whether to beat me senseless or pretend I wasn't there. Somehow he managed to do neither, and held out his free hand. "Gun. Now."

"Say please. You're so broody and rude. All you have to do is say please, and I won't shoot you."

"Hey, what's the hold-up!" shouted Goku over the heads of all the tourists—though, granted there weren't that many anymore considering recent events. He saw me pointing the gun at Sanzo and utterly flipped. "What are you doing to Sanzo?!" he shouted even louder, looking confused.

"Shut up, ape!" ordered his master, not a little vehemently. Goku couldn't argue with that.

"Now you know what it's like to come up against someone as stubborn as yourself," I mused.

"You shut up, too! What the fuck makes you think you have the right to take _my_ shit?!" Those eyes were darkening now, to a deeper purple, but not because of anger. The rain was beginning to fall.

I shrugged as the first heavy drops sprinkled my skin and raised my face up to them with a smile. "Hmm. Feels nice. It's not about permission or rights. And it's not about wormholes sucking people into alternate universes. This is all about _you_, Sanzo. You don't have to be so pissy all the time. You're just too stubborn to change that, though, aren't you?"

He gave me another look, then stalked off toward the jeep. "If you want that bath, you'd better behave. Don't make me put you in a goddamn cage." I grinned and got to my feet, only briefly tending to my bruised coccyx before catching up to follow behind him. "What are you doing?" he growled without looking back.

I took the gun and stuck the muzzle against the small of his back, failing miserably to keep the laughter from my voice, "Reach for the sky! This is a stick-up!" _Bang_, I thought to myself, smiling at the safety as I pulled the trigger.

He heard the noise, and actually darted to the side, thinking I had actually tried to shoot—whoo, the guy was fast. And when he saw that it was a joke his mood darkened more than the clouds.

Out whipped fan. Beatings ensued.

"Oww! My head! That freaking hurts! Hey, that's my…Augh!" Finally, after I couldn't take the pain anymore I held my hands up, the gun hanging from my pinkie. "Take it! I give up! UNCLE!" I shielded my face from the blows, shocked at how much it _did_ hurt, and felt the gun lifted from my grasp.

The beatings halted. Order was restored.

"Get in the damn jeep before we leave you here." He took his rightful place at shotgun and refused to reply when Hakkai and Goku asked if he was okay. I frowned, but sat in the back anyway, splitting up the dysfunctional duo. "At least she's good for _something_," grumbled Sanzo, seemingly to himself.

"What's that?!" demanded Goku, still irked about the gun thing.

"She keeps you and the stupid cockroach from making noise." Dark purple eyes glared at me through the rain and rear-view mirror. "At least, she had better." He settled into the seat with an angry, morose look in his gaze as he watched the water fall all around.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

I tapped on Goku's shoulder and whispered something in his ear, and his eyes lit up. "Oh. Okay."

Neither said a word throughout the trip back, though Gojyo _did_ keep giving me odd looks every now and then. Bah. So they were too dense to see that all the guy wanted was peace and quiet, and had utilized my presence to obtain what he sought. Not my problem. Besides, _no one_ was jeopardizing my bath time.

* * *

**(The Good Doctor)**

The air conditioned hospital was a welcome change from the clingy thickness of the rain's scent, and when I returned to my bed I found a kooky-looking man in a lab coat fussing with an apparatus two spots down.

"Yo, are you the doc?" I asked without hesitation. I hadn't been kidding about the headache, and ever since a particularly bad fistfight at age thirteen I had sometimes had joint pains in bad weather. The older kids who had beat me down suffered the wrath of my gang buddies, and once I had healed up enough I returned the favor to the high school senior who had dislocated my shoulders to begin with. Juvie was okay, but _very_ boring.

The man turned around almost lazily, and I paused at the foot of my bed, slightly confused. I was missing something. I could feel it. But what the hell was it? I had noticed a bit of memory fragmentation, but I hadn't thought it was _this_ bad until now.

"Oh, hello," he said with a crooked smile. "Welcome back. I am…Dr. Jin. The green-eyed man—Hakkai, I believe—mentioned that you were having pains, hmm?"

I stared at him, still baffled at the sensation, at those glasses and his carelessly unkempt appearance and that short dark hair…but I was having pains. Best to take care of that first. "Yeah, my shoulders have weather pains, and that headache is coming back."—I didn't mention Sanzo's impromptu, yet highly deserved beating—"You wouldn't happen to have any aspirin, would you?"

He chuckled, giving me mild creeps with that soft, almost cruel voice. And it wasn't cruel in the usual sense of the word, either. This was…almost as though he cared about nothing and it showed. Nothing was sacred.

_Would that include yakisoba?_ inquired REASON, dripping with sarcasm. _Even though it pisses you off that these inconsistencies keep happening, and even though we keep forgetting things, this pain is worse. Now answer the damn question or he'll sedate you for psychological observation._

I almost cracked a smile. As if I didn't need a bit of head-shrinking anyway… "No, I'm not allergic to any medications," I replied. "Not to my knowledge, at least."

The crooked smile became more twisted. "Good. Now how do you feel about bunnies?"

_**EH?**_ REASON and I thought simultaneously.

"I…like bunnies…why?"

He leaned down, opened a cabinet beneath the apparatus' rolling table, and pulled out a stuffed rabbit doll. He was almost grinning now.

_Weird. Why is a grown man playing with stuffed animals?_

"I thought you might want some company other than the men who brought you here," he drawled, coming around the other beds and placing the toy in my hands before I knew it. "Now please have a seat and allow me to check you over before I mix anything for the pain."

Oh, well. I hugged the rabbit—it smelled like clean laundry, so my fears of old stuffed toys covered in baby drool were alleviated—and sat down on the edge of my bed. "Could you make this quick? I need a bath desperately, and I promised something to Goku."

"Of course. This will only take a moment." He drew a large, empty syringe from his coat pocket and placed it on my night stand, followed by a flashlight. He used the flashlight to check my pupils, and did a bit of stretching on my arms to see what actually hurt, then at the very end he picked up the syringe. "I would like to draw some blood, if you don't find that too unreasonable, hmm?" His glasses flashed in the dim light from the hallway…why were there no windows in this room?

_Cree-hee-heeeeee-py_, my brain said in a singsong tone, mimicking Ace Ventura…which was plain creepy in and of itself. Note to self: knock out brain and give stomach the reins ASAP.

"Uh, okay." Why not? As if needles were scary. I'd once dealt with worse from my own siblings.

I offered up a vein inside my left elbow joint and watched in curiosity and the spade-shaped end of the massive needle broke the skin. Moments later he had drawn a syringe full of my blood, capped for testing.

"You are very cooperative," he commented, putting the syringe and flashlight away. "As a reward, you take care of my friend there." He meant the rabbit. "I will return in a bit with a painkiller to suit your needs."

_Vicodin!_ I begged in my head. I wanted total unconsciousness for what would be bothering me if the rain picked up. Pain was capable of altering my temperament to the point where the next time I stole Sanzo's gun wouldn't be a joke. In fact, _they_ were why there could be a next time to begin with. Not good, to say the least. Pain makes me pissy as a drenched cat.

* * *

**(Resignation)**

The doctor left and I sought out the bath, running into Goku in the process. He wanted to know if I was keeping my promise and I assured him, come hell or high water, or even a swarm of African killer bees, I would keep it.

_I cannot believe we're the youngest one here_, sighed my ego, not particularly happy with the fact. _And I'm beginning to doubt our capacity to fight off attackers as well. That sword is much longer than your old shank._

I laughed while I stepped into the onsen out back, ignoring the nagging inconsistencies between Chinese and Indian and Japanese cultures, and attributing it to coincidence. Just enjoy the hot water. The joints need it.

"Yeah, but the shank was hand-made, and I think the gang would agree with me when I say that craftsmanship is worth more than makeshift ground metal."

Brain sighed, curling up in my cranial cavity with a chuckle. _True. Too bad we'll never see them again. Hell, we may never see anybody we know ever again._

I could feel that it had already resigned itself to the possibility, and couldn't help but give in as well. It _was_ a possibility, and I would accept whatever circumstance dished out whether I agreed with its decision or not.

The Irony Gods hate it when you don't fight their idea of fate, which makes it more likely that you'll get what you want if you convince yourself that it doesn't matter, so long as you're useful to _some_one.

Loopholes…gotta love the stupid things.


	7. Food: Cause for War

**The Irony Gods: Chapter 7**** (EDITED)**

* * *

_**(Author's Note)**_

_I like Ni Jianyi (spelled "Ni Jenyi" in Reload, I think). I don't care what the rest of the world thinks, because __**he's **__the kookiest character in the entire series. Hell, even Sanzo doesn't have the psychological issues that the Professor has, considering that Sanzo at least knows that __**some**__ lines are not to be crossed…whereas Ni don't give a crap. I like the crazies, and Ni is the nuttiest fruitcake out there. Plus, scientists are cool. We're gonna rule the world one day, doncha know?_

_Kannon is also one of my favorites. She/he has exactly the attitude a Merciful Goddess should have. I admire a shemale with spunk. (Giggles uncontrollably) Oh, and I happen to LOVE this chapter…Goku's so adorable, and Sanzo's so pissy._

* * *

_**Food: Cause for War**_

_**(In Shangri-La)**_

"_Yo, Jiroushin, come look at what I've just found." Kanzeon Bosatsu sat forward in her seat beside the viewing pool and frowned at the events unfolding on the earth below._

"_What is it?" Jiroushin questioned, stepping up beside the throne and following the Merciful Goddess' gaze. She had just returned from a small errand and was already watching over her little party? He still wasn't sure what exactly she was planning, but she at least seemed confident in them, and that was more important than his own opinions._

"_Don't you notice the new arrival? There's a young girl down there, and from the looks of things, she is breaking quite a few of the rules—not just Sanzo's, but the rules of balance as well."_

_He didn't see anything unusual about the girl. She __**was**__ being a bit of a nuisance to Genjyo Sanzo and the ikkou, but other than that there was nothing apparently __**wrong**__. "How so? She seems normal enough."_

"_I can't be sure, which bothers me, but I think she's from a different plane from theirs—or ours, for that matter." She narrowed her eyes at the girl—not in irritation, but in curiosity. This was going to be interesting indeed. Perhaps it might even warrant a __**visit**__ from the Goddess._

_Well, good. Things __**had**__ been a bit dull lately. _

* * *

**(Back on Earth)**

"Don't touch that!" I said quickly before Goku tried to eat a bay leaf.

"Awww, but it smells go gooood!" He put on the puppy face, and those huge golden eyes almost glowed with their own godlike light. I didn't think it was wise to say it aloud—so I didn't—but I couldn't help but wonder how much the other three _really_ knew about the monkey king. Reincarnation was apparently a bizarre system.

Speculation saved me from the helpless cuteness of puppy eyes to wither the will of all the gods, Ironic or otherwise.

"You can't eat that plain. Besides, it's gross alone. It only adds the right flavor once it's cooked, all right?" I took the five leaves and crushed them in my hand before tossing them into the deep pan of chicken, pork, and assorted seasonings. It smelled pretty good, though.

Food was definitely the way to Goku's good side, and after the "stupid stunt" with the sword and the "little incident" with Sanzo's gun, I felt like I owed the four of them at least a decent dinner. I thanked the Irony Gods that I knew a few excellent Asian dishes. Home Economics, I LOVE YOU!

"What's this stuff called again?" He pressed close to the stove to see the food better, and I was just glad that he was wearing casual clothes—a T-shirt and jeans—rather than the cape and all. A kitchen fire was the last thing I needed.

"Filipino Adobo," I replied, grabbing the lid and covering the pan tightly, and turning the heat low. "It needs about an hour to simmer, then it will be done, so don't you dare open that lid."

"But it smells awesome!" He pouted and I sighed, rolling my eyes.

"Goku, do you _want_ Sanzo eating dry, gross, undercooked food? Because that's what'll happen if you open that lid and let all the moisture out." I sure as crap didn't want the pissy priest attacking _me_ in his precipitation-induced rage.

I could see the cogs spinning in his head, and he nodded at last. "I got it. I won't open it, I _swear_!" Anything Sanzo-related and the kid crumbled like a cookie…though if I told him that he resembled a cookie in any way shape or form I wasn't absolutely sure whether or not he would try to eat himself.

Huh. I put that on my mental list of possible experiments to perform while I was here: Cannibalism and psychology.

"Come on, little monkey, I'm not leaving you alone with the food." I laughed and started heading out, but when Goku didn't follow I looked back to see what was up. "You okay?" I asked.

He was watching me with an odd curiosity. "How come it doesn't bother me when you call me monkey?"

What? "Er…I have no clue. That's your issue to figure out, not mine. If Hakkai called you 'monkey' all the time, would it bother you?"

"Hakkai's nice to me, so I don't think so…so since you're nice to me, I don't mind it?"

"Do I _look_ like a shrink?" I laughed. "Come on. You'll be tempted if you stand around the kitchen with the food cooking like that. Hell, even _I'm_ tempted."

"Uhh…'kay." He followed me out after only a brief hesitation, down to Gojyo's room.

"Yo, Red, you in there?" I called, knocking.

"It's open!" he answered.

He was sitting at a small table, playing solitaire, with his hair up in a ponytail, in a tank top and cutoffs. Well, well…giving Hakkai and Sanzo their space to brood, huh? He was unconsciously nicer than he would ever admit aloud. "Feel like a game?" I inquired, seeing as how the deck was out. "I have no cash, but I figure if I let you thrash me bad enough it should be a sufficient boost to your ego to make the money irrelevant."

He quirked a crimson eyebrow at me and smiled despite himself. "You are _way_ too damn smart for your own good. 'Course, if you teach the monkey how to have a brain, he might stand a chance out there."

"Stupid cockroach, stop calling me monkey!" Goku retaliated automatically, leaping at the kappa without restraint.

"Get the hell offa me, runt! Hey, stop pulling those!" A scuffle commenced and I calmly sat down at the card table, gathering up the cards and shuffling the deck properly. I didn't really trust that Gojyo would follow the rules, but since I had nothing to lose financially, I would go no further than to deal and shuffle the cards.

I sighed after about thirty seconds of their fighting, then grabbed a pillow off the bed and chucked it at Goku, "Oy, monkey-boy. Sanzo's in a bad mood; are you _sure_ you want to make it worse?"

_That_ shut him up. He abandoned the fight almost instantly, and jumped into a seat next to me and across from the instigator of the battle. "What're we playin'?"

"Huh? How did you _do_ that?" demanded the half-breed through what _appeared_ to be cardiac arrest.

"Just sit yourself down and teach me Texas Hold 'em. I suck at it, and I figure you can teach if anyone can." I disregarded REASON's automatic comment on the fact that Texas Hold 'em, while a popular game, was rationally not present in this world. Brain was wrong, I was sure of it.

"Aha! Well, then, little missy, I believe you have come to exactly the right gorgeous, long-legged, redhead!" He slid into a chair and gave me a pleased grin. "Sha Gojyo, at your service."

"Whatever, just tell me what the crap to do," I sighed, smiling despite my brain's incessant mutterings.

_You know, perhaps boosting his ego is a bit like setting an ICBM on a forest fire. Not only is it wildly out of control to begin with, it's likely to explode now_, the voice chided pedantically. _Please do your best to kick his ass._

"Why don't you _help_ me a little with all the thinking bits, before getting all preachy and wasting your talents on telling me what to do," I suggested testily, knocking on my skull to get it to shut up.

"Who're you talkin' to?" Goku was staring at me as though I had sprouted three more arms and an ice-cream vending machine out of my spleen. Gojyo's eye did a weird little twitch.

"Oh, that? Just the voice of REASON, that pushy little bastard." I dealt the cards and pointed at the kappa. "Now teach me the game or eat cat food, dammit."

They stared only a moment more, and at the threat of starvation the game began with no more questions.

* * *

**(Dinnertime!)**

Dinner was interesting, to say the least. Hakkai made an effort to eat with the squabblers and myself, and seemed to like the food, but Goku was, for lack of a better word, deliriously happy. Gojyo had a hell of a time just keeping the food on his plate.

In fact, they were so loud that it attracted the attention of a certain previous acquaintance.

"_Cur clamant magna voce?"_ yawned the black, faintly tiger-striped cat as it wandered purposefully into the kitchen and leapt gracefully onto the rice dispenser. He sat in peace, his tail twitching only a little, and blinked those beautiful, phthalo-green eyes at me in mildly irritated curiosity.

A silence filled the room…

I noticed this silence with a drop of satisfaction, and turned to the frozen roach and monkey battling it out over the last pork rib. "He wants to know why you're shouting so loudly," I informed them after a bite of chicken.

"You gotta be shittin' me," muttered Gojyo. His jaw actually dropped to the table with a _thump_. Defying the laws of human anatomy now, were we?

Goku jumped out of his chair and pointed a shaking finger, "It _t-talked_! What language is it speaking?!"

"Hmph, Latin," I replied smugly. "Do you believe me now or am I still crazy?"

"Um, both," Hakkai said, smiling. Was he amused or mocking me? Dammit, he was so _creepy_ sometimes!

"Thanks a lot. I shall translate no further." I stood up and carried my empty plate over to the sink, passing the monkey king on the way and ignoring his downtrodden, shocked expression with a vengeance. Damn those huge, golden eyes! My will would _not_ be broken! "Yo, kitty, you got a name?"

"_Mihi nomen est Niveus. Cur?"_ (Trans: My name is Niveus. Why?)

"Well, it's only right to call respectable sentient beings by their proper names," I insisted. "Oy, Monkey, cockroach, you're on dish detail, punks." I glanced at the cat while I picked up the fifth plate, which I planned to take to Sanzo in case the rain let up enough for him to feel like eating. Last I checked, there had been a bit of sky peeking through the cloud cover. "Hey, Niveus, do you realize at all the irony in your name, or did you do that on purpose to mess with people who don't speak your language?" _Niveus _meant 'snowy' in my language—whichever _that_ was in this screwy dimensional plane.

"_Magister me appellavit; ergo optionem non habui."_ (Trans: Master named me; therefore I didn't have a choice.)

"Ooh, that bites. Well, come on. I'm gonna go feed Sanzo—if he'll eat, that is."

Niveus hopped down from the dispenser and trotted after me, pausing only briefly to wind around each guy's leg, and then exited with a small chuckle. _"Illi viri fatui sunt." _(Trans: Those men are silly)

"Well, that's one word for them," I sighed, stopping at Sanzo's door and knocking lightly. "Hey, boss-man, I know you feel like crap, but in case this weather lets up I have some deliciousness for thee. Whether you will it or not, I'm entering."

The insubstantial light from the hall was barely enough for me to see by, but the brooding figure at the window was unmistakable with the robe wrapped down to his waist in comfort mode.

_Captain Crankypants himself_, quipped the STUPID center of my brain.

"Shut it!" I snapped, stepping off to the side and setting the plate on the table, next to a dish overflowing with cigarette butts and about seven empty packs of Marlboros. I swear to the Gods, this man was going to drive himself to an early grave with all the smoking. There was a near-miasma in his room already!

"Who the hell are you talking to?" His voice came out of the faint silhouette against the small window, and when he leaned forward the light from the door caught the violet in his eyes.

"The voice in my head, what else?" I replied. "Here's your food, whenever you feel inclined to put some meat on that wiry frame of yours. Oh, and the talking cat's name is Niveus. It means 'snowy'—ironic, eh?"

He just stared, almost like he wanted to frown, but didn't have the energy for it. "Once again, you make no sense." The glowing orange of his lit cigarette flared brightly as he took a drag.

I shrugged. "It looks like the rain is about to slow down, Sanzo. It's been hours since the rain started, but since it is taking pity on you now, you should at least eat." I turned to the cat. "Niveus, convince this angry old coot that I'm not _totally_ crazy."

"_Certe, sed sine spe est. Me audire animum non habet."_ (Trans: Certainly, but he's hopeless. He doesn't have the will to listen to me.) The cat looked at him, and sat down when his violet gaze turned to it guardedly.

"Did that thing…?"

"Yes. I've told you, but well…heh, I guess I'm a little too _insane_ to be taken seriously!" Niveus and he both gave me odd looks (though Sanzo's was stranger to see) and I sighed and left without adding anything more.

"Every freaking time I try to do something to make them _see_, I get the why-won't-the-crazy-chick-just-shut-up look and it's beginning to give me a headache!" I ranted in the hall on the way to my room. "Irony Gods, I know you can hear me! I'm about two nanometers away from _killing _something!" There was a soft, shuffling sound behind me, and I paused in my rambling to throw a sharp glare over my shoulder. "What the hell do _you_ want?"

"I want some goddamn rice, that's what I want," the angry monk upbraided, his arms folded across his chest in the usual pissed-offy way. Well, at least it was the 'usual' way, and not the 'I'm-depressed-and-brooding-and sad-but-I-won't-accept-comfort-from-anybody' way. (Why do I keep using those damn hyphens?!)

"Tell the cat to make Goku fetch it for you!"

"I told _you_ to get the fucking rice, woman, did you not hear me?!"

"Don't you yell at me, Monk-ee-Boy!" I screamed, utterly pissed.

"Wha—did you just call me a monkey?! How dare you lump me in with the ape!" The fan appeared and he shook it at me threateningly.

A hand came out of nowhere and placed itself on Sanzo's less-violent shoulder (i.e., the one _not_ wielding the paper fan of indiscriminate cataclysm). "Now, now, Sanzo. There's no need to hit the young lady who cooked our food while I was feeling literally under the weather." He laughed at his little joke and Sanzo gave him a fairly displeased sneer.

"Goddamn it, Hakkai, one of these days I'll…"

"You'll what?" This time the smile twisted itself a peculiar way and a wicked gleam came into the visible crystal green eye. I shuddered, and Sanzo glowered in momentary frustration before putting the fan away.

"Fine, I'll get the fucking rice myself!" he rumbled, trudging to the kitchen with plate in hand. The exact second he entered the kitchen, he snapped, "Move it or die!"

"Hey, look, monkey! Sanzo's feeling better! How _is_ our beloved leader today? Did he have a nice nap?" That was Red, all right. The click of a safety was the only thing to give him pause.

"Are you gonna obey or do I need to fire a warning shot into your head?" came the low, threatening reply.

"Augh! Run, monkey!" There was a very loud racket composed of multiple reports from the banishing gun, as well as screams and yelps from both the monkey and the cockroach—plus a long string of death threats and profanities for good measure from the vicious monk in question…Buddhism was really losing its edge.

I _had_ to ask Hakkai, who now wore a beatific smile on his face as though the tumultuous cacophony in the kitchen weren't happening, "Er, is his behavior the result of the rain or is this his way of lifting his own spirits."

He considered it, laughed in that oh, so creepy way, and replied, "I think it's the latter, due to the former. As you so aptly pointed out, Sanzo is not the most pleasant on rainy days. I don't like them, either, but…I cope."

"Huh…the only thing I hate about rain is the low pressure. It makes my shoulders hurt like crap." Speaking of which…"Yo, Niveus, where's the good doctor? You seem aware of every little thing. Is he done with my medicine yet?"

The cat had been sitting in the doorway to Sanzo's room in silence, observing the goings-on in a detached manner. _"Est in tuo Cubiculo. Te exspectandum est." _(Trans: He's in your room. He's expecting you.)

"Oh, thank the Irony Gods…at least they're doing _some_thing right," I sighed. "Well, I'm gonna go get taken care of," I informed Hakkai. "If the painkillers are non-drowsy I'll probably be back, but if they're not, do you think you could keep the Kings of Calamity from disturbing my drug-induced coma?"

"Of course." This time the smile was sincere and pleasant _for real_.

"You're the only sane one left, dude. Treasure that." I shook my head, patted his shoulder in camaraderie, and headed for my room.

* * *

**(Bad Medicine)**

Dr. Jin was lying back comfortably on the bed beside mine, playing with the stuffed rabbit like a little kid. Well, I wasn't one to throw stones. Back in my world, I had been known to carry a pillow around everywhere I went in the house like a security blanket. My foster family (I called them Mom and Dad anyway) attributed it to a screwed up childhood—whereas _I _attributed it to Egyptian cotton, silk, and excellent fabric softener.

It really bothered me that the shrinks always went for the most complicated explanations where behavioral issues were concerned. Was it wrong to have a crazy background and still prefer certain things for mundane reasons, or did I have to be like Sanzo and let the weight of the past affect every aspect of my life? Egyptian cotton on a goose down pillow is damn nice, for sanity's sake!

_Hey, the doctor's staring at you. Say something._

Oops. "Thanks REASON," I whispered, smiling at the doctor.

"What's up doc?" I stifled an idiotic giggle, knowing damn well that he shouldn't have a clue as to what I was alluding, but thinking it was funny, anyway. "I hear tell that you have my medication?"

"Hmm? Oh, hello, Lydia. I was wondering when you were going to return. My friend was so lonely…" He smiled, but the glare on his glasses hid the expression in his eyes from me.

"Sorry. I had to cook, and I didn't want him to get dirty." Best not to seem too disagreeable. Sanzo was one thing—deep down I _knew_ he wouldn't kill me without a very good reason (not to be mistaken for a Pissy Mood Syndrome moment, which he seemed to suffer almost eternally)—but _this_ guy was iffy.

"Oh, well I am very grateful for your consideration." He sat up and stood on his feet, reaching into his lab coat pocket like last time and taking out a bottle of pills. "These are excellent painkillers, tailored to fit your exact needs at this moment. Now, once the pain goes away, they will no longer be useful, because that's just how it works. When you've made the aches go away, please return the remaining pills like a good girl."

_A good girl, eh?_ My brain couldn't help a little chuckle. _He should really get a look at your record at the DA's office—under lock and key, of course. So should the Sanzo party, for that matter._

I agreed, but talking to myself in front of a doctor seemed more than a little, well, crazy. "So I can take it only until the pain stops in my shoulders and head?" I inquired.

"Yes. Once the pain is gone for good, please do not use it for any other pains. It will only make those pains worse, and may even tamper with your sleep patterns. We wouldn't want that now, would we?" He smiled, and this time I could see the emptiness in his eyes. Smart people—such a bizarre bunch.

"No, I suppose not. In that case, thank you. I'll turn in the remainder when I'm sure I'm fine."

"Good little patient! Take good care of my friend now, hmm?" And then he left, out a door at the other end of the infirmary, humming to himself.

I watched the doctor leave, then read the pill bottle—painkillers, all right, some form of hydrocodone I hadn't been given yet, according to my hospital-related recollection. "He must be a genius to be able to tailor drugs so fast…though I wonder if that's a good thing."

Oh, well. This place was much different from my own world, so these kinds of things were probably common here.

I filled a glass on the night stand with water from the pitcher, took two pills from the ten in the bottle, and swallowed before my body realized what I was doing and tried to stop me—for some reason, it refused to cooperate with pills, preferring to gag them up or choke on them or whatever. Luckily, these went down without a hitch, and after closing the door I changed into fresh PJs.

Screw getting yelled at again tonight—I was tired of it. I turned of the lights and turned down the sheets, then crawled into bed, paused, and grabbed my new sword to stick it under my pillow.

_Finally_, I closed my eyes for some hard-won rest as Niveus curled up at the foot of my bed. My headache was fading already.


	8. Warning: May Cause Psychosis

**The Irony Gods: Chapter 8**** (EDITED)

* * *

**

_**(Author's Note)**_

_This chapter's a bit serious and long...and disturbing…with a side dish of sarcasm and comical bitterness…It's really hard to make serious situations funny. It takes practice. Besides, I've wanted to write this chapter for a while now. It's been stewing! Oh, and just to remind everyone, I don't own Minekura's mess—I just own Lydia and her cat. Of course, you already knew this, did you not? Oh, and I dedicate this one to the Pixie and the Cow, cuz they's into "JtHM" as well. _(Z?)

* * *

_**Warning: May Cause Psychosis**_

_**(A Bit of a Dream Sequence)**_

_It was cold. This dream was always cold. But it wasn't cold like ice, or cold like the northern oceans as they shifted gray and black in the tempest—this was a different chill, one which made my limbs fall limp, not frozen._

"_I blame you for everything." _

_The chill voice didn't take heat—it took life and soul. I had never heard the words spoken aloud, but I always made _**them**_ say it to me. I had every right to take the blame, to take the fall which never seemed to reach me. I wanted something to happen to finish it off. I wanted…to be punished. _

_It was wrong that nobody seemed to blame me for anything. Not for __**him**__—whom I failed so completely. _

_And especially not for the ones who didn't even see it coming._

_Just once, I wanted to be accused, not pitied…but…when you're only seven, no one can lock you up for murder._

* * *

**(Sequence Ended—Thank You for Your Cooperation) XD**

I hit the floor through the dream and slammed back into consciousness, feeling nothing more for a blessed moment, then feeling nothing but pain the next.

I screamed. My insides were twisting in and around themselves, as though someone had stabbed a pitchfork into my stomach thinking my intestinal tract was a bowl of spaghetti. That _bastard_. I am _not _spaghetti!

And then the flood of memories inundated my every sense, and even screaming seemed too weak of a reaction.

Four people, all of them dear, none of them living, lying on the floor, pooling with blood, staring up at me, asking me why, demanding justice, leaving me so alone. _Well answer, then_, whispered the MEMORY center of my brain, echoing with voices I knew no longer existed. _Why did you do it? Why did you pull the trigger? _

"You made me!" I screamed, curling into a tight ball and trying to force the voice back, only to be struck by the pain again, that _idiot_ with the spaghetti!

"Lydia! Lydia, whazzamatter!" I knew it was Goku—I could sense his aura like a simmering pot of stew—which I would never tell him for fear of self-cannibalism. He was so much more powerful than any of them—except maybe Sanzo. Even the gods were uncertain about the little heretic, it seemed.

I felt a hand through the pain and tumultuous noise in my own head, and returned to myself. I was aware now. Great. The pain was the same and the shouting in my brain didn't get any quieter, but at least I knew I was still alive, still resisting the lashes of retribution.

_Fix that immediately_, murmured MEMORY. _Now is your chance to end it. Give the voices what they want, and then they'll go away. The pain will go away._

"Yes," I heard myself reply in a hoarse whisper. I knew what I had to do. There was only one chance.

I had to appease the dead.

"Lydia, where are you going?" Goku shouted after me when I tore from his grip and sprinted out of my room. I heard bare feet slapping on the floor as he followed me three doors down and smashed—with no concern for my personal well-being, of course—through Sanzo's door, nearly breaking it off its hinges and tearing the bolt out of the wall.

"What the fuck?" the priest managed before I sprang across him and snatched the gun from the window sill. When he saw what my target had been, he went from pissed to enraged in about, well, nothing flat. "You wake me up at _three in the fucking morning_ for _**GAMES!?**_" And then he stopped yelling, because he saw what I was doing with the gun.

I had it pressed to my own temple, my right hand shaking so hard that I could have slipped and pulled the trigger at any moment. I could feel hot tears like itchy streaks stretching from my eyes.

"Lydia, no!" Goku cried at the door.

"Don't move, Goku!" Sanzo, ordered instantly, staring at me in open shock for the first time I had ever seen. In a lower, less offensive tone, he said to me, "What do you think you're doing?" He seemed incapable of getting rid of that edge of irritation. Even then, with a gun at my head, he was pissed that I had woken him up.

Not that I cared. "I'm fixing it," I replied softly. "They want me to fix it. I'm so sorry I did it. I don't want the pain anymore, so I'm going to make them happy now."

"What the hell is going on over…here…?" I sensed Gojyo and Hakkai standing beside Goku in the doorway, stunned. "Lydia? Hey, isn't that Sanzo's…?"

* * *

_**(Sanzo's little POV on this whole debacle) XD **__(AN: Yes, I am aware that I am sick.)_

_At last, sleep had overcome the tired priest only minutes after the rain had stopped, and the clouds opened up to an empty sky. The moon was on the other side of the hospital, and the darkness wasn't distracting enough to keep him awake._

_And then his door __**exploded**__, waking him so abruptly that he could only manage a bewildered "What the fuck?" before the crazy girl seemingly tackled him and jumped away in an instant. _

_Was she practicing goddamn _**guerilla warfare**_ now? _

_But when he saw _**his**_ gun in _**her**_ hand, pissed replaced confused real quick. "__You wake me up at _**three in the fucking morning**_ for _**GAMES!?**_" he demanded, feeling the pummeling of the century coming on…and then he saw something far too familiar for comfort._

_Goku had appeared in the doorway, out of breath. "Lydia, no!" The stupid monkey was going to scare her into it!_

"_Don't move, Goku!" he shouted quickly before the shit-for-brains midget tried anything stupid. Then, to the girl with the gun to her head, he asked as inoffensively as he could (which, by the way was a long stretch for the disgruntled priest), "What do you think you're doing?"_

"_I'm fixing it," she murmured in reply, her gun hand shaking so badly that he was somewhat surprised that she hadn't already pulled the trigger. "They want me to fix it. I'm so sorry I did it. I don't want the pain anymore, so I'm going to make them happy now." The other two idiots came to the doorway, but he couldn't hear what they were saying. He was too busy with his own brush with a memory._

_That look, the one as she closed her eyes, where all hope left and all will to survive evaporated under the pressure of guilt—he could remember it so well. He didn't know what she had done, but he knew what she was feeling as she prepared to pull the trigger._

"_Fuck. Like hell I'm letting this happen in _**my**_ room," he growled to himself in annoyance._

* * *

**(And back to Lydia!)**

I closed my eyes. I would fix it for them. They wanted justice, and I was the only one who could give it. And suddenly the pain in my guts gave a sharp, agonizing stab as I squeezed the trigger…

The shot went wild when I found myself being rammed and shoved to the ground, and felt a surge of anger from MEMORY. _Interruptions!_ it hissed irately. _Finish the task! _I opened my eyes to find Sanzo pinning me to the floor and trying to get at his gun. _Kill him if you must!_

But…kill Sanzo? REASON left me as MEMORY shoved it aside and forced my arms to move. I felt the weight of the gun, like an anchor to reality, and knew what was necessary for me to complete the task.

Sanzo had one knee pinning both my knees to the floor, but I had one free hand—mostly—and I shoved as hard as I could and sat up despite the pain in my legs, freeing my gun hand and forcing it past his guard, right against his sternum. "Let me go. I have to finish it," I whispered, barely noticing the lack of emotion in my voice. This had to be done, and since spaghetti man was taking a brief break, I wasn't distracted by the stupid cramps.

He had stopped moving, but refused to free my arms, and glared at me so fiercely that the purple in his eyes seemed to shift like a lava lamp. He had such an aura about him, strong enough to overcome even Son Goku, but I could only guess what he knew about himself. I sure as hell wasn't telling him—it wasn't my place.

"Eat me," he replied flatly. "I won't let you play the coward." There was something in those eyes, something I could relate to…but…memories were failing again and I couldn't pinpoint what exactly it was.

"They won't let me go," I snapped, finally feeling a shred of anger at being held back from my job. I pressed the gun harder against him. "The dead don't like to be ignored, Sanzo."

"Not my problem…and not yours, either."

I frowned. Somehow that last bit had snaked into the ME center of my brain and clicked one of the locks. It made me think about what exactly was happening. "Not…my problem?" I murmured. Then I realized what I was saying and growled audibly, somewhat like a feral child. "I killed them! I could have fought it, but I didn't! I have to finish this!"

"You'll have to shoot me first," he replied coldly, grabbing my gun hand's wrist. "If you can kill me, then you can kill yourself."

_Do it!_ screamed MEMORY.

"Sanzo! What are you saying?!" cried Goku, struggling in Hakkai and Gojyo's grasp. "Lydia, you can't! Don't kill Sanzo!" _He's all I have!_

I froze, and looked up at the monk with wide eyes, "Was that…?"

He didn't answer the question, just sneered and responded, "What's your choice?"

_This isn't your place_, REASON whispered so softly under the shouts of MEMORY._ You did not come here to kill yourself, or to kill them_.

"Then why am I here?" I asked myself, growing more and more confused. What was I doing here? Why was I even _considering_ killing Sanzo? Other than beating me senseless with a paper fan, the guy really hadn't done anything to warrant my wrath.

Slowly, I felt REASON ease itself back into power, pushing MEMORY into a corner and chaining it there against its will. _We will discover the answer eventually. Until then, please drop the gun and apologize to Sanzo._ And just like that, the need to "finish my task" dissipated like so much smoke, and the pain in my abdomen returned full force.

"Ahh!" The pain caught me off guard, and I doubled over, dropping the gun to tend to my stomach. "I am _not_ spaghetti, dammit! I told you this already!"

"Well, she's talkin' crazy again, so I guess she's fine now," Gojyo ventured cautiously, letting Goku go the same time as Hakkai.

"It does seem to be the case," Hakkai admitted, sounding just a little winded.

Seeing as how I was cooperating, Sanzo picked up his gun and tucked it into his robe, then freed my legs and arms and sat back against the side of the bed. "Goddamn it," he sighed, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it, then taking a really, _really _long drag as he tilted his head back tiredly. He still seemed worn out from the rain.

I was just busy trying to regulate my breathing when Goku came over and knelt beside me, looking down at me as though torn between anger and worry. There was a stab of guilt at hurting him, and I gave him a weary smile, "I'm sorry, Goku. It's never been this bad before."

Everyone fell silent and looked at each other. Sanzo blew a long, wispy stream of smoke off to the side and broke the silence, "So this isn't the first time you've tried to kill yourself?"

I winced at his blunt words. "N-no, but this is the first time I've ever lost control of it. I used to be able to plan it out, but someone always caught me. I could never finish." I looked away, ashamed.

"So you're sane now." He was frowning again, but I wasn't sure what exactly he was frowning about.

"So to speak." I eased myself to my knees and flinched—they were bruised for sure. "I wish I could explain everything right at this moment, but I really need to get to the bathroom as quickly as possible."

Goku gave me a completely puzzled look, then his face grew a bit angry. "You almost killed Sanzo, an' now you wanna go to th' _bathroom_?"

I sighed. "Monkey boy, if you were a girl, you would understand, but since you're not, I'm not saying anything on the matter except: I have to get to the bathroom _now_."

"Huh?" he frowned.

"_Ohhh_," the other three said suddenly, as though this were the question to life, the universe, and everything.

"I'll handle this," muttered Gojyo, visibly forcing back a chuckle and a shudder all at once. He came in and helped me to my shaky feet. "Are you okay to walk?"

"Yeah, I can walk. Damn, this is a nightmare," I grumbled resentfully. "That's the _last _time I take medication for a stupid headache. Hell, I could handle that any day compared to this!"

I felt eyes on me all the way out the door, and once I was out, it shut crookedly behind me, muffling the chatter and arguments inside. "Crap, I feel like crap," I muttered, rubbing my face with my hands and pressing the heels of my palms against my eyes. "A freakin' nightmare."

"Um, Lydia, if it isn't too personal a question," Gojyo ventured cautiously, as if testing the waters for another bout of psychosis, "are you this fuckin' insane _every_ month?"

I laughed outright. "No. I've just been under a whole crap load of stress lately, what with the wormhole and all. Besides, I don't think that's why I've been so irritable."

"That's _one_ word to describe it, I guess." Then he laughed to himself as though he'd thought of something hilarious. "Just imagine that pious prick having to tend to the needs of a girl in your condition! He's damn lucky to have me around."

"You're so vain," I sighed in mock disdain. We came to the bathroom and I went in. "Don't go too far. I might need your help."

"Anything for a pretty lady," he winked.

"Bah. I'll cut ya." I chuckled when he blanched, and shut the door without easing his troubles.

* * *

**(Explanations)**

"I just want to _sleep_, goddamn it!" Sanzo covered his face with his smoking hand, taking refuge in his nicotine from the apparent plague of idiots who were occupying his room and keeping him from much-needed respite.

"Well, _sorry_, Sanzo, but I don't want that to happen again!" I shot back. "I was actually going to shoot you and then myself! Murder-suicide, dammit! I wanted to shoot both of us more than anything for a few seconds there! The only reason why I didn't was because I knew Goku would be a wreck without you!"

Goku fidgeted and pouted, but didn't argue, and I ruffled his fluffy hair affectionately. "I really like this upbeat monkey, and I didn't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt any of you guys." I trailed off to a murmur, and then stopped talking. They were looking at me weird again. "Oh, come off it!" I snapped, taking my hand back and hugging my knees—Sanzo, Hakkai, and Gojyo had seats at the table, but Goku was the only one who seemed unworried enough to sit with me on Sanzo's bed—which the monk didn't appreciate at all. He just wanted his beauty sleep, the jerk, and compensated by smoking like a chimney.

"She likes the monkey?" Gojyo whispered to Hakkai, like a kid passing notes in class. I chucked an ashtray at his head and he ducked at the last second, letting it land hard on the tiled floor. It was so sturdy and heavy that it didn't even chip. "Hey! What the hell was that for?"

"Don't mess with me when I'm in a bad mood," I advised sharply. I turned to Sanzo and Hakkai, the only ones intelligent enough to help me out. "All I know is that I took the medicine, then woke up in the middle of the night with a sudden need to kill myself. No, this is not my normal monthly routine, so that's out of the question. Of course, it may have something to do with Dr. Jin's warnings…" I furrowed my brows in thought.

"What did he say about the medication he was giving you?" inquired the demonic version of Mr. Rogers.

"He said that if I tried to use the medicine for any pain other than what he fixed it for, it could make that new pain even worse and mess with my sleep patterns."

"Hey, yeah!" Goku gasped out of the blue. "You were having a nightmare when I went to see why you were screaming, and that's when you kinda freaked and went to…yeah…" He fell silent again, still upset about the matter. I could tell that he was frustrated with himself for not helping more.

"Cheer up, monkey," I sighed. "In the morning I'll make my special omelet for breakfast, if that'll make you feel better." I smiled when he grinned. Food was _most_ _definitely_ the way to Goku's good side.

"She's too good at this," muttered the water sprite with an expression bordering on nausea. "Why won't she cheer _me_ up?"

"Because you're a perverted kappa, and you're far too old for me," I told him snappishly. "Now quit your whining. I'm gonna get the pills and show you guys what I meant."

I left and returned quickly, wasting no time, and handed the bottle to Hakkai first.

I anxiously watched while he read every little detail on the bottle and thought about it. "Sanzo, please look this over and give us your opinion." He handed the thing to old droopy eyes.

"In my opinion, you should all get the fuck out of my room," he growled past his cigarette as he studied the orange plastic and label. "Yeah, it's the medicine. No more of _this_ shit, I can tell you right now. I don't give a damn how much pain you're in—there'll be no more bullshit, or I'm shooting every intruder dead at the door."

"But how th' hell did th' medicine make her do all _that_?" demanded the monkey.

Thankfully, Hakkai explained—Sanzo would have just confused us further. "Lydia was already suffering from a headache and shoulder pains, and that is what the medication is for, but when she developed…well, cramps…the new symptom threw off the medicine and caused a side effect which they warn about right here." He held up the bottle and pointed at a small red label—_Warning: May Cause Psychosis_. He smiled, "See? All explained."

"Goddamn it, I'm beginning to hate you, Hakkai," Gojyo stated, starting to mimic the priest's smoking pattern.

I scowled. "I have lost all faith in the medical establishment of your dimension."

"The question here now," Sanzo added, giving me one of those piercing, searching frowns, "is why would you want to kill yourself to begin with? Not that I give a damn." A stray glare landed on Goku, before switching back to me.

He was hearing voices too, apparently, and everyone both did and didn't understand what he meant by the statement. My voices were my own, but he could hear Goku all the time. That must've sucked. All thoughts on meat buns in _Sanzo's_ head…damn.

"Oh." I looked hard at the floor, quite aware of three and a half sets of eyes watching me intently. "It's kind of…not good."

"No kidding. You tried to _kill_ yourself," the kappa supplied. "But don't feel too weird—we've all got 'not good' stories."

"I know. I know all your stories," I replied, ignoring three skeptical frowns and one indignant glare. "I guess…well, all right. When I was seven, I had these episodes where these voices in my head would tell me to do things. They're the same ones I have now, but now I maintain almost total control over them."

"The key modifier being 'almost', correct?" supplied Hakkai.

"Yep. It was a multiple personality disorder, different from normal schizophrenia. I _am_ clinically insane—neat, huh? However, I've learned to cope so well that no one now thinks I'm incapable of living a normal life with my foster parents. The voices are simply friends now."

"Except whichever one wants you to kill yourself," Sanzo muttered almost sarcastically.

"Like you're one to talk," I sniffed. "Anyway, when I was _seven,_ things got so bad that the episodes would begin to control me. I was too little not to listen to the bad things I was told to do…it only got worse and worse…until I snapped and…well, I…"

"Spit it out already! I want sleep!"

"I killed my parents, my big sister, and my big brother," I said, looking directly at him so that he knew I wasn't lying. "Dad was a cop. I was told to take the gun and shoot each of them in the head, and use a pillow as a silencer. Now, is that normal for a sever-year-old?"

"Uh, _no_." The kappa stood abruptly and made to leave, but Sanzo reached up, yanked him by the collar, and forced him back down into the chair.

"Don't be a pansy."

"How can you hear that and _not_ be disturbed, you psychotic prick?!" He was disturbed, all right.

"Um, if I may interrupt," Hakkai said gently, "what did the authorities do when they found you? What did _you_ do?"

"I was crying. I was seven freaking years old. I barely knew what was going on, and they kept yelling at me, demanding to know why I had done it, and I couldn't give them an answer because I didn't know!" I could feel a breakdown coming on, and the pain in my gut wasn't making it any better. "Dammit, I want to go to bed."

Sanzo stubbed out his cigarette and stood. "Good, then go. I want my damn bed back."

I shot him a cold glare and got off the bed to leave.

"You'll be sleeping in Goku's room," he added, seemingly as an afterthought.

"Wha—?" I froze, along with Gojyo and Goku.

"Why does _he _get to have her?!" demanded the kappa.

"_Excuse me?!_" I snapped at Red.

"But _why_, Sanzo?" Goku asked in confusion.

Not-so-baldy gave each of us a dead serious glare. "There's something going on here, and I sure as hell don't need any more of this idiocy tonight. If she and Goku get along, then I don't see why not—plus, if she decides to kill herself again, _I_ won't have to be the one shoveling shit. The monkey can do that just fine."

I growled at the selfish bastard, but saw the reasoning behind it, and found myself too exhausted to fight the verdict. "Whatever. Goku can wake me up when he wants breakfast. Your stomachs are in his hands."

"Sanzo, you prick!" was Gojyo's final word on the matter.

* * *

**(Peace)**

When I said the stuff about breakfast, the little monkey king didn't mind the sleeping arrangements so much anymore, and gave me half of the decent-sized bed—bigger than mine was, at least…dammit, why did he get a queen? Plus, it was kind of nice to have the moral support after nearly killing his father-figure.

Once settled in with the lights out, I gave into the guilt and asked softly, "Hey, Goku, are you mad at me for what I did to Sanzo? I'm so sorry, but I understand if you're still angry. I would probably be." Correction: I would have been in the tenth circle of pissed, deep enough to rival the monk himself.

I felt him shrug a little. "I don't like what you did—that was bad…but now I know it wasn't really you, so I can't stay mad. Besides, your cooking is so good!" Uh oh, best not rile him up with thoughts of food.

I chuckled despite myself, no longer feeling the heaviness of guilt, for some reason. "Thanks, monkey. _Now_ you can go to sleep," I yawned, passing out almost at the same time as he did, clinging to the sheathed blade of my sword and the stuffed rabbit doll. _This_ time I had no nightmares at all.


	9. Illusion: Preferable to Despair

**The Irony Gods: Chapter 9

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_(Author's Note)_

_The title of this chapter is a throwback to an episode of "The Simpsons". It's also one of my mottos…along with "Better Paranoid than Dead." I particularly like Sanzo's comment about spaghetti. _

_I've been watching "Orphen" so much that I can't stop giggling. Ah…memories. As much as I usually despise Cleao, I must admit that she has her moments, and angry people just amuse me all to hell…which I suppose is why "Orphen" and "Saiyuki" are my favorite animes…yeha…oh, and David Matranga is my favorite voice actor EVER. Whoop! Onward to the funny stuff!_

_P.S. I also love: Greg Ayres, Illich Guardiola, Spike Spencer, Braden Hunt, Shelley Calene-Black, Hilary Haag, Serena Varghese, Vic Mignogna, and Tommy Drake…basically all of ADV's voice acting crew. I LOVE YOU GUYS! To Geneon: GIMME BACK MY CREW, DAMMIT! __

* * *

_

_**Illusion: Preferable to Despair**_

My plans were all for naught. Nobody woke me up, and I slept so late that breakfast was out of the question. Lunch was the current mission at 11 AM-ish. 'Course, this didn't bother me one bit. I needed the rest anyway.

I did the usual morning routine: washed up and put on clean clothes—Hakkai was my hero. I needed new threads soon, just to lighten the guy's load. Hell, he had his hands full with the other three, and now _I_ had to come along and add my stupidity to the pile…no more! And when I was certain I was presentable, I approached the kitchen area, from whence came the sounds of squabbling, creepy laughter, and newspaper rustling.

"Dammit, monkey, that's my food!"

"Where's your name? It's first come, first serve, you pervy cockroach!"

"Goddamn it! It was on _my goddamn plate!"_

"You're just mad cuz you're stupid!"

"Oh, great comeback, genius. Didja think of that all by yourself?"

"Gimme that back, you bastard!"

"Quit kicking me! You're trying to feel me up, aren't you!"

"Eww! You're so gross!"

"_**DIE!"**_

I stared at the kitchen door for a cautious moment, watching the bullets smash interesting designs through the wall, allowing light through into the dim hallway. Damn, that gun was a lot more powerful than it looked. Only after I could hear the whimpers of submission did I continue on and open the door.

"Hey, people. I'm not dead."

Goku looked up from a plate the size of his head, piled high with an assortment of foods. "Don't…say that," he coughed, forcing down a sizable amount of pie. Once he was finished trying not to drown in cherry filling, he glared at me with childlike indignation in those liquid golden eyes. "Don't you dare say that again! That wasn't funny last night, Lydia!"

I blinked, then looked at the ground in embarrassment. "I'm sorry." I took a seat off to the side and chewed on a spring roll in an attempt to attract as little negative attention as possible.

Thankfully, they left me alone after that—momentarily.

Sanzo rustled his paper and sipped his coffee. "Hakkai, get your supplies shopping done today. We're leaving at daybreak."

"Wha—!" Gojyo's and Goku's heads snapped up from their plates in shock.

"But…but…I haven't tried th' _yakiniku_ at that stand down th' street, Sanzo!" was the monkey's reactive argument. Granted, food was great, but for the love of toast, why was he arguing when moving on meant possible fights? …Okay, so his list amounted to two things: Food first, fighting later.

"And I haven't gotten any action at all the whole time we've been here!" the kappa cried. No shock there.

Sanzo ignored their complaints, refusing to acknowledge existence with even his characteristic glare. "Hakkai, take Lydia with you. I have to lay down some rules for the other two animals."

"Who're you calling an animal, you sonuvabitch psychopath!"

"I believe we've established that _I'm_ the psychopath here," I muttered, drawing twitchy frowns from everyone but Hakkai—_he _just smiled blankly and sipped coffee. "Let's not use the label so lightly."

Gojyo's eyes went a bit wider, and then he turned to his friend and patted him on the back. "Uh, yeah…have fun, Hakkai!"

"You're such an asshole," Goku muttered flatly.

"I'm just avoiding conflict," explained the cockroach.

"By weaseling out to save your ass?"

I growled at the floor. "I'm not the plague here!"

Sanzo raised one eyebrow, "If I remember correctly, you're also not spaghetti."

"That was low!"

"You said it, not me."

_Don't do it_, sighed my brain, now under the management of REASON. _Please, for the love of sanity, **don't** attack the monk. There's no point, and he'll kick your ass anyway._

"Oh, come on, can't I at least try?" I begged.

"Stop talking to yourself!" Gojyo shouted, giving me a look as though he had the heebie-jeebies.

"Kyuuu!" In flew the little white dragon, looking quite rested. He perched on the corner of the table between Hakkai and Sanzo, taking a bite of his owner's kebab.

"Good morning, Hakuryu," I greeted.

"Kyuu!" He ate a bit more, then sipped a saucer of tea. Speaking of saucers…

"Yo, where's the cat?" I wondered aloud.

"Probably hiding from your crazy ass," grumbled Gojyo, apparently feeling a bit left out in the cold.

"You're just jealous," I retorted. "I have all the support I need, and all of it is tucked away safely in my head."

"You wish. With all the noise I'd never have the concentration pick up any hot ladies." He grinned and took another bite of what appeared to be either yakisoba or some equivalent—I could never remember all the Chinese names for food.

"Whatever, queer," I said mockingly, stealing a line from my comedian of choice.

"You did _not_ just call me a queer!"

"Ooh, did I hurt your feelings? Poor widdle Gojyo an' his _feelings_," I egged him on.

"Bitch!"

"I'm so hurt. Got anything better, roachy—?"

I heard the fan before I saw it, and on instinct—I'm a quick study—I ducked under the blow and scrambled for cover behind my chair. Gojyo was not so fortunate.

"Argh! That friggin' hurt! And you missed her! How the hell did you miss!"

"You were too busy trying to keep up with the argument to recognize the threat," I answered smartly.

This time the fan _did_ connect with the side of my head, and I yelped in pain, which made the ape and roach burst out laughing at my expense. I briefly considered starting a food fight, but let it go when the thought of getting hit again surfaced. The monk was already irritated—probably from lack of sleep (eh-heh…uh, yeah…my bad.)—no need making him full-blown pissed off the moment I enter the room.

Taking the higher road, I sat back in my seat and resumed the consumption of good vittles—best eat before shopping, so as to keep from passing out like that first day.

"You act as though you _didn't_ just get whacked by ol' Buddha Boy's fan," commented the water sprite, clearly incapable of self-restraint.

I smiled. "And you're about to find out why."

Right on cue, the fan whipped out and bashed him smack down on top of his head, returning instantly to its inconspicuous, mysterious hiding place. Sanzo was either a magician or a fantastic origami artist to get the fan to behave the way he made it…and somehow imagining Sanzo folding bits of paper into pretty animals was an image that eluded me no matter how hard I tried to picture it.

Gojyo nursed his injured cranium, "Shit…"

I hid a smile. "Er, where's the coffee? I'm gonna die if I don't get either coffee or a soda into my system before taking on the task of shopping."

"Here you go." Hakkai poured me a mug and handed it over. "Would you like cream or sugar? This hospital coffee is a bit strong, I'm afraid. They're over there."

"Tons of both, then, thanks," I murmured, getting up and doctoring the black coffee into a mocha latte with some chocolate I found. I even added ice from the cooler, snatching up the last Mountain Dew before returning to my food. "Oh, and before I forget, thanks for washing my clothes every day, Hakkai. I don't know what I would have done without you."

He gave me a funny look. "But I only washed your clothes the first day…"

"Huh? Then who's been cleaning my apparel? Sure as crap wasn't _me_…unless I've started sleepwalking, which I doubt because I haven't woken up covered in grass and mud at all since arriving here."

"Why? Where do you go when you sleepwalk?"

"According to Dad, I'm partial to fishing with my bare hands in the creek behind my house."

Now _all_ of them were giving me funny looks. "But you said your parents were…" Goku trailed off, then looked away and blushed.

"Don't feel bad. I'm the one who has to feel bad," I said gently. "I just usually call my foster parents Mom and Dad, and I have a foster older sister, too…they worry about me, but they're at least strong enough not to fear me. I don't think I'd be able to handle my family being afraid of me again."

Curiosity got the best of him, "Again?"

"My blood family was nigh on terrified of me. They were afraid of what I might do to myself or to them…and their fears were pretty well founded, apparently…" I frowned at my rice dumpling, then took a big bite and chewed thoughtfully before swallowing. "However, I'm happy now. And I have a family who is afraid _for_ me and not _of_ me, so I'm cool."

"Well, that's a thing to be thankful for, if any," murmured Hakkai, sounding a bit winded.

"Of course I'm thankful! I'm thankful for my foster parents' patience, and for you guys' coming along and saving my sorry ass, and for whoever the hell keeps washing my laundry."

"Laundry?" asked a voice in the hallway, making me jump about a foot out of my seat. A young woman in a nurse's uniform opened the door all the way and peered in carefully, seeing the bullet holes and pretending she hadn't. Brave lady. "Excuse me, but do any of you have laundry to be washed, or was that just me?"

I stared at her in mild suspicion—she was fairly pretty, with light brown hair in a tight ponytail, at about five inches taller than my midget self. However, I held no grudge, for she had washed my dirty clothing.

"Hey there, gorgeous," quipped Gojyo instinctively. His reaction forced me to speculate upon where his neurological activity was truly concentrated.

"Oh! Um, hello?" She blushed furiously and giggled, and I forced the bile to stay where it belonged—I would _not_ lose good food on something so retarded.

"So you're the one washing the clothes," I said, drawing her attention away from demonic James Bond. "Thanks so much. You're a lifesaver. I only have one outfit."

"Oh, it's no problem at all!" She smiled kindly—brownie points for that—"I heard that you were found stranded in the desert, and I thought you might need some of a woman's care, seeing as how you're traveling with a group of men."

"I could use a woman's care," Gojyo attempted again, but was drowned out by myself.

"These guys? They're not so bad, and Hakkai's more helpful than any of them when it comes to getting the vital little things done. I'll survive." I gave her a confident, empowered smile, and she laughed.

"Well, that is very good to know. If you need me, I'm usually out back in the medicinal garden."

"Thanks!"

And then she left, and I turned an evil eye on Gojyo, who was looking daggers at me.

"There," I said evenly. "You know where she hangs around. Now, if you want to continue embarrassing yourself, you may do it in private." Closing the issue, I picked up my dumpling and finished it off.

"Wait a minute, did you just _help_ him?" demanded Sanzo, very suddenly. He was frowning over his paper at me as though I had just declared my claim to the English throne.

"He was going to do it anyway," I muttered as I rinsed off my plate. "May as well wash ourselves of the issue now and let him follow his carnal instincts where I can't see him and feel nauseated."

"You _are_ insane."

"Yes, we've established that, repeatedly. No need to rub it in." After chugging the rest of my mocha latte, I stood and placed my dishes in the sink. "So when are we leaving for our little shopping trip?"

Monocle smiled amiably, "As soon as I've finished my coffee."

"Okay, I'll go grab my bag while I wait."

* * *

I found my brown leather drawstring pouch sitting on the nightstand in my hospital room and made sure that everything was in order, and then I hurried to Goku's room to retrieve my sword—I refused to go out sans weaponry—only to find Dr. Jin sitting on the rumpled bed and talking to his stuffed rabbit.

"And how are you today, Lydia?" he asked in a high voice, as though the rabbit were the one talking.

"Tired and semi-cranky, but otherwise fine and dandy," I replied warily. Did he even know about the incident last night?

"Hmm…so there were no problems with the pills?"

_I don't like this at all_, commented my brain. _Act as though nothing happened. He won't want to keep you around if he thinks everything is okay_.

Good idea. "They took the pain away just fine." Technically, it wasn't a lie.

His eyes narrowed a pinch, and he dropped the rabbit into his lap. "Oh? Well that's wonderful news, isn't it? I'm happy that you're feeling better. And while we're on the subject, how, if I may inquire, were you able to survive in the desert for so long, hmm? You must have been very far if they drove five hours to get you here, especially since this city is the closest oasis from where you were. There are others further West, not too far, but East is just barren wasteland. Now how can it be that you survived without so much as sunburn?"

I didn't like this interrogation, but I knew a lie would be the wrong way to go with someone this crafty, so I told him the truth as I knew it: "I'm not sure. One second I was in school, and the next I was in the desert. It was sheer luck that those guys happened to spot me, or I _would_ have died."

That didn't receive the sort of reaction I had expected. He simply smiled more widely, then stood up with an eerie chuckle. "I see…my friend wants to come home now, if you don't mind."

"Oh…well, good bye, bunny. It's been a pleasure." I shook the rabbit's nub of a paw and smiled at the doctor. "Thank you for letting him keep me company." And before he could make a reply, I excused myself and left for the kitchen.

It was difficult, but I forced myself not to read too much into the doctor's behavior. Smart people tended to be creepy, anyway. Hell, my grades were _stellar _despite the mental issues. In short, I did what I usually did in these situations and pretended as though nothing weird was going on. Illusions and delusions were my best friends. They kept me sane when nothing else did.

* * *

"Lydia, are you ready?" Hakkai asked when I returned to the kitchen with my things.

"Yep. Just someone tell me how to turn these straps into a spine sheath." I held up the sword in expectation. "Well?"

"No." Sanzo clearly thought the idea was preposterous. "Are you crazy _and_ stupid? Why the hell would we want you out in public with weapons?"

"Hmph! Fine, then I'll improvise later, and wear it in my hip for now, in plain view of all the helpless humans. I only want the spine sheath so that they won't get scared, just in case something bad goes down. Better paranoid than dead, I always say."

He frowned, glared, and turned away in irritation, immersing himself in his paper as though it were the only sanity left in the world. Granted, it probably was, but still…he sure had a thing for the morning paper. "Do what you want."

"I thought as much."

Five minutes of trial and error in the bathroom, and I managed to get it to work, with straps around my shoulders and one around my waist. It was snug against my back, and the handle hid neatly under my long hair.

"Ready now?" Hakkai was waiting with Hakuryu on his shoulder, as patient as Buddha himself—and probably better monk material than Sanzo…aside from that whole incest thing. Yeah…

"Sorry to keep you waiting. Let's go; I'm armed and dangerous!" I laughed, unable to help myself when they all avoided looking at me.

"Sweet Merciful Goddess," Gojyo whispered to the ceiling, "save us from this madwoman."

"Oh, save it, kappa. She's not _that_ merciful if she hasn't already stepped in."

"Ah-ha-ha-ha! This is going to be _very_ interesting," laughed Hakkai as he led me out with Hakuryu.

"Good luck!" sweetly bade the pervert. Oh, that beating-with-own-severed-limbs idea was beginning to look mighty attractive all over again.

"Jerk," I muttered to myself.

_Just ignore him. He's only playing around. _Methinks the brain is developing a soft spot?

I knew, though. I was fully aware…and in all honesty, it was kind of nice to have that friendly, teasing banter. It was a welcome break from the psychologist, that was for sure.


	10. Sorcerers: Nothing but Trouble

**The Irony Gods: Chapter 10 (Tangent #1.1)

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_(Author's Note) **READ AND REVIEW, BY CRACKEY! **and I'll love you forever!_

_I couldn't help myself. There was just too much serious crap, and I had nothing useful for everyone to do until they left in the morning, so here I bestow upon thee the sheer nonsensical beauty of Chapter 10. It's been a long time coming that I write something to bring Sanzo and Orphen into the same scene—their voices are both done by Matranga…that fact alone makes possibilities endless! Inform me of inconsistencies that MATTER. However, keep in mind that I've only slept 4 hours and already had too much coffee. Now, I introduce to you: Orphen, the sorcerer formerly known as Krylancelo; Cleao, the tagalong; Leki, Cleao's pet; and Majic, Orphen's apprentice. Sorry if this is a bit longer than the rest of the chapters, and there will be a part 2!_

_Disclaiming Bit: I do not own any of the Orphen characters. None of the abovementioned characters are my property, as I merely use them for entertainment purposes and not to make money. In fact, none of the characters in this story so far are mine, save for Lydia and Niveus. That's just how it is, so nyah! _(XP)

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_**Sorcerers: Nothing but Trouble**_

**_(Elsewhere in the City of Aoki)_**

"_Oh my God, Orphen, look at this hotel! They have hot springs!" squealed the ditzy, vociferous, and violent blonde carrying a tiny purplish-blue wolf-thing with deep green eyes. Naturally, this was the extent of what she was willing to carry, preferring to leave heavy work to the boys whom she _believed_ were there to serve her._

"_One more word out of you and I'm shoving you in the nearest ditch!" snapped the arrogant, spiky-haired brunette with the leather vest, boots, and dragon pendant. He dropped the bags, retied the red band which had been slipping down the sweat on his forehead, and picked them up again. "For the last time, we are _not_ stopping here, Cleao! We're just passing through! If you think for even one second that I am wasting a single penny more on your vain, conceited, _annoying_ ass, you've got another thing coming!" _

"_Master, I'm tired," sighed the short-haired blonde boy lugging two heavy packs up the hilly street. He was older than he looked, and everyone thought he made an adorable little girl—which both disturbed and pleased him…secretly. "For once Cleao's got my vote. I need a break."_

"_Ha! So Majic's on my side!" cried Cleao, seeing an end in sight. "You can't argue with your own apprentice, Krankyassello!"_

"_Yes, I can, and call me that again and I'll get a fancy hotel and make _you_ sleep in the _kitchen!_"_

"_**What? How dare you treat me this way!**" She held her wolf-puppy thing up Lion King-style, "Leki!"_

"_Rrrowrr!" The tiny animal's eyes glowed brilliant green, as did the air surrounding Orphen, and in a violent blast of sound and light and pavement, his immediate location exploded into nothingness, leaving him standing in a three-foot-deep crater, with a diameter of approximately twelve._

_He was burned, densely covered in dark brown dirt, and just generally in a whole new dimension of pissed off, which only he (and possibly one other, whom he had never met) seemed to be capable of entering._

"_Dammit, Cleao! You could have killed me!" he growled, stomping over to her (still carrying her bags) and roughly tossing her belongings at her feet. "Carry your own damn luggage!" And at that he stormed off muttering to himself, with an actual storm cloud rumbling over his head._

"_Master!" Majic called after the receding figure. "Don't leave me with…"—He broke off at the nasty gleam in Cleao's eye—"…the bill!" he picked up in a stroke of inspiration._

"_Don't worry about the stupid, uptight sorcerer," huffed Cleao, dragging her soiled luggage up the steps of the most expensive hotel she was capable of locating. "He'll pay if he has to peel every damn potato in this city!"_

_As afraid as Majic was of his Master's wrath, he was more afraid of Cleao's, and made the smart decision to just go along with everything the demanding, spoiled girl said. "Help me, Master," he whimpered to himself at the thought of being trapped alone with her, terrified tears running down his face like twin waterfalls.

* * *

_

**(Lydia's Location, at Approximately the Same Time.)**

"Lydia, would you be so kind as to hold these while I find the right curry spices?" Hakkai requested politely.

I took hold of the three big bags full of food and cigarettes and beer without complaint. Hakkai was almost ridiculously kind, and this made me want to be polite as well…a curse upon my empathetic ways! This was probably why I was always so giddy around Goku, pissy around Sanzo, and irritating around Gojyo, but that was all the speculation I wanted to put into it. Any more and my head would hurt.

"Kyuu!" Hakuryu fluttered above like a chaperone keeping track of all his charges.

And then I heard a loud explosion no more than a hundred yards north of our location, and squinted against a blinding flash of emerald light and a shock wave which shook the little dragon out of the air.

"Whoa!" I shouted, running and catching him before he hit the ground. "You okay, little guy?"

"Kyuuuuu!" was his nervous squeak. He flapped his wings to steady himself on my hand, and took off once more into the air to look around.

"Shit…What _was_ that?" Hakkai murmured in unpleasant surprise.

"I dunno…" I set down the bags beside Hakkai's feet. "I want to go take a look. I'll be back before you know it. I promise not to leave you hanging."

"Please hurry," he replied with a smile. "Hakuryu, keep an eye on her, won't you?"

"Kyuu!" The little white dragon flew close behind me as I ran off through the startled crowd, some of whom recognized me from the day before and scattered like terrified pigeons—I used it to my advantage (insert evil laughter here).

I crested the top of the hill and—_wham_!

"Oww! Watch it!" I shouted, hunching my shoulders and rubbing my forehead in pain, "Sonuvamonkey, that hurt like hell, dude!"

"Why don't _you _watch it, missy!" a familiar voice retorted in classic pissyness. "First the explosion and now _this_? This day just sucks! It simply _sucks_!"

Once the pain in my head died down enough for me to think—I was going to have to start wearing a helmet, what with all the head-banging—I prepared to demand an apology from ol' Monk Man, and then stopped…for a very good reason, of course.

I looked up to see a red headband behind dark spiky hair, copper-colored eyes and a dragon pendant.

"Or-Orphen?" I murmured in utter shock.

He frowned through the grime encrusting his face and arms and pretty much every other part of him. "Uh, yeah, do I…know you?"

"No, but I know you. You're filthy! What the hell happened? It was Cleao, wasn't it? She set Leki on you, didn't she? You're such a pansy, sometimes. And what the hell are you doing in China?"

"Whoa! Slow down!" He raised his hands inoffensively as I grabbed his arm and dragged him back to where Hakkai was waiting for me.

"Sorry, but no time to chat. I promised Hakkai that I wouldn't be gone long. Hakuryu, lead the way!"

Disregarding every effort the poor sorcerer made to escape my clutches, I shoved back through the crowds—once again scaring off those who recognized me—and reached Hakkai in record time.

"Hey…Hakkai!" I panted, exhausted from dragging the objecting Orphen. "I have someone I want you to meet…tell me what you think…and who does he vaguely remind you of?"

"I don't know what the hell is going on!" Orphen shouted, sounding more than a little hysterical.

Hakkai stared at him in open surprise. "It can't be…"

"What!" About fifteen stylized veins popped out all over Orphen's head, and I poked at them in fascination. Slowly, his bright coppery brown eyes—made even more visible by the soot all over his face—swiveled around and glared at me. "Why are you touching me?"

"They're like zits, almost," I murmured. "And they appear at will. I haven't done that yet."

"What's _wrong _with this girl?" Orphen demanded of Hakkai. "She drags me up here to insult my _face_?"

"Ah-ha-ha…Lydia, please stop poking at him."

I stopped. "My bad. I was just kind of excited, this being the mighty Orphen and all. I mean, this guy's one of my _heroes_! Yo, Orphen, this is Hakkai, and I wasn't kidding when I told you that you were filthy. Dude, you should come up to the hospital inn place and get cleaned up! Then you can go back and make Cleao eat some of that wicked stew she _thinks_ she can make."

One by one, the little veins popped out of existence. "Would food happen to be included in this offer?"

An odd look came into Hakkai's expression. "Food? Well, I don't suppose that's much to ask, especially if your companion is treating you so poorly."

"Count me in." The dirty sorcerer clapped a hand on my shoulder. "Lead the way…say, what's your name, anyway?"

"Lydia. I'm certifiably insane, so don't go thinking you can piss me off."

He looked at Hakkai with a sweat drop clinging to his temple, "Is she for real?"

"Oh, believe me. She's not your average teen. Her warnings are well-founded," he laughed lightly. Twisted.

"I see…sorry for intruding, by the way...it's not every day I get assaulted by a rabid fan." He grinned and chuckled. "I wish Majic could see me now. At last, _someone_ who sees my greatness."

"You're such a conceited bastard," I sighed fondly, grabbing his arm and giving him a big teddy-bear hug. "Holy midget monkeys, it's really, really Orphen!"

"Augh, get her off!"

A steady hand on my shoulder made me give pause long enough to let the poor sorcerer escape. "Lydia, I've found everything we need, so we should probably head back to Sanzo and the others."

"Okay." I shrugged and turned back to Orphen. "Follow us, Krylancelo," I said on a spooky voice as I picked up half of Hakkai's bags. "I know someone you'd be really interested in meeting."

"Why do I get the feeling that I should be afraid?" he asked Hakkai, obviously searching for a kindred spirit in the madness.

"Probably because you should be," I replied before Hakkai could. "You're about to meet one _really _scary monk." I laughed at the look he gave me, as though I'd informed him of my plan to overthrow every world power and put in a totalitarian regime of warmongering macaques. "You _keep_ looking at me like that. You won't be when you meet Sanzo."

"Uh, right. Whatever. As long as I can escape that insane woman with the exploding pup."

"Yeah, she bugs me too, but you have to admit that she can kick quite a substantial amount of ass. She's just far too self-serving. Poor Majic, locked up in there with her."

"His fault for abandoning his generous Master," he sighed. "What a sad, sad situation. We shouldn't even have come. This is the first time I've ever been here—thanks to that spoiled brat Cleao." He affected a high, girly, whiny tone: "Orphen, we're going to Aoki whether you like it or not. I have to go shopping for new outfits! I have to get my hair done! Hot springs! Hot springs! Orphen this and Orphen that!"—he reverted back to his usual, bitingly sarcastic tone—"Since when has there been a label on my forehead telling everyone that I'm some sort of pack-animal-slash-sugar-daddy?" (…this went on for a bit…)

"Sorry if he talks really fast. He tends to ramble," I explained in a whisper to Hakkai.

"I can see that. He…he sounds like…"

"I know," I chuckled mischievously. "This is going to make my _life_!" Every wildest dream I ever had was about to come true! I could barely breathe!

Captain Crankypants versus Krankyassello. I was so _happy_!

* * *

"Hey, this place is actually kind of nice," Orphen commented upon reaching our destination. "I've never seen a hospital built into a mountain like this before." 

"They did it for the…well, the hot springs," Hakkai explained.

A crafty look came across the sorcerer's face. "_**Really**, now?_ And I don't suppose these hot springs are rated as some of the best in the world, are they?"

"They are."

"Well, _well_, **_well_**… Oh, this is going to be beautiful! I'll make that little brat _pay_ for all the torture she's put me through! And if I'm lucky she'll leave for good and never cook again!" His eyes glittered with schemes of vengeance and forthcoming pain.

The front entrance to the hospital opened and Goku stepped out curiously, wearing a shirt and loose jeans that made him look like a normal teenager…aside from the diadem—that thing sort of gave away his demonic disposition. "Lydia? Hakkai? Did I just hear Sanzo? I thought he was talking to the nurse about the bill?"

"He just got back, chimp," Gojyo said, appearing behind the little heretic in a light button shirt and jeans. He had his hair up in a ponytail, like before. "Our high and mighty Lord of the Bald is in his room, supposedly meditating—(I say he's reading dirty magazines)."

"Nasty kappa!" Goku gasped in disgust, kicking Gojyo hard in the shins. "Dumb-ass pervy water sprite, don't you dare talk about Sanzo like that!"

"Wait, before you two start squabbling again, I want you to meet someone!" I shouted over their argument.

They paused and looked at me. "Who?" they asked simultaneously.

I pushed Orphen forward, out of the bushes into which he had been attempting to escape, and into their line of sight. "Say hello, Orphen. If I'm going to assist you in your little payback scheme, then you're going to have to be a bit less antisocial than you normally are."

"Who the hell are you calling antisocial?" he demanded. "I'm not the one kidnapping accident victims and smashing through crowds of tourists like a madwoman! I'm damn friendly compared to you!"

The monkey and kappa stared at him with identical expressions of fear-slash-shock.

"No way!" Gojyo managed first. He shouted loudly over his shoulder, "Sanzo! Get your happy ass out here! You've gotta see this!"

The sounds of things being slammed around could be heard even from outside, and as the monk approached the door his angry voice grew louder:

"…better be a damn good reason for interrupting my meditations! It's Lydia isn't it! She killed a tourist, didn't she! Shit…Where the hell are my cigarettes, Hakkai!" He stepped into view, wearing his robe around his waist in leather comfort-mode, giving Gojyo a good smack with the paper fan from force of habit. "What's the goddamn problem!" His crystalline amethyst eyes settled on me. "No blood, huh? I guess you didn't kill anyone after all."

"Oh, great to see that you trust me so much, Monk-Man," I muttered, mildly put-out. "Orphen, this is Genjyo Sanzo, the thirty-first of China. Sanzo, this is Orphen, formerly known as Krylancelo, and runaway from the Tower of Fang. Sanzo is a heretic Buddhist monk who drinks, smokes, gambles, and kills. Orphen is the world's greatest sorcerer—though he's too busy being a miserly pig to really demonstrate his full potential."

"Was that supposed to be a compliment?" Orphen asked me with a completely bewildered frown. "It sounded a hell of a lot like an insult, if you ask me."

"I agree," added the monk. "Why the hell was I dragged out of my room to be insulted?"

And then time itself froze as the two of them realized and looked at each other.

"What the…hell?" murmured the sorcerer.

"This is bullshit!" commented the monk.

"Bastard! That's _my_ voice!" they both shouted at once.

"No, it's not!" they both responded, taken aback.

Sanzo whipped out the gun and sighted it on the sorcerer, just as Orphen stuck his right palm out toward the monk, with the left arm bent and clasping the right—his usual spell casting stance. A sphere of bright white light was forming in his hand.

Gojyo and Goku leapt to the side, away from the potential battle between two people whom they feared were far too similar for comfort.

"Don't worry," I whispered to the three of them. "Orphen is cocky, but he's not a total idiot. He's fairly reasonable—just really short-tempered. He'll back down once he realizes that there's no threat."

"…Unless Sanzo loses it and shoots first, right?" the kappa pressed, keeping a hand on Goku's shoulder just in case the monkey tried to intervene.

"Err…actually, I hadn't considered that," I said thoughtfully.

_**"What? No!"**_

Too late: Sanzo aimed and shot, but was deflected by Orphen's energy shields, and instantly the sorcerer retaliated with a blast of white-hot concentrated energy.

"Shit!" Sanzo dodged the blow far more quickly than any human I knew was capable of, and shielded himself behind a wide wooden column while the explosion took out most of the windows on the first floor. When the shockwave settled, he whipped around and shot four more rounds as he ran across Orphen's line of sight, muttering something to himself. I didn't figure out what he was saying until I heard that last bit:

"MAKAI TENJYO!"

"Oh, crap!" I yelped as the scripture unraveled itself and bound Orphen completely, leaving him growling on his knees in a mud puddle…well, at least he had been dirty to begin with.

Sanzo was _royally pissed. _"Let's get a few things straight here," Sanzo ranted, addressing all of us, including the disgruntled sorcerer. "Firstly, I am not such a pansy as to allow this _bastard_ to ice me. You should already know better than that. Secondly, who the hell decided it was a particularly intelligent idea to bring this guy here in the first place? And _lastly_, why the _fuck _is he using _my _voice, goddamn it!"

"It's _my_ voice!" shouted Orphen, not at all happy about being bound by holy scriptures. "And I didn't ask to be here! I was offered food and a bath, dammit!"

Sanzo turned a cold eye to me, with the vein doing its creepy little twitch on his cheek, "_**You** did this_, correct?"

"I thought it would be funny," I replied meekly, feeling the heat before it burned. "I'm sorry! I didn't actually think you guys would try to kill each other over something so trivial!"

Another vein popped out on his cheek and twitched. "And who were you expecting to pay for his room and board?" he demanded through gritted teeth.

"What? As if you're the one who's actually paying for everything," I muttered, a bit defensively this time.

"Hey, yeah, Sanzo," Goku said, taking my side, thank the gods! "The Sanbutsushin spot for everythin', right? It's not like we're payin' for all this crap."

"Your point, monkey?" The twitch had traveled to his eye as well now. He was gonna break! Go Goku!

Hakkai interrupted politely, "Well, we found him in a bit of a banged-up state, and Lydia thought that since she knew who he was, she would see what you could do to accommodate her friend."

"She's not my friend, dammit!" argued Krankyassello.

"Shut up, man!" Gojyo hissed toward where Orphen was bound. "She's trying to get you some free shit! The least you could do is keep quiet!"

His eyebrow gave a frustrated twitch, but he stopped talking anyway. The thought of free food and sleeping arrangements was far more attractive than the thought of dealing with more of Cleao's mooching.

Sanzo saw this little exchange, growled something unintelligible to himself, and the scripture whipped away, rolling back up neatly into his hand. He tucked it into his folded robes. "Do what you want. Just don't piss me off." He went back in and shut the door, despite the broken windows. I could see the nurse get quickly out of his way as she came to investigate the ruckus.

"Is everything all right?" she asked, obviously afraid, but brave enough to do her job.

"Yeah," I sighed, worn out from the simple ordeal of just getting the man here. "This is Orphen. He needs to be washed up and checked for injuries, and possibly given a room for the night, if that's at all possible?"

"Of course!" Immediately, she rushed out and ushered him in, fussing over his burns and grimy appearance. "We need to get you cleaned up right away!"

We stared after them until they were far beyond earshot, then Goku, Hakkai, and Gojyo turned to me.

"What?"

"Why does he sound exactly like Sanzo?" Goku asked softly, possibly the most shaken by the debacle. "It's…not right. I don't like him talkin' like Sanzo."

Crap, the monkey was worried. "Don't get too worked up over it, Goku," I sighed. "In all honesty, Orphen's far nicer than Sanzo is—no offense. The guy's not cold like how Sanzo can be sometimes, and I know his will's not nearly as strong. Sanzo isn't a lazy ass about everything, either, whereas Orphen is a conniving, cheap, bottomless pit of a stomach as often as he can be. Money, food, and pride are what drive him."

"No one eats as much as the monkey!" Gojyo gasped, as though disturbed beyond all sanity.

I shook my head and grinned. "Nah, no one eats like the monkey." I ruffled Goku's hair, once again thankful that he was my height, not towering like the rest of them. "And no one kicks ass like Sanzo. No one is as reasonable as Hakkai. And despite how he claims to be a ladies man, Orphen isn't half the ladies man Gojyo is.

"I freely admit to all of this…however, the guy's hilarious when he's mad, and he suffers so much with that chick Cleao that I can't help but want to give him a break. Besides, you have to admit that it was kind of funny to see him and Sanzo react to each other. I could hear the world order collapse in on itself at that moment."

"So…this is just like an experiment?" inquired little Sage. "He's just stayin' long enough for us to see what Sanzo does, an' to help him get back at some girl who's been treatin' him bad?"

"Basically. Besides, we're leaving tomorrow at the crack of dawn, and there's still plenty of time left today. So whaddaya say?" I gave them each a questioning look.

"I think I'd rather let you have all the fun this time around," Hakkai laughed gently. "I've got dinner to cook and I'd like to apologize to that nurse for the damage to the hospital—Sanzo won't do it, and someone should."

"Okay, then," I agreed. He was far too reasonable. And sensible. These were qualities in which I sadly lacked, and I briefly contemplated this fact as he headed indoors with half the shopping. "And you two?"

"Oh, I'm in," Goku chuckled. "This'll totally be worth it, s'long as it's not permanent, 'kay? It creeps me out to hear _his_ voice in someone else's body…though Sanzo's is a lot deeper…and angrier…but for one day, I'm okay with it. And…it _was _kinda funny to see Sanzo's face when he realized that they sounded the same."

"Gojyo?"

"What do I look like, a pansy? Hell yeah, I'm in! I wanna see that holy prick squirm!" He grinned and clenched his fists with a glint in his eye. "At last, a little revenge for his _servants_!"

"Well, then," I said with a note of finality, picking up the rest of the shopping bags and carrying them in. "Let the games begin!"


	11. Revenge: A Dish Best Served Expensive

**The Irony Gods: Chapter 11 (Tangent #1.2)

* * *

**

_(Author's Note) **READ AND REVIEW, BY CRACKEY!**_

_Here's the rest of the first Tangent. It's a bit lengthy, so if you get tired, stop at one of the conveniently marked break points and have a rest, or get a drink, or eat some ice cream, if thou art so inclined...then return with haste to the story, for I require readers to survive! To those obsessed with Saiyuki, you'll get a kick out of the character interactions—to those familiar with Orphen _**and**_ Saiyuki, this is just to make you smile…and for those of you who are reading this and are only familiar with Orphen…um, why are you in the Saiyuki section, pray tell? Just, y'know, out of sheer curiosity?

* * *

_

_**Revenge: A Dish Best Served Expensive**_

**_(Elsewhere in the City of Aoki…again)_**

"_Cleao, why don't we just go find Master and apologize?" Majic begged, struggling to balance roughly a hundred and fifty pounds of shopping bags on two hands, two arms, and his head. "I'm sure if you say you're sorry for blowing him up, he'll come back and pay for all your charges."_

"_I don't think so!" Cleao snapped. She turned away from the sequined ball gown she had been ogling for the past twenty minutes—so expensive, but so perfect for her skin tone and hair! "If that ungrateful bastard thinks for even one second that I'm going to take any more of his crap, I'll set Leki on him again! No one treats me like trash and gets away with it. He'll have to apologize first for insulting my cooking!"_

"_Well, he does have a point," grumbled Majic to himself. "Last time you fried an egg, we all nearly died of food poisoning."_

"_What was that…Majic?" She had her face an inch away from his so suddenly that he screamed like a little girl and scrambled for shelter behind a fountain._

"_I d-didn't say a-anything!" he stammered. "Please don't kill me…"_

"_Get up, Majic. It's three o'clock, and that means the hot springs and massages are open at the hotel! We'll get the dress later." Without waiting for him to get himself up, she yanked his arm and dragged him away, still managing to carefully balance the boxes and bags like a good little slave.

* * *

_

**(At the Hospital-Turned-Inn.)**

"Sooooo…does he do this all the time?" Gojyo questioned, watching the lazy sorcerer sleep on a waiting room sofa, snoring quite loudly. "Damn, he's almost as bad as the monkey." He sheltered the end of his cigarette as he lit it, and then flipped the lighter closed again.

"He likes to sleep. At least he's clean now, but his clothes will take some time to dry, so now is when we should get plotting," I said thoughtfully.

Orphen was snoozing on the sofa while Goku, Gojyo, and I sat on the opposite sofa, drinking some green tea the nurse had been kind enough to set out on the low table between the two couches. Orphen had gotten clean, obtained an overnight room, and eaten about half of Goku's overall capacity for food out of the hospital cafeteria. Now was naptime…at least, until I decided he'd had enough. I'd seen plenty about him to know what would get him up.

"Orphen, look! I found some change on the ground!" I cried in mock excitement.

"Where is it!" As though driven by unseen forces far more powerful than anything we mere mortals were capable of comprehending, he woke instantaneously, threw himself to the floor, and scrambled around in search of the free money. What a predictable little dingbat.

"Almost like waking the monkey with the smell of bacon," murmured the kappa, still weirded out.

"Shut up," Goku retaliated halfheartedly, too fascinated to put much effort into it. "He may sound like Sanzo—almost—but he acts way different. Scary."

"I know, right? It's so creepy!" I giggled and poked the awkwardly dressed sorcerer with my foot—since his were in the wash, he had borrowed some of Hakkai's old clothes—and he paused briefly in his hunt.

"What! Where the hell's the money?" he demanded.

"Sorry, but we needed to wake you up," I replied. "If you want payback, it starts now. And I already have an idea that'll leave Cleao begging for you back."

"Begging? But I don't _want_ to go back! I just want to save Azale and go home! I'm so close…I just have to get to the three statues." He had that distant, nostalgic look in his eye he always got when thinking of Azale.

"I know, but Cleao has the sword, and like hell she's giving that up without a bitter fight to the death. The least we can do is make the rest of this journey seem less irritating by giving you a bit of revenge."

He sat on the sofa again, frowning at me, and said at length, "Okay, I'm open to suggestions, but first you have to explain to me how the hell you know who I am, what I'm doing here, and why I'm so anxious to get away from that crazy girl. You know a little too much for me to just go ahead and trust you."

I grinned, attempted to stifle my giggling, and failed miserably. Oh, the freakishness of it all! "Well, Orphen, you could say that I've been watching you for a good length of time now, though I have nothing personally to do with Azale and her…condition. Neither do I have any special powers—that I know of. I'm just ridiculously well-informed. The Sanzo party could have told you _that_."

He gave them a questioning look, and both of my new friends shrugged. "She's not lying. She's crazy in every sense of the word, but she's not lying," admitted Gojyo.

"Damn. All right then. What's your brilliant plan?"

* * *

"I won't do it!" Sanzo practically screamed. Apparently he'd had a bit of a scolding from Hakkai for shooting at Orphen first—which had resulted in the destruction of nearly every window in the first floor—and had already been looking for someone to take his frustrations out on. Goku and I served the purpose well enough. 

"Please, oh please!" I begged, actually getting down on my knees with my hands clasped in front of me—an excellent imitation if Stimpy in groveling mode, if I may say so myself. "If you humor me this one time I'll do anything you want, including shut up, or clean, or cook, or gather firewood, or just generally be your personal slave! Please, Sanzo?"

"_Another _pain in my ass… Are you insane!" He then frowned, closed his eyes, and apparently fought off a minor fit of rage, "_DON'T ANSWER THAT."_

"C'mon, Sanzo," Goku assisted me. "Quit bein' such a hard-ass, and come out with us! I heard the restaurant serves every kinda meat bun in the world!" He got a hold of Sanzo's robes and knelt beside me, tugging insistently and putting on the puppy eyes full force (i.e., _Hurricane Andrew_ would have turned right on around at their command). They were so powerful and helplessly adorable that it took every ounce of will and determination in my body _not_ to give him a massive hug and coddle him like an actual puppy…what?

Sanzo was quite the force of nature to be capable of withstanding Goku's expression for as long as he did, but in the end he gave in with a growl and beat us both within an inch of our lives with the paper fan of Indiscriminate Cataclysm. Once finished he stormed off to change out of his robe—he refused to chant sutras for anybody in this town while he was in such a bad mood, and the thing needed a wash anyway. "Everybody had better be ready to go the moment I get out, or _nobody_ is leaving this place until morning!"

"Wow, it worked," I murmured, somewhat surprised that it had. "I honestly expected more of a fight than that."

Goku just laughed and stood. "Nah. I can tell he's tired of being cooped up in here, so it wasn't that hard." He grinned and offered a hand to help me up. "Let's go get Gojyo, Hakkai, an' that Orphen guy ready."

I chuckled and took his hand, standing and dusting off my jeans, "You really are something else, monkey-boy."

* * *

Phase One: disable Leki. It was easier than one may have thought. While the others took seats in the hotel restaurant (ridiculously expensive, might I add), I excused myself to "use the restroom" and snuck off to find Cleao, Majic, and the pup. 

Piece o' cake.

"Hey, Leki!" I called the little wolf cub as he waited outside his owner's room. I had spotted Cleao leaving the springs out back and he had accidentally gotten left out. A slice of bacon and some powerful _sake _later, and he was tuckered out and asleep on the carpet—Cleao wouldn't dare drag him down to the restaurant in his state.

I returned to my seat in the restaurant wearing a pleased grin. "The pup has been immobilized."

"That was quick," Orphen somehow commented past the lobster he was devouring—so they _did_ ship seafood way out here. "Didn't he try to fight you?"

I stared at the sorcerer, then at Goku, then at Gojyo. The kappa gave me a worried look, clearly realizing the same thing as I was—the sorcerer and the monkey combined were going to eat all the food and leave us hungry.

"Well, actually, he wanted to play," I murmured, unavoidably distracted by the twin vacuum cleaners. "And he loves _sake_, as it turns out. If his species can have hangovers, his will occupy a circle of hell."

"Are you sure it was wise to give him alcohol?" Hakkai asked out of concern for the animal. Hakuryu was sitting on his shoulder, giving me an identical look of uncertainty.

"Yeah, that pup is one tough cookie. He'll make it without permanent or severe discomfort." I reached for one of the lobsters on the tray with my chopsticks and set it on my plate, prying it apart and taking a bite. "Whoop, that's really good lobster," I murmured.

"Yeah, it would be **_really_** great if the chimp would _stop eating mine off my plate_!" snapped Gojyo, smacking Goku on the head with his fist. "Keep your hands to your plate!"

"Oww! Watch it, dumb water sprite!" The monkey rubbed his head with the back of his hand with a reproachful glare and growled at Gojyo. "You weren't eating, an' I didn't want th' food to get cold!"

I chuckled and took another bite of lobster, still scanning for Cleao's and Majic's inevitable entrance and the beginning of Phase Two: kidnap Majic—which led directly to Final Phase: Cleao gets the cold shoulder. There was only one seat left at our table, between Orphen and Goku, and that was reserved for the young apprentice sorcerer. Of course, I had the feeling that there wouldn't be much food left once the poor kid was trapped between the vacuum cleaners.

Sanzo apparently agreed. "Goku, do you even realize that you're eating the kid's food or are you too stupid?"

"Huh? Whaddaya mean, Sanzo?" He had a grin on his face that clearly said his mind was still on the food, even as he addressed the temperamental monk.

"I mean _look_ at the plate to your right. You ate all the goddamn food!"

"Oh…can I have that if you're not gonna eat it?" His chopsticks wandered toward the beef on Sanzo's plate, and the fan immediately bashed his head down into a plate of shrimp cocktail.

"Touch my food, and I'll kill you," Sanzo threatened, somehow putting the fan away, even though he wasn't wearing the robe…now I was _convinced_ that he had magical powers. How the hell else did he hide the huge paper fan somewhere amongst the faded blue jeans and black silk dress shirt? The shirt wasn't tucked in…so maybe he had a spine sheath for the fan, like the one I had for my sword! It made perfect sense…

"Owww…" groaned the gluttonous monkey. I envied his metabolism.

I ate some more of my seafood and tried the house soup, seeing that there was some weird meat in it—too tough to be squid…so octopus, maybe?—and frowned when I noticed that Sanzo was using his left hand to eat.

"Whoa, you're left-handed too?" I asked in surprise.

He gave me an _almost_ amused look. "I eat with my left to keep my gun hand free."

"Oh…I can do everything but throw with my left…and I'm ambidextrous with weapons—which is a lifesaver." I ate another thoughtful bite, then looked around once more—and spotted the targets at seven o'clock. "Ha! Found them! Orphen, snatch up Majic while you can!" They were being shown to a table by the host.

Well, Orphen proved more capable than Goku in one thing, at least—he could stop eating at will and go to a necessary task without complaint. He simply wiped himself off, stood, and marched over to his apprentice.

"What's gonna happen?" Goku asked, still stuffing his face with other peoples' food.

"Cleao's probably going to put up a fight, if she even notices," I replied.

"Hey, she's not too shabby-looking. That dress is kind of hot," complimented the water sprite.

This remark evoked the wrath of the Paper Fan o' Indiscriminate Cataclysm (I just love calling it that!) and he yelped once before falling into a resentful silence. "I don't even know why stupid people are allowed to talk," Sanzo muttered to himself, glaring at Goku and Gojyo both.

"Free will certainly is a funny thing," Hakkai laughed. "Well, it looks like he has Majic. I don't think that girl even notices that he's gone."

Rather, she didn't notice until Majic opened his big mouth just as they reached our table. Fortunately, she was too busy being swept off to her table to march back indignantly right away. There was time for introductions.

"Master, how could you leave me with her like that!" he demanded, tears streaming from his eyes in copious amounts. "She treated me like a slave! She's horrible! You're both such horrible people!"

"Majic, just shut up! I'm saving your ass, so the least you can do is sit down, shut up, and open your mouth _only _to put food in it, got that?" the sorcerer snapped back.

"Oh, so now you're going to treat me the way you treat Cleao, huh?" demanded the apprentice. "Maybe she's right about you! You're so selfish and mean! And you haven't taught me a single thing!"

Orphen shoved the pretty blonde boy into the empty seat and took his own again. "Majic, don't tell me you've learned nothing. You've learned plenty…you just don't have confidence." He shoved a (fresh) plate over to his apprentice. "Now eat. Our friends are footing the bill, and Cleao has to pay her own way. Call it payback."

Majic just looked confused, and then realized that he was sitting at a table with five more people other than his Master. "Who are they? They're not with the Tower of Fang, are they?" He seemed to be searching for the most approachable face, and settled on Hakkai (der yer der…), who was feeding Hakuryu a bit of the shrimp cocktail that Goku's face _hadn't_ been smashed into. "Excuse me, sir, but who are you?"

Hakkai looked up and smiled in his ever-pleasant way. "Oh, we're the Sanzo party—that's Goku, this is Gojyo, I'm Hakkai, and Sanzo here is our leader…ah, and this is Lydia—we sort of found her in the desert."

Majic looked at me really weirdly. "In the desert? What were you doing there?"

"Getting my ass kicked by our pal the Sun and a riff in the dimensional fabric of the universe—I don't get it, either." I smiled and shrugged. "I'm used to the insanity of life, so no big deal."

"I see…" Almost involuntarily, his eyes drifted towards Sanzo. "Hey, Mr. Sanzo, why are you letting my Master mooch off of you? Don't you know that he's a bum?"

"What!" Orphen pounded a fist on his head and suppressed the urge to do worse. "You ungrateful little…"

Sanzo watched this with one brow quirked up in something like curiosity, and replied, "I know. I tried to refuse, but I was badgered into it by a couple of animals—a feral cat and a wild monkey." He sipped the _sake_.

_Feral cat…_my brain murmured. _I like it._

I did too…though I wouldn't allow them to know—no need to get myself a label I hated.

Majic frowned, blinked, then blanched and stared back and forth between his Master and Sanzo. "Wha—?"

"If you say it, I'll kill you," both men said at once.

They glared at each other, knowing damn well that attempting murder in a fancy restaurant would not be a good idea. The corrupt monk and the renegade sorcerer—at last, the Irony Gods were smiling down upon me! Sanzo's glare had that degree of embittered apathy that it always seemed to hold, and Orphen's was an open, fiery anger. So different, yet freakishly well-matched! It felt like my birthday!

I struggled to contain the fits of laughter and tears which threatened my composure.

"Ah, Sanzo, could you please pass the salt?" Hakkai inquired in his friendly, mildly sadistic way—that smile was so creepy when he wanted it to be!

"Get it yourself!" snapped the monk, irritated at having the staring contest interrupted.

"It's right beside your hand and I can't reach it from here. Please hand it to me." Translation: I'll murder you while smiling if you don't stop acting up…and pass the damn salt, my friend.

The tension I hadn't even noticed melted away when Sanzo shot a mercilessly poisonous final glare at Orphen, then swiped up the salt and tossed it to Hakkai's open hand. "Goddamn it," he muttered under his breath.

"Thank you!" Hakkai said cheerfully.

Goku was watching Majic intently, I could see…and so could Majic. "Uh, what is it?" Majic asked nervously.

"Are you gonna…" his question faded when the faint but unmistakable click of a safety coming off. Sanzo pointed the gun at Goku while continuing to eat some of the house soup.

"If you ask him for his food, I will shoot you where you sit," the priest calmly informed the monkey.

Goku stopped talking, and Majic sweat-dropped like mad at the fact that the little heretic hadn't really objected to having a gun pointed at him. Poor kid, caught up in this madness…I _almost_ pitied him, but it was too funny.

And then, just when Majic had gathered the courage to eat his food, Cleao appeared beside his and Orphen's seats, wearing an expression of rage—as well as a gold and yellow Chinese-style evening gown of not-so-shoddy quality. Okay, so Gojyo hadn't been lying about the dress. It really brought out her eyes and hair color.

"Orphen! Where have you been!" demanded the overbearing and quite frankly ear-splittingly loud blonde girl. "You'd better have the money to pay for mine and Majic's rooms, or else! The hotel manager wants payment!"

Orphen gave her a bland, albeit cruel smile, "Oh, really? And I don't suppose you have any evidence that I'm responsible for your wild expenditures? Sorry, but I wash my hands of any and all purchases you have made—I'm only here because some new friends invited me to dinner."

_This_ was news to her. She grimaced angrily—she was pretty, but not while grimacing, and it made her seem a tad bit homicidal (and I should know what homicidal looks like). "As if you're capable of having friends!" she snapped, glaring around the table and finally settling her enraged gaze on me. "And who are _you_?" she demanded, giving me the customary once-over—a common ritual in feminine society, so I've been told.

I blinked, looked around at the other guests—some of whom clearly recognized me as the crazy chick with the sword from the other day—and replied mysteriously, "I'm the prophetess who knows every little detail about your adventure with Orphen and Majic. I don't believe you were invited, however. Good-bye, Cleao."

"Whaaaat! Orphen, are you just going to sit there and let her talk to me like that?" She sought help from vacuum number two, but to no avail.

"Yes. Yes, I am." He didn't even slow down to breathe as he inhaled the house soup.

"Well, then if it's a fight you want, it's a fight you're gonna get, missy! You messed with the wrong girl!" She turned to me and put up her fists, and I couldn't help but smile.

"If only my good friends of ill-repute could see this," I sighed wistfully. "Cleao, you don't want to fight me. I may be young, but I'm scrappy as hell, and I have way more experience than you. Plus, I've recently been informed that psychotic rage is a valid fighting technique, and it happens to be the only one I know."

"Oh, no you don't! I need that sorcerer to pay the bill! I am _not_ peeling any damn potatoes!"

"You should have thought about that before you went and picked the most expensive hotel in the city to stay in," I replied flatly, more than a little miffed that she was even bothering to defend herself. "Besides, Orphen doesn't technically have to pay for anything of yours. You're just here because you won't give up the sword."

"Miss, is there a problem?" the host inquired hesitantly, a sweat drop slowly sliding down his temple.

"Yeah, there's a problem," Cleao groused tightly, closing her eyes and gritting her teeth. Multiple veins pulsed on her forehead. "That man right there is supposed to be paying my bills in this hotel, but he's _here_ with _her_!"

The host glanced at me and I shrugged, "She's delusional. My friends and I invited him here for dinner, and then she descended upon us like a harpy out of Tartarus. Could you please take her away?"

"Of course, madam, anything for the Sanzo party." The host took Cleao's hand immediately. "Miss, I am afraid I must ask you not to heckle our highest-paying patrons," he muttered, motioning over a large bald man in a black suit with sunglasses. Huh, so the Mafia had a Shangri-La branch as well?

"What's the problem, boss?" the man asked in a deep voice.

"Please lead this young lady back to her seat. She has not given her order yet, and these fine people would like their peace." The host gave her a disapproving frown as she kicked and shouted injustice while the large man dragged her off into the distance (this was a big restaurant). "Is there anything else I can do for you all? I apologize for the disruption."

"Oh, we're quite fine," Hakkai responded kindly.

"More _sake_." Sanzo held up the empty decanter and the host frowned again, but took it anyway.

"Of course, sir." He hastened away to refill it.

Goku paused in the middle of almost literally inhaling an entire lobster tail. "You didn't drink all that already, didja, Sanzo? That was a lot."

"I need to be wasted if I'm going to refrain from murdering all of you in your sleep," grumbled Mr. Touchy-Touchy. "Now shut up and eat, you damn monkey. With all the money we're dumping on this joint, leave no leftovers…at least the _sake_ is good."

"It is, isn't it?" Hakkai pleasantly agreed.

* * *

"Master, I feel bad leaving Cleao like that," Majic pestered Orphen as we all strolled back up to the hospital inn. "She's been shopping like crazy since you left, and she's expecting you to pay." 

"Well isn't that just too bad?" Orphen replied in mock concern. "The poor spoiled rich girl needs a reality check—money does not grow on trees or in my pockets. _Some_ of us actually have to do things to pay our way."

"But what about the sword? We need it to save Azale, don't we?"

"Don't worry about a thing, Majic. I have a plan to get the sword and Cleao's cooperation—without draining my wallet at the same time," Orphen chuckled confidently and flashed me a wide grin, "And thanks for giving me that little victory. You must _really_ hate her."

I smiled. "Don't be an idiot—I did it for my own entertainment. Besides, I don't hate Cleao—I just felt she needed her comeuppance. I hate very few people—mainly because it takes a lot of energy to hate a person—whereas mild irritation and a short temper tantrum here and there not only keep one sane (sort of), but also leave possibilities for future entertainment. It's hard to befriend those whom you despise."

They did the stare-at-crazy-chick thing again, but I brushed it off easily—food was a wonder in and of itself.

"That actually makes sense," Majic commented, touching a fingertip to his cheek in thought. "Wow, what a great way to look at life! How did you come up with that?"

Gojyo gave me a faintly dubious stare, "Yeah, where did _that_ come from?"

"Umm…it's a bit complicated…and violent…and not something I wish to discuss at present—oh, look, a MOOSE!" I ran up ahead and paced myself with Goku and Sanzo at the lead.

I hoped Sanzo wouldn't have a hangover—he'd hit the _sake_ pretty hard…I'd never seen anyone drink that much alcohol in one go while I was there to see it.

He hadn't been kidding about getting hammered in order to tolerate our presence. Cleao's first attempt hadn't been her last, and I secretly thanked Sanzo in my head for having enough forethought to make himself virtually incapable of killing anybody for the evening—oh, he made plenty of threats, but not once did he fire the gun.

Plus, when Cleao sprang into her fifth attempt to drag Orphen into a battle over her check, he was too busy with his _sake_ to pay attention to her comments on how he and the sorcerer sounded so alike. He also—at least, to my knowledge—missed our group efforts to keep Orphen from vaporizing the hotel with a blast of power.

This was why we were leaving earlier than planned. Orphen had gotten us kicked out.

At least Sanzo had had enough sense left in him to bring out the gold card and charge the meal to the Three Aspects' account. Cleao had remained behind, penniless and held back from attacking Orphen for that reason alone. She wasn't allowed to leave the hotel until she paid them, ergo she could not exit the doors to dropkick the spiteful sorcerer into the fifth dimension.

Ah, what a night…but Majic's question had dampened my mood a bit…

"What do you want?" demanded the inebriated monk, swaying slightly.

"I'm running away from my troubles," I replied softly, half to myself. I was thinking too much. My brain was silent, but _I_ was thinking too much anyway, staring at my feet as they moved one in front of the other.

And then I was jarred rudely into the outer world by an impact on my head. _Meteors! _cried my brain without even thinking—wait, why wasn't my center of thought doing any thinking?

Oh, never mind.

"Oww!" I frowned up at Sanzo, who had pounded his fist fairly hard (but notably gently—for him, anyway) on my head. "What was _that_ for?" I couldn't recall saying anything particularly irritating. Had I been thinking aloud?

"That's so stupid," he muttered somewhat vacantly. "Stupid to run away from something that isn't even dangerous." He lifted his fist from my head and used his hand to brush the golden hair from his eyes and block out some of the harsh light of the nearby tourist attractions. Huh, he was gonna have a hangover anyway if the light was _already_ bothering him.

"He's right, y'know," Goku added, walking along on my other side. "Why're ya scared of things that can't hurt you? If it's done happenin', then isn't it safe to think about?"

I had no reply to that, no witty retort to mask my surprise or protect my pride. They were both right.

I stared at Goku for while, marveling at this insightful monkey—he was older than me, but on a maturity level, we were pretty much the same—and at length I allowed a chuckle. "You are far more intelligent than anybody gives you credit for, Goku."

"Really?"

"Don't encourage him," muttered the drunken monk (…-ey…) (Holy crap. That was close.)

The hospital inn appeared at the top of the hill and I smiled. "We're almost there, Sanzo. You can sleep once we reach the inn. Please don't pass out here. I won't carry you, and seeing as how he was warning you the whole time that you were drinking too much, I doubt Hakkai will take pity on you, either."

"Shut up or die," he growled with only half the usual spirit.

I smiled. "Sure thing, old man Sanzo."

* * *

_And that was the Tangent…if I'm writers' blocked, these will appear…so long as I have a bizarre idea that wouldn't fit into the story line otherwise. Don't worry, the story picks back up next chapter, and all these wicked ideas I've just come up with will play out in the plot. (Also, this incident gets wrapped up as well.)_

_Please tell me what you think—whether you liked it or not, I'm very open to suggestions…so long as nobody asks me anything _too_ ridiculous…wait. Scratch that: ask me **whatever the hell you want**! I'll answer ANYTHING, regardless of whether or not it pertains to the story! That's _just_ how bored I am! (sometimes.)…oh, and Tartarus is the Ancient Rome version of Hell. Yep! Just thought I'd let you know._


	12. Divinity: Not Necessarily Useful

**The Irony Gods: Chapter 12

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_(Author's Note) **READ AND REVIEW, si tibi placet.**_

_I hope you like this chapter. You were probably wondering what the hell was up with the good doctor and the cat—this is explained here, along with the whole Irony Gods thing, sort of. What? Did you think it was merely a thing to say? I'm afraid not. Plus, Kannon gets to put in her two cents—or wan, or yen, or rupees, or whatever the hell—and my favorite mad scientist makes his official appearance! Fun, fun, fun! It's a fast chapter. I'm really hyper.

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**_Divinity: Not Necessarily Useful_**

**_(In the Heavens)_**

"_Kanzeon Bosatsu, I must beseech you to reconsider this!" Jiroshin begged the Merciful Goddess in earnest. "If the Jade Emperor were to discover that you were meddling again, who knows what will happen?"_

"_Oh, quit being such a worrywart. I just want answers, can't you see that?" the goddess replied with a loud yawn. "There is clearly something odd going on down there and the fact that none of the Gods up here seem to notice it is grounds enough for me to investigate. Besides, my back is stiff from sitting so much." She stood from her seat and stretched a bit, adjusting her sheer dress and the chained plate at the front—it was such a nuisance sometimes, to have to be presentable at every moment._

"_You're leaving now?" cried Jiroshin, clearly at his wits' end._

"_Of course. I would have gone last night, but that sorcerer, his apprentice, the girl, and Goku stayed up until they were all too exhausted to stay up anymore. Lydia's a crafty one, I'll grant her that—she and that Orphen fellow came up with a brilliant scheme to pay off Cleao's debts."_

"_How long were you watching them, may I ask?"_

"_Ummm…" she trailed off in thought, and at length replied, "About a day or so. These mortals are so much more fascinating than the goings-on here." She smiled at the images in the looking pool. "Now, let's go see what this girl is like in person, shall we, Jiroshin?"_

_He didn't want to do it, but he had no choice but to follow and at least _try_ to keep the Merciful Goddess out of mischief. "Yes, Kanzeon Bosatsu," he sighed heavily.

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**(On Earth)**

As I had suspected might happen, Sanzo was in absolutely no condition to even leave his room the morning after the Orphen incident—hangovers were a bitch, and Sanzo's had puppies. I would not have entered his room if my life depended upon it, especially since he was likely to blame me for his current state.

I had better things to do than get myself berated by an angry, plastered monk, so once I was done saying good-bye to Majic and Orphen, with whom I had conjured a masterful plan to fix Cleao's money situation last night, I gave them both farewell hugs and wandered back to my large, empty infirmary bedroom to think. Despite all the fun and all the eventfulness, the realization still hadn't yet escaped me that I was trapped in this world. By all accounts, I had somehow done the impossible, though _how_ I had done it still eluded me.

I flopped tiredly onto the bed and stared up at the rafters, wondering what the hell I was going to do, then rolled onto my side and laid there for some time before realizing that the sword along my spine was the reason why I was so stiff.

"Dammit," I sighed, reaching behind my hair for the handle—I thanked the responsible party for my flexibility, since it meant I could scratch anywhere on my own back without pulling a muscle—and sat up to draw the sword from its sheath. _Shhhinng!_ it sang as it arced out of its binds.

I sensed the presence before I heard the golf clap behind me, and without hesitation my first reaction was to jump off the bed and whip around with the sword in my left hand, poised and ready to fend off an intruder. This instinctual response really said something about how poor my social skills had become.

…and then I saw who it was and lowered the blade in surprise. "Kannon? Why are _you _here?" I demanded of the Merciful Goddess, who had seated herself on the bed beside mine with Jiroshin standing behind her, looking thoroughly uncomfortable.

Her face went from complacency to open surprise in an instant. "You know who I am?"

"I'm not an idiot. You're Kanzeon Bosatsu, are you not?" I replied shortly. "Wait a minute, did _you _have something to do with me being trapped here!" Because if she _did_…my brain shuddered at the thought of all that blood.

"No, it wasn't my doing," she said once she got over the initial shock. She crossed one leg over the other and asked with an intent frown, "So you have no idea how you came to be here?"

I sat down on my bed again, Indian-style, seeing as how there wasn't much threat to expect from the goddess. "If I did, I wouldn't be so stressed," I pointed out. "Why are you here, anyway? Bored of the heavens _again_?"

"It's not as though things change much up there," she muttered, giving me one of those odd looks that people gave me whenever when they suspected I knew far more than I should.

Well, if she wanted to give me that look, then I was going to earn it fair and square. "Things that never change are so lame, right?" I asked thoughtfully. "You said that to your nephew Konzen—now Sanzo—correct? And Gojyo was once Kenren, and Hakkai was once Tenpou, and Goku was once best buds with Nataku, the comatose war prince…what? Yeah, I know these things."

Jiroshin blanched, "H-how dare you speak so casually of the gods!"

"Please shut up," Kannon told him shortly, keeping her attention focused on me. "Lydia, how is it that you know all this?"

"You'd be shocked at what I know," I muttered, sighing and flopping down again. I stretched like a lazy cat for a moment, then settled on my side, facing Kannon and Jiroshin. "So answer my question—why are you here? It's not because I'm hampering your little ikkou—you're clearly getting a kick out of seeing them all deal with me—so what's up?"

To my surprise, she laughed. "Oh, I _like_ you. I haven't had this much entertainment since Homura's little uprising."

"Little? He tried to destroy heaven and earth! I'd hardly call that little…though there was never any doubt that the guys would stop him." I frowned and added for good measure, "And though you may like me, please don't try anything funny. I've never met a hermaphrodite in person before, so I advise against the shock treatment."

That last earned me a sharp glare, which passed quickly when she/he laughed. "Okay, kid, I can see that you're even more enlightened than the rest of the boys, so tell me how it's possible."

What the hell… "In my world, your world is our entertainment. It's basically just a story with pictures. From what I've observed, my entire perception of how reality works was skewed and misconstrued at best—I know now that nothing isn't real. One second I'm watching cartoons, and the next I'm lying in a desert wasteland after being sucked through a glowing rip in what I assume was the dimensional fabric of the universe—felt more like someone ripping the sat of their pants, but I guess we all experience dimensional travel in our own unique way."

"That's quite the theory there." Kannon rested her elbow on one thigh and her chin in her hand.

"Yeah, I guess…so really, I'd like to know why you're coming down here to talk to me and whether or not you have any ideas as to how I can get back home."

"Well, I'm here because I was curious, but I don't think I have any methods for you to get back to your world, unfortunately. Wherever you're from, I'm not part of it in any useful way, so as much as I hate to admit it, I'm powerless to help your dilemma."

I sat up again and nodded with a heavy sigh, "I thought so. Well, I guess it's quite an honor to meet you anyway. I've never spoken to a divine being in person before."

"You sound _so_ enthusiastic," she prodded with an amused quirk to the corner of her mouth.

I chuckled despite myself, "Forgive me if I'm being a tad ignoble, but doesn't the fact that you have no bearing in my world mean that you can't expect me to pay the sort of homage you're used to in your world?"

"I suppose so." She laughed aloud then. "Okay, I think you're good enough to keep around and safe, so here are a couple of little gifts from a Goddess." She reached behind her back and produced two items, the first of which she handed to me straight away. "Here, this coat should keep you warm when you reach the mountain range west of here—Sanzo won't stand for lost time, so he'll probably force you all along on foot. I noticed that you were unprepared for the wide climate shifts, so I thought you might like it."

I took the pile of marvelous, supple black leather and unfolded it to reveal a thigh-length coat with a thick red silk lining. "Oh, wow…" I murmured, grinning and throwing it around my shoulders immediately. "It's exactly my size!" It fit me perfectly, with room to move around, and even hugged my figure nicely—for once, clothing that didn't make me feel like a hand-me-down homeless girl! "Thank you so much, Kannon!"

"Don't mention it. Here's your other gift, which I suppose isn't really a gift, but a tool for a desperate situation." She handed me something that looked suspiciously like a tiny sweat-drop—a drop-shaped moonstone hanging from a silver clasp. "It's an earring, and since you seem to only be wearing one of four—can't say I understand why—I want you to wear this at all times. It'll help mask your weaknesses from any savage youkai, and, if you're stuck in a situation you _absolutely cannot get out of_, it will let me know and I'll see what I can do." She stood then and held up an advisory forefinger with a sly smile. "However, since I did this for you, I'd like you to do something for me."

"Yeah, like what?" A catch huh? Well…it would depend on what it was.

"Keep things entertaining. I'm _sooooo_ bored up there. Those four hellions—and you now, I suppose—are the only available entertainment in my monotonous world."

"Oh! Well, I can definitely guarantee _that_," I laughed, somewhat caught off guard at how simple the request was. "Thanks so much. I promise not to bore you to death the way your peers do."

"Wonderful. I'll see you again sometime." She flashed me another crafty smile and waved as she turned to leave, vanishing seconds later in a flash of light.

I stared at the empty air for a bit, then grinned and tightened the coat around myself, falling back onto the bed beside my sword. I chuckled, holding the pretty, shimmering blue-green pendant in front of my face, and then clasping it into my left lower ear piercing. It would nicely accent the silver dragonfly in my right ear.

"I owe you one, Kannon," I whispered into the emptiness.

_Just keep it entertaining_, the emptiness replied.

* * *

**_(3rd Floor, "Dr. Jin's" Office, at Roughly the Same Time)_**

_The farce was almost pitifully simple, as long as Master Sanzo never saw his face. The "Good Doctor" was able to collect his essential data without disruptions. The lovely nurse was content to deal with the formalities, the monk was too focused on staying away from the noise of his companions to care, and the girl's more…**delicate** memories were being successfully suppressed._

_The faint sound of tiny steps alerted the doctor to another's presence, and he turned his chair away from the laptop to look at the floor where Niveus sat silently, staring up at him with eyes which glowed in the light of the screen. "Oh, look, Snuggles, he's come to check on our progress again, hasn't he?" The doctor's lenses flashed in the light from the doorway behind the cat as he smirked and hugged the stuffed rabbit in his lap._

_The cat closed its eyes, and in a flash of emerald light it disappeared, leaving in its place a tall, slender man with raven hair to his shoulders and phthalocyanine eyes which held a dangerous, mocking intensity._

"_Hello, Ni Jianyi," the man murmured in a voice like the sound of flames consuming a forest, or a typhoon striking a metropolis. "I see that the drug had the desired effect, but she was stopped somehow."_

_The doctor grinned and picked up a smoking cigarette from the ashtray beside the laptop, placing it lightly between his lips. "Oh, she was a feisty one, yes. Her mind is very strong, though. She isn't the only one in there, you know." He tapped the side of his head and snickered, "The bad voices aren't as strong as the good ones at the moment—perhaps we should help them gain power? Hmmm…What do _you_ think, Master Konran?"_

_The man grinned, flashing far too many pointy teeth for a normal human, and folded his arms across his chest in thought. "What a twisted, unscrupulous man you are, Ni," he sighed, as though commenting on the inane actions of a nation's ruling body. He closed his eyes for a minute, contemplating, and when they opened again they shimmered with their own incandescence. "Ah, I think I want her broken. Yes, then she won't be nearly so merciful the next time. I want her to become the monster I can see hidden in her soul, the thing she locks in its cage and feeds only scraps of what it truly needs to flourish."_

_Ni smiled at his dreamlike description. "Very well. However, Lady Koushu wishes to know something, if it isn't too much trouble for one as busy as yourself?" There was a sardonic tone to his words, as though he believed his mistress was being a bit too forward in demanding answers from Konran._

"_Yes?" Konran only looked amused. He always looked amused when he sensed potential disorder or calamity._

"_What exactly do you hope to gain by destroying the Sanzo party? Granted, she appreciates your…assistance, but my Lady seems a tad troubled on this matter anyway." Ni wiggled the rabbit's arms and added in a high voice, "She thinks you have an ulterior motive!"_

_He blinked his shocking eyes. "Oh?" Ah, what fools these mortals were, thinking that every god or goddess had some great plan to be carried out over the passing of eternity. "Tell your Lady Koushu that she is reading far too much into this. As it was in Ancient Rome, I simply wish to play a part in the fall of Togenkyo. All I desire is utter chaos." He smiled to himself at the thought—what a happy thought. It reminded him of the good times, with Nero and Caligula dangling from the proverbial strings attached to their limbs._

"_Hmm, and to think I had expected something far more diabolical," chuckled the mad scientist as he turned back to his computer. "What is your sister up to, may I ask?"_

"_She is headed for Houtou Castle as we speak, to organize the data you have collected so far on both Gyumaoh's resurrection and dear Lydia's stability." He said the word _organize_ with a hint of disgust, as though just saying it made him feel a bit ill. "Chitsujo will be a welcome asset to your team of mad scientists."_

_Professor Ni grinned and snickered again past the cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth, "Perhaps."

* * *

_

**(Later that Evening)**

I ambled into the kitchen in a daze after having fallen asleep almost immediately after my little meeting with Kannon. Damn…staying up 'til five in the morning was like slowly draining all the blood from one's body. The need to sleep as much as humanly possible was so powerful that I slept in my new leather coat, curled up with my sword, for a good six hours.

"You were out a long time," Goku noted when I entered and took a seat between Gojyo and Sanzo—I was over my aversion by this point. "An' where'd you get that jacket?"

Huh? Oh, jacket. I rubbed my face vigorously to shake the sleep out of my head. "Er, I had a chat with our friend Kannon. She was bored, so she came to check me out." I froze in mid-yawn when I saw that they were all gaping at me—though Sanzo wasn't gaping so much as giving me a dubious stare. "What?"

"How the hell is it that you can say that kind of stuff all the time as though it's _not_ that shocking?" demanded Gojyo. "You _are_ talking about the Merciful Goddess, aren't you?"

"Yeah, what of it? She wanted to talk to me." I finished my yawn and stared at a pot of some sort of comestibles on the stove. "Hey, is that food?"

"Yes," replied Hakkai with a smile. "Help yourself."

"Don't mind if I do." Before my stomach could make its routine protest at having no sustenance to prevent the formation of ulcers along its inner lining, I went over and served a heaping bowl of the magical-smelling food, and then returned to the table and prepared myself to commence consuming.

"What did the old hag want to talk to _you_ for?" muttered Sanzo. He still looked as though he'd had a rough day, especially since his hair had apparently been slept on and neglected and the buttons on his shirt were misaligned—hunger stifled my urge to laugh—but the worst was over. We could leave tomorrow worry free.

"Well, she told me that she has no idea either how I ended up here." I swallowed a large bite of the stew-like substance and almost cried. "Holy crap, this is so good!"

"Thank you," Hakkai laughed, amused with how quickly I was devouring the food. Then his expression sobered a bit. "But about the Merciful Goddess, did she have any suggestions as to how to get you home?"

I shook my head. "Nope. She was pretty clear in assuring me that she has no power in the world I came from, and, by that very fact, she doesn't have the power to assist me."

"Typical," grumbled the disgruntled blonde, lighting a cigarette and taking his time absorbing all the nicotine he could. After what seemed like an eternity, he sighed, "This means we're stuck with you, like a goddamn stray cat." How was it that he could make such a disdainful statement devoid of emotion?

I refrained from snapping at him. My stomach was happy with the food, and he was still in a crappy mood what with the hangover and all—I would rise above insults! "I'm sorry for the inconvenience, but yeah, I guess you are. Kannon gave me this coat because she says there are some mountains we'll have to cross, and I have nothing but what I appeared here with."

"A gift from the gods this early in the game?" Gojyo stubbed out his cigarette, lit a new one, and puffed on it while staring blandly at me. "You have some weird-ass luck on your side, I'll hand you that. Nice coat, too. It has that new leather smell still. What kind is it?"

"The tag says it's lamb leather," I replied, sniffing the collar and smiling. "Ooh, that does smell nice." It was softer than suede or velvet, too, but I didn't want to rub it in. My new coat simply rocked.

"I suppose we will have to obtain some fresh changes of clothing for you then," mused Hakkai, clearly making little checklists in his head of what had to be purchased. He laughed to himself a little and added, "I would suggest that you wear some of our old clothes, but Goku is the only one even remotely close to your size."

"You'd better not be calling me fat," I grouched, "but if you are I forgive you because whatever the hell kind of stew this is makes my stomach want to sing. Bravo, my friend. You have done my diabetes a great service."

I received a mixed reaction to my mixed statement. "Oh, I don't mean that you're in any way above your target weight!" he amended hastily, sweat-dropping like crazy. (Gojyo was giving him the amused, observational stare of a third party watching from the sidelines.) "What I intended to imply was that you and Goku are the same height, so his shirts are fine, but I just don't think that a girl would fit well in his pants."

Silence.

"Hakkai, I think what you just said carries _very_ wrong connotations," I muttered, disbelieving that _Hakkai_ of all people, had been the one to say that sentence.

Goku, however, was—thank you, Irony Gods!—completely oblivious to the easily misconstrued statement. "Hakkai's right. My clothes would fit her all wrong, and besides, they're _my_ clothes. Lydia's my friend, but I'd feel all weird sharing my clothes with a girl an' all."

Okay…I was dropping that hot potato before it morphed into a flesh-eating virus and devoured me whole.

"There's still time to go find something, isn't there?" I asked. "I'd hate to get stuck out in the middle of nowhere without even one change of clothing."

Hakkai nodded, the awkward statement forgotten already—we were all ignoring the kappa's unsettling smirk. "Once you are finished, we can go find you two or three sets of clothes for the journey."

"Excellent!" I did a mini-reenactment of food day in my sixth-grade Spanish class, and cleaned off the bowl within five minutes. I set the bowl down and regained my breath, then got up and put my dishes in the sink beside where Hakuryu was sitting and eating some strawberries. "Now we can go."

"Oy, Hakkai, here." Sanzo handed the Three Aspects' gold card to Hakkai, who took it thankfully. "You'll be needing it."

* * *

**(Two Hours Later)**

Hakkai and I returned with all the things necessary to keep me feeling clean throughout the trip, including a few—ahem!—_feminine_ necessities. I now knew why only men had been selected for this journey—it was not female-friendly. At least I wasn't being overly pissy. I did _not_ need a serious "Pass My Shotgun" breakdown after all the previous idiocy with the gun and the sword and the suicidal attempts…yeah, all in all, I was in happy-go-lucky shape, dammit!

I was also tired, and _again_ that bastard Sandman dude had me in his evil clutches, dragging me down into the depths of the land of "Smile and Nod" where I would feel less inclined to wake up and commit a murder-suicide.

In fact, I dreamt of bunnies.

They were rabid, red-eyed, flesh-eating bunnies…

…but they were bunnies nonetheless! Wonderfully cute _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_ bunnies!

………sigh….

I think my brain is sending me subliminal messages, like, "look out for bunnies in sheep's clothing" or whatever. Naturally, I ignore the voices—in need to sleep, after all. Fear not the bunny!

* * *

_Okay…that was almost painful to write. It's 7:23 AM, and I still haven't slept—oh the tortures I put myself through for the sake of artistic expression! (Falls to floor and commences a dramatic monologue which only she can hear…then gets back up as though no time at all has passed) Just as a little side note, I'd like to add that the name **Konren**, according to my Japanese dictionary, means Chaos. **Chitsujo** means Order or Good Order. Yeah…and also, there will be a total of four Irony Gods, one for each cardinal direction, and their names will be the Japanese word for the dominating trait in their personality. And since we have Chaos and Order already mentioned, up next: Comedy and Tragedy! _

_And lastly, thank you from the depths of hell to all my reviewers. (My heart just wasn't deep enough) I don't care if you hate the story; I still want to know what you think! And those of you who like it, I am quite open to plot suggestions. I'm a tad unscrupulous when writing—I restrain myself here, in fact—but if you want more of something or less of another, or even something altogether new or previously denied, I promise to do what I can to appease the masses. --_**(o.O)--**


	13. Comedy: The Unwelcome Relief

**The Irony Gods: Chapter 13

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**

_(Author's Note)_

_(It's been raining a lot. Tropical Storm Alberto left us a lot of presents…but I like it. Rain makes me calm, like listening to music that anyone can understand, if only they listen long enough …)_

_FINALLY! They're leaving that Bobforsaken hospital/inn…dammit, I was beginning to get sick of that place. Konran is gonna be a pain in the ass in this story, as you may have noticed. He's pretty, but he's one seriously sadistic son of a one-eyed prairie dog—which, incidentally, I like a lot. His sister is a ridiculously ingenious neat freak from Hell. …hope you like Comedy and Tragedy, though. They're so…well, weird. Please read and review! Or rest and relax, so long as you enjoy!_

_Quote of the Day: "If you're referring to my monkey, I'd like to hinder his excellent progress with my fists, lords." --Sanzo: Reload Vol. 4

* * *

_

_**Comedy: The Unwelcome Relief**_

"All I'm saying is that it's damn c-cold!" Gojyo huffed, steam from his breath mingling with the smoke from his cigarette to form a sort of smog which wafted away on the breeze.

"And all **_I'm_** saying is that you'll die a horrible, painful death if you don't quit your whining!" growled back the ever-pissy Sanzo. It seemed that ever since my arrival he'd become progressively more irritable.

"I'm warm," I piped up hopefully, bundled nicely in my new leather.

"Me, too," Goku quipped from beside me. We were huddled together in the back of the jeep and were quite toasty, if I may say so. "You should try this, Gojyo!"

"Like hell! Some of us have our pride, chimp."

"And some of us are nice and comfy and warm," I added with a mean grin. "But not you. You're not saving your pride—you're just insecure, huh, Gojyo? Huh? You insecure? Is the kappa insecure?" Oh, how I loved egging him on.

He gritted his teeth, biting down on the filter of his cigarette, and a tic on his forehead jumped. "You know, I'm normally not into hitting little girls, but I might just make an exception for you, missy."

I stuck my tongue out at him spitefully. "Oh, really? I've been whacked by the paper fan, dude. That's the icing on the cake, and I doubt you can even come _close_ to inflicting that degree of pain on me."

_I still have soft spots from when you brought that retribution down upon us_, my brain muttered dryly. _You don't even care what happens to all your synapses, do you?_

I blinked and felt my eyes glaze over as I replied, "I care, but you know I can't help myself. No opportunity wasted, dear cerebellum." Then I turned back to the argument, only to find it over with.

Gojyo had an enormous lump on his head, barely concealed by the hood of his cloak, and I could see Sanzo in his shotgun seat with an evil little smirk. Damn, he was fast.

Hakkai laughed from the driver's seat in front of me and sped the jeep up across the frosted ground. We were awfully close to the mountains, and the ground we were on had been slanting steadily upwards for about fifty miles now. The altitude, along with the sheltered geography, seemed to hug the cold close to the mountains. The snow was on the peaks, but even here, it was so much colder than the desert we had been in only a day ago.

"They're right, Gojyo," the kappa's friend told him with a smile. "If you all huddled together, you would conserve much more heat, and we wouldn't have to feed all of you so much of our limited provisions to maintain normal body temperatures. Are you sure you want to risk hypothermia?"

"Let the kappa freeze," grouched Sanzo, with his arms folded and his cloak wrapped around him tightly to keep the cold out. "If we're lucky he'll die and leave more food for the rest of us. He's turning into Goku."

Gojyo defended his honor instantly, standing and yelling over my head, "How dare you compare me to that monkey! _He's _the one eating fifths and sixths at dinner, and stealing the food off of other peoples' plates!"

"I only take it cuz no one else eats it!" Goku shouted in annoyance. "It's not _my_ fault you're so damn slow at eating." He put on an adorable pout and his huge golden eyes watched the increasingly denser forest zip by on either side of us.

I chuckled and patted his head, "Chill out, dude. Tell you what, once we stop for the night I'll play Go Fish with you, all right? Hell, I'll even kick your ass at it!"

He grinned suddenly and widely, "Really? No way you're beating me!"

"Do you play with a lake or a pond?" I inquired.

"Lake. Pond is too much like solitaire, and I don't like that game." He wrinkled his nose at the thought of it, and I did a bit of speculation—did he hate it because he didn't like being solitary? Did it remind him of his prison? I couldn't imagine being locked up like that. It was the worst torture possible, in my mind.

"Good. I prefer lake as well," I said with a nod.

"Dammit," muttered the now-disgruntled water sprite. "Sanzo, are you cursed? First you find the monkey, and now you find this one. It's like you're a magnet for wild animals."

I narrowed my eyes at him. "You shouldn't be talking, water boy. At least Goku doesn't go running after every female he sees. He happens to maintain a level of innocence even at the age of eighteen. It's commendable, really."

Goku frowned. "Commendable?" His eyes became even bigger and those pink dots appeared on his cheeks again as he thought hard to remember what the word meant.

I couldn't resist. I reacted the same way I reacted every time he made this face in the manga and the anime…except he was here now in person. I tackled him with a big hug and gave him the noogie I had always wanted to give. "Awwwwwww!" It was just too cute to fight!

"Ahh!" He laughed and fought to get away, and I stopped the noogie early—to much of a good thing and all the magic would be lost, so moderation was the order of the day. "What was that for?" he asked, rubbing his thick brown hair and still grinning despite the "pain".

"You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that," I chuckled. On my mental list of things to do before I died, I checked off the box beside "give cutsey Goku a noogie" and smiled.

"Like a couple of five-year-olds, I swear," Gojyo commented, fighting his own smile. "Isn't it cute, Sanzo? Goku has a playmate now!"

"Shut your face or die trying," responded half-conscious Sanzo. He was trying to pass time again by sleeping.

…which was a futile effort, seeing as how the moment the words had left Sanzo's lips, Hakkai jerked the wheel to the right and sent us all spinning and screaming for our lives.

"Mommeeeee!" I heard Gojyo squeal like a little girl—it pierced my own terror, and suddenly I was giggling like an idiot. Why were we still spinning?

_Icy road_, replied brain, totally collected. _Shall we?_

"Why not?" I closed my eyes and felt the world rotating around me, waiting, waiting, waiting…now! My eyes opened and I leapt up, using every bit of street and formal training I had ever received to catch the tree branch above and scramble up to my perch—this took all of three seconds. "Piece o' cake or pie?"

"Blueberry cheesecake will do nicely," replied the taller of the two people standing in the middle of the road, mere feet away from the huge skid marks which told onlookers in which direction the jeep had spun off amongst the trees. "That was quite the move there, Lydia."

My eyes narrowed as the INSTINCT center of my brain kicked in. The man who had spoken was maybe six-one, looked like he was in his early twenties—hard to tell his strength through the loose black and crimson silk of his silver-buttoned dress shirt, but his legs—clad in black denim—were long and slender, probably nimble. He was barefoot, which made me uneasy for multiple reasons, but I couldn't see any long-range or short-range weapons on him. Unless he was a gymnast or a ninja (tch!), I was safe in my tree for now.

The other was a girl who looked maybe twelve, shorter than I was, wore something that looked suspiciously like a woolen stola and palla from Ancient Rome, and though I couldn't see most of her in the darkness of the silver-gray hood and robe, I did see two enormous, forlorn eyes blinking up at me in curiosity through hair the color of obsidian. They were an electric blue so dark that the sparks of lighter cyan seemed to give off a faint light.

"We need your help," she whispered, her voice holding all the sadness and loneliness and hamartia to ever grace the human existence.

"Yep, we're in a bit of a bind here," added the white and silver haired man with the friendly grin. His voice seemed to be the girl's opposite, packed with humor and laughter and wit and histrionic intensity. His eyes glimmered like orange embers behind thick black lashes and long bangs…the guy looked like a ninja rock star.

I stared at them for a good long time, frowning more deeply than I ever had before, and after a while I heard shouting and angry gunshots a hundred yards into the thinned trees at my five o'clock. Sanzo was pissed and rampaging, Gojyo was pissed and avoiding the gun, Goku was complaining about his stomach, and Hakkai was attempting to maintain the peace.

They emerged from the forest about six meters or so behind the two strangers.

"You picked the absolute wrong day to piss me off," Sanzo seethed and gritted his teeth, pointing the gun and shooting without hesitation at the man. The utter rage in his violet eyes was almost scalding to see.

Three bullets zipped past the man's head, clipping off bits of silver hair, and he simply chuckled. "Ooh, I just love the angry ones! Cousin Konran would like you. What do you think, Higeki?"

"We have a task, Yumoa, please do not get sidetracked," whispered the girl.

Sanzo stood there for a second, fighting the need to shoot the guy in the head, and earned a massive victory for anger management everywhere in just lowering the weapon. A second later he was lighting up a Marlboro. "Who the hell are you?" he demanded flatly, exhaling a stream of smoke mingled with steam into the chilly air.

"Yeah, normal people don't stand in the middle of the road to get hit by speeding jeeps on ice!" Gojyo added, pointing his shakujou defiantly at the two.

"An' you made me squish my stash of meat buns!" Goku cried, quite possibly the most indignant of them all. He twirled his nyoi-bo idly in one hand.

Hakkai just smiled and bowed politely. "I hope nobody was hurt?"

Ember-eyes lifted his brows about an inch. "Huh? We're fine. _You_ can't kill us anyway."

Sanzo's expression darkened. I saw the arrogance threatening to flare up, and took that moment to call their attentions to myself. "Yo, people! I'm up here, remember me?" I shouted, crouching on my branch and waving.

"Lydia!" Goku waved. I doubted I could ever be sad with the monkey around grinning like that.

"What are you doing up in a tree?" Sanzo asked flatly, his face completely blank except for the telltale throbbing vein on his cheek. "I'm not helping you if you get stuck."

I pouted and let the cat reference slide. I liked cats—being identified with them was an honor—though I didn't know what I would do if I became allergic to myself.

Instead, I addressed the strangers. "Yumoa and Higeki, right?"

"That's us!" laughed the tall man. I was picking up a weird feeling from both of them…but I wasn't sure of what it was. There was something…what was it?

_Ask questions_, whispered REASON. INSTINCT saw no danger…it took a nap.

Yes, questions—but which ones? Okay…inspiration!

"What do your names mean?" I asked, crouching lower on my thick branch and frowning at them.

Gojyo's face contorted into an odd expression of dumbfounded anger. "What the hell kind of question is _that_!"

A gunshot shut him up real fast.

I returned my attention to Yumoa and Higeki. "So?"

Yumoa chuckled as though I had asked exactly what was necessary for a real answer. "You _are_ as insightful as he thinks you are. However, I'm not on his side, so sure, I'll answer." He gently tugged at the top of the girl's hood, and it slipped back against a mass of wavy, shining onyx hair. It didn't even have a blue shine to it, like normal true black, and it flowed almost to her feet. "Higeki is Tragedy. I am Comedy."

One of my eyes gave an involuntary twitch. No way. "As in the Greek personae of the theater?"

"The very same."

My eye twitched again and the words left me before I was even aware of saying them:

"_You're both Irony Gods?_"

He shrugged.

* * *

**_(Forty Minutes Later Around a Toasty Campfire)_**

_Sanzo watched in an irritated, discomfited silence as the monkey, the feral stray cat, and the dumb-ass clown of a "god" engaged in what they saw as an intense battle to the death._

_All Sanzo saw was a stupid game of Go-Fish._

_He lit his fifth cigarette of last twenty minutes and covered his eyes with one hand. This journey of theirs seemed to be gathering idiocy like a magnet at an exponential rate. It was only a matter of time before he **would** kill one of them in a rage._

_Everyone but the three playing cards had congregated on some logs around a warm fire—night was coming fast, and there was no other option than to set up camp and move on in the morning. And naturally, despite the fact that the monk had repeatedly denied them permission, the two so-called "gods" were still hanging around. Sanzo was alone in his battle for silence._

"_So you guys are the reason why Lydia is stuck here?" the kappa asked Higeki, the sad little goddess. He was sitting across from Sanzo at the fire. Sanzo briefly contemplated shooting him in between the eyes._

"_No, it was our cousin Konran and his sister Chitsujo," whispered the little girl beside him. Thoughts of murder left the monk's mind at the sound of her voice. Every time she spoke…all he could see was his master falling in a wash of blood—he shook his head and uttered a soft curse. Goddess of Tragedy his ass. She was just **too** creepy and depressing._

_Hakkai was wearing his serious face as he stirred the pot of stew on the fire. "Why would they do that? Can you two take her back?"_

_The little girl never looked away from the fire, and her voice never rose above a whisper—but it carried as though she had shouted. "They want to destroy you. They want to destroy us. Konran is our master, and has sealed our ability to save her."_

_Again, Sanzo had to force the images back. He was _**not**_ falling asleep anywhere near this girl. With the images that kept rising while he was awake, he didn't want to know what would happen to his dreams if she talked in her sleep. _

"_Why does he want **us **destroyed," he demanded. First Kougaiji, then Homura, and now **this**?_

"_There is no why," she whispered back. "He only wants, and he will have it."_

_Gojyo's expression shifted to annoyed disbelief. "What the hell is **his **deal?"_

"_Konran is a god of Chaos. He replaced Eris recently. In our world he is the root of all Chaos, but modernization has made him uneasy. Nobody knows him; nobody respects him as they did Eris in ancient times. He is here to become your world's god of Chaos, and following the common practice among gods who travel into other realms, he has changed his name appropriately."_

"_Shit," the kappa muttered. "How powerful is he? He can't be as bad as Homura was, can he?"_

"_Your war god was powerful, but he was not Chaos. War has limits. Chaos is utter destruction. Konran, if he has his way, will shatter every remnant of order in heaven, earth, and hell. Then he will allow his sister to put everything in order again, only to be destroyed again. It is his cycle."_

"_But what is Lydia doing in all of this?" Hakkai inquired. _

"_She is his…worldly equivalent. In our realm, there are two sets of power among Irony Gods: those in the heavens and those born as humans. Lydia is a human with the spirit of Chaos in her blood. Yumoa's worldly equivalent is an actor and comedian. Mine is still a newborn. Chitsujo's is a librarian."_

_Sanzo, Hakkai, and Gojyo all turned somewhat incredulous eyes on the bizarre, unpredictable girl with whom they had become stuck, much like an actual stray cat._

"_Threes!" she shouted unrelentingly. "And don't lie this time, Yumoa! I know you have a three!"_

"_Go fish," the god replied with a straight face._

_Lydia erupted, "Liar! That's **bull crap**! Crappity crappity **crap**! Lemme see your hand!"_

"_No. Accept fate and draw a card," snubbed Yumoa, holding his cards tight to his chest and fighting a smirk when Lydia stood abruptly and stalked around him to get a look at his hand._

"_I don't believe in fate!" she declared, launching herself at the much taller—and likely much stronger—man, and attempting to wrestle the cards from his death grip._

_Goku waved a card up in the air, trying to talk past his laughter, "Lydia, I have a three! Ha-ha! Hey! Look!"_

_She desisted instantly, leapt back to her seat on one corner of their little triangle, and took the card from Goku, "Thank ye kindly, old bean. Thou art much more hospitable than **some** old whiny omnipotent beings." She shot a sharp glare Yumoa's way, and he frowned._

"_What? I'm nice! I'm really, **really** nice!" he defended in an injured tone. "I just don't like cheaters."_

"_I wasn't cheating. I called you out!"_

"_This isn't a game of BS, Lyds. This is Go Fish. You can't call someone out in Go Fish," the god calmly explained._

"_Like hell!" Lydia launched into a second attack without even thinking…like a feral cat._

_Okay, enough of that._

_Sanzo turned away from the three of them in an attempt to preserve whatever meager patience he had left, and looked to Hakkai, "What do you suppose we should do about the stray?"_

_Hakkai's smile slipped a little. "We can't leave her alone—I have a feeling she might react like Goku to a situation like that." Then he had an idea, and looked up at the little goddess earnestly, "Miss Higeki, do you think you and Yumoa could take Lydia? You know much more about this than we do."_

"_That is impossible," was the goddess' simple reply. Still, she never looked away from the flames. "Lydia is not safe with any of the Irony Gods. Konran rules my brother and myself, therefore if he were to find her with us, she would immediately be taken hostage. The safest place is with you."_

"_But she's just a kid," Gojyo argued. "She can't fight off youkai every ten miles like us. She'll get herself killed. And besides, how the hell is this Konran guy going to destroy us anyway?"_

"_She may be young, but she has more practical fighting experience than you may think—she is too focused on staying alive to let herself die by another's hand. Before she came here, several months ago, she had made a pact with herself to live no matter what."_

"_And Konran?" Hakkai pressed. He began serving the stew into several bowls._

"_My cousin will attempt to use Lydia as a weapon to destroy you. At the moment she is no more than a young girl with exceptional agility, as well as an animal instinct—but if Konran were to capture her and use his powers over Chaos on her, she would lose all sense of self and become his left hand. She would be his to command, and she would destroy anything and everything in her path to achieve her task."_

_Hakkai's smile was gone now, replaced by a serious frown. He looked to Gojyo and Sanzo. "Is it just me, or does that scenario sound awfully familiar?"_

_Sanzo had his eyes closed, but was frowning the tiniest bit. Gojyo was staring at the girl a bit uncertainly as Goku wrestled her away from her fight with Yumoa. They were all laughing hard like little kids, even the god._

"_Then this Konran must have been in the hospital with us," Sanzo murmured at length, not bothering to open his eyes._

"_It **does** explain how she managed to get past your guard, mighty Sanzo," commented Gojyo with a smirk. He took the offered bowl from Hakkai, who was going around and giving everyone their portions._

_Sanzo looked up and took his bowl. "Shut it. My point is, there was someone else in that place besides us and the medical staff, but we never saw anything strange."_

"_Are you kiddin' me? That doctor was a quack! He took **way** too long changing that girl's clothes, but the nurse was there, he said, so I let it go. **And** don't you remember Lydia rambling on and on about strange languages and talking cats that weren't cats?"_

_Talking cats that weren't cats? _

_Sanzo blinked. It was so **stupid**! "It was the cat," he muttered, a sharp edge of anger in his voice. "Dammit, the cat was the only one hanging around her room the night she tried to kill herself!"_

"_And you," added the water sprite._

_Sanzo glared at him. "She can't kill me." Stupid kappa, to even **think** that a little kid was capable of it. Much less a little kid who was almost as immature as the monkey! "Then it's settled: until we figure out a way to send her back to her world, she's not allowed to be alone. We can't have any more setbacks." He was plain **sick** of gods at this point—Irony or otherwise._

"_I suppose we'll have to ask Konran about this," Gojyo thought aloud wearing a tiny crafty smile. "Are we lucky or what, to get so much attention from gods? Maybe the goddess of love will look my way!"_

_Sanzo groaned and covered his face with his hand to tend to his headache. "Damn it all to hell."_

_

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____**(Quick AN)**_

**I'M SO SORRY THIS TOOK FRIGGIN' FOREVER TO POST! (bows repeatedly far too fast, then passes out from exhaustion and insomnia) X ... X ; **

**To all reviewers,I worship ye unconditionally! I do love you! (except the Cow, for she hath yet to return mine Vol 10 of Saiyuki! You had better not have hurt Dr. Ni!)**

(Oh, and check out my profile page for access to **Saiyuki Gaiden** scans, which tell of the boys' time in heaven, as well as a couple of pix I drew...Lydia's is NOT one of my best, but the one of Goku and Nataku is just adorable...I'm planning a heavens fic as we speak...all because of **Gaiden**...dammit, it made me SOOOOOO mad! Waaahhhh! A **CURSE** upon ye, Li Touten! You **BASTARD**!)


	14. Life: Not as Fair as One Might Hope

**The Irony Gods: Chapter 14

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_**(Author's Note)**_

_I've been reading "Saiyuki Gaiden" like mad ever since another author alerted me as to its existence. I spent roughly twelve hours in my search, and managed to compile enough info to figure out what exactly happened to get our favorite band o' misfits kicked out of the heavens. If you care to read, check my profile for the links. Goku is just the cutest little thing you've ever seen…and Konzen is much more openly kindhearted than Sanzo could ever be…and if thou wishest for more, I have some stuff saved which happens after the last bit of the second link, so just ask, 'kay? Ah, and if the chapters start getting longer, I have ceased giving a crap. No longer shall I suffocate my creativity gland!_

_Quote of the Day: "Mary had a little lamb—her father shot it dead / Now it goes to school with her between two chunks of bread."_

**_(WARNING: CONTAINS VIOLENCE AND GORE…NO, REALLY, IT DOES. –the Management)

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_**Life: Not as Fair as One Might Hope**_

Bright sunlight and people shouting at the top of their lungs gave me quite the rude awakening, nearly knocking me out of the tree into which I had climbed in the dead of night and curled up in a particularly comfortable nest of branches. I didn't open my eyes. That bastard sun had _some_ _nerve_, shining in my face like this so early.

And the shouting didn't help me get back to sleep, either.

"Lydia! Where are you! Breakfast's been ready for a long time!" I recognized Goku's voice somewhere deep in the woods behind me. He was way off the mark on this one.

"…I really didn't mean what I said about your hair! I apologize! See? I said I was sorry!" Gojyo. He was certainly a conceited twit for thinking his petty insult to my bed-head was enough to send me running. (Note to self: shave Gojyo's head while he's sleeping, and see how vain he is _then_.) He was also even further than Goku, far off at around my ten o'clock.

"Goddamn it, if you don't quit playing games, so help me I'll put you on a leash, you damn stray!" Ooh, even Sanzo was after my blood, eh? Heh-heh… He was the closest to the tree. In fact, I could see him at my three o'clock, but I was pretty high up, and the branches were dense enough to hide my darkly clad form in my little niche.

He was stomping around in his own special graceful-when-pissed-beyond-all-sanity way, wearing a warm wool cloak and holding the paper fan in his hand like a battle club. That thing _really_ hurt. I was willing to bet good organs that he did something special to it to achieve the strength and durability that thing possessed.

Common sense dictated that I should exit my perch immediately and avoid a painful retribution for prolonging their search. I ignored this particular voice, as it was not my own, but one which was only renting free space. Instead, I raised the lapels of my coat to keep more heat in, and adjusted the blanket covering my legs to maintain a frostbite-free leg and foot zone. It was damn cold at night and in the morning in this place.

More rustling in the underbrush alerted me to the presence of Hakkai, who was even closer than Sanzo now, but on my right. "Sanzo, any luck?" he called.

"I'll kill her!" was the patience-free response.

And then I heard a soft sound, like silk on silk, and looked up to see Yumoa in the branches above me, apparently having slept there and only now waking up.

"Who's yelling?" he mumbled almost incoherently, rubbing his eyes and dropping his arm limp against the trunk of the tree.

"Hush!" I whispered.

"Eh?" He turned his head on the branch upon which it had been resting and blinked his pretty eyes at me through badly tousled hair. "Oh, hi Lyds," he yawned, more quietly. "What's going on?"

"Why are you in my tree?" I asked. "Answer me first."

"Huh? Oh, I was just staying close by in case of trouble. A warning is about the best I can do, but it's a start." He yawned again and gave me a sheepish smile. "You talk in your sleep, like the rest of us."

Us? He was _really_ tired. "I know." I scanned the ground and saw Sanzo and Hakkai headed deeper into the woods, more toward where Goku was. "Crap, and I thought they were the openly intelligent ones."

"They are. Goku was calling them." He sat up then and stretched. "This is nice, but it's easier to do morning stretches on a bed."

"Tell me about it," I muttered, forcing myself up and bundling the blanket into my niche as I stretched my limbs until the sleep had been worked out of them. "Dammit, I hope they don't make me sleep on the ground. I hate the ground." I thought of home and my tree-house. Sixteen years old, yet I still doted on that thing like my own child. It even had electricity and a DVD hookup. Thinking about it reminded me of the DVD case I had lost and I cursed myself bitterly. "This is so not fair."

"What's not fair?"

"I lost my Ren and Stimpy DVD box when I got sucked in here. I had it in my hand, but I couldn't find it when I arrived." I pouted and hugged a tree branch, watching the ground below.

"Oh, that? Gojyo has it. He found it when they found you. Sanzo almost made him throw it away."

I looked up in surprise. "Really? Yesssss!" I pumped my fists in joy—and nearly slipped out of the tree when I caught a patch of frost with my heel. "Whoa!"

With speed-of-light reaction timing, Yumoa slid down the branches like a pro and caught my wrist before I dropped like a stone to the earth thirty feet below. "Careful, now," he chuckled, lifting me up and setting me safely on my branch. He patted me on the head and grinned. "I just saved your life!"

"Yeah, I'm quite aware of that," I panted, more than a bit winded.

"Maybe we should go let them know that you're not kidnapped," the god of Comedy suggested brightly. "Of course, _first_, let's pretend you have been."

"I dunno, Sanzo looks ready to rip my head off as it is. I don't think I want to get shot this early in the morning." I could just barely make out Sanzo's and Hakkai's shapes among the bushes and brambles, but even at this distance I could sense his outright rage concerning my disappearance. "I got to sleep in a tree like I wanted. For once I'll own up to it and take my punishment as it is deserved. Besides, I need to make sure Gojyo hasn't destroyed my box."

"Oh," he murmured, a bit crestfallen. He really was a god of Comedy. All he really wanted was to have fun. "But when you go back, Higeki and I will have to leave. Konran is expecting our report—we won't tell him where you are, but it may be a while before we get to see you again." Then he smiled and suddenly he picked me up and hopped down from the tree like a friggin' elf, setting me back on my feet once we were on solid ground. I gave him an annoyed yet appreciative glare. "Well, if that's your decision, then let's bring you to the others, and humbly beg forgiveness for giving them all such a scare."

"Sanzo's not scared. Sanzo's damn picky about what can scare him," I informed my divine pal. "However, why _is_ he so intent on finding me?"

Yumoa smiled and leaned down to my eye-level, smiling brightly. "Well, you see, he doesn't want you to kill him, so he wants to keep you under his hawk-like gaze. It would be very inconvenient if Genjyo Sanzo never finished Kanzeon Bosatsu's mission, now, wouldn't it?"

My heart skipped a few beats, realized its distraction, apologized furiously, and resumed at twice the normal rate to make up for lost time. "He…thinks I'll kill him?" _That _was a blow to my conscience, and I felt my chest tighten, much to my heart's frantic dismay. "But I thought—but why…?" I wasn't even sure how to put it into words. Were they all worried that I'd snap again? I almost felt as guilty about attacking Sanzo as I did about murdering my family…but of all people, these guys…I had thought they would understand.

MEMORY chuckled through its binds, whispering, _Do you see now? You will never escape your weakness. You will never escape the things your soul longs for—_

REASON interrupted with a savage kick to the head, knocking MEMORY out for the time being. I could feel my mind's eye on me. _Do not listen to your lesser half_, REASON muttered, frowning in disgust at the prone "figure" dangling from the chains and bloody strips of cloth. _You know what is right and what is wrong, and allowing stupidity to overthrow common sense is no better than giving up your will to live. Don't you dare forget your pact._ And then silence filled my head as REASON returned to its shapeless, ambiguous, mind-filling form.

Yumoa watched with great interest as this little tiff played out in my head, and once he saw that it was through, he told me gently, "You battle with internal demons every day, giving substance to the faceless enemies who want nothing but power and your own self-destruction; and as a result, you give them power to affect your decisions." His smile turned from sad to quirky and curious, then he stood straight and brushed the silver hair from his ember eyes.

"I see the Chaos inside of you, and I see how it fits perfectly to complete Konran's own, but there is more to you than that, and this is why we cannot allow you to fall into his hands. You would connect too easily, and he would have you dangling from his puppet strings in an instant…" He folded his arms and cocked his head to one side. "_Or_, you'll give him hell. I don't think he's ever had to fight anyone quite like himself…and unfortunately for him, if you did not cooperate, killing you would cripple his powers."

"Come again?" What the hell was he babbling on about? Was Konran planning to kidnap me? What had the boys been talking to Higeki about last night? Stupid Go-Fish!

I received no answer, however, for Sanzo had spotted me through the woods and was rampaging my way, _fwapping_ the paper fan menacingly into his palm. "Stupid animal, get your ass over here right now before I shoot both dead!" he roared, violet eyes flashing like twin flames. _Oh, yeah, Sanzo, threatening to end my life is surely the best way to make me want to go near you_, I thought to myself.

"Hoo, boy, you're in for it now," Yumoa said in a singsong voice. He turned to me, took my hand, and bowed over it deeply, kissing lightly and righting himself again while I gawked at him—Sanzo's retribution was suddenly a million miles away.

"What was that for?" I demanded.

He grinned and tweaked my nose playfully. "What? I can't pay my respects to a superior?" he chuckled in his own, disconcerting way. "Fare thee well, dearest Lydia. I will check on you while I can."

"What! You're leaving? I don't understand! I have no idea what you're rambling on about!" I grabbed his hand and squeezed tightly. "That's not fair!"

"Aww, come on, little one. Since when is life or reality fair?" he _tsk_-ed me good-naturedly, then with the next chilling breeze he was gone as though he had never been there to begin with, my hands left out in the cold.

I stood beside my tree and heard Sanzo and Hakkai approaching, but I was too busy going over Yumoa's words to properly register the blows from Sanzo's fan. Naturally, this vacancy on my part—as well as my lack of reaction to quite possibly some of the worst pain in the world—made Hakkai put a stop to Sanzo and place a gentle hand on my arm.

"Are you all right?" he asked, full of concern. "Why did Yumoa vanish like that? Did he hurt you?"

Slowly, I shook my head. No, but he had said things which both did and didn't make sense. What had he meant? How was I his superior? Why would Konran want _me_? I closed my eyes and ground the heels of my hands against my orbits, fighting an oncoming headache.

"Lydia?" Hakkai walked around to stand in front of me, and crouched a little to see my eyes through my disheveled hair. Huh, in this light it had that nice red sheen to it, usually invisible through all the black.

"I'm fine," I sighed at last. "He just…said some things. I'm sure he was just being cryptic." I dropped my hands to my sides and looked to Sanzo, who had a peculiar look on his face, as though my non-reaction to getting whacked bothered him, but he didn't want it to show. "My, Sanzo, what dead eyes you have," I muttered dryly, turning away then and throwing the woolen blanket/cloak around myself to keep out the chill. The campsite wasn't far off, so I headed there.

"Where do you think you're going?" the monk demanded to know.

Not looking back, I grumbled over my stomach, "I'm finding food. I need to or I'll pass out again. Also, I need to give Gojyo a thorough smackdown for taking my DVD case and not telling me."

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_**(Upon Lydia's Departure to the Campsite)**_

_Hakkai watched Lydia slip away into the dense forest like an experienced predator in search of prey. She was…different. What had Yumoa said to her? "Sanzo?" he murmured questioningly._

_The priest closed his eyes and drew out his pack of cigarettes, lighting one and putting everything away with the skill of years of habit. "I know."_

_Hakkai knew Sanzo could see further into this than he could—that night, there had been an odd connection made between them. Sanzo clearly saw something painfully familiar in the girl, but he would never admit it. Not to his companions, and especially not to himself. "What should we so about it?" _

_Letting out a deep breath of smoke, Sanzo cracked his eyes open. "Nothing for now. But if it comes down to it, I won't hesitate to kill her."_

"_I know." Hakkai looked to the thick carpeting of leaves, hearing insects crawling through the layers with unnaturally sharp senses. "But you will leave it as a last resort, won't you?"_

_Sanzo dropped his hand to his side, pulling the cloak closer against the chill, and began following in the direction Lydia had gone, toward the camp. "I don't waste bullets on animals," he stated flatly._

_As Sanzo left, Hakkai smiled a little and let out a small laugh, "Of course, Sanzo." He then headed the opposite direction to find Goku and Gojyo and tell them that Lydia was fine, but halted suddenly when he heard a sharp cry pierce the suffocating closeness of the forest like a knife._

_Loud sprinting footsteps caught his attention and he saw Gojyo and Goku crashing through the underbrush, following the voice._

"_That was Lydia!" Goku shouted to them both, holding his _nyoi-bo_ close to cut better through the spaces between the trunks. Gojyo was right behind, his _shakujou_ close at his side for the same reason as Goku._

_Hakkai raced after them, focusing his chi into a sphere in his hands and dodging and weaving through the trunks without hesitation. He could feel the aura increase as they neared the campsite._

"_Youkai!" cried Goku in utter joy. "Finally! I get t' see Lydia fight!"

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**(Back at the Campsite)**

I was munching on a sweet bean roll and sipping the Mountain Dew I had saved from way back when as Sanzo appeared out of the surrounding thickets and sat down at the fire, wearing a blankly irritated expression as he closed his eyes and smoked.

Unconsciously it seemed, my left hand wandered toward the leather grip of my sword, slipping my fingers around the familiar object and taking a sort of quiet peace from it. I didn't talk, just sat and ate—Sanzo hated the noise anyway, and after the whole running-off-to-sleep-in-a-tree bit I figured it was in my best interests not to push my luck with him. If I wanted info, I would ask Hakkai or Gojyo.

I finished the roll and chugged the rest of the soda, tossing the can into the fire to watch the ink print turn the flames pretty colors.

And then I started getting that itchy feeling between my shoulder blades, and the hair on my nape prickled up. I frowned and looked at Sanzo, and he caught my gaze briefly and nodded the slightest. We had company.

I was on my feet in an instant, drawing my sword out in a flash of double-edged steel. I would name this sword after my first true fight with it, I decided to myself. My left arm was at a forty-five degree angle with the ground and my side, and I scanned the dense foliage with new intensity as INSTINCT took over for REASON. Adrenaline flooded my system and mingled with the caffeine—I was itching for a fight.

Sound to my left—I ducked under the swing of the blade and swept my sword upwards into my attacker's belly, catching skin and muscle with the barbed edge and strafing off to the side. The barb ripped a jagged hole into the youkai's stomach and I felt a warm wash of satisfaction at the sight of his pink, bleeding innards.

Sanzo was up and gunning down his fair share, I could see. Even in that robe and cloak, he was far more agile than any of the youkai, who were basically shirtless.

Okay, now about the youkai I had stabbed.

I skipped back out of his reach when he used his last death throes to swing his blade at me again, but my moment of hesitation left one leg vulnerable, and the blade sliced a shallow cut into my calf. I gave a piercing cry, and suddenly INSTINCT was the _only_ thing governing my actions.

I swung my blade down onto his skull and it bit into the bone, cutting it neatly in half. A low, animalistic growl escaped my throat when three more saw fit to interrupt my moment of payback, and I backflipped up and over them, twisting my body swiftly and sweeping my blade through the air. It caught two of them in the neck, severing their heads from their shoulders in an anticlimactic sort of way, and when I landed nimbly on my feet, the third roared and charged at me, a raw, red slice gaping from his left shoulder and down his chest. It was deep. I could see bone.

"Stupid," I growled, whipping the barbed edge facing out and bringing it straight down. The hook caught the top of his head and broke through, and the speed of the swing smashed a jagged hole through meat and bone. He convulsed and collapsed, twitching on the ground. Blows to the head could do that to you.

Goku, Hakkai, and Gojyo chose that moment to arrive and assist, earning an irritated "Took you long enough!" from Sanzo. Hakkai blasted away a group of five before apologizing for their tardiness. Goku shouted something about working up an appetite while he pummeled six more to death in twelve seconds. Gojyo's _shakujou_ whipped around the clearing with eerie precision, slicing through youkai after youkai effortlessly.

Blood, limbs, and bits of clothing were being strewn around like a blender on liquefy.

No time to admire, however, as another two tried to double-team me with an almost symmetrical attack. With one sword, my only familiar option was a quick one-two attack that my old gang's leader had taught me a while back. When they reached me I strafed as quickly as I could to one side, swinging at the closer of the two and severing his sword arm from his shoulder. He halted and stared at the profusely bleeding wound, and his partner screamed and dodged around him in a rage, openly charging.

_Don't they know how to use battle tactics?_ INSTINCT grumbled to itself.

"Clearly not," I replied, coldly meeting the charge with a sprint, dropping below the strike at the last moment and skidding between his legs, then catching a grip in the leaves with my right hand as I swung the smooth bladed edge down diagonally across his back. Blood spurted and his spine cracked under the blow, and with the cord severed he fell to the ground, limp from the chest up.

With him incapacitated, I stalked around to his front and put my foot on the blade he was trying to get at. "We will have the scripture!" he gurgled through his own blood. It coated his back and pooled dark and hot on the ground.

"Over my dead body," I spat, plunging the pointed end of the blade into his temple with a sickening crunch, twisting savagely, then jerking it back out. "Bastard." Skull fragments and globules of brain matter stained my blade, but I would clean that up later.

With this end of the attack killed off, I ran into the thick of it, feinting and ducking and leaping and dodging thought the press of bodies and weapons, slashing through and aiming only for vital points. It reminded me of this massive fight between my old gang and our arch rivals from downtown. Only, instead of shanks and aluminum bats, everyone here had swords and other more violent weapons.

A sickle grazed my forehead, slicing diagonally through the skin above my eyebrow, but before I could eviscerate the bastard who had done it, a glint of silver and a rattling sound whipped past me, decapitating the offending assailant. I jerked around and saw Gojyo wink at me, giving me an approving gesture before turning and resuming his attack on the ever-thinning bunch of attackers.

"Hmph," I murmured, too focused on the one thought—_kill—kill them or they will kill you_.

I found Goku thrashing a cornered bunch, and while he whipped his _sansekkon_—the three-segmented _nyoi-bo_—around in a blur to take them out one by one, I dove into the fray, slicing and jabbing and stabbing and generally taking out every ounce of frustration I had on the enemy. Blood sprayed and splashed, and youkai screamed and wailed, but nothing could keep me from what I wanted.

"…for my parents! …for my brother! …for my sister! …for my childhood! …for my innocence!" With each blow I screamed my bereavements, one after another, until there was no one else to kill, until I was hacking at dead bodies in a rage.

Someone grabbed me from behind and I hissed, springing away and whipping my sword around to kill—and felt an unpleasant shudder chase its way down my spine when I saw Sanzo using his banishing gun to block the blow, intense amethyst eyes trained on me as though on the edge of deciding whether or not I was the enemy.

"Trying again?" His voice was low and dangerous…and INSTINCT, seeing that this was not someone I wanted to kill, loosened up and eventually stepped down to give REASON its rightful position of power.

I jolted back and lowered my sword immediately, looking around at the carnage and at the blood and…other things…coating my cloak and face and hands. I looked like _I_ had been the one beaten, but my only wounds were the cut on my calf and the gash on my forehead, which was trickling blood down the side of my face and following the bridge of my nose—almost as though I were crying blood.

…but there were real tears, too.

My expression never wavered from empty observation, but there were tears running down my face nonetheless, betraying the pain in my soul. "I apologize," I whispered emptily, removing my cloak and turning away. With it I wiped my blade clean and replaced it in its sheath, then wiped the blood and bits of…other things…from my face and neck and hands.

I winced when someone else placed a hand on my shoulder, but this time I reacted more like a wounded animal than a battle-crazed lunatic. "Are you okay?" Gojyo asked, his voice soft with something like surprise and worry.

I shrugged his hand away and sat on one of the logs beside the fire. Pretty green and blue flames danced around my can, sending pale smoke into the air, where it dissipated like so much nothingness.

Sanzo broke the silence. "Let's go. We're not wasting any more time here." I looked up at him with a curious frown and he pinned me with a glare. "Don't just sit there. Make yourself useful and help Hakkai pack, stupid stray." That last was muttered under his breath as he made a beeline for a pack of cigarettes in the supplies bag.

I stared, but he wouldn't look at me again, an after a while my mouth twitched into a weak smile. "Thanks Sanzo," I sighed sincerely, getting off my lazy, self-absorbed ass and making myself useful.

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_**(Author's Note)**_

_Ooooh! I love writing violent scenes with blood and gore and brains and "other things" getting flung around like a Cuisinart food processor! It's my weakness, along with savage bunnies and Mountain Dew. Besides, up 'til now, Lydia was kinda seen as a moody version of Goku (at least, that's what my brain told me she was like)…when in reality she's just plain bipolar. There, I said it! Hope you liked it, cuz if you didn't you can't stop me, and the (Sanzo) party's just gettin' started! (Runs of screaming and whooping and just generally giggling like an idiot.)_

_A bazillion thanks to all my reviewers! You are all my home-slices! Fear not the bunny!_


	15. Death: It's Like a Box of Chocolates

**The Irony Gods: Chapter 15

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_**(Author's Note)**_

_Okay people, unfortunately, my account is being an uncooperative TWIT. Ergo, updates shall be slow in coming henceforth. Ergo, chapters are gonna be longer, wilder, and much, much more violently funny, so as to satisfy my needs as well as your own. ERGO, I'll probably be on happy pills within a fortnight to combat the resulting depression…_

…_what? _

_Oh, and a quickie note to ShikamaruRocks n TwistedCC, I agree with your charas. Seiten Taisei Son Goku (aka STSG…y'know, w/o the limiter?) is most certainly one o' the hottest characters in Saiyuki. Especially in this one pic…I'll put a link to it on my profile. Violent and gory…but oh, so hot. _T-T_ (shamelessly giggles)._

_ANYWAY…_

_**Quote of the Day:** "You TWIT! You ripped the LEGS off my SHIRT!" –the Goon Show (if you're confused, review me and I'll explain it to thee…hint, hint?)

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_**Death: It's Like a Box of Chocolates** _

**_(Houtou Castle, in India)_**

_Kougaiji had been under the false impression that Professor Ni's absence would last more than three days, and was severely disappointed to see the creepy, vaguely threatening human standing beside the witch in the resurrection room. He had been hearing strange rumors of a visitor helping the professor in his experiments, but he had yet to see any evidence for himself._

"_You called?" he asked tightly, restraining his ever-present urge to kill the evil woman…for the sake of his mother, of course. (Now, children, repeat after me: Oedipus Complex…very good!)_

_The professor snickered and feigned an injured tone, "What? No hello for me?" He tucked the stuffed rabbit under one arm and puffed on his cigarette, eyes as black as a moonless night watching the demon prince like a raven watching a shiny coin._

"_I have nothing to say to you, Ni," Kougaiji snapped, turning back to Gyokumen Koushu._

_The witch barked out a laugh and quickly stifled it. "You should put that anger to better use. I have yet to see any progress in your mission to retrieve the Maten scripture."_

_Kougaiji didn't reply, but did narrow his eyes the tiniest bit. He was still more than angry at the evil creature over the whole brainwashing episode. She was working him up to something, and he had a bad feeling that the mad scientist had something to do with it again. It didn't take her long to affirm his suspicions._

"_Anyway, I want you to go with Ni and meet our newest allies. They say that your assistance might prove invaluable in my beloved Gyumaoh's resurrection. I will do whatever it takes to speed this process, and if you truly care for your precious mother, you will do as he says." That was all, apparently._

"_Yes, Lady Koushu," he grumbled, shooting another glare at the Professor._

_Ni Jianyi smirked and turned toward the door. "Come come, young prince. We have guests to entertain!"

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**(Mountain Village: Kyukori)**

"Food! Food! Food! Food! Food! Food! Food! Food!" (…and so on)

"Shut _UP!_" _Thwack!_

"Owww! Wha' wuzzat for?" groaned the monkey.

"You'd think that after the first fifteen-hundred times he would have learned by now that screaming for food brings pain," Gojyo muttered to Hakkai.

"Ah-ha-ha… Yes, but then he wouldn't be Goku!"

I looked up at the taller-than-my-midget-self monocle-wearing man, fighting a smile and thoroughly kicking its ass. "Are you implying that Goku's less intelligent than a rodent?"

"What?" he asked, confused and seemingly struggling between what sort of apology he wanted to make.

"In my world, scientists did tests on mice to find out their capacity to learn. They would put food on one end of a tunnel, but the bowl would be electrified, and when the mouse tried to get food, it would be shocked. After only about four trials, the mice learned to stay away from specific foods through this behavior modification."

"And this has what to do with the chimp?" Gojyo demanded, leaning on Hakkai's shoulder as we strolled through the quaint little mountain village in search of an inn. Snow covered the ground in thick drifts, and nobody but the monkey was in a good mood…well, Hakkai doesn't count. As much as I loved the cold, my cloak was still covered in unpleasant stains and required a washing, which dampened my mood a smidge.

"He hasn't learned in over fifteen-hundred trials. That's fourteen-hundred and ninety-six more trials than a mouse."

"Fourteen-hundred and ninety-seven," the kappa corrected as the monkey earned himself another beating from Sanzo's fan.

"He may be working toward a record," suggested Hakkai.

I sighed and finally cracked a smile. Goku was waving at us to hurry—Sanzo had found a decent inn.

* * *

Inside was warm and cozy, and the sweet scent of baking sugar and fruit instantaneously disintegrated my troubles, leaving me happier than I had been in three days—the amount of time passed between leaving the battleground and arriving at the inn. For once my guilt-ridden thoughts were replaced by a sense of hope. 

_Finally_, grouched REASON. _You're so damn stubborn when you're depressed._

I ignored that, and said instead, "I smell pie."

Goku grinned widely, perking up like a puppy. "Me too! Is there pie? Can we have some?" he begged the innkeeper, a pretty young girl with short black hair and HUGE chocolate-colored eyes.

She giggled, and as she took Sanzo's card to pay for the rooms, the replied, "Yes, it is! We serve dinner in the dining room over there, and tonight's specials are homemade blueberry cheesecake andpeach pie.

"Blueberry?" I inquired, drifting closer to Goku and leaning with him across the counter. "You _did_ just say blueberry cheesecake, did you not?"

She blinked. "Oh, um, yes…it's a family recipe!"

I was _not_ about to question her methods of obtaining blueberries—did they even grow in China? _No matter!_ She was offering me my favorite dessert in the history of mankind!

"I love you!" I cried, tears of joy streaming down my face like waterfalls…this whole anime thing did wonders for outwardly expressing how I felt inside.

_Pedro is crying twin waterfalls! _my brain grumbled mockingly. I ignored the _Excel Saga_ reference—I loved that show.

Her eyes expanded like balloons. "Ahh! Here's your card, sir!" She shoved the card to Sanzo and escaped through the back door in a flash, leaving Goku and me at the desk, utterly dejected.

But—but my…blueberry cheesecake…no…

Rage filled me so quickly that I didn't think, and leapt over the desk with Goku hot on my trail. "Get back here, woman! I demand PIEEEEEEE!"

"Shit!" Gojyo threw down his cigarette, materialized his _shakujou_, and before I could say _graham cracker crust_, the chain whipped around my leg, tripped me up, and slammed me down on my face. Goku used my stunned moment to tie me up with the rest of the chain, hoist me onto his shoulder (whilst I was growling like a rabid Chihuahua), and carry me back over to the rest of them.

"Dammit, and to think I'd _wanted_ her to be in a better mood. And that girl was pretty, too. I'll never get any action with the wildcat loose," muttered the water sprite—who coincidentally, at that very moment, made himself a permanent spot on my Brutalize-With-Impact-Drill Short List.

"Bluuuueberry cheeeeesecaaaaake!" I moaned in dismay. "Put me down, Goku! I say, unhand me, Yankee!"

"We have two rooms—their only vacancies…dammit," Sanzo said, trailing off to a mutter as Hakuryu flew ahead of us up two flights of stairs and down a short hallway where two rooms waited, directly across the hall from each other.

"Hakkai and I'll take this one," Gojyo announced, swiping the key from Sanzo's hand, dragging Hakkai into the room, and locking it quickly behind the both of them.

Realizing what was going on a _little_ too late, Sanzo hammered his fist on their door, shouting, "You bastard! How dare you do this to me!"

The only response was a chuckle, muffled by the heavy wood of the door.

"Ummm, Sanzo?" Goku ventured.

"If you ask for food, I'll kill you…and your little friend, too."

I blinked, then giggled so hard that my sides hurt like a _mofo_—and I never use that term lightly, as I have learned from past experience that it is best not to say things which might get me jumped. "Oh, my sweet sanity!" I cried, laughing like an idiot. "You didn't! You did _not_ almost quote the Wicked Witch of the West!"

Sanzo's aura (for lack of a more descriptive word) did its funny little focus bit that told me he was about to beat me down, but I couldn't stop laughing. I was effectively in hysterics…maybe it was because I hadn't slept in three days due to nightmares…yeah, that might have been it.

"Shut her up," the corrupt monk commanded, unlocking the door and pulling it open. "Shut her up, or no food."

"No!" we both screamed at once. I fell silent, and my favorite monkey followed Sanzo into the room, looked at me, and seemed to realize that I was still hog-tied fairly well. He set me down gently.

"Please don't kill th' innkeeper. Sanzo'll never let us eat, an' I really wanna try that dessert!" he begged me.

I nodded. "I concur! Untie me and I shall obey, Witch o' the West be damned."

He did so and I stretched my shoulders out of their awkward cramping, then took the _shakujou_ and headed back out. "Where're ya goin'?" he asked suspiciously.

I paused in the open doorway, smiled, and replied sweetly, "I'm gonna show Gojyo the true meaning of the word 'smackdown' if that flies well with Master Sanzo."

Sanzo gave me an unconvinced glare. "You're going to do _what_ now?"

"Kill the kappa, if that's okay with you?" I raised my eyebrows, grinning.

He blinked…and…what was that? Was that…? Holy crap, it _was_! I laughed once, very loudly, and jabbed my shaking finger out in his direction. _"WHOA! YOU SMILED!"_ I practically screamed.

…which resulted in me having my head bashed hard with what I was beginning to suspect was a lead-lined fan. "Get out!" he growled, raising one booted foot, planting it squarely in the small of my back, and shoving me across the hall and hard against Hakkai and Gojyo's door.

"Hey, that was my spleen!" I complained.

"Hurry up!"

I _hmphed_ and turned back to the door, massaging my back with one hand and knocking with the hand in which I held the _shakujou_. "Oy, Gojyo, open up!"

The door clicked and opened. Gojyo was putting his hair up in a ponytail, wearing his tank top already, and looked down at me questioningly. "Yes? How may I be of service, beautiful?"

No reply. I merely punched him as hard as I could in the solar plexus, then laid the official "smackdown" by bringing my elbow down hard between his shoulder blades when he doubled over.

"Bitch!" he choked out, dropping to the floor, clutching at his stomach. "What was _that_ for!"

"Next time, don't be so rough," I replied, dropping his _shakujou_ at his side. "I'm not a pet to be chained. I'm _feral_. Please understand if I take offense to being bound." I waved and grinned at Hakkai, who was staring at the two of us with a giant sweatdrop hovering beside his head and smiling weakly. I laughed and announced, "Hey, guess what! I made Sanzo sm—_argh! My brain!_"

_Thwack! _I never saw the fan coming, and with supernatural brain-seeking abilities it had flown all the way from Sanzo on the bed beside the window, across the hall, and dead-center at the back of my skull.

I spun to glare at the culprit, but he had his back to me, smoking in deceptive peace as he looked out the open window at the falling snow. Son of a one-eyed prairie dog…

"Are you okay?" Hakkai asked me, sweatdropping like mad now.

"Why are you asking _her_!" the kappa screamed. He was ignored.

"Oh, I'm better than okay," I replied, grinning and picking up the fan. It was heavy, and I examined the folds to find that it was double-layered over something solid…lead, perhaps?

"Lydia, please don't…"—Hakkai seemed concerned for some reason…hmm.

Gojyo was slowly rising to his feet, the _shakujou_ already vanished, and gave me a bitter smile. "You're a whole lot stronger than we thought you were."

"Damn straight. Now gimme my DVD box—it's about yea big with a colorful drawing on the front—before I beat you to a bleeding mess," I replied, pointing the fan at his head, my expression carefully kept emotionally dead.

"You what?" He stared at the fan, then at me, and squinted one eye. "Can you even handle that thing?"

"I handled the youkai just fine. The fan's a cinch."

"Oh." He frowned, no longer joking, and turned to get his bag. While he rifled through it he added conversationally, "So how'd you get so strong so young? Were you that tough in your world?"

Inside, I winced, but outside, I was empty. "Yes. I've seen my fair share of melees. I scratched and clawed my way up the ranks in my gang, until the only one stronger than me was our leader. I was one of only three girls, and the other dozen and a half were big muscle-bound punks. The only one who had my respect was the only one who gave a damn about me, and that was our leader, Rafe…until he was murdered, of course. After that, I ran. I was supposed to take over, but I ran." Without realizing it, I had lowered the fan and my eyes to the floor, lost in the memory. "It was the first time I had ever hurt people on purpose…the first time I had killed on purpose…but it was the first time I was able to at least try and protect a person I cared for. This was only two years ago, before I was finally taken in by my current family…they care about me."

Someone ruffling my hair brought me back, and I jerked away instinctively. "Oh, it was just you…sorry."

The kappa handed me the _Ren and Stimpy_ box and smiled, placing his hand on my head and leaning down to my eye-level. His long bangs fell across one eye, blending crimson on crimson. "I know. Life is a pain in the ass, isn't it?" He stood and sauntered back to his bag and took out his cigarettes, lighting one and putting the pack and lighter in his pocket.

"You're wrong. It's not," I replied with conviction, looking from him to Hakkai earnestly.

"Why do you say that?" Hakkai asked, though not quite because he disagreed, but more because he was curious.

Gojyo turned and stared at me. "Yeah, why? Look at all the shit the Merciful Goddess wants us to go through for her. Look at what happened to you, getting stuck in our world. How can you not think it's a pain?"

I frowned and simply pointed across the hall.

They both gave me blank looks. "Uhh, what do you mean?" Hakkai inquired politely.

Denser than a black hole's singularity, the lot of 'em! "Don't you see? You're not alone! You have each other! And as much as you irritate each other, you'll protect each other. Plus, you manage a sense of humor. Life is nothing if not ironic, and the fact that you can see the funny parts among the sad means that it's _not_ a pain in the ass. Besides, with the monkey hopping around having a good time, how _can_ you feel sad for too long?"

"You've really thought this through, haven't you?"

I rolled my eyes. "I was alone a whole lot, Hakkai. I've tried to take my own life numerous times—and I was an idiot. I realized after a while that people wanted to save me because they cared about me, whether they admitted it or not. This may be my only chance at life. How can I waste it? Besides, I don't want to face death—he makes me nervous."

"You're afraid of dying, then?" Gojyo pressed, clearly searching me for a weakness.

I frowned, then shook my head. "Well, not quite. I'm afraid of _how_ I'm going to die. Dying is easy, but whatever makes me die might not be. For example, I wouldn't mind getting shot. At least I can't watch the bullet going in, whereas if I were _stabbed_, I'd be there the _entire time_, watching the knife go in—'Aaagh! I've been stabbed! Oh, no! I'm bleeding—it's coming back! Argh! This is the worst pain ever!' …that sort of thing."

Gojyo's eye twitched at my dramatization of me getting stabbed. "Sooooo, this all-encompassing mantra of yours would be…?"

I thought about it. "Well…I suppose it's: Death is like a box of chocolates—the last chocolate, to be more precise. Life is like cooking. If you eat the coconut, you're stuck with coconut—no going back because there's no other option. But if you screw up a meal, you can always toss out the bad and start over from scratch."

A shuffling noise brought my attention to the door. Sanzo was frowning at me.

"What?" I asked, mildly worried.

"Give me that!" He yoinked the fan from my hand and smacked me with it.

"Oww! What!" I shielded my head from further blows, but no more came.

"Don't bother talking philosophy," Sanzo replied brusquely. "Idiots like the cockroach are too thick to understand."

"Oh, you wanna fight, priesty!" up in arms in a blink of an eye, that Gojyo.

"Chill out," I sighed, dropping my hands now that I was sure I wasn't doomed. "Thanks for my DVD box."

"Huh? Oh, yeah…sure, sure…wait!"

I turned back. "Eh?"

"Here, Yumoa said that you were shouting for this one day." He handed me something cold and wrapped in yellow paper, but that scent was unmistakable…but no, it couldn't be!

I grabbed it and hugged it and fought the tears, but they came anyway and I didn't really care that much. "Thank you! Yumoa, I will love you for all eternity! I owe you my sanity!"

"What th' hell's goin' on?" Goku hurried over, saw me in fetal position on the floor hugging the wrapped package, and froze. "Is she havin' a breakdown or somethin'?"

"No, I think she's…very happy," speculated the Monopoly Man—monocles rule!

I sat up then, all business, and quickly tore the wrapping off, exposing my prize to this unfamiliar land for the first time ever. "This, my silly, silly friends, is what people in my world call a 'Big Mac' with extra cheese! Behold the glory, for I have not seen one in far too long!" Normally, MacDonald's was avoidable—like I needed all that cholesterol—but now, here, in this strange world, it was a literal godsend.

"Okay, but what is it?" Goku pressed, sniffing the tossed-aside paper. "Smells good!"

"C'mere you!" I cried, grabbing him by the shirt and dragging him out the door. We entered our room, seated ourselves at the table, and I placed the sandwich in the middle and explained every fact I knew of the burger's origins.

* * *

"Wow…that's amazing!" he murmured ten minutes later. Hakkai and Gojyo were getting ready to go down for dinner, and Sanzo was waiting impatiently on his bed for us to finish. I got the feeling that for once he was humoring our stupidity…how _sweet_. 

"Now, I don't do this often, but I'll share with you," I said, splitting the sandwich in half and handing one part of it to him. "Don't eat it fast, 'cause I can't be sure when you'll get another chance."

I savored my own, giggling sporadically the entire time, for once loving every greasy bit of the heathen burger. Goku, on the other hand, sat in silence throughout, sort of staring off into the unseen distance. I was done before he was, and even when I called his name, he didn't respond, just chewed slowly with one eye half-squinted in concentration.

"Uh, Sanzo, what's wrong with him?" I turned to the monkey's owner, as sweatdrop clinging to my head like before—and like before, I removed it and stuck it in my pocket.

He opened his droopy, ever-melancholy eyes a sliver, but even that was enough to allow a flash of that unnaturally jewel-like violet. "You've overtaxed his tiny monkey brain."

"Wow. How do we wake him up?"

His eyes closed again, and he took a long drag on his cigarette. "Wait for him to finish."

I frowned at Goku. It would have been funny, if not for Sanzo's brooding presence. The guy really knew how to be a killjoy. "Um, if you're tired of waiting, I don't mind keeping an eye on him while he finishes," I suggested slowly.

"I think I'll stay."

That earned him a dubious stare. "And why is that? I thought you'd be all gung-ho about ditching me."

"We won't be doing that."

Okay, that earned him a dubious stare, a bugging eye, and The Temple Twitch from Hell. "Say what?"

"I'm not repeating myself."

"But why? No offense, but I know I irritate the hell outta you, which _probably_ means you hate my guts, so what's with the sudden decision to keep me around?" I actually stood in my confusion. Something had happened—I was sure of it now. Higeki and the boys had had a chat, and this was the result. "What did Tragedy tell you?"

He never moved, never even looked up, just sat there smoking. "Why?"

"Because…because I know you don't trust me…and that hurts. I just want to know what she said. I know she and Yumoa can't take me home, but still…if I'm gonna be imposing myself, I at least want to know enough to watch myself."

His eyes opened a crack, but he said nothing. It could be seen as a sort of progress—at least, in Sanzo's case, it could.

I pressed on, grabbing at any and all memories and hints previously noted in my subconscious to draw my conclusions. "Is it that you think I'll snap again? They told you what caused it, didn't they? Konran is after me for some reason, right? The only thing I don't know is why!"

Silence dragged on until I thought I would have to demand answers outright…but then he sighed in mild exasperation and said flatly, "According to your gods, this Konran guy is your divine equivalent—whatever the hell that means."

I blinked. "They're not my gods."

_That _seemed to faze him. "What? Then why the hell are you yelling at them all the time?"

I shrugged. "I saw them once, when I was really little, before even the voices started talking to me. They visited a few times—there were four gods total—and every time they came, weird things happened to my parents or me. Funny things—ironic things…and so I called them Irony Gods when I got older." I laughed a little at the stupidity. "I blamed them for all the weird crap that ever happened to me at awkward moments."

"I see…" He was frowning.

"Well, I'm glad you're not blind," I replied with a real smile.

He frowned even harder. "Go down to the diner with Gojyo and Hakkai. I'll wait for this idiot."

_Hmm…that must mean things are cool again_, surmised REASON.

I chuckled and headed out.

"Lydia."

He was still frowning as I turned back around to face him, but his eyes contrasted slightly with the rest of his expression in such a way as to make me suspect that he was trying to hide another smile…I let it go—once was enough, and at least I was learning self-control.

"Sanzo?"

"The _monkey _irritates the hell out of me, too."

* * *

_**(Author's Note…again)**_

_Ooh, that was one of my better endings…heeee…I love writing._

_To those of you who have read all the way through to this chapter, kudos! Sorry it was long, but I have to get as much up as I can while I can from now on, and updates won't be a daily event any longer...HOWEVER, this also means that I'll probably be posting two chapters at a time henceforth (it's shorter than saying "from now on"). This should make you very perky and happy…'cause if you're not… --_GLARE--

_Special lurid thanky dance (props to JCV) to chaosbfly, Shikamaru n TwistedCC, London Suicide, and now (new member to my happy list!) Ocean Queen Kai n zee OC-hatin' friend! (You all is my friends) _

_Oh…and Cow, I WANT MY DVDs BACK, DAMN YOU! I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!_

_Cyh Scaevola (ChaosTheoryst13) OUTIE!_


	16. Cannibalism: You Are Whom You Eat

**The Irony Gods: Chapter 16

* * *

**

_**(Author's Note)**_

_This is a repost. You all have permission to dispose of me on sight for screwing up Hwan's name. (ARGH! KILLME**NOW**!) I'm using the spelling from page 180 of the fourth manga. If that's wrong, yell at Tokyopop._

_**Quote of the Day**: "No little stammerer's blood ever stained the Rostra with crimson." –Juvenal (My Favorite Roman Satirist EVER…he's the meanest, most bitter, sarcastic, cranky old coot ever grace the face of this Earth. And he's hilarious.) _

_Basically, it means that people who suck at speaking and writing are never articulate enough to make enemies through their work, because nobody likes to read or listen to brainless prattling. Cicero, the man whose blood stains the Rostra with crimson in this quote, was assassinated for this exact reason—he was too proficient at changing people's minds, ergo the head honcho ordered his hands to be cut off and nailed to the doors of the senate building. Whoopah…that's why I love this stuff.

* * *

__**Cannibalism: You Are Whom You Eat**_

"_I like this part!" Professor Ni giggled with glee, waving Snuggles' stuffed arm in the air as the computer simulation played itself out. "And then it's bye-bye to our little party!" he cheered in a high voice._

_Kougaiji had watched in silence throughout the whole clip, but once it was finished, he grabbed Ni roughly by the lapels of his lab coat and demanded angrily, "Do you have any idea how many of our soldiers will die! You sick, demented lunatic, I **cannot** allow **this**!"_

_Ni's expression remained bland and condescending as Kou manhandled him, and once he was shoved back down into his computer chair he replied blandly, "This is Lady Koushu's wish. May I remind you that if you don't cooperate, your precious mommy will be trapped forever?"_

_The professor grinned as he saw the prince cringe slightly at the thought. It was fun to be a ghost—nobody could kill you if you were already dead. _

"_You will assist us," Konran murmured dangerously from his shadowy post, leaning one shoulder against a filing cabinet behind the computer screens. He toyed with a large bird perched upon his wrist, obscured by the glare of the screens. The only clear part of him was his eyes, which glowed faintly like bluish-green fireflies, and surveyed their surroundings from time to time with an air of anticipation. He would have what he believed to be his. "We need Lydia, but not before she is ready. The only way is to make her kill and kill and kill and kill…" He trailed off with a chuckle, and then added with a wicked, pointy smile, "Regardless of the body count, this must be done…unless you have a better way to drive our innocent over the edge of madness?"_

"_You're both sick," growled Kou, clenching his clawed fists and resisting the urge to strike out. He knew too well how things had turned out with Homura, and how Ni had manipulated him to erase his emotions. To fight now could be disastrous to the people he cared for. He had to keep this in mind._

_Suddenly, Konran was gone from his hiding spot. Kougaiji tensed and took a step back. Where—_

"_Little prince," whispered the eerie voice beside his ear. _

_He twisted away in a flash and faced the menacing "god" with a scowl to hide his apprehension._

_Konran perched the large raven on the computer monitor beside him and fed it a piece of raw bloody meat, then turned back to Kou. "I was not joking—that is my cousin's forte," Konran informed him shortly. "If you have a method somewhere in this castle capable of driving Lydia the last few feet into insanity, I welcome your suggestion. Otherwise, I expect to see youkai departing for the Sanzo party's location in droves."_

_Kougaiji had nothing—nothing he knew of, at least. Zakuro was Gyokumen Koushu's dog to call, so that was out—and he disliked him anyway. As much as he hated to be cornered, he had no other option._

"_Protect what is precious to you," Snuggles the rabbit squeaked, puppet-mastered by the mad professor._

"_Damn you, Ni!" the prince snarled, glaring at the twisted human._

_And then the entire mood shifted without warning, because that was Comedy's entire purpose._

"_Honey, I'm HO-OME!" sang Yumoa, materializing and sliding on his knees across the entire scene in a manner reminiscent of the movie "Superstar", which happened to be one of his favorites. He ran one hand through his hair flirtatiously, and posed for Konran. "Hello, dearest cousin! Didja miss me, big boy?"_

_Konran sweatdropped. He only ever sweatdropped for Yumoa, and it bothered him. He didn't like the way things operated in this plane of existence, but it was endurable for the prize he had in mind. "Get up, you fool," he sighed in exasperation._

"_Ah, but insults are only insulting if the insult **doesn't** happen to be a title of the insultee," the god of Comedy quipped cheerfully. "Some do call me the Fool—Shakespeare did me great honor in that respect."_

"_Dammit, get off the floor!" Yumoa was also the only person in existence who could make Konran lose his temper within a record-shattering eight seconds._

"_You're no fun," he grumbled, getting to his feet and scuffing his bare heel dejectedly against the tiles._

_Konran saw his feet, and blinked in confusion despite himself. "Where are your shoes?"_

"_Huh?" He plopped back down on his butt (Konran massaged his throbbing temple) and picked up a foot in his hands, studying it intently._

_Kougaiji sneezed…but no one noticed._

_Three minutes later, as Konran began drawing his brand new never-before-stained katana to slaughter his older first cousin, Yumoa cried, "I have no shoes!"_

_Konran's eye twitched. He sheathed his katana, patiently untied it from his black leather belt, and immediately began swatting at Yumoa with it, shouting angrily, "You…useless…harebrained…ignoramus! How am I supposed to get anything important done with you running around like your own two-year-old evil twin!" _

"_Owie! Owie! Chitsujo! Konran's hitting me again! Make 'im stop!"_

_Kougaiji left…but no one noticed._

_A tall, slender woman with a severe visage, straight white-blond hair to the floor, and eyes as yellow as a cat's materialized beside Konran and caught her brother's wrist on a downswing. "You know by now that it's useless to hit him," she stated without variation in tone. Chitsujo was not known for emotional outbursts, and she took great pride in this—she also was not known for playing the role as big sister, which did not bother her one bit. She simply despised the sort of disorder which Yumoa and Konran always seemed to be causing whenever they were in the same vicinity._

_Konran regained his composure, sighed, and retied his katana to his hip. "Soon I will be able to escape that idiot," he muttered to his sister._

"_That idiot is of our blood. We must honor at least that." She looked over her shoulder and watched Yumoa stand up and dust himself off. Immortality was the only thing saving that rascal's life, she was certain of it._

_Konran straightened out his clothing, which had been disheveled by his attempt on Yumoa's life, folding down the collar of the black dragon-embroidered silk dress shirt (never tucked in, not for anything—**ever**) and brushing down his slim black jeans. The only color he ever wore was black—his sister, white. Chaos and Order were the difference between night and day, but they were twins nonetheless, Order being the eldest by a mere forty-four minutes._

"_Where is Higeki then," he demanded, looking daggers at the resident idiot._

"_She's in her room, probably sulking," Yumoa replied with a pout that made the Chaos god want to ram his fist down his cousin's throat._

"_Fine. I'll get my report from **her**." He looked at Ni, who had been watching the show the entire time in interest and amusement._

_The mad professor smirked, the cigarette hanging so close to the edge of his mouth that it was a wonder it hadn't fallen out. "What? Please don't stop on my account. We enjoyed that very much, right Snuggles? You should have him go help Dr. Hwan." A crafty, somewhat perverse grin flitted across his face._

"_Professor!" a frazzled woman cried indignantly from the other lab._

_Konran looked at the door, then at his cousin, who was fidgeting from foot to foot like an antsy puppy wanting to play. "Go ahead," he relented._

_Yumoa let out a cry of sheer, unadulterated joy and bounded off to play with his new friend._

"_You really are sick," Konran informed Ni, quirking an eyebrow at the snickering madman._

_Ni grinned and spun his chair back to the computer screen, beginning to type with one hand while waving at Konran with the other in a shooing motion. "Go on now and talk to little Tragedy. I'm sure she's waiting impatiently. Oh, and do make sure that the young prince doesn't get any ideas. He's notorious for defying my experiments." _

"_Oh, I think I can persuade him," chuckled Chaos, shoving one hand in a pocket and leaving abruptly with his other hand on the katana's hilt._

_Chitsujo frowned at the mad professor's simulation. So much death and disorder, all for her brother's whims. She shook her head and turned to go as well. "Well, at least I will enjoy cleaning up after him," she mused.

* * *

_

**_(Meanwhile, in Hwan's lab)_**

"_Hey, what's this do?"_

"_Don't touch that!" Hwan cried, leaping between the god and her computer components._

_There was a loud _beep_ as she accidentally sat on the keyboard, and she turned around and gaped in horror as three months of research and equations _beeped_ out of existence. "Oh, no…"_

_Yumoa shook his head. "No, I mean this!" He picked up one of the windup toys that the licentious professor had left on her table and flipped the catch, smiling blissfully when the toy penguin waddled around on the metal surface. "Aww, he's so cute!"_

_Not for the first time, Dr. Hwan deeply considered killing herself…then tossed the idea out when the rational fear popped into her head that Ni might turn her corpse into his newest "toy"._

"_AARGH! Why do the gods hate me?" she bemoaned._

_Yumoa perked up. "Huh? I don't hate you."_

_Dr. Hwan twitched, then gave him the cold shoulder, and began the arduous task of recompiling her database._

"_What'd I do?" whimpered the disparaged Comedy god, sitting back on the floor and pouting as he tried to recall where his shoes had gone.

* * *

_

**(Kyukori: After Dinner)**

I had cried silently the entire time, weeping tears of sheer happiness, praising every god to ever have existed for allowing me something so beautiful.

"I am **so** sorry about trying to kill you earlier!" I cried, abasing myself at the feet of our illustrious chef and begging for forgiveness. "I was starving and crazed, and you fed me this beautiful cheesecake, and now I must repay you!"

Dinner had been awesome (as well as dangerous, due to the fact that my favorite cockroach and my favorite monkey were incapable of consuming food within three meters of each other without commencing battle over the _gyouza_), but the dessert had been _divine_. I was about two apologies and one groveling session away from pledging allegiance to the innkeeper-slash-aforementioned illustrious chef.

Sanzo fixed that via a firm thrashing, compliments of the fan o' steel.

"Do you _not_ know how to behave in public?" he questioned, gripping the fan's handle tightly. He wasn't putting it away anytime soon. "Do you even _possess_ common sense?"

"I have it. I just choose to ignore it." I then mimicked his frown and entered into a staring contest with Señor Crankypanalones. The innkeeper laughed nervously and edged away.

Five minutes later, he hadn't cracked, and I hadn't cracked. Hakkai ordered a second round of desserts, as they were bound to be there a while, along with a bottle of _sake_ for him and Gojyo. Gojyo kept looking from me to Sanzo and back to me, as though waiting for the moment when one of us would strike. Goku muffled his intermittent laughter with an arm, pretending to be wiping his mouth on a sleeve.

Twenty minutes later, my forehead hurt from frowning so much, and Gojyo had begun constructing an elaborate edifice of chopsticks with Hakkai as master architect. Goku simply continued to watch the contest, idly munching on some more of that cheesecake.

…That…that beautiful, creamy cheesecake. A piece of it sat below my chin, mere centimeters away, wafting seductive aromas up my nose to torment me. The blueberries had been sweet and ripe…she had put just enough sugar to maintain the tang while giving it that sweet savor.

About four minutes into the new slice of cheesecake, I realized that I had lost the staring contest. Sanzo sat with his arms folded smugly, smoking a cigarette and smirking to himself.

My jaw dropped, and my eyes dropped to the cheesecake before me. "Witchcraft!" I accused, pointing angrily at my cake. "You've ruined me! I thought you were my friend!" I began stabbing the cheesecake furiously with my chopsticks.

"Lydia?" Hakkai asked uncertainly, still smiling, but more creeped out than amused.

"Traitorous cheesecake! Thou hast offended mine honor!" I cried, stabbing even harder.

Once it was a pasty mess, I began to eat it with rabid ferocity. Gojyo found this incredibly disturbing, for some odd reason.

"Um, Lydia, you're eating it now," he pointed out. "If it's your enemy, then why are you eating it?"

I chuckled evilly, casting a furtive glance around the nearly empty dining room, and replied, "If you eat your slain enemies, you absorb their powers. I read it in a book once."

They all gaped at me—well, _Sanzo_ merely raised one eyebrow and frowned in my general direction—and Goku asked timidly, "Really? So if I ate Kougaiji, I could use his fire powers an' stuff?"

"**_What?_**" cried Gojyo. "You can't do that!"

"Ah, no, I don't think she means it that way," Hakkai laughed nervously.

A tic began to jump at on Sanzo's temple, but I ignored it.

"Have you ever heard the saying that you are what you eat?" I asked the monkey.

"Yeah, I think so. Why?" His huge golden eyes were filled with the light of curiosity…or maybe they were just so big that they reflected light like cats' eyes.

"That's where the concept comes from. If you eat a person, you can become that person!"

He was really excited now. "Really? I could be Sanzo!"

Sanzo actually fell out of his chair. As in, he was so startled by the statement that the force of the words themselves shoved him out of his seat and knocked him to the floor.

Of course, he leapt up in an instant and began to beat me with his fan while I tried to both laugh and protect my vital organs all at once. "Stop corrupting my monkey! Stupid, feral, stray cat!" he shouted, disturbing the few patrons occupying the small diner:

"_That poor girl! Why is he hitting her?" "Where did that fan come from?" "Aren't those monk robes he's got on? Why is he so angry and violent?" "Isn't that the girl who tried to cut Isumu's throat?" and so on…_

"All right, I swear I won't corrupt your monkey!" I cried at length, hiding under the table while he cooled down and took his seat again…and kicked me hard in the small of my back, which still hurt from the last time, FYI.

"Owww," I complained.

"Get out from under there!" he commanded loudly.

Slowly I crept out, peering over the top of the table at the angry monk, just to be sure. No fan was present, but he was glaring at me again as though I had crashed his new Ferrari Enzo, and would be performing an impromptu execution momentarily. Yeesh, and all I did was tell Goku some invaluable info on the absorption of enemy powers. People, I swear.

I sat back down and ate the rest of my cake in silence, gazing absently out the window at the orange sky and glittering tangerine-lit snow drifts. It was so pretty outside.

"Hey, Goku, come with me," I said, standing once I was done and heading for the door with my coat in tow.

"Why? Where are we goin'?" he asked, glancing back nervously as Sanzo watched us with a suspicious frown.

"I'm gonna teach you how to build a snowman my way!" I laughed, pushing open the door and running out into the deep snow. He followed me to a spot away from pedestrian traffic, near the side of the inn, and watched me start gathering the icy fluff into a ball.

"What should I do?"

"Here, just copy my method," I replied, showing him how to form the perfect spheres, then roll them around to make them bigger. He was stronger than I was, so once they got too big, he was happy to help roll them further or pick them up and carry them to the desired locations.

About thirty minutes in, the gas lamps around the inn were lit, adding enough light to the darkening surroundings for us to finish. All we needed now were a few sticks for arms, some coal for the eyes, and some other little scraps for random details.

I scanned the ground. "Goku, do you see any sticks anywhere about as long as an arm?"

"Ummm. Here." He went over to a pile of kindling and picked out a few good pieces, bringing them back and setting them at my feet.

Another ten minutes of shaping and carving and having Goku lift the heavy snowballs, and I declared it mission accomplished.

"Whoa, that's kinda creepy," monkey murmured.

I chuckled and hooked an arm around his neck, giving him another quick noogie, then tousling his thick, long hair—Goku had some awesome hair. It was really soft, yet still did its sticky-uppy trick. "It's _art_," I corrected with certainty. "When I was younger, I read this comic called Calvin and Hobbes, and every winter Calvin and his best friend Hobbes would build snowmen. Difference was, Calvin's snowmen had real personality."

He frowned a little and looked at me, "So didja do this with your best friend, too?"

My grin faded. I let go of him and fidgeted slightly. "Well…no. You see…"

"Goku."

We both turned and saw Sanzo standing under the gas lamp a few feet away, arms folded and smoking in relative peace (for him, that is). "Hey, Sanzo!" Goku said excitedly, forgetting about the question and hurrying over to his master. "Check out th' snowmen we made! Awesome, huh?"

Sanzo surveyed the dramatic snow scene: One snowman was "buried" up to his chest in a snow drift while two others were apparently preparing to hack him apart with an old hatchet we had found leaning against the inn beside the kindling. The victim's mouth was wide open in a silent scream with one arm flung out to protect himself, and the other two had wicked grins made from rows of stones.

"I thought I told you to stop corrupting him?" Sanzo muttered, somewhat exasperated.

I shrugged. "Sorry."

"Goku, go inside and make sure Gojyo doesn't escape Hakkai and go after the innkeeper."

The monkey looked to me, then back to Sanzo. "What're you gonna do to Lydia? You're not gonna smack her again, are ya, 'cause she's really nice to me."

"Go inside!" the priest snapped.

"Promise not to hit her!"

I interrupted, "Don't worry about me, monkey-boy. I'm not about to let him take me out with a piece of paper."

"All right then, I guess," he grumbled, heading back in and closing the door firmly behind him.

I turned all my attentions on the monk before me. "What's up? Am I correct in suspecting that this isn't about the snowman massacre over yonder?"

"Yes. We're going for a little walk." At that, he turned and headed down the street without another word.

* * *

"Wait!" I trotted ahead and fell into step beside him. Was he losing it? Did Sanzo ever even _take_ walks?

Before I could ask anything he said, "Well, are you going to thank me?"

"Eh? What for?" I gave him a dumbfounded stare and nearly tripped over an iced-over footprint in the snow. My legs were starting to feel numb, but the walking would take care of that.

"You have no best friend, do you? The monkey was asking, but you weren't answering."

This time I did trip, slip, and land hard on my rear with a muffled yelp of pain. Once again, my coccyx was getting a thrashing. "How long were you watching us?" I demanded, more that a little weirded out.

"Not long." He waited for me to get myself up, then we continued on.

After another minute of him not talking and me avoiding the issue, I finally cracked and said bitterly, "Fine, you're right, I have no best friend. I only have acquaintances—never friends."

"Why?" For once I couldn't discern his expression at all.

I frowned at him. "I don't see why that's any of your business. What's with the sudden interest in my social life? Are you doing this to point out how I can't have friends here, either? Or is this your way of beating around an issue you don't want to confront?"

"Are you stupid?" he demanded.

"Eh? About what?"

"The monkey doesn't hate you, and the cockroach doesn't hate you, and Hakkai doesn't hate you, so why do you think you have no friends here?" his tone was more than a little hostile.

"Huh, but of course you don't care," I mused, smiling sadly. "Thought so. I would expect nothing more from Genjyo Sanzo, formerly known as Kouryuu, formerly known as Konzen Douji"

He glared at me. "Don't twist my words. This is about more gods interrupting our mission, and somehow _you_ are at the center of all of it, and the three idiots are hell bent on saving your ass." Then he stopped talking, and his glare transformed into something akin to shock and indignation. "What did you just say?"

"Me? Oh, nothing. Just thought I'd point out in a nice, non-threatening way that I'm not stupid. I know more about each of you than you than you know about each other—probably. However, I'm not sharing information you don't want the others knowing because I don't know what the consequences might be."

"You'd better not be expecting some sort of thank you from me," he groused, trudging on and turning his back to me with a stubborn hunch of his shoulders. Well, at least I could make him uncomfortable—it was worth it.

"Never!" I gasped in mock surprise, following after a thought. "Now that you're thoroughly discomfited, would you mind telling me what the hell compelled you to take me for a walk? More specifically, I'm expecting you to explain to me what the hell went on while I was kicking Goku and Yumoa's asses at Go-Fish."

"I thought you lost," he murmured, knowing damn well that it would irritate me. Luckily, he answered my question before I decided to kick him. "Higeki said that you and Konran have some sort of connection, like two halves of something. Apparently, if he gets what he wants, and you end up on his side, he'll be able to control you and use you to destroy whatever he tells you to."

Say _what_? Maybe he _needed_ a kick to the head…it might be able to fix whatever was wrong with him. "Um, in case you, y'know, hadn't previously noted: I'm not leaving, regardless of what _you_ or anyone else says. I'm having way too much fun corrupting your monkey and beating up your cockroach and watching Hakkai and you play the role of mommy and daddy."

That tic on his cheek started twitching again as he slowly turned to glower at me. "This isn't a joke, stupid feline. The Tragedy goddess wasn't making shit up off the top of her head. Whatever it is, _some_thing is going to happen. And as much as I would like to get rid of yet one more headache, doing that might just make things worse. Besides, after what I've seen you do so far, I can't be sure that you won't snap again and kill yourself."

He folded his arms, apparently thinking. "Konran was behind that, too, according to what I've gathered from the depressed ten-year-old. Dammit. I don't need this." He flicked away the ashes and took another drag.

I stuck out my tongue and caught a falling snowflake with a smile, then chuckled as he scowled some more at my shenanigans. "You do realize that all the stress you put yourself through is unnecessary, I hope? It's okay if you keep putting yourself through it, because I know that you won't change for anything or anyone, but only as long as you're aware." My smile waned a bit and I sighed, "I know, Sanzo. You don't need to tell me. I'm stupid and I'm a pain in your ass. I don't mind, though. If Konran wants me, he'll have to come here himself and take me, because I'm not going of my own volition."

"And if he does try and take you? Higeki mentioned that he might be involved with Kougaiji's forces, and the only way that idiot would ever join forces with a god is if he might get the Maten scripture out of it."

"Well, aren't you the keen detective, young Sherlock," I crooned mockingly. "Well, der yer der. He's either after the scripture, or his father's whore is forcing him into it."

"Who?"

I brushed the question aside, "The puppet master, of course. You'll meet her eventually, I suspect, so I'm not giving you any information on it. Anyway, so if Kougaiji is involved, then how do you think it will make a difference?"

"We'll probably be seeing him soon, I suppose." He shrugged slightly. "If he thinks I'm letting the scripture out of my sight again, he's even more of an idiot than I originally thought."

"Hey, be nice. He's doing it for his mom…but don't let anyone know I told you that. Rasetsunyo, Kougaiji's mother, is currently sealed away, and the only reason why he fights is to protect her and break that seal." I stopped myself and shook my head at the expectant leer he was giving me. "But that's all beside the point. If he comes, I'm not going. If Konran comes, I'm still not going. I don't know _what_ that guy's smoking, thinking that I would ever willingly hand myself over to him…"

We walked around a stone well near the edge of the small village, then headed back the way we came. He peered at me with one eye through a fall of golden hair, preparing another cigarette in under eight seconds and inhaling deeply. "Hey, how much _do_ you know about us?" The smoke hovered through the air like the tail of a dragon.

"Too much," I replied shortly. "And that's why my lips are sealed. I know about most of the major moments of all your lives—but I'm not divulging, as I've said."

He was quiet for a moment as he smoked a little more, then muttered at last, "Good. I don't have to kill you, then."

I raised a dubious eyebrow at him. "Ooh, I should bow now, shouldn't I? Or maybe I'll abase myself totally? Oh! I think I'll offer myself as a virgin sacrifice to Kannon, for being so merciful to me for once!"

"Shut up or I'll kill you anyway!" he barked, whipping the fan out and holding it high for a strike.

I merely grinned. "There's the Sanzo I know and love! Now stop being sappy. It's creepy coming from you."

He gaped at me as I sprinted away to the inn and skidded in just in time to see Goku and Hakkai getting up from the table.

"What did Sanzo want?" my semi-simian companion asked eagerly, hopping over with those big puppy eyes all worried about me. I ruffled his hair with a grin.

"Oh, he just gave me some info about what Higeki said. Apparently, I'm a wanted girl." I shrugged, then added, "No big deal. I'll just make sure to hang around you and let you do the ninja monkey thing."

"Ehhh…?" About half of my explanation had been a bit cryptic, so it was understandable that he would be slightly confused.

"No worries, mate," I assured him in my best Australian accent. "I'm with the Sanzo gang for the duration of my stay, so I'll be fine, and we'll all kick some celebratory enemy ass in the process."

Hakkai laughed pleasantly at Sanzo as he trudged in and shook the thick clods of snow off the hem of his robes, "I take it that the conversation went well?"

"I'm going to bed," growled the priest.

"I'm beat, too," I interjected. "I haven't slept in like three _days_."

He glared at me—though it wasn't because of irritation or anything…he was just overly accustomed to glaring a lot—and demanded, "Why haven't you been sleeping? You sure _looked_ like you were asleep."

"Eew! You were _watching me_?" I demanded.

Gojyo heard that statement with finely tuned perversion-sensing ears and appeared at Sanzo's side in an instant. "Really, Sanzo? I had no idea you were into the young ones!" he teased.

"**_I'll kill you!"_ **both Sanzo and I cried at once, immediately pummeling him with whatever weapons we had handy—Sanzo used his fan, and I used my sheathed sword.

"Sicko," I mumbled, stomping up the stairs to get ready for sleep. Gojyo was foaming at the mouth and twitching on the floor as Sanzo kicked him a few more times for good measure.

* * *

A shower and a brand-new set of PJ's later and I padded over to my room, opening the door and finding one lamp lit. Goku was already asleep, sprawled across one bed like the monkey he was and snoring loudly.

"You're sharing with the ape," Sanzo informed me, sitting with his back against the wall, beside the open window, and smoking. "Don't complain when he kicks you, either. You get no sympathy from me."

"Whatever ya say, maestro," I sighed, too exhausted to argue. I shoved Goku over—he mumbled "meatbuns" in classic Goku fashion—and I took a corner and curled up on my side with the blanket pulled up to my chin. I could see Sanzo watching me again, but I ignored him and attempted to sleep…it didn't go too well.

"Oy, take this."

I opened my eyes in time to see the bottle and catch it one-handed—all that stupid reaction training in kickboxing had had purpose after all. I squinted at the bottle, "What is this?"

"Take it," he repeated.

I gave him the irritated scowl he deserved, but popped the cork out and drank a big gulp. It was smooth and sweet, but with a bit of a minty tang. "What is it?" I murmured.

"That should be enough." He held his hand out and I tossed it back, and he caught it by the neck and pointed at my pillow. "Now sleep." His hair hid most of his face, but the demonic violet eyes glittered in the moonlight past all the hair.

I frowned, but something was up, and my limbs and lids felt too heavy. Yes…sleep…I settled down and curled up on my side again. "'Night, Sanzo," I mumbled, drifting off almost instantly.

* * *

_**(Author's Note)**_

(o.O) _Heh-heh…I've always wanted to have Sanzo drug Lydia. She talks so much that it's a wonder he hasn't done it sooner. This one was long, wasn't it? But I needed to get Kougaiji and Ni in the same room as Konran, and I wanted Yumoa to completely shatter Konran's big bad attitude. I also couldn't help but add that bit with Hwan. I like how she reacts to embarrassing or stressful situations. Oh, and the cannibal/corrupting my monkey bit was irresistible_

…_I straightened my hair…but the stuff I used said that I couldn't wash it for 48 hours, and when it rained on me I started to smell like a wet dog…_**T.T**…but it worked though! I love straight hair, especially when it's on _MY _head!

8-8 (I'm all teary-eyed) _It's so nice to post! WHEEEEEEEE!_


	17. Subconsciousness: Deducing the Obscure

**The Irony Gods: Chapter 17 ****

* * *

**

_**(Author's Note)**_

_This opening scene is awesome, and the ending scene is adorable. Heeeeee… Why is it that I love the hopelessly adorable **as well as** the senselessly gory and violent? When I told my balding 28 yr-old teacher that my parents don't believe in ADHD, he gave me the funniest look in the world. The look basically expressed these words: "For the love of all things sane and sacred, **YOU'RE NOT ON MEDICATION?**" …And what did I do? _

_**I smiled.**_

_Hee-hee…I live for this crap._

_**Quote of the Day**: "God, help me, I'm out of **blood**! **Someone get me more blood!**" –Frank, P.A.N.I.C.S. **

* * *

**_

_**Subconsciousness: Deducing the Obscure **_

_**(Kyukori: 7 AM)**_

_Sanzo awoke earlier than usual, and did two things simultaneously: He cursed himself for picking the bed next to the eastward-facing window, and he sat up to make sure the two animals hadn't strangled each other to death in their sleep._

_Holding up one leather-clad arm to block the intensifying ball of orange light, he leaned back against the wall beside the fenestration and frowned at the bizarre scene before him._

_As usual, Goku's midget body managed to occupy roughly eighty percent of the bed, but despite this fact, Lydia was bundled up on her side like a kitten, exactly opposite of where she had started, and had apparently found no discomfort in sharing the same sleeping-space as the acrobatic monkey. In fact, she was clinging to half of the chimp's hair like a stuffed animal, and every time he snored, she growled like a pint-size tigress._

"_Hmph." Sanzo reached for his smokes and lit one up._

_The girl twitched, as though startled, and he frowned at her._

"_So you're awake," he muttered, taking a hit and tapping the ash into the tray on the windowsill._

_She squirmed a bit and gripped the monkey's hair a little more tightly, then mumbled something, "…Sanzo…here…it…him."_

_He leaned forward, drawing his knees up and resting his elbows lightly on them. "Make some sense!"_

_There was a long pause, then she let out a heavy sigh and spoke a bit more loudly, though still in a mumble. "I can sense him…Konran is here…waiting for it…can't let me go to him."_

_Sanzo went on alert, gun in hand and checking all vulnerable areas to make sure they were secure. "What does he want so damn early in the morning?" he demanded._

"_Puppet…" she replied. Nothing else was added, and his frown turned into a scowl._

"_Why are you still lying there if he's here for you? And what the hell does he want a puppet for?"_

_There was gentle tap on the door and Hakkai's voice asking, "Sanzo? I heard a commotion. Is everything okay in there?" He opened the door and saw Sanzo with the gun's safety off and the hammer already drawn back. Instinctively, he checked the hall, but after seeing nothing suspicious, he entered and closed up behind him._

"_Lydia said she sensed Konran," Sanzo explained briefly._

_Hakkai saw the two teens nestled quite comfortably on the second bed and drew nearer to see Lydia better. A moment later he chuckled softly and turned back to Sanzo with an easy smile. "She's still asleep. She talks in her sleep, apparently." How ironic, that all the ones who did strange things in their sleep had been herded into the same room. Sanzo shouted death threats, Goku slept with his eyes open on occasion, and now Lydia carried on conversations._

_Sanzo got up off the bed, unconvinced, and frowned down at the growling animal when he realized that Hakkai was right. "Bullshit. I was **talking** to her!"_

_While he puttered around and made coffee—Sanzo's room was the only one with a small kitchen included—Hakkai suggested, "Ask her some questions, Sanzo. She is asleep, no matter how hard you try to convince yourself that she isn't. If she can hear you and answer you, then maybe we can gather some information that would otherwise be more difficult to obtain."_

"_Like what?" He sat down in a chair beside the bed and scowled at Goku as his legs and arms flailed a little before he settled down again and snored loudly. Miraculously, Lydia dodged every blow with a soft growl and resettled as well, still clinging to the monkey's hair._

"_Ask her subconscious about the new gods. That should be enlightening. Maybe somewhere in there she knows what's going on with Konran."_

_The monk sighed and blew the stream of smoke off to one side, away from the animals—he didn't want them waking up and creating mass panic so early in the morning. If she talked in her sleep, then why hadn't he noticed? They'd all been sharing the same tent for three nights. _

_Then he frowned again. Oh, that was right; she hadn't slept at all those nights due to nightmares. _

_He smirked. Misery loved company, even old misery._

"_Oy, stupid stray, what was that puppet you were talking about?" he asked finally, submitting to curiosity and the need to gather some information other than what the sad goddess had given._

_She growled again—or rather,** this** time it sounded more like a purr. "The gate was cracked…he saw opportunity…but needs other half, like one coin."_

_There was more nonsense in that statement than there was in all the ridiculous sutras he'd ever had to chant throughout his life **combined**. However, he checked his anger. It would be stupid to wake her up now. "Is there any way for you to explain that better?"_

"_I was cracked—my mind and soul…control his power flow…but if I break more…chaos rules…" She frowned deeply and groaned a little. "I must…have to…if I lose…no control…kill you all."_

_Little by little, she was starting to make an iota of sense. "He wants you to break? You're here because he is?"_

"_Two halves, Sanzo…Controlled Chaos…when half is whole…broken half…Chaos controls…combined and has puppet."_

"_Is this what Higeki meant about you being Konran's worldly equivalent?"_

_She sighed, as though relieved that Sanzo understood—which annoyed him because **she** was the one being cryptic to begin with. The fact that she was asleep only annoyed him further, seeing as how he couldn't yell at her about being cryptic. She'd probably go ballistic and start swinging her sword around—which was tucked firmly under one of her arms._

"_Thinking dark thoughts?" Hakkai inquired, sitting down at the table and placing a cup of coffee near Sanzo._

_He took the coffee and sipped the hot drink slowly. "I'm just pissed that I can't yell at her for being stupid while she's asleep," he muttered._

"_Well, screw you too, Sanzo," the girl grumbled back in her slumber, drawing a stunned stare from both men._

"_Great. Now she insults me in her sleep." Sanzo set down the cup and stubbed out his cigarette in the ashtray, wasting no time in lighting a new one. "Tell me if I have this straight, pain-in-my-ass-number-four—"_

"_Good number," she sighed._

_Sanzo's eye twitched. "Whatever. So correct me where I'm wrong: Konran needs you because you control and maintain his powers like a valve, right?"_

_Incoherent gurgle. He took that as a positive._

"_But because of your mental instability, you're letting more power through to him than he should be allowed. He brought you here because he needs to maintain that level of power in order to take over in our world, and now he's waiting for you to completely lose it and give him infinite powers over Chaos?"_

_She curled up tighter and murmured into the monkey's wild hair, "You're a smart one."_

"_Hmph." He sipped some more coffee and looked at Hakkai. "What do you think?"_

_The man-turned-demon smiled peacefully. "I think you have a way with difficult kids."_

"_Damn it, they're old enough not to require this much supervision—it's annoying," he grouched._

"_Yes, well at least they're not like you and I. Imagine what sort of trouble we'd be in if Goku and Lydia **never** listened to you?"_

"_Gods forbid." Sanzo shuddered at the thought—to himself. "I wasn't referring to the animals anyway. I meant Konran. What do you think about his connection with her?"_

"_Hmm…" Hakkai watched the two as they slept, somewhat marveling at how they could understand so much while remaining (nearly) as innocent as children half their ages. "I suppose if your interpretation of what she was mumbling is correct, then he needs her in order to do what Higeki says is his plan. The real problem here, though, is how does he plan to 'break' her completely?"_

"_It may have something to do with why she hasn't been sleeping," mused the monk as he drank the rest of his coffee. Hakkai poured him another cup. "Oy, Lydia, if you're still…subconscious? —damn, this is creepy, even for me!"_

"_Good to see…that you can…be creeped out," sighed the stray. Sanzo thought he heard a hint of laughter at his expense, but let it slide. Was there any point in arguing with…this? Would she even remember it?_

_He glared at the girl. He wanted to hit her. He **really **wanted to hit her with the fan. "Shut up and answer my question: How does Konran plan to break you completely?"_

"_MEMORY wakes HATE…he will break my…mind…I don't like…killing…want to live…let live…but if I kill…too many…will…break…"—she paused and growled a little as Goku's arm narrowly missed her head, then resumed—"I will…recede…become doll—puppet…like Nataku…but no heart…"_

_Nataku? Crowned Prince Nataku, the one who had sealed Gyumaoh away? "Don't use references that we aren't familiar with, dumb animal."_

"_I might try…kill you." She stopped as though completely bored with talking in her sleep._

"_She'll be a puppet?" Hakkai repeated. "She said she'll recede, and she'll have no heart…so what does that mean?"_

_Sanzo frowned, already forming a sort of hypothesis. "She doesn't want to kill because she loses control. That's what I've gathered, at least, and after seeing what happened during that youkai attack, I'm inclined to agree." He tapped the ashes into the tray and sat back, thinking._

_And then his eyes widened slightly; he sat up and looked at Hakkai. "Wait, that's what Konran is going to do."_

_Hakkai blinked, though only one green eye was visible, and caught on. "Oh…so he's going to be sending assassins for her to kill?"_

"_If she kills too many then she'll lose herself completely, and then this MEMORY part of her head will wake the HATE part because there won't be a conscience or a stable mind to keep them apart." The door opened suddenly and Sanzo instinctively drew his gun, pulling the hammer back and glaring at Gojyo as he came in._

_The cockroach froze and held his hands up in surrender. "Goddamn it, Sanzo, what the hell is wrong with you? A guy walks into a room hoping to find out why everyone is gathering without him, and no one even says hello. It's just a corrupt monk pulling his piece like there's no tomorrow."_

"_Shut up and sit down," Sanzo snapped impatiently. "We're having an important discussion here."_

"_Oh, really? Why wasn't I invited?" demanded the water sprite as he took the offered cup of coffee from Hakkai and sat down beside the one least likely to shoot him in the face._

"_Because you're an idiot. Obviously." The monk set down his coffee and pointed at the two sleeping animals. "They're asleep. It was just us talking to the stray."_

_Gojyo's right eye narrowed a bit as he stared at the priest, "Are you going crazy too? How the hell can she be talking to you if she's asleep?"_

_Sanzo shrugged, too apathetic to bother with a retort. "Fuck if I know. Why don't you ask her?"_

_The kappa turned to Hakkai for an explanation._

"_Ah-ha-ha…actually, Sanzo's right. I was here for most of it. She helped us figure out what to expect from Konran."_

_Now he wasn't just skeptical—he was worried. "Maybe there's a weird disease going around and infecting people's brains, because I **know** Hakkai is sane. He's just a little creepy sometimes."_

_Hakkai just smiled._

_And then Lydia fixed the problem. "…they're perfectly…sane," she growled faintly. She added even more faintly, "Stupid…cockroach."_

_Gojyo blanched. "Did she just talk in her sleep?"_

"_Lydia's subconscious answers to our questions. Her answers lead us to believe that Konran will be sending large numbers of forces to attack us," Hakkai informed him, disregarding the obvious nervous breakdown. "Contrary to what we've seen, she doesn't like to kill because she easily loses control of her actions. Do you remember what Higeki told us about how Konran is waiting for her because she's his 'worldly equivalent'?"_

"_Uhh…yeah, why?" he kept glancing back to the sleeping runts, as though waiting for them to leap up and bite him or something likewise improbable and ridiculous._

"_And do you remember all that shit about halves of something?" Sanzo added, resting the side of his head in his hand. It was too early to be up. This was Hakkai's hour, not his._

"_I guess. So what're you saying?"_

_Hakkai answered, "Well, if Higeki was right and Kougaiji **is** involved in this, then I think we can expect an increase in youkai attacks, primarily against Lydia."_

_Sanzo added nothing since Hakkai's interpretation mirrored his own. If they were right, then they would have to leave by midday. It would be stupid to hang around the peaceful town knowing full well that a band of murderous youkai could come out of the woodwork at any moment._

_Sanzo stood and stubbed out the rest of his cigarette. "Hakkai, get your supplies shopping done by noon. We're leaving as soon as possible."_

"_I'll need either Goku or Lydia…or Gojyo to help me carry everything," he responded, unsurprised._

_Gojyo shook his head quickly and went straight for the door. "I don't think so. I have a lady friend to entertain. I only came up here 'cause I sensed some weird shit." And without waiting for an argument from Hakkai or a death threat from the monk, he zipped right out._

"_Asshole kappa," commented Sanzo._

"_Oh…then if Gojyo is busy, when should I wake the other two?" Hakkai asked himself aloud._

_His question was answered by a loud, drawn-out yawn from the second bed as Lydia finally made the transition from subconsciousness to consciousness._

**

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**(Kyukori: 8 AM)**

Waking up was sort of like coming out of a trance that morning. It happens sometimes, though usually it just feels like having my soul dragged up from the depths of the underworld and shoved back into my body…needless to say I like the trance scenario better. However, I'd still take the underworld scenario over the horrifying nightmare "monster's comin' to eat me!" scenario any day.

Before ever opening my eyes, I knew that I had switched my positioning on the bed to the complete opposite of where I had started—a bizarre habit—and that I was gripping something warm, fluffy, and soft the way I usually held my pillow back at home. It had a nice, earthy smell, similar to the scent of the deepest, most untouched regions of a large forest, but sweeter.

Hmm. Goku didn't smell half bad for a monkey.

I let go of his head and stretched out from my folded fetal hunch, letting out a long, remarkably satisfying yawn. Then, knowing deep down that the monkey wouldn't wake up for anything short of the apocalypse or breakfast, I unconsciously shoved his whole body over to the foot of the bed and completed my morning stretches. My favorite one was to arch my back while taking a deep breath, which sent a nice series of cracks along my spine to break the stiffness out. Yumoa had been correct in mentioning that the flat, soft surface of a bed was the best place to stretch out your limbs after sleeping all scrunched in a ball.

Once that task had been completed, I finally sat up…and saw not just Sanzo, but Hakkai as well, staring at me over coffee at the small breakfast table.

I blinked and immediately scrubbed at my face with the sleeves of my nightshirt, thinking that maybe I was hallucinating again.

_It's not a hallucination_, REASON sighed, clearly tired of my incessant bid to further prove my own mental instability.

"Shut up brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-Tip," I snapped, dropping my hands into my lap as I sat Indian style, and looking up at the two men.

"Like a goddamn cat," was Sanzo's less-than-amused greeting.

"Well, screw you too, Sanzo," I replied irritably. "So I stretch when I wake up. Sue me! Are my sleeping habits a spectator sport now? I think I missed the press conference. Where are the TV cameras?" I searched the room for some sign as to where Gojyo might be, and came up with nothing. Well, at least the notably intelligent, yet disappointingly perverted water sprite had missed the memo as well.

"So you remember the conversation?" Hakkai asked suddenly, looking a bit surprised for some obscure and, as a result, annoying reason.

My tired brain was too busy arguing with my growling intestines to really understand the time-frame of which my monocled companion spoke, therefore my reply was about as intelligent as armadillo road kill. "Look, I got the birds and bees speech from my foster father," I grouched semi-coherently. "I was never the same again. Please, let's not kick that dead horse. He's dead. Let him rest in peace. _Requiescat in pace, magister eque!_" I made a Papal gesture to a pillow.

"She doesn't remember," Sanzo informed Hakkai, lighting yet another cigarette. I could see that he had been smoking for some time—or he had been smoking like mad for a short time—for the entire room was filled with a blue haze, and several butts still smoldered in the ashes of the tray on the table.

Holy crap, how long had I been breathing that? "Put that thing out!" I cried, quickly fearing for my lungs' well-being. I leapt from the bed and opened the window, saw that there was a ledge right beneath strong and large enough for a person to stand on, and without giving it a second thought I hopped through onto the ledge at a crouch.

"Shit!" Hakkai blurted. I heard his chair scrape across the floor as I took a few deep breaths of clean, unpolluted—and rather frigid—air.

"Sit down," the monk muttered flatly. "She's on the ledge. It's strong enough."

"Ledge?" Hakkai sighed and I could hear him sit back in his seat. "Please don't do that again," he called, obviously addressing me.

My feet were cold, but the snow was so nice anyway. I stood up and waved at them. "Sorry. I just need some fresh air."

Sanzo scowled, Hakkai smiled, and I noticed the pot of coffee, recalling my stomach's annoying habit of eating itself when I wasn't looking. I was fairly hungry already, and after the leap o' faith from bed to ledge, I was feeling a bit light-headed—diabetes is a bitch.

Of course, like the good surrogate mommy he was, Hakkai saw me staring at the pot and prepared me a cup without my having to ask, adding lots of cream and sugar, and the rest of the chocolate I had stolen from the hospital-inn. "You can have it when you come in," he said slyly. "I don't want you getting sick out there in the cold with no coat or shoes."

Wile E. Hakkai-otee, I christened him in my head, grinning to myself. Maybe, because I had done that, somewhere in an alternate dimension one could find the _real_ Wile E. Hakkai-otee—half man, half demon, and half coyote (with 50 more chromosomes, kids!). An alternate dimension probably less trying than this one it would be. Damn the digital projector to hell!

I took a moment to turn back to the open air and gaze upon the glittering, frosted scene before me. The sun had risen to form a full circle by now; casting deep, long shadows tinted blue by the cold and the snow. And whatever snow the sun did manage to touch had that buttery tangerine glow to it, as though some insane five-year-old had gotten hold of way too much glitter and had gone absolutely nuts with it. _This_ was what I loved about winter. Fall tied for first with winter, but only winter could make stark whiteness look warm and inviting.

_Moby Dick _had done strange things to my mind.

The other nice thing about winter: it made hot mocha lattes taste like heaven.

"So when do we break camp and head West again?" I inquired, seating myself Indian-style on my bed and sipping my hot drink while looking back and forth between the two adults. "From the looks on your faces, I take it we're leaving ASAP?"

"Perceptive little runt." Sanzo's expression was unusually sour for the morning. Normally he seemed vaguely annoyed or just irritably tired, but today's mood was worse than the others. He wasn't even reading the paper, which I took about as well as I would take seeing a midget living in my toilet bowl talking to a pet rock.

"Cripes. What the hell did I do to piss you off so bad this fast?" I wasn't afraid to look him in the eye when I asked—I had gotten used to that evil glare.

At first no reply came, but after a bit of patience and a few sips of my wonderful mocha, the wait finally paid off.

"Are you aware that you talk in your sleep?"

Huh? That was it? "Umm, _yeah_. I've been talking in my sleep almost every night since learning a language. Why?"

"Well, you just gave us a very thorough explanation of why Konran wants you—an explanation that you clearly didn't have when I talked to you last night." His stare was penetrating and serious, but I couldn't help but chuckle…which made the stare a bit more menacing. "Why is that _funny_?"

"Because I'm glad it was so easy for you to get the information out of me. Normally when people talk to me while I'm sleeping—at least, so I've heard—I'm rather impertinent. I don't even answer half the time, and just ramble on about absolute nonsense." I shrugged, staring into my half-empty mug and swilling the contents a bit to mix in the settled cocoa. "Did anyone else talk to me besides you?"

"The kappa did, but you didn't actually give him information. You just insulted him and scared his pansy ass." He seemed mildly pleased with that particular detail.

"So then you know enough to keep us all safe?" I looked up then, narrowing my eyes slightly. "And I trust you'll give me a heads-up whenever you make some sort of definitive decision on the matter?"

His smirk turned into a scowl so easily. Hakkai replied in his stead, "Of course we'll tell you. You _are_ the connection in all of this, after all. It's only right."

"Thanks, Hakkai. And Sanzo, you don't have to dirty your hands on my behalf. Just make sure I have the info so that I can take care of it myself."

"You're just a kid. What can you do?" he demanded incredulously.

"Give 'em hell," I replied. "If Konran does indeed kidnap me, as Yumoa and Higeki informed us, and if he's really planning to send Kougaiji after us, then he'll learn soon enough not to piss me off."

His smirk turned pedantic and pontificating. "That's a pretty cocky attitude for someone who would rather _not_ kill the people who are trying to destroy her."

_How much did you tell him_? questioned my brain, though it knew as well as I that I could never remember my conversations while asleep. There were two halves to my mind—informed, and ill-informed—and that was all I had to go by. Unfortunately, we all knew which half functioned during wakey-wakey time.

I decided to go on the defensive. "So I'm not a bloodthirsty lunatic like you. Is that wrong?" I huffed.

"I do what I have to do in order to survive. If that means killing my enemies, then so be it." He wasn't dissuaded in the least, damn it all.

"You're lucky," I muttered. "You can control yourself."

Pause. Then, "It hasn't always been that way. Control is learned, not handed to you for free."

"Yeah, well you had six years to learn through mistakes and four to learn by accuracy. Also," I added as an afterthought, "I have no Jikaku. I only have myself. Forgive my stupidity if it takes a little time."

He glared at me when I mentioned Jikaku, but I only raised an eyebrow in pointed response.

Sanzo ended the conversation abruptly. "Wake the monkey. You're not finding food here, so you'll both go with Hakkai to get the shopping done." Then he stood to leave, tucking a pack of cigarettes into the folds of the robe around his waist and checking to make sure the Maten scripture was secure. He was gone in moments.

I looked to Hakkai for guidance. "I hope I didn't take it too far," I whispered.

He smiled and laughed lightly, "Don't worry about Sanzo. Though you know more about us than we might like, he had it coming for taking advantage of your weakness while you slept. You may not mind us prying for the answers, but it was unfair of him to strike that nerve."

I sighed and looked at the monkey, unable to keep the smile from my face for long when he shouted suddenly about meatbuns and gyouza, then returned to his snoring. "All is forgiven," I told Hakkai. "I owe you guys more than you can comprehend."

Then I reached over and grabbed Goku's arm, tugging him over and ruffling his fluffy, silky hair while shouting, "Holy Chewbaca, Goku! We can't have breakfast until you're awake! We're all gonna dieeee!"

That did the trick. He yelped and sat up quickly, frantically searching the room for a meal. Finding none, he looked at me accusingly, "Hey, there's no food! Where's the food?" His eyes got all big and hurt and shiny.

Awwwwww! Giddy from the coffee, and desperate for something happy after Killjoy's conversation, I glomped the poor, unsuspecting semi-simian sage into what I like to call the "five-year-old wanna play wiff puppy" hug.

"Augh! Whazzamatter!" he cried, thinking that maybe I had lost it…again.

"You're my favorite person in the whole wide world right now, old bean!" I announced, letting go quite suddenly and leaping to my feet. I rummaged through my pack, found a clean set of clothes, and bounded out the door to use the facilities.

Needless to say, the monkey was floored.

**

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_**(Author's Note)**_

_HEADS UP! My second fic, a non-OC bit entitled "Heretical Shenanigans" will be up once I finish the first chapter. It's basically about the hypothetical adventures of Nataku and Goku when they were in the heavens. It's my way of combating my emotions concerning what actually took place in Gaiden. _**T-T**

**Also, check out my profile for links to pics of Yumoa and Konran, which I drew while overcome with writers' block.**

_Lastly, a bit of an FYI, this fic takes place between the "Against the Stream" and the "Even a Worm" arcs of the manga. For those of you who haven't gotten that far, as the DVDs tend to throw in tons of tangents, you shouldn't find too many spoilers. Not enough to make you uncomfortable, at least._

_**P.S. I LOVE REVIEWS! REVIEW, ESPECIALLY IF YOU'VE BEEN READING A WHILE AND HAVEN'T DONE SO YET! I don't care if all it says is "Hi, I'm going to vomit" or "Your writing style makes my tapeworm writhe in agony!". I just wanna know what you all think!**_


	18. Corruption: A Twisted Methodology

**The Irony Gods: Chapter 18

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_**(Author's Note)**_

_This one's LONG, but pretty good. I just needed this transition episode so that what I'm writing next makes a lick o' sense. Also, keep an eye out for some scenes I plan to draw. Exempli gratia: Lydia attacking the cheesecake while Goku, Sanzo, Hakkai, and Gojyo look on in stunned silence; Konran and Yumoa fighting whilst Ni laughs and Kougaiji stares all lost and confused...et cetera..._

_It will be an endeavor…but the artists' block has given me respite, and I must take advantage of its generosity._

_**Quote(s) of the Day**: "I wonder how people can accept a cheese of that nature." –Moi, on the subject of Limburger._

"_I see no reason why I can't steal people's dentures in the dead of night, as long as I put them back in the morning." –Moi, during a bizarre conversation between myself and my AZN home-slice, the Butterball.

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**_Corruption: A Twisted Methodology_**

Driving.

I had gone on a road trip once before, but at the time I had been five years old and, for the most part, ignorant of the degrees of discomfort one is subjected to at the mercy of a vehicle's constant vibrations.

In a nutshell, I expected to develop a hernia and carpal tunnel by day's end from the hard seat and my death-grip on the back edge behind me.

_Look on the bright side_, REASON reasoned (I _hate_ that…), _You know what to expect now that Sanzo has pried the knowledge from your brain._

"I almost _wish_ we could be attacked right now," I muttered under my breath, glaring at the thinning forest around us before having my entire body fly forward and slam against Hakkai's and Sanzo's seats (for I had taken up residence between the squabblers).

The back seat passengers were of unanimous opinion: we needed seatbelts.

"**Is that the _only_ way you know how to stop this thing!**" cried Gojyo, massaging his shoulder.

My whole body hurt, but I forced myself up with a groan and looked ahead anyway.

"Damn it!" I said emphatically. "I've freaking _jinxed_ us!"

About a hundred feet down our path of travel stood four familiar figures, one of which immediately barreled towards us at an alarming rate.

"Run her over!" Sanzo shouted, whipping his fan out in defense.

A futile gesture, for the young youkai girl had already leapt over the jeep's hood and now landed squarely and neatly on Sanzo's shoulders.

"Baldy!" she cheered giddily.

"Lady Lirin, please get down from there!" pleaded the other (notably well-endowed—yeesh!) female of the group as she chased after the girl, her tight ponytail trailing long purple hair behind her.

"Hello, Miss Yaone," our insane driver greeted warmly.

"Oh! How are you Mr. Hakkai?" she replied, politely startled.

"As well as I can be. Are you here for any particular reason?" He indicated the other two guests, who had begun to amble forth at a leisurely pace, seemingly wishing to avoid the impending apocalypse—which, incidentally, would be set into motion by none other than one Genjyo Sanzo.

"Hey, get offa him!" shouted my irate semi-simian companion.

Lirin stuck her tongue out at Goku spitefully. "Nyah! Make me! Baldy wants ta play, right Baldy?"

"Well…I should really let him explain," the apothecary replied at length, seemingly unaware of Armageddon's encroaching proximity.

"Ah-ha-ha…of course."

Gojyo ignored the argument between the two midgets such as myself and hopped out of the vehicle, walking towards the swordsman and waving in greeting, "Hey, bro, what's going on?" The rest of that conversation was lost in the ensuing battle between Goku and Lirin, which, unfortunately, took place in the Jeep, whilst Lirin continued her occupation of Sanzo's shoulders.

Needless to say, _some_body was going to die unless the young 'uns were restrained.

Fortunately, Kougaiji showed up in time to save Lirin from her scheduled fan-related demise.

"Lirin, this isn't the time for games," he said with authority as he stopped before the jeep and frowned disapprovingly at his little sister. "We have a job to do, remember?"

Simultaneously, I grabbed Goku's arm and yoinked him down into his seat. "Behave or I'll shove you onto the floor while you're sleeping in the next hotel," I said sternly.

He looked so…betrayed. "But she started it!" he defended.

I shook my head and patted his fluffy hair. "Fear not, my equally-immature companion. Kougaiji is here to control her, and Sanzo asked me a while back to make sure that you don't misbehave, either—which seems kinda pointless considering my own demeanor—but that aside, patience is the key."

As expected, at her brother's command, the young princess vacated her perch and resumed her rightful place beside Yaone. The number of stylized veins on Sanzo's person dwindled from roughly three hundred to maybe four.

I threw my hands up dramatically. "And yea, I say unto thee: Apocalypse Averted!"

"What do _you_ want?" demanded our resident corrupt monk, turning a suspicious glare upon the prince.

Kougaiji paused and glanced at me, "Who's she?"

I scowled, and before Sanzo could make a retort, I snapped, "Y'know, I'm right here. You _could_ ask _me_." I swear people have no manners anymore! Myself included, but it's an honest observation nonetheless.

He ignored me, thus proving me right, and Sanzo replied, "A stray nuisance. Is there a point to your visit or are you just looking to get your ass handed to you again?"

Kougaiji twitched at the remark, but said nothing about it. "Would her name happen to be Lydia?"

This was ridiculous. "Why are you asking the person least likely to give you an outright answer?" I questioned in disbelief. "Ask _me_!"

Still he ignored me…and, of course, being the self-centered twit I am, I _forced_ him to pay attention.

"I want a hug!" I cried, which did the trick nicely, I must say. In fact, no one was ignoring me now.

"What?" Kougaiji asked, startled.

"I _said_ I want a freaking _hug_, damn it! I'm finally meeting you after a week and a half in hell, and I'm not taking no for an answer." Calmly, I stood, hopped out of the jeep, and pointed at him. "Hug or death!"

"Hey, you can't talk to big brother like that!" protested Lirin.

I turned to her and responded evenly, "I am not, never have been, and never shall be a member of The Party. You can take your Ingsoc and shove it. Newspeak, my ass…tryin' to kill my language…grrrr…" She froze up, so confused that even I felt a bit dumbfounded. Now, about Kougaiji… "Gimme a hug."

"No!" He'd finally come out of Shock and entered the lovely paradise of Indignation.

"I'll make Yumoa steal every left shoe in Houtou Castle!" I threatened.

He blinked, "Yumoa? You know him?"

"Yeah I know him. He's about yea tall with silver hair, fire eyes, and a cross-disposition between an infant and a diplomat."

"Then you _are _Lydia."

"Could've asked me that _before_ risking life and limb to ask Captain Cankypants," I pointed out, disregarding the expected growling interjection of said Crankypants. "Now, just so that _he_ gets the answers he wants in this process, what _are_ you doing here, interrupting our tedious drive and causing me to get maimed in the back seat of this seatbelt-lacking automobile?"

"Well, I suppose you might already know." At last, he was taking me seriously. "Do you know Konran?"

"Not personally, but I've heard lots of wicked little tidbits. He wants me to lose my mind, doesn't he?"

He nodded, and a light breeze picked up his reddish rattail and swished it around a bit—anime hair is always so _fascinating_! "I just thought we should tell you. I _would_ send hundreds of my people to kill you, but I disapprove of that method, so I've decided to kill you myself."

"Eh? Come again?" O-okay, I hadn't expected _that_ twist o' fate.

"Hey, you can't just decide ta kill her!" Goku argued on my behalf. Ah, I was gonna miss that monkey whenever the hell I left…which _could_ be fairly soon, considering the present situation.

"I won't let my people die for that monster's sick fantasy!" retorted Kougaiji, suddenly fierce and determined. "I've lost so many already, but at least it was for the Maten scripture! This time their purpose would be to die, and only to die, and I cannot allow it."

Sanzo interrupted, "And what happens after you kill her? She's just a kid, even younger than Goku."

"Yeah, man, that's pretty harsh," Gojyo added. "You sure you can just kill a helpless girl like that?"

Helpless…WHAT? Was he insulting my pugilistic prowess? I threw a glare his way, but calmed when he winked quickly. Oh, right…Kougaiji had real moral fiber.

"She isn't as rambunctious, but Lydia is very much like Lirin," remarked Hakkai, still smiling like the creepy man he was. We were discussing my _execution_, and he was _smiling_. I shook my head and sighed.

"If you wanna kill Lydia, you're gonna hafta beat me first," Goku finished.

When I looked at Kougaiji again, he seemed torn, and before I could stop myself I walked up to him…and gave him a hug. He froze, and everyone, even the jeep's engine, went absolutely _silent_.

Then I let go and clapped a hand on his shoulder, looking up at him with a resigned smile. "I suspect that my death would end all of this, and I'm sorry that your people were dragged into the fray, so if you really want to end it by killing me, I won't fight." At that, I stepped back and looked at the rest of them. "Any objections?"

(cough)

I didn't even know what had happened until it happened, but by the time I realized it, I had already been wrestled to the ground, hog-tied, gagged, and tossed roughly back into the jeep by—wait for it—_Sanzo_. It took The Flash roughly five seconds.

"Suicidal insanity," he muttered under his breath as he approached the still-stunned prince, holding his gun loosely in one hand. This was certainly not his day.

I screamed against the gag, managed to wiggle my upper half onto the seat beside Goku, and gave him a scathing glare which expressed my desperate desire for freedom—while simultaneously threatening to do unspeakable things to him as he slept if he happened to refuse my demand.

He removed the gag and untied me without having to be told twice, and I clambered over the side of the jeep to exact my revenge upon the monk. I even drew my sword, but instead of following my plan, the kappa and Dokugakuji interceded and put a halt to my progress.

"Move!" I cried, wagging my blade at the two of them.

Gojyo just laughed. "Get back in the jeep while Sanzo fixes it."

"Never! I _hate _being tied up!" Bad memories. **_Very_** bad memories of being tied up.

"I'll make it up to you later. Just go and sit with the monkey for now."

I leered _up_ at the two of them, inwardly cursing my quasi-midget stature, and spun on my heels, abruptly stalking off to where Lirin and Yaone stood. "Dis ain't ovah," I promised them. They cast uncertain glances in my direction while I glared at Sanzo as he spoke to Kougaiji about who-the-hell-cared-what.

Finally, Lirin spoke up. "Why did you hug big brother?" she asked, all curious and innocent-like.

I arched a brow at her, "I could tell that somebody needed a hug, and I facilitated that need. Now, if _anyone_ is in dire need of a hug, it's the monk, but that particular endeavor would probably get me disemboweled. Also, I mean, it's _Kougaiji_." I allowed a pleased chuckle. "I couldn't help myself. I needed that."

"Can I have a hug?"

Hmm, well, it _was_ Lirin, and I had always admired her spunk. I shrugged, "Yeah, sure, why not?"

…I suspect that those are famous last words somewhere.

She **_glomped_** me. As in, my legs gave out beneath me and I crumpled to the ground at the force of the impact, screaming something retarded about meteors—my brain has trouble coping with shock—and blacking out.

* * *

Roughly a minute and a half later I awakened rather quickly, sitting up without a thought. In the process, my nose met a forehead, said hello, and proceeded to loose the civil war against it. 

I yelped and clutched my face in agony…my teary eyes opened a crack and glared at the offending forehead a few moments before forgiving it. How could I argue with puppy eyes of that caliber? Sanzo's _gun_ paled in comparison!

"I'm so sorry! Is your nose okay?" fussed the monkey, backing up lest I make an attempt on his life.

"I'll live anudder day," I muttered, still rubbing my poor bridge. It was sore, but not broken, thank sanity. My hand dropped into my lap and I looked at the crowd gathered around me, finally resting my gaze on Lirin, who was clearly feeling a bit apologetic.

"Sorry for almost killing you," she mumbled, pouting.

"Next time, _hug_, not body slam," I sighed, holding my arms out to her. "Friends?" I raised my eyebrows and smirked a little.

She gasped and lit up. "Really? You're not mad cuz I almost broke your head?"

Sanzo, who had been scowling down at me from behind the crowd, chose that moment to walk away in exasperation. Yaone looked scandalized, but Hakkai gave her a pacifying gesture and she held back from interfering. The rest were just quietly stunned, _especially_ Kougaiji. I suspected that half of him had wanted me to be dead, and the latter half was at that very moment berating the former for being so cruel.

"Nah, all is well. I can't punish you for your enthusiasm now, can I?" I could remember multiple occasions during which I nearly debilitated a person with my enthusiasm. None were real friends, but that poor woman at Wal Mart…

"Yay!" This time she hugged me like a normal person—in a non-battle-scenario manner—and grinned when she stood, lending me a hand while I stumbled back to my shaky feet. She spun to face her brother in defiance and said firmly, "You're not killin' her!"

Yaone smiled slightly and hid it behind her hand. "She's found the one thing that can stop Kougaiji's stubbornness," she whispered.

Kougaiji stared at Lirin in dismay, "But…"

"Oh, come on. Like you could kill her anyways," she snapped, turning away and signaling the end of the conversation. "Come on, Lydia. Let's call Yumoa!"

"Er…" I threw a helpless look at Kougaiji, shrugged, and allowed Lirin to lead me by the hand over to an outcropping of rocks.

She leapt nimbly upon the precipice of the tallest boulder and shouted (loudly enough to make my ears bleed, had I been standing beside her), "**_YUMOA! COME AND PLAY WITH US!_**"

Several of the others yelped at the sudden blast of sound. Distant mountains echoed, avalanched, and trembled in terror. A flock of birds the size of Kentucky took off and immediately crashed back to the ground when the wave hit them. Every bat within a fifty-mile radius was instantaneously rendered deaf.

"My ears!" I screamed, clamping my hands to my head and assuming the fetal position. I waited like that for several seconds, until the echoes ceased, before getting back up and gaping at the girl. "Quite the voice you've got there."

"Really? Big brother say's I'm just being noisy." She pouted and shot Kougaiji an irked frown, before flip-flopping back to being happy. "'Kay, let's go play now!"

"Eh?" But wasn't she…

"Lydia!" cried the all-too familiar voice of the Comedy God.

Slowly, I turned around and scowled at him. The bastard cheated in Go-Fish, and had pretty much destroyed me not too long ago. "YOU! You—you back-stabbing cheapskate "

He froze in mid-run—yes, as in, he was hovering in the air like an homage to the Loony Toons. I could almost visualize the genus-species label which belonged beneath him: _Ignis Fatuus Ignoramus_. Of course, the actual bizarre part of the whole scene was the fact that he started _talking_ while trapped in freeze-frame.

"Aww, don't be that way, Lydia! I was teaching you a valuable lesson! One must know that failure is always a possibility." The freeze-frame melted and he touched down lightly, striding over as he spoke. "You may try as hard as you can and give it everything you have within you, but sometimes you just can't win."

"Are you attempting some pitifully blatant foreshadowing or are you just an idiot?" I asked him in a monotone.

He feigned injury. "Lydia! You are so cruel to your friends!"

"Shut up…friggin' _ignis fatuus_ tryin' to get me all killed and stuff. Whose side are you on anyway! Are you even _trying_ to dissuade your chaos-driven cousin?"

All the laughter drained suddenly from his face, and he sighed. "Come here. Somebody needs a hug."

"Say wha—" He suddenly grabbed my hand and yoinked me into a warm embrace. He was too warm for a normal person…but it was nice, and after a LONG hesitation, I reciprocated. Damn hugs…friggin' contagious.

"I'm truly sorry that I can't help more than I have," he whispered, clearly wanting his words to be kept secret, "but you don't understand that Konran _owns_ my sister and me. He outranks us in the hierarchy, and there's nothing I can do about that." He let go then and held me at arms' length, wearing his grin again. "However, I _can_ do my best to cheer you up as you approach your impending doom! Your fate is sealed, but at least you can have fun while you're still sane!"

I frowned at him, baffled by him in general, and shrugged his hands off. "Stop that. I don't like being touched without warning…and as I told you before, I don't believe in fate."

He simply made an "as you wish" gesture with one hand and looked up at Lirin, who had seated herself on the rock, waiting impatiently for us to finish talking. "Lirin! I brought a game!" he shouted up at her.

Like a cat on crack, she basically _rampaged_ down the rock outcropping and halted before us with an eager, excited grin, her bright green eyes all lit up in glee. "Whatcha bring, huh, Yumoa? Where is it?"

The Comedy God smirked, reached behind his back, and magically produced a game I was _very_ familiar with.

"OHMYGODIT'STWISTER!" I blurted in one long incoherent string of syllables—no discernible words.

"What?" Lirin was confused. "Is it fun?"

I spun to face her and grabbed her shoulders frantically. "Lirin, listen to me very carefully: this game is called Twister, quite possibly the most brilliant game ever invented by people of a bygone era."

She looked past me at the colorful—ORIGINAL MINT! (EEK!)—box and blinked. "So it's fun."

"_WELL, **YEAH**, IT'S FUN!_" I cried, almost having a nervous breakdown. I let her go and pointed at Yumoa. "Set it up while I kidnap us a monkey and a cockroach!"

"Aye, aye, Captain!" He saluted and went to work.

I marched resolutely over to Goku and Gojyo, who had been discussing something not _nearly_ as important as Twister with Sanzo, grabbed them both by the collar, and dragged them off without an explanation.

"What the hell was that for!" demanded the kappa once we had reached the rocky outcropping.

I gave him a venomous glare and he stopped talking and blinked rapidly. "You are the spinner!" I declared, snatching the board from Yumoa and shoving it at him. "When there are two left, we shall commence the Battle Royale, and you shall decide where the limbs are to be placed sans spinner!"

"The mat is prepped and ready, ma'am!" Yumoa reported like a good ensign.

"Excellent! Let the Battle General commence!" I announced, thrusting my sword skyward and giving a battle cry.

"Wait, I don't know what the hell's going on!" protested Gojyo, interrupting everything.

"RA-A-A-AID!" cried Yumoa, cackling like a loon in the background.

I growled and turned back to him. "Okay. Goku, Lirin, and Gojyo—"

"Why did you mention _me_ last?" the roach questioned, _obviously_ unaware of the gravity of the situation.

"You were upstaged by the ampersand!" I snapped. "Now, _listen or I will eat you all!_ This game is entitled Twister. See those colored dots and the corresponding colors on this board? Well Gojyo's job here is to spin this thingy here. When it's your turn, he will spin it, and tell you a limb and a color—for example: right foot green—and so on and so forth. The purpose is to keep from falling. If you land on your knees, you're out. If someone makes you collapse but they're still up, you're out and they're safe. Once we get down to two people, we will have the Battle Royale, where the spinner is tossed, and Gojyo and the ousted players will determine where limbs are to be placed. This round can also be called Sudden Death…"

Once the explanations were through, I decided the order we would go in, and Battle General commenced.

* * *

_**(Meanwhile, Away from the Twister Battleground)**_

_Kougaiji stared at his sister with a worried expression, refraining from interrupting only because she was having so much fun with the other four. However, he just couldn't shake the feeling that something bad was waiting to happen._

"_Well, look at that," chuckled Dokugakuji, smiling while he watched his own younger half-sibling played a part in the game. "I never thought I'd see the day when he joined in kids' games."_

"_Lirin seems happy as well," Yaone agreed._

_Kougaiji looked to them for their opinions. "Should I retrieve her?"_

"_Don't even bother," muttered Sanzo as he lit a cigarette and scowled at the tangled mess of limbs that was Twister. "The Stray would probably only inflict more damage."_

"_What do you mean?" Damage? Was Lirin in danger?_

_Hakkai laughed. Kougaiji looked to him for an explanation, and the smiling man said gently, "Lydia is very good at corrupting people. Look at how close she and Goku have gotten. Even Sanzo tolerates her now."_

_The prince arched a brow at Sanzo, and the priest _hmphed_ and turned away. "She…corrupts people?"_

_Hakkai nodded. "She had quite an endearing, forceful disposition—extensively flawed in several ways, of course—but she is a good person."_

"_It's just her survival mechanism," grumbled Sanzo. He took a long drag and let it out, adding, "When she's not trying to off herself, at least."_

"_Is she suicidal?" Yaone inquired, somewhat concerned._

_The monk shrugged. "Maybe. Maybe not. It depends on the situation, I think." He flicked away the ash and returned to more important matters. "Now tell us what you're _really_ doing here. What connection do you have with Konran?"_

"_The bastard showed up two weeks ago talking about helping accelerate the resurrection." Kougaiji wore an expression of rage and disgust._

"_Isn't that what you want?" Sanzo kept his own visage blank of telltale emotion._

_Kougaiji shot him a bitter glare. "The price he asks for is too high. I would rather turn down his offer. Unfortunately, he's too powerful, and we all remember the last time the gods interfered in our lives. I had no choice but to bear it. But now he wants me to do his bidding like some pet, and I want him gone."_

"_We've had our own troubles with Konran," Hakkai mused. "He seems determined to ruin Lydia's life."_

"_From what I've heard, she's the key in all of this," muttered the prince. "But she looks like a normal kid to me. What's so special about her?"_

"_She fights quite well, actually, but it does take its toll on her. Apparently, Konran's power is filtered through her, so if he wants more power, she has to break completely."_

_Sanzo elaborated, "He wants her to lose her mind. It won't be too difficult for him to make happen."_

"_That's awful!" interjected Yaone. "She's so young, and he wants to take that away from her already?"_

_The monk gave her a serious look. "That girl grew up a long time ago. The immature façade is just a mask to keep herself sane."_

"_What can we do to fix all of this then?" Dokugakuji asked._

_All was quiet for a moment before Sanzo said what they all suspected to be the case. "We might just have to give him what he wants."_

"_Sanzo?" Hakkai was surprised that he would suggest such a thing, even though this _was_ Sanzo they were talking about._

"_We have no other options. I don't think Konran operates by Homura's system, and if that's true then the only person who can do anything effective about it is the Stray." He took another drag, then added, "Besides, I doubt that she would allow herself to become a puppet anyway."_

"_Well, she does repeatedly mention how much she hates to be tied up," Hakkai admitted. "But do you think she's strong enough to fight against a god?"_

"_Yeah, when that Konran guy showed up, he took out a fair chunk of our forces just reaching the resurrection chamber," muttered the swordsman, clearly irked at that particular fact. "Resisting him might prove pointless from a military standpoint."_

"_Then it's settled: Konran will get what he wants, but before that happens, we have to find a way to make Lydia snap. Konran won't accept her while she's sane—he's made that much clear, and at least now we know why." Kougaiji looked again at the strange girl as she managed a position on the Twister mat that only cats and contortionists were capable of._

"_It'll be up to you to make her sane again, you realize this, right?" Hakkai ascertained. "Maybe Lirin could do that." He wasn't the only one to observe Lydia's affinity for the youngest members of each group._

_Yaone smiled, somewhat craftily, "I'll talk to Lady Lirin to see what we can do."

* * *

_

**(The Twister Battleground)**

_Battle Royale._

This was the most difficult challenge ever faced by any avid Twister player, and I was impressed with Lirin for making it so far. Goku had been the first to go, taken down by a ruthless bridge maneuver perfectly executed by Yumoa, and stood at the sidelines now, waiting to see the outcome. I myself had personally removed Yumoa from the Battle General with a clever entanglement strategy, leaving him overbalanced and vulnerable to collapse at even the tiniest movement. The next spin had toppled him like a Jenga tower. He stood beside Goku now, muttering to himself about being fool enough to fall for such a simple strategy.

Lirin, however, was proving to be a challenge. She was remarkably flexible, and her sense of balance was astounding, but what impressed me most was the fact that she was pulling advanced maneuvers on her first try, including the Crab Feint and the Rubik's Cube, without even realizing that some of the inmates I had once shared The Asylum with had spent _hours _crafting those techniques.

But in Battle Royale, the rules are chucked.

"Lydia, put your left hand here on blue," Gojyo said after a thought.

I placed my hand and smirked. "You're gonna have to do more than make me cross my arms," I chuckled.

Yumoa had Lirin move her right foot to the furthest red dot, then moved my right foot to the blue next to my left hand, then Gojyo moved Lirin's right hand to the red beside her right foot while she maintained a firm support on the greens on the other end. Goku made me nearly braid my arms together when he had me place my right hand under my knee and onto the nearest green dot, but Yumoa countered by making Lirin place her left foot between my leg and my arm to the green on the other side…

This continued for maybe half an hour, until even the other non-Twister folk had at last succumbed to curiosity and approached the Battleground.

"What…the…hell…is…_this_?" Sanzo said incredibly slowly.

"What the crap does it _look_ like, genius?" I retorted impatiently as my arms at last reached the halfway point in their stamina. They were actually aching. Lirin appeared to be fine.

"Lydia! Left foot to that red!" Yumoa cried suddenly.

I blanched, and everyone else who had been involved in the game gasped. "No," I whispered.

"Do it," the bastard prodded.

"That's so cruel!" commented Gojyo, who had clearly foregone that command when it had been his turn.

"My entire support rests on that foot!" I cried in desperation, but he wasn't budging, and after a long contemplation I decided to try anyway.

I made it halfway, then felt my other three limbs fold beneath me. I…had been defeated…in Twister?

"That was fun!" Lirin giggled, untying the knot she had made of her appendages and standing straight. "If you ever come ta the castle, we can play again, 'kay? An' next time maybe you can beat me!"

I stared at her in shock, lying prone on my back, as she skipped to her brother's side. Kougaiji smiled at her. "We have to go now, Lirin. You shouldn't even be outside of the castle. Stop running away like that."

"But I wanted ta see the new girl!" she argued as he led her away.

Yaone stayed long enough to bid us all a farewell, and Dokugakuji gave his brother a hearty good-bye. Not long after, they had gone.

"Are you okay?" Goku asked uncertainly.

I shook my head and sat up at last, glaring at Yumoa with a vengeance. "You conniving TWIT! You backstabbing BASTARD! _How could you do this to me?_"

He smiled a little wistfully and replied, "It hurts to lose, doesn't it?"

"Of course it does! I was undefeated!"

He didn't seem to hear my complaint, however. "You are about to undertake the most trying event of your life, and your attitude is that of someone who does not acknowledge defeat. You don't even know what to fear." He took a step closer, the smile gone from his face, and actually _glared_ at me. "You have a job to do, and recklessness will only get you killed. The fight you have ahead of you is the ultimate Battle Royale. I can only hope that you are not so _non compos mentis_ when you finally face my cousin."

And with that he turned away, vanishing like a puff of steam, adding as he went, "Keep the game. It's yours."

I was battling an inner turmoil between agreement and stubborn anger. He was right, but he was also wrong! I wasn't a baby! I could handle whatever the world threw at me—I had done so thus far, hadn't I? And just like that, I began to doubt myself.

Until someone gave me a hug, that is.

I felt arms go around my shoulders and flinched, giving the kappa a sharp distrustful frown.

"I'm not trying anything, I swear," he promised past a cigarette as he sat beside me, though not without that damned smirk. "It just looked like you needed a hug, that's all."

My frown softened— reluctantly, I might add. "Thanks, now let go."

But before that happened, a second set of arms found me and I yelped, turning to see Goku grinning and occupying my other side. "Not you, too!"

"Yeah, this time you _really _need a hug," he replied, too happy-go-lucky for my frown to stand.

Against its will, my frown became a twitching smile, then a real smile, then an outright laugh. "Argh! I hate you both!" I giggled, returning both hugs then shoving them both away and jumping back to my feet at a safe distance. "Gimme back my bubble," I patted my cheeks to stop smiling, but it was there to stay, damn it all.

Their task done, the two miscreants folded up the mat, placed it in the box with the spinner, and tucked it into one of the rucksacks.

Without a word, Sanzo walked over to the place where the jeep had been, and Hakkai laughed and followed, bidding Hakuryu to transform. The dragon did so with a cheerful _kyuu,_ and they all got in and turned to me, still standing and staring like an idiot mute.

Finally: "Get in or I'll tie you up again!" threatened Sanzo.

Indignantly, I stomped over and clambered in past the kappa, taking my seat and muttering "Stupid monk" under my breath.

"I _will_ do it," he reaffirmed darkly.

"You'll do nothing of the sort!"

Hakkai just laughed. All was well in the land of Smile and Nod.

* * *

_**(Author's Note)**_

_I really struggled through this one, getting it to flow and all…I mean, whoa, that was longer than any of the others, but there was so much I wanted to put in, and I was recapping some of the old chapters when I realized that they felt too short…tell me what's better: Short or Long? I can do either, but Short means less progress and fewer updates (I'm very indecisive, and it has to flow properly when it's so short)…and Long means there will be more humor built-in. But I still want to make it easier for the masses to read. ARGH! …well, anyway, my favorite line in this whole chapter was: "And yea, I say unto thee: Apocalypse Averted." Plus, throwing in Twister with the militaristic view had hit me like a brick to the head the other day…I promise that things will get very interesting after this._

**_Oh, and before I forget, who here thinks I should make a sequel (not that I'm finished with this yet)? I've got ideas, but they don't fit into this story line…yeah…gimme an honest opinion or ideas! I won't do it if it's not in demand, considering the amount of effort I'd have to put in…special thanks to Kai for actually talking to me! (and yes, sunburn is bad…and very, very painful _**x . x)


	19. Order: Nature Abhors the Vacuous

**The Irony Gods: Chapter 19

* * *

**

_**(Author's Note)**_

_Sorry I took forever.Screw the intro. I bring QUOTES! Latin and English! (Oh, and check out my profile for a pic entitled "Corrupting the Monkey". Those snowmen make me giggle.) My only caution is that this chapter gets a tad dramatic._

_**Quote(s) of the Day**: "Di nos quasi pilas homines habent." (The gods use us mortals as footballs.)—Plautus_

"_Quod sum eris." (I am what you will be.)—Epitaph on a Roman Tombstone_

"_Uxor me excruciat. Cur? Quia vivit." (My wife torments me. Why? She won't die.)—Plautus

* * *

_

_**Order: Nature Abhors the Vacuous**_

_**(The Heavens, Beside the Lotus Pool)**_

"_Merciful Goddess, I think you should see this," Jiroshin called, frowning down in interest at the water. He couldn't interpret the pictures as well as she could._

_Kannon peered around the entrance and smirked. "Well this is quite the surprise," she mused as she swaggered in and stood beside him. "Since when do you gaze while I'm not around?"_

_Jiroshin sighed, a little exasperated with the Goddess' behavior. Why couldn't she just **try** to maintain the sort of demeanor accepted by the other gods? Though, he had to admit that she **did** have a point about the lack of interesting things to do for an eternity. "Please just have a look."_

_She followed his gaze and blinked in surprise, then quickly covered her mouth to stifle a snicker. "Oh!"_

"_What is it?" He looked back and forth several times from the Lotus Pool to Kannon, before she finally calmed enough to speak._

"_They're playing a game!" she answered, holding the laughter in as best as she could. "It looks like Lydia's teaching out little heretic how to win in that "Twister" game from before. Doesn't it look ridiculous?"_

_Jiroshin permitted a small smile, which was quickly replaced by a bit of apprehension. "But I thought you said that the ikkou had made a deal with Gyumaoh's boy. Nothing seems to have changed since."_

_Kannon's own smile faded around the edges, then transformed into a sly smirk. "Oh, I don't think we have to worry about it. We'll know when things are out of control, but until then, I believe these strange gods from Lydia's world are supposed to make the first move."_

"_So we wait?" He sounded slightly put out, and the Merciful Goddess grinned._

"_I see I'm not the only one bored to death with immortality," she teased._

_Catching himself, Jiroshin snapped back to a more reserved temperament and turned away from the pool._

_The goddess merely shrugged a little and smiled down at the images in the water. "Your interest will be piqued again, you can be sure of it. **Nothing** is dull down there."

* * *

_

_**(Houtou Castle)**_

_Yaone and Dokugakuji watched in tense silence as their prince paced back and forth across the floor in Rasetsunyo's chamber, both of them wondering what had been bothering him so much that he had summoned them here so late in the night. They had decided upon a compromise with the Sanzo party, so what could possibly be eating at him?_

"_My Lord?" ventured the apothecary, tension getting the best of her. She hated seeing him so stressed._

_But Dokugakuji placed a pacifying hand on her shoulder and shook his head slightly when she looked up at him. He knew that Kougaiji was working up to it, and that interrupting him might just make it more difficult._

_At last, he spoke, in hushed but insistent tones, "Konran found out about our visit."_

_Yaone gasped, now understanding the need for all the secrecy. "But how? He was in Ni Jianyi's lab when we left!" She spoke as quietly as he._

"_Yumoa told him. He also told him that the Sanzo party won't put up a fight when he goes to claim that girl, but what I don't like is all of the activity in the Professor's lab all of a sudden." He frowned and began pacing again, apparently finding comfort in moving around. He had been there for a few hours now, talking to his mother and pacing and trying to draw conclusions from the air. Only after finding himself without a single plausible explanation had he summoned his two most trusted friends and allies._

"_He's probably just got some new experiment to play with," reasoned Dokugakuji. "The activity around that place always picks up around times like those."_

"_But never soldiers!" argued the prince, turning abruptly to face them. "Why the hell would he have our **soldiers** coming in and out of his precious lab? Even **I** meet resistance when entering or leaving that place, so how is it that they have such easy access? And more importantly, **why** do they want to go in there?"_

"_He **is** a creepy bastard," the swordsman admitted. "I avoid that place as much as I can."_

_Yaone felt the same way about it. Why **were** their soldiers so interested in the lab now? Or, perhaps, was the **lab** interested in the **soldiers**? She looked up at Kougaiji. "The Professor must be summoning them," she murmured._

_His frown deepened. "But why?"_

_She shrugged resignedly. "Well, you said it yourself that Konran knows that he can have Lydia without a fight now, so he probably told Ni to go ahead with whatever plan they had before the Sanzo party showed up as an obstacle. Remember? It was never planned that she be picked up by them. She was supposed to be attacked that same day, beaten near to death, and kidnapped by our forces."_

_Kougaiji took her words in with a bitter frown. "She might just be a human, but it's sick what they have planned for her. Even though he has reasons for it, nearly killing her just to drive her over the edge seems a bit much."_

_Yaone nodded morose assent, "Yes, it is cruel."_

"_So what do you want us to do about it?" Dokugakuji folded his arms loosely, expecting some sort of plan._

_The young prince considered his options. The last thing he wanted to do was have his friends cross the evil doctor, especially since he was the witch's favorite pet and the head of the resurrection project. Unfortunately, the strange goings-on couldn't be ignored. If Ni was indeed harming his men, he would try to put a stop to it._

_He gave the two of them a stern, uncompromising look. "Ask the soldiers for any information they might have, and ask Yumoa too. He might be a double-agent, but he has his uses. However, **do not** go near the lab, and avoid the Professor and Konran as well as you can. I don't want you two taking any unnecessary risks."_

_Both of them smiled at his concern. "Of course we'll take care of ourselves," Yaone assured him. "But only if you take care as well, Lord Kougaiji."_

_The swordsman grinned teasingly. "Yeah, we'd be pretty much screwed if anything happened to our leader."_

_Their sincerity eased his mind enough for him to return the smile just a little. "Let's just hope that our plans don't fail. I for one am through with letting gods use us as their toys."

* * *

_

_**(Professor Ni Jianyi's Lab)**_

_Struggling stopped within moments after the treatment was administered—the devices could now integrate with the hosts without the possibility of rejection—and old man Wang chuckled over at his computer console, finding it unnecessary to look at the human to know that Ni was wearing a delighted grin._

"_Careful you don't make them **too** powerful," he warned jokingly._

_Ni straightened to his full height from the stoop he had been in, and leaned back on the table with one hand, while tending his cigarette with the other. His own smirk widened. "Don't be silly. Our little pawns have become excellent queens, and with no mistakes, either. For once not even the poor bunny prince can get in our way."_

"_Oh, really?" Wang's eyebrows went up high above his strange goggles, but still he never looked away from his console._

"_Yes, really."_

"_And how is **that** Professor Ni?" demanded Hwan as she left her own lab at last after spending nearly eight hours straight recovering the lost data. Yumoa had left in the middle of it when she hinted that somewhere in the castle was hidden treasure. She understood the Comedy god less than she understood Ni, and that was saying a lot, but she was keen enough to grasp that children's games would distract him from annoying her._

_Ni didn't reply, because Konran came in at that same moment with his sister following close like a bodyguard. "Is that the last of them?" he asked shortly, glancing briefly at Hwan before turning away and behaving like she wasn't there at all._

_Ni smiled, but it was a cruel smile—the kind of smile a person might wear while pulling the wings off a fly or burning ants with a magnifying glass, or splicing human DNA with a lizard while the human is alive and kicking. "Our pawns are now queens, and there was not a single difficulty in the process." He took a seat at his computer desk and watched over his shoulder as the gods looked around._

_Chaos wandered over to the table and examined the results with a mildly demented smirk. "I knew I had chosen exactly the right mad scientist for the job," he murmured, more to himself than to the Professor._

_Hwan saw what was on the table—much changed from the original design—and her eyes widened beyond the frames of her glasses. "What **is** that?"_

_The Professor's lenses gleamed in the light of his computer monitor as he grinned. "That is one of my newest toys. One of fifty, to be precise." He spun around in the chair suddenly and revealed the bunny doll sitting in his lap, wearing what seemed to be—to the modern, Lydia-dimensional eye—Borg implants. _

_Yumoa had given him the idea and Konran had given up the argument before he hacked his cousin into a hundred teeny tiny chunks._

_Ni spoke in his bunny voice, "Every one of them is so strong! It's what they wanted more than anything in the world!" He didn't add that a certain prince had made almost the exact same mistake as all the soldiers. That would just have been superfluous._

"_You mean there are forty-nine other monstrosities like this in the castle?" Needless to say, the spectacle before Hwan was a bit more severe that what had happened to Kougaiji. _

_Again, this had been Yumoa's bright idea, and again, Konran left the argument the moment it began, knowing for certain that to fight the pyroclastic flow that was Yumoa's childish need to have things a little **too** theatrical would result in a murder-suicide of epic proportions. To this day, there are debates over whether or not the god of Comedy is good or evil, though most evidence points to a choice "C": he simply can't tell a difference between inappropriate and appropriate. _

_Chaos was one of the "C" supporters._

"_This is the best chance we have at breaking Lydia's mind. When can you put these to work, Ni?"_

_The mad Professor tucked the bunny under one arm and put on a thinking face as he spun back around and typed a series of equations one-handedly into the computer console. "Four hours," he answered finally. "The sedatives have to wear off first."_

_Chaos nodded and drummed his fingers along the edge of the table, frowning a little at the more than disturbing creation before him. "Once the sedatives are all out of their systems, send them on the mission whether I am present or not. I've got to have this first phase finished as soon as possible. We're wasting valuable time."_

_His sister had been pacing slowly around the table toward the Professor's station observing the goings-on in a purely objective manner, but then she saw something that made her pause. "Konran, you do realize that this is the wrong chip, don't you?"_

_The look he gave her was somewhat irritable. "The minutiae are your expertise."_

_Seeing that her sibling was ignorant of the delicate balance required in all electronics, Chitsujo turned to Professor Ni and said flatly, "This chip is the opposite of the one we need. We need the girl alive, not dead. This chip will cause the experiments to berserk, whereas the other will prevent them from actually killing her. Damage can be healed, but if she dies, then this process must be repeated."_

"_Oh? My mistake." The professor set his bunny down, chuckling to himself and taking a slow drag on the cigarette before stubbing it out in his ashtray, and went over to the experiment to fiddle with the wiring under Order's watchful eye._

_Konran heard the apathy in Ni's voice and scowled slightly, feeling the familiar and strangely disconcerting sensation of his own emotions swirling and hovering in the air around him. He took comfort in the thought that his sister would make absolutely sure that everything the madman did was exactly as it needed to be for the plan to work. The emotions settled, and with a soft sigh he left the somewhat oppressive room to wander the halls in thought.

* * *

_

**_(Rasetsunyo's Chamber)_**

_Pacing and pacing and pacing…Kougaiji couldn't seem find the determination necessary to stop his incessant steps to and fro before his mother's entombed form. He knew that he had to obey if he wanted to save her, but to sacrifice a young girl to people like the Professor and the unstable Chaos didn't bode well at all with the prince's morals. Just the thought of what they wanted to do to her, let alone of how he would explain to his little sister that he hadn't had any other choice in the matter made him almost want to disobey._

_His only hope was that once the deed was done, Lydia would be strong enough to break free of whatever spell they planned to place on her. Dokugakuji and Yaone hadn't needed much time to discover the plan, and their reports had struck an unsettled cord in the prince's heart. He knew what Ni Jianyi was doing to trick the soldiers, and that only made it worse._

_Sounds to his back made Kougaiji finally pause in his pacing and turn to face the intruder. His suspicions only grew when he saw Yumoa shuffling along—still barefoot—across the cold stone floor, apparently counting the number of steps he was making._

"_What are you doing here?" the prince asked slowly, still unsure of Comedy's intentions for the entire debacle. He had befriended the girl, yet seemed to have no qualms about his cousin's plan to take everything from her but her life. Kougaiji couldn't forget, either, that this bizarre character was **openly** playing double-agent._

_Yumoa looked up from his counting, took note of the room, and broke into a pleased grin. "Well, I found the treasure after all!"_

_That made no sense. Kougaiji considered for perhaps the millionth time that maybe this god had been an accident. Maybe there was someone else out there in Lydia's world who was supposed to be the god of Comedy, but this clown was acting like a plugged drain, going nowhere and causing nothing but a huge mess._

_Unfortunately, humoring the fool seemed the only way to get answers._

"_What treasure?" questioned the prince, eyeing the clown in uncertainty._

_Yumoa seated himself Indian-style on the floor rather abruptly, and motioned for Kougaiji to do the same. "If you will?"_

_Pausing only briefly to remind himself that lashing out would only prolong the stupidity, the prince did as he was asked, and sat a couple of yards away, mirroring the god. "Now what?"_

"_Now I tell you that the mannequins are ready for combat, my liege," he giggled, giving a sloppy salute and quickly turning it into a prop for his chin. "But you don't like it. You can't stop them, you know. They're all insane—**we're** all insane—but the craziest is Lydia. She's not one person. She's lots and lots of people all rolled into one! More friends, but more enemies, too, wouldn't you agree?"_

"_Why are you telling me this?" Perhaps there was method to the madness, but not much, and not dense enough to aid the prince's understanding._

_Yumoa sighed in what could only be exasperation and sat up straight, wearing an expression of utter seriousness which threw Kou off guard. "You've given her to them, you realize, and you feel guilty. But I don't want you to feel guilty. _

"_Sanzo doesn't want to get involved, but he will, because he's traveling with the exact **wrong** people for maintaining a nice, uncomplicated journey, but Ni will send her back, and when she goes back, the wrong person will be in her head. This time she won't be deterred from pulling the trigger, and this time the blood won't wake her up._

"_Also, you have to realize that Konran is a god of **Chaos**. As with all things chaotic, he changes continually, and sometimes he can be very evil indeed."_

"_I know that," Kougaiji rejoined in impatience. "What does that have to do with anything?"_

_Again, Comedy sighed. For someone as nice as Kougaiji, the prince could certainly be narrow-minded at times. "Kou, what is the opposite of evil?"_

_Frowning, Kou replied slowly, "Good?"_

_Yumoa nodded once. "Yep. The thing about Chaos is that it's not something created by sentient beings. Chaos is the result of nature's forces battling each other for dominance of an ever-changing world. Konran is the same. He can be the carrion bird, or the tiger, or the deer, or the grass, or the stones, et cetera. Lately he's been kind of evil, but it should change eventually, unless Order is forced upon Chaos. _

"_And if all of that made no sense, let me just tell you that Konran doesn't always hate me. He's a very good friend sometimes. The only person he really hates is his sister—but shh! It's a secret!" Then he smiled, quite pleased with his speech, and proceeded to start drawing little pictures on the cold floor using his own body heat as the pen._

"_So what about the plans to capture Lydia? Where does all of that fit in?" Kougaiji frowned at Comedy, doubting everything once more. Why couldn't things just be simple again, like they had been when the Sanzo party had first started out?_

"_Oh, Lydia?" Yumoa pouted slightly at nothing. "I'd like it to go differently, but Kon had to do this. Normally the hierarchy goes by age, in which case I would be the one leading the Irony Gods—scary thought, huh?"_

_Kou nodded, thoroughly disturbed by the thought indeed._

"_But it's always worked out that Order and Chaos, the opposite ends of nature's spectrum, outrank Comedy and Tragedy, the opposite ends of the sentient spectrum. Age determines the **internal** hierarchy of the two pairs. Konran and Chitsujo are in charge. We have to do things their way."_

_Regarding Comedy's words and the various implications they held, Kougaiji rested his elbows on his knees and stared at the hairline fractures weaving through the stones underneath his white coat. "Is this really the only way we can do this?" he asked himself. He raised his head and turned to look up at his mother's frozen form, seemingly melded with the wall of stone. "Mother, I will save you, but is this the right way?"_

_Of course, she didn't reply, but what the prince hadn't counted on was the reply of someone else who had been watching the entire exchange in interest, and now wanted to speak with the prince himself…**Without** the presence of that intellectually deviant, pain-in-the-ass, useless sack of immortal flesh, Comedy._

"_There is no right way to earn your due," replied Konran, seeming to materialize from the shadowy corners of the chamber to stand between Kougaiji and Yumoa, frowning up at Rasetsunyo's tomb. _

_The prince gave a mild start, but Yumoa was undaunted, and cried cheerfully, "Kon! Let's play Twister!"_

_Kougaiji was almost shocked speechless at Comedy's blatant inability to grasp the gravity of a situation for more than a few moments at a time, and for once felt that Konran was justified in whipping out the katana and slashing it in his cousin's direction._

_However, Yumoa was no stranger to sudden and violent anger-driven attacks upon his person, and by the time the lighting-quick blade had reached his location, he'd simply stopped being there—or anywhere, for that matter. The only sign he left behind was the faintly eerie echo of a delighted giggle._

_Kougaiji was on his feet before the god finished his attack on the empty air where Yumoa had been sitting, holding his ground and determined not to back down. This monster had no right to be here!_

_From the way he sighed heavily and slowly replaced the katana, it was obvious to the prince that Konran had attacked for the simple purpose of chasing his nuisance cousin out of the room. Something had changed, though. Chaos had come for a reason…But that didn't matter much to Kou, who just wanted him **out**. "Leave this chamber immediately!" he snapped, indifferent towards the consequences of being short with the god._

_After a pause to let the prince's echo die down, Konran murmured, "I don't hate him, you know." _

"_What?" This was certainly not the reaction he had expected._

_Chaos continued as though Kou hadn't spoken at all. "I just go through phases where everything he does rubs me the wrong way. Of course, there are also times when he proves useful. He has no scruples at all, and loves everything that moves, so when I need information from a sensitive source, he's very persuasive."_

_Yet again, Kougaiji was baffled by the gods. None of them were sane, Yumoa was right about that—except maybe Chitsujo, but she was a neat-freak of epic proportions, which was odd too. "Why did you send him away?" he asked, already suspecting the answer._

"_To talk to you, of course. I hate having him around while I converse. He speeds all gossip." He ran a slender hand through his dark hair, an unconscious gesture either to ease the troubles in his thoughts or just to get the damn hair out of his eyes, and turned to face the prince with faintly glowing green-blue irises. "You question your choices?"_

_Kougaiji's fists clenched, and he ignored the pain of his claws digging into his palms. "Of course I do. I'd like to think that I'm not such a monster that I'd willingly permit what you've got planned for Lydia."_

_Yet again, the prince was caught unawares, but this time it was more subtle._

_At the mention of Lydia's name, the expression on the god's face went from curious and somewhat apathetic to borderline pained, but only for a brief moment. "I would do it differently if I could," he whispered, and then the mask dropped and all emotion left his expression. "So you think yourself a monster?"_

_It was almost like it hadn't happened, but Kougaiji knew better, and he stored that memory for when he might need it. Until then, however, he had to face the present. "No, I know I'm not a monster, but I can't forgive myself for it. I'm not the kind of person who wastes life like that, unlike **some** people." He didn't bother to hide the wrathful glare meant especially for Konran._

"_Wasting life is what mortals are best at," muttered Chaos, disregarding the glare and pointing at Kougaiji's mother. "In my world, things such as what has happened to your mother simply are not done. But when one cruelty is gone, another is quick to replace it. Pain is all the world seems capable of maintaining, because happiness requires so much work. Gaining trust is an arduous task, but one blunder and all is for naught."_

"_What are you getting at, Konran?" Kou pressed, his patience waning._

_Chaos looked at him and a look of profound sadness and anger slipped behind his eyes, hidden by the mask, but not by those windows. "You can't stop the natural order. It is the world's way, dimensional plane notwithstanding, to take as much as it gives. It's easier to move toward disorder than toward order, yet usually people strive for the latter, whether by stubbornness or pride, and fighting nature's way is not the best strategy._

"_Nature's disorder is necessary. Nothingness is the ultimate hell. Nothing good can survive where there is nothing at all to sustain upon, so intelligence and feeling force their way into a person's empty mind, spreading like plague throughout the populations, because the apex of true order is an utter lack—of soul, of emotion, of anything. People cannot live like that because it would kill them. Gods, however…" He left it at that._

"_I didn't understand a single word of what you just said," Kou stated evenly, figuring that it was best if he just made that clear upfront. _

"_But you will. Good luck saving your mother." The god smiled slightly, but it was a sad smile, and turned back to stare at the motionless youkai queen._

_Kougaiji wasn't quite sure of what to make of Konran's mood shift, but it didn't feel as threatening as it had been in Ni's lab. Come to think of it, Konran's behavior was consistently inconsistent, even more so than Yumoa's. But the prince wasn't able to confront him about it, because he was gone—vanished into the shadows more thoroughly than Comedy._

"_Damn it! What the hell is going on here?" he growled at the darkness.

* * *

_

_**(Ni's Lab, Just Before Zero-Hour)**_

"_You look tired," commented Yumoa from a computer chair as he stopped spinning it and frowned at the wrong Konran in worry. "Where have you been? The crazy guy's sending them right now."_

"_Oh, shut up for once in your miserable life!" beseeched Chaos, cracking sooner than normal and chucking a hidden dagger at his cousin's head in an automatic flash._

"_Hey!" protested Comedy as he caught the dagger at the hilt between his index and middle fingers and set it down on the desk. "I was expressing my concerns for your well-being! I didn't ask to play Twister that time!" A sly look came across his face, but Konran sensed it and threw him a no-nonsense glare._

"_Not now, Yumoa. I'm not in the mood." At that he stalked off in search of his sister, for whom he had been searching for some time now._

_Yumoa stared after him, suddenly not happy. Something was wrong with Konran again. _

_Very businesslike, he stood up, shook the tilt-a-whirl dizziness from his inner ears, and headed off barefoot to see what his favorite cousin and sometime best friend was up to.

* * *

_

**(Several Hours after Zero-Hour)**

Once again, driving. Endless driving, then sleeping on the ground, then driving and arguing with the kappa over the last bits of food, then stopping at a midget town for supplies and maybe decent sleeping arrangements, and then driving some more.

"I think I'm gonna lose my mind," I groaned, sticking my head over the two front seats and frowning down at the mommy and daddy of the group. "I'm so bored."

One dark amethyst eye peeked through Sanzo's golden bangs, but his irritation was lost on me. I was bored as hell and didn't give a crap.

"Don't give me that look!" I snapped with an edge of my own irritation. "Yeah, I'm not exactly sane to begin with, but it's a freaking figure of speech!"

"You're being noisy again," he replied icily, clearly having it in his head that he wanted a nap.

"Please, Sanzo! I'm begging on my hands and knees and face! I can't stand this monotony!" I cried in desperation. "How can any of you sit here hour after hour, doing absolutely nothing!"

"After a while, one grows accustomed to the circumstances," Hakkai said cheerily.

I frowned at him in borderline disgust. "You're a sad, strange little man. Rather than accepting a predetermined fate, you should be throwing yourselves out into the world to do things your way!"

"Nah, we run into enough trouble as it is while avoiding the rest of the world," Gojyo muttered. He had his coat pulled up over his face to block the blinding sun, so I whipped it off. "Argh! My eyes!"

"You're a pansy," I told him matter-of-factly.

"Gimme that back!" Squinting against the glare of the sun, he sat up and yoinked the coat back. I turned to the comatose monkey. Traitor. Sleeping while I was ready to kill something in my boredom! The nerve!

Sighing and near defeat, I looked ahead at the looming forest. It was my kind of forest, packed tight with ancient trees and vines, dark and forbidding even from a distance. Well…I would find something to do in there, and no way in hell was I sleeping on that godforsaken forest loam. Nope, I was gonna find me a nice crown of limbs and bunk up there for the night, even if I had to sneak away to do it.

But we still had about an hour left of driving…

"CURSE YOU, BUZZ LIGHTYEAR!" I cried suddenly at the top of my lungs, causing Hakkai to swerve slightly, Sanzo to beat me senseless with the fan, and Gojyo to yank me down and make me **Sit**. Goku merely slept on.

I wanted to ask Sanzo and Hakkai about something, but I had a feeling that they'd just make me shut up again, so I kept my senses to myself. Still, though, I couldn't ignore that nagging sensation in my mind, as though something were going on in the background and the focus was on the foreground. It felt like the feeling I got whenever I was trapped in a desperate situation, but not as acute, almost as if I were feeling it long-distance.

"Konran?" I whispered, too softly for anyone else to hear. And then I knew. It was sudden and almost painful, but in an instant I knew.

I would be seeing my other half _very_ soon.

* * *

_**(Author's Note)**_

_Dear reviewers. I love you all. You is all my friends, whether ye wants it or not! Keep reviewing! And you don't even have to be complimentary. Yell at me if need be to get what you want out of this tale! We all love Saiyuki, and we all have varying differences of opinion about characterizations and whatnot. Bring on the heat! I do this for you, as well as for my own entertainment! Oh, and check my profile for pics and links to all kinds of crap._


	20. Catnap: Theft of a Friend

**The Irony Gods: Chapter 20

* * *

**

_**(Author's Note)**_

_Hmm...this took almost no time at all. I'm finally getting a job. Taco Bell, but it's on base, so I'm cool with that. Yeah, I'm an Air Force Brat. No, I'm not joining. I lack patience for that sort of thing…OOH! DRAMA AND VIOLENCE! WHEEE! The crazy bits are dedicated to Pacioli, who is always changing her name. (chuckle) Fear not—I do that all the time._

_**Quote(s) of the Day**: "I was delirious! I'm allowed to make mistakes!"—Me, after too much COFFEE!_

"_Either my hair burned off in Hell, or I sleep-shaved it during a really stupid dream."—Nny, JtHM_

"_People felt bad for him so they didn't want to see his eyes get ripped out…but **I **did."**—**Jhonen Vasquez

* * *

_

**_Catnap: Theft of a Friend_**

**_(Kurai Mori—Dark Forest)_**

_Hakkai wasn't at all surprised when Lydia disappeared within moments of Sanzo's announcement that they were setting up camp just inside the perimeter of the forest. In fact, he had planned for it, and once she was gone and once Gojyo and Goku had begun pitching the tent—grumbling the whole time—he allowed Hakuryu to return to his dragon form and turned to Sanzo._

_The monk nodded once and indicated that they talk where the other two couldn't overhear and cause a riot._

"_You sensed it, too?" he asked in an undertone once they were near a particularly large cypress at the edge of the clearing where they planned to spend the night._

"_Yeah. The only question is whether or not the Stray realizes that they're so close." Sanzo frowned over at the arguing monkey and cockroach. They couldn't even set up a tent without starting something._

_Hakkai smiled faintly at the argument. "I think she does. Did you notice how quiet she became when we first sighted the forest?"_

"_Sure, but I **did** hit her pretty hard. I was hoping that she had just learned the lesson." He paused to light a cigarette, and the instant effect of the nicotine helped him refrain from shooting the two idiots. "Then again, I get the feeling that she's a little too relentless to give up after a only a few good whacks."_

"_Then why would she deliberately wander off the second the jeep stopped?" This was the part that confused Hakkai, and the little dragon _cheeped_ his parallel view on the matter from his perch on his master's shoulder._

_Sanzo smirked and folded his arms inside the sleeves of his robe. "That's an easy one. She's so bored that she doesn't give a damn whether or not she gets in trouble. The Stray is a stray, after all. Maybe if we're lucky we'll get rid of her here."_

"_Sanzo!" Hakkai said reprovingly, though not without a brief struggle to keep the smile from his face. He knew the monk wouldn't just abandon the girl, but sometimes he felt that he took things a little too far._

_Sanzo shrugged, flicked away some ash, and refolded his arms. "Feh," he replied stubbornly. "Don't forget the plan, Hakkai. We won't ditch her completely, but we need that edge."_

_Shaking his head and finally letting himself smile, Hakkai watched as Goku and Gojyo finally completed their task, then turned to walk into the forest. "I'll go find some dry wood to start a fire," he told the taciturn priest, not waiting for a reply before assuming his duties as caretaker and chef of this band of misfits._

_Once the man-turned-youkai was gone, Sanzo headed back over to the campsite to berate the fools for setting their tent up crookedly. He had his own duties, though they were much more satisfying to the priest than Hakkai's duties would have been._

_

* * *

_

**(Lydia's Perch)**

I found the biggest tree in the forest that was close enough to the campsite to see the orange glow of the fire. The sun hadn't yet set as I picked and pulled my way up the considerable girth of the trunk, but the moon was already visible above the horizon, just beginning its trek across the night sky. I had maybe twenty minutes left of useful sun before darkness fell across the already shadowed forest, and afterwards, I would need all the light the moon would afford me.

Taking a comfortable perch in the canopy of this strange breed of cypress—it seemed to share RNA with live oak considering the growth pattern of the branches—I sat down and relaxed into the natural curves. There was just something so special about being in a tree and watching the expansive world around me.

From my perch I watched the sun set, and once the fire was blazing I could see the four figures moving around the leaping flames. Behind me, in the east, I felt the moon's rays like soft wind against my back. I was such a nature nut sometimes. Not PETA level nature nut, but definitely mountain hiker level nature nut.

I could hear Goku shouting at Gojyo about some trifle, and Hakkai's laughter when the kappa retorted, and Sanzo's piercing gunfire when it got out of hand—all from the isolation of my perch. Watching them reminded me once more that I wasn't supposed to be in this world at all, and though the thought made me a little sad, I willingly accepted that outcome. It wasn't fate, but it was unavoidable nonetheless. Eventually, though I couldn't say exactly when, I would have to go back to my dimensional plane and the Sanzo party would have to resume their journey west.

But still, that nagging from before hadn't gone away, and pulsed at regular intervals like the beating of an incredibly slow heart. Every time it throbbed, I could almost hear a voice, and I looked west toward Houtou castle, knowing well and for certain that Konran was there, waiting for me.

I looked now, wondering why he was in distress—because that was the problem. Something was nagging at him, so it was nagging at me as well, though I was in the dark as to what it was.

"Konran," I muttered dryly, "you had better watch your ass. Just 'cause you and I are two parts of some divine thing doesn't mean I won't tear into you the first chance I get." That bastard had dragged me all the way over here, and now it felt like he was having doubts. Hell, he was acting like I did when faced with difficult choices!

_Do you sense that?_ REASON asked suddenly after a long silence.

I gave a mild start, but fast recovered and snapped rhetorically, "I hate that! Can't you at least _try_ not to scare me to death?" Then I addressed his question with extreme eloquence, "What the hell kind of crap do you think I should be sensing, anyway?"

The voice sighed in clear exasperation, and responded patiently, _There is a powerful force encroaching from the west. It has already breached the perimeter of the forest on that side. I put the ETA in about four minutes._

I frowned deeply and felt my eyes go wide. "What kind of force?"

_Youkai, but…there is something strange about these. They seem to have been tampered with._

I didn't even bother trying to decipher that gibberish, and instead stood up in my perch and began climbing much higher into the canopy for a better view, asking as I went, "How many?"

_Fifty or so. What are you planning on doing?_ the voice inquired suspiciously.

"Fight, of course!" I declared, lifting the right leg of my jeans and looking at the long, neat scar from the last youkai encounter. It was still pink, but I've always been a rather quick healer. My forehead had been healed completely for a few days now, save for a small white scar. I was okay for another battle.

_You're going to fight fifty youkai on your own_, REASON stated doubtfully.

"No, but I'll try and get a peek at them before running over to tell the others of the approaching threat. If I just say that my brain gave me the information, they might ignore me."

_Good point_, admitted the voice. _Meanwhile, I shall go and secure MEMORY a bit more solidly, just in case._

"You do that."

I felt REASON slip away to tend to my darker aspects, and finally reached as high as I could go without breaking any branches. Fortunately, the tree was the tallest in the immediate area, and in the bright silvery moonlight I could just barely make out motion on the western end. REASON was right. They weren't even trying to hide their movements, yet progressed in utter silence, much unlike the usual youkai attacks.

"I have to tell the others," I murmured, quickly starting back down.

* * *

_**(Back at the Campsite)**_

"_Hey, d'ya hear that?" Goku asked everyone just as he finished his second bowl of what Lydia fondly called "Hobo Stew". Golden eyes scanned the darkness surrounding the campfire's sphere of light, but could discern nothing conclusive._

"_Sounds like someone shouting," agreed the kappa, facing east, the direction from which the shouts were coming._

_Sanzo didn't even look up when he grumbled, "It's just the Stray making more noise. She's probably arguing with herself."_

_The other three had to admit that it was a possibility, but then Hakkai's entire attitude flipped and he turned west, frowning intently at the darkness on that side. "Guys, I think we're in a bit of trouble."_

_At the same time, Lydia burst into the small clearing and shouted, "Fifty youkai! They're coming from the west…almost here!" Then she paused and looked at the empty bowls. "Hey, you guys ate without me?"_

"_Not our fault if you wanted to run off," muttered Sanzo as he drew his gun and made sure that it was fully loaded. "Now could you focus on something more important than the food?"_

_She shot him an irate frown, but complied anyway, reaching over her shoulder with her left hand and drawing the sword from its sheath. "Come on, Ryushi," she murmured to the blade. "There's a battle to be fought."_

_And just as the words left her mouth, the first of Ni Jianyi's "knights" entered the clearing, brandishing an enormous axe and startling everyone so badly that for perhaps the first time ever, the cigarettes fell from both Gojyo's **and** Sanzo's mouths. Sir Galahad would have had an aneurysm, a seizure, a heart attack, and a stroke all at the same time if he had known that the freak was called a "knight"._

_The…thing…was at least twice Gojyo's height and had the look of a bodybuilder's science project gone horribly wrong. There were muscles where they didn't belong and others where they did belong, but expanded so out of whack that they needed new names. Hell, the thing's **biceps** were like Guinness World Record-quality watermelons, and atop monstrous shoulders sat a normal-sized, yet now proportionately inaccurate head. Steroids on steroids wasn't an inaccurate enough description of the thing._

_However, that wasn't the truly disturbing part. The truly disturbing part was the implants._

_Steel tubes and plates and panels and components were integrated into the creature's flesh like Star Trek Borg costumes on acid, PCP, and every other hallucinogen imaginable. Its eyes were little more than twin lenses roughly carved into the monster's face, revealing a largely metallic bone structure not unlike the Terminator when he was all beat up near the end of the second movie. The arm wielding the axe was at least five times larger than the other, and made almost entirely of robotic parts. The other was purely flesh…but still lacked an appearance which could be comprehended by even the most imaginative of comic book junkies._

_Upon seeing the five tiny figures on the ground near the campfire, the…thing…paused for a deathly silent moment. Then it gave an earth-shattering roar, and the five companions watched frozen as dozens more creatures appeared around the clearing, metal parts gleaming in the firelight on some, while the rest remained little more than intangible shadows just beyond the—barely—comforting glow of the fire. _

"_Shit," commented Sanzo, still staring up at the thing before them._

"_Yeah, that about covers it," Gojyo muttered._

"_Y'know, I don't feel all that hungry anymore, come to think of it," Lydia added, twisting her seemingly minute Ryushi's grip in both hands and wondering where to start._

"_I'm not hungry anymore, either," agreed Goku._

_Everybody suddenly forgot the horde of barbarian cyborg youkai bearing down on them and turned to stare in disbelief at the monkey._

"_Shit, I suppose we're doomed, then," Hakkai stated flatly, the first to slowly turn back to the immediate problem._

_Everyone else but Goku simply nodded, and the monkey frowned, wondering what he had done to make everyone act so hopeless all of a sudden, as he, too, turned to face their adversaries._

"_Damn you, Irony Gods!" Lydia shouted angrily. The others were of like opinion._

_

* * *

_

_**(Lydia's POV)** _

In all honesty I didn't know what the hell I was thinking, making the first attack on the whatever-the-hells. Retrospectively, it was probably a dumb idea. Then again, I got the feeling that any of us making the first move, including the pissy priest, was a dumb idea. This thought did remarkably little to comfort me as I threw caution to the wolves and kicked every moment of formal and informal training I had ever received into high gear, charging the first whatever-the-hell with reckless abandon and unbridled irritation.

I **_really_** liked hobo stew, and now I couldn't have any. The bastards.

Luckily, the thing didn't have enough time to react to my outburst of an attack. It could do very little to stop me diving between its monstrous legs, hooking my hand on the waistband of its enormous jeans, and launching myself up onto its expansive back to deliver a killing blow to its brain stem. The head rolled off to one side and the not-so-neck spurted a literal fountain of hot, dark blood into the crisp air, actually giving off steam.

"Aww, yeah!" I crowed, riding the body to the ground as it collapsed and twirling Ryushi, my newly named sword, over my head like a helicopter blade.

The other four sort of stared as the thing started to twitch uncontrollably with me standing on top, but instead of congratulating me on my victory, Hakkai said slowly, "Lydia, I don't think it's dead."

"What? I decapitated the thing! Of course it's dead!" I even stamped my foot on the hard, meaty back for emphasis, but then Gojyo pointed at the steel arm.

"Um, it's getting back up, and the other ones don't really look like they're all that worried."

"**_EH?_**" I watched in utter horror as the arm did indeed grip the axe handle more tightly, position itself to one side, and begin to lift the monster up again. Oh, **_hell_** no! Before the thing was an inch off the ground, I spun Ryushi point-down at its spinal column and drove the blade as hard and as deep as I could through not only the spine, but the heart and lungs as well. Then I twisted the blade and jerked it back out to catch some more internal organs and another large chunk of spine on the hook, and ripped those out as well. It was kind of like fishing, except instead of a pond, it was a body; and instead of fish, they were the internal organs; and instead of water, it was lots and lots of blood.

In response to the second attack, the monster seized and bucked like a stationary avalanche for several scary moments, then at last collapsed completely, twitching only every few seconds like a badly wired toy.

"See?" I declared, hopping down from the carcass and approaching the other four. "Dead now, ain't it?"

Gojyo's eye twitched as he gave me a completely freaked-out look. "You're a goddamn psychopath, Lydia."

I shrugged and noticed the rest of the giants as they began to stir at the death of their comrade. "Yeah, I'm a psychopath, Gojyo, but any sane person wouldn't be here at all. C'mon, monkey. You're on my team."

Goku grinned, totally ready for the fight and brimming with energy, and glanced at Gojyo. "What's th' matter, kappa? Scared?"

"Wha—_scared?_" The cockroach materialized his _shakujou_ in response and put on his game face, crimson irises glinting in the firelight. "What's the word, monk?"

Sanzo turned his guarded amethyst gaze on the shuffling horde and scowled. "Bastard Konran, I'm putting a bullet through his head when I see him. Hakkai?"

Hakkai smiled, but it was his scary smile, the kind a person wears while tearing the entrails from a person when he's still alive enough to feel it. "Oh, I think this abomination of nature should be dealt with accordingly," he said with an air of pleasant menace. The one visible dark green eye narrowed to a slit as he turned to survey our attackers.

"Then what are we waiting for?" I demanded, antsy to get hacking.

And so, with Goku and myself leading the assault, we charged the monsters head-on, incapable of knowing the outcome, but determined not to let a little thing like a posse of genetically- and mechanically-enhanced youkai cyborg giants stand in our way.

_**

* * *

**_

_**(Houtou Castle)**_

_Konran finally found Chitsujo in his room, organizing the endless stacks of research and design into comprehensive files without any difficulty whatsoever. He growled faintly, approaching his sister with well-taught caution, "The attack has begun."_

"_Why do you sound so distressed?" she inquired in monotonous reply, setting yet another alphabetized stack of information into its assigned cubby in the wall of cubbies._

_Chaos hated order, and his sister's incessant paper-shuffling grated on his frayed nerves like steel wool. "You know damn well why," he replied shortly._

"_So once again…" she trailed off and finally put the stack down, turning to face her brother with glowing, acid-yellow eyes. "You are very difficult at times, brother."_

_Konran scowled, his own gaze giving off a faint, blue-green luminescence. "I will have my powers, Chitsujo. Just you watch. Lydia won't die for the likes of you."_

"_The likes of **me**?" She tossed her stick-straight, ankle-length white hair behind her shoulder and blinked at him. "All I desire is silence and organization. I have done everything you have asked of me, brother. Perhaps you should keep that in your thoughts before spouting insults so carelessly."_

"_I **will** have my powers!" he reiterated, glowering at his twin. "Mark my words, **Order**,"—he practically spat her name like a curse—"it's different this time. I won't allow this perversion of nature to occur, and I am through with you. You think I can't do it, so you tag along to have your fun, but I tell you now that it's over."_

_Her expression never changed, and her tone never altered as she passed Konran on her way out. _

"_We shall see, little brother."_

* * *

**(Kurai Mori)**

If the first botched science project had been any indication of the others, this fight would have been just a matter of using our smaller sizes to combat the enormous things with speed and strategy. Picking them off one by one would have worked just dandy.

Unfortunately, the first had indicated absolutely nothing of value, other than the fact that stabbing meaty things was excellent stress relief. Nope, the rest of the monsters were just as quick as us, though perhaps not as small, and had the advantage of steel armor in some places, which pissed Sanzo off to no end.

While the other three sprinted off to hold the perimeter of the clearing, Goku and I took to the trees and Hakuryu took to the air, spotting for all of us.

"Oy! Monkey, behind you!" I shouted as pair of beasts emerged from the trees swinging twelve-foot broadswords like they weighed nothing at all.

In a single blurred movement, Goku backflipped off the branch he had been crouched on and landed neatly on the thing's back, taking my strategy and aiming for the spinal column with his extended _nyoi-bo_.

I would have helped, but before I could clamber through the branches, three more of the monsters appeared in my intended path, waving their various weapons menacingly and gnashing their proportionately tiny mouths like freak pirhannas grafted onto mountains of flesh. Somehow, I felt much less guilty about not going vegan.

"Okie dokie, boys. C'mon! Let's see you catch _this_ alley cat!" Holding Ryushi by the grip and pinning it tight against the length of my left arm, I scrambled up higher into the canopy of thick vines and mossy limbs, finding what I sought within seconds. "Hakuryu!" I shouted to the dragon as it flapped in elliptical circuits overhead.

He heard me through the roars of the monsters and swooped down cheeping wildly.

"Calm down, I need a little favor." I pointed at the enraged beasts below. "Do you think you could set fire to the scrub brush all around the campsite and on the ground among the trees? It'll give us light, and might help disorient these things."

He seemed to hesitate briefly, then visibly steeled himself and nodded, diving through the dense trees effortlessly and igniting strips of brush and dried wood with his breath. As I had suspected might be the case, the flames illuminated as well as disoriented the creatures well enough to give us a better edge. Upon setting fire to a small line of saplings to block in the clearing and finishing his work, he flapped back up to me.

"Kyuu!" he cheeped, then took off once more to watch over the others.

"Thanks, Hakuryu!" I called, surveying the rampaging monsters below and waiting for one to pass close enough for me to jump down and attack.

I didn't have to wait long, and when the thing thundered along beneath me, I dropped from the tree limb and plunged Ryushi deep into the thing's back, aiming for the heart and lungs with a sideways stab because of a series of steel plates protecting the spine from injury. Every creature seemed to have been made differently from the others, varying not only in weaponry, but implants as well.

I cursed the beast's thick hide with feeling and shoved as hard as I could against Ryushi's hilt, finally feeling the blade crush through whatever bones were in the way and driving into the squishy innards. "Crap, I'll need new shoes after this," I grumbled at the blood gushing from the wound like red syrup, all over my black suede sneakers. The monster screamed and shuddered, only splashing more.

And then my sixth and seventh senses gave a jolt, and on instinct I pulled my blade free and spun just in time to see a massive fist flying toward me too quickly to dodge. I braced myself and whipped Ryushi out to catch some of the blow, but then a flash of silver streaked out of nowhere, slicing it off at the wrist and making the beast let out a deafening roar of pain and rage.

Heart pounding like a jackhammer and cold sweat popping out all over my skin, I turned to see Gojyo on a tree limb above me, wearing a pleased grin like the Cheshire cat and withdrawing the sickle on its long chain. "Thanks, dude," I breathed, still holding my footing even as the creature below me attempted to reach behind its back to grab me. Thankfully, muscles that big offer little in the way of flexibility.

"Watch your back now!" he chuckled, springing off to kick ass elsewhere and waving a cigarette at me.

I shook my head and sighed, then instantly returned to the fight, swinging Ryushi faster than a viper strike and severing the hand attempting to grab me. The second monster brought its massive hammer to bear and swung it hard my way, but I dodged to one side and leapt up to catch a branch as the hammer smashed down onto its comrade's back, ending that one's life quickly.

I pulled myself up and crouched on the sturdy branch, at last feeling an edge of worry. The fire was enough to see by, but the underbrush was too damp to afford more than a slight smoke screen. From what I could see, there were far too many of the monsters to just pick off one by one, especially if the fires died down and left us in the dark again, and many of them were so heavily armored that our weapons were useless.

"I can't do this without help," I murmured to myself.

_You know I cannot fight_, REASON answered, sharing in my uneasiness.

"Then what can we do? I'm good, but I'm not _that_ good as I am now." I caught sight of Sanzo sprinting through the trees and couldn't stop the yelp from leaving my lungs when one of the smaller of the creatures stepped into his path and shoved him hard against a tree. He was still moving, but I was done playing nice.

_Lydia, what are you doing?_ the voice asked slowly, probably already knowing what I was planning.

"Let him go," I whispered, already starting through the branches toward where the four had gathered.

_Lydia, no! You'll be playing into Konran's hands!_

"I don't give a damn. They're in trouble because of me. I can't let them die for me. Now let him go before I make you let him go." I was close now, almost near enough to attack the largest monster.

REASON didn't wait to be told again, and I felt the door in my mind slam open in the rush of energy.

It was like grabbing a live wire, but without the burns, and as MEMORY stepped up and awakened HATE, I didn't fight it for the first time in my life. In fact, I welcomed it, and said only, "Kill the creatures," as I receded to the back seat in my mind, watching with bated breath when my body took on a mind of its own.

Bones smashed, flesh flew, blood splashed by the gallon all over my body, but I wasn't in control now. I felt Ryushi plunge dozens of times into multiple enemies, but barely even noticed the ache in my limbs when the flat of a goliath blade slammed me against a tree trunk hard enough to throw me off balance for a second or two. I growled and slipped out from under the blade, letting the memories drive me onward to ignore pain and lunge at the beast with absolute disregard of my own health. With HATE ruling me, every action was an act of suicidal insanity. I turned that rage upon everything that tried to hurt me.

As Ryushi found and hooked yet another gory spinal column, my eyes set on Goku for a split moment, but it was enough to see his shock at my actions, and enough to tell me that he could see injuries I couldn't feel from where I was. Nothing short of a coma could put me out of commission this late in the game.

* * *

_**(The Other Side of the Clearing)**_

_Goku had sensed the change before he saw Lydia tear out of the canopy and utterly destroy two of the creatures on her way to where Sanzo and Gojyo and Hakkai were fighting, and without hesitation he followed to join them and help in the standoff. He was relieved to see that her brief disappearance hadn't been the result of some mishap. There were too many of the things to fight one by one—it would take forever—but if they made a full assault then they might be able to take out many at a time._

_But unlike the monkey, Sanzo saw Lydia's change in attitude as more than the solidification of a battle plan or a sign that she was still okay. He had a fairly good idea that her ruthless violent attacks now meant she had finally snapped, and the increased pressure of power in the air only helped to confirm his suspicions. The energy wasn't quite like anything he had experienced, however. When Goku went berserk, it was like a continual increase in his chi until he became an unstoppable menace._

_Lydia, however, emitted the pressure, but it was almost as though the energy was just channeling through a clear pipe, allowing the light out, but keeping the bulk of the power inside._

"_Should we hold back and let it happen?" Hakkai asked the monk as he caught up and focused a blast of concentrated chi at an approaching monster. The energy vaporized most of the thing's flesh, but the metal parts were untouched, and fell to the ground in a messy heap._

"_Konran won't let her die, and she's already snapped, so let's just keep ourselves from getting iced until whatever is supposed to happen happens." He ducked under another monster's swift blade just in time to save himself from decapitation, then darted to the side and ran up a tree, flipped onto the thing's shoulders, and placed two precision-guided shots into it. One severed the spine and the other pierced the heart, and the mutant collapsed like an unstrung puppet. It hadn't taken long for Sanzo to get into a killing pattern, though the more heavily armored monsters were practically immune to his shots._

_Gojyo dropped down from the tree behind them and stared at the carcass for a moment before saying to the corrupt monk, "Um, nice one. And is it just me or did Lydia turn on a second ago? Also, these things aren't fighting as hard as they were a second ago."_

"_We noticed," muttered Sanzo as he reloaded his banishing gun and frowned at the half-breed. "Hey, kappa."_

"_What?" Gojyo turned away from watching the monkey stab straight through one of the monsters with his _nyoi-bo_ and squinted at the priest._

_Clicking the gun back together, he glanced around to make sure they weren't going to be attacked, then replied in an undertone, "When they take her, don't do a single goddamn thing to stop them, got that?"_

_Gojyo stared in shock. Perhaps he hadn't heard right. "Wha—Sanzo?"_

"_You heard me the first time. We need an inside man, and Kougaiji agreed to help us get rid of the gods. The stray needs to be taken in order for the plan to work."_

_Seeing that the kappa wanted to argue, Hakkai interjected, "Gojyo, please don't worry. I have every confidence that she will pull through."_

"_Sure, I don't doubt that she'll wake up, but she's going to hate herself when she does!" he argued anyway._

_Sanzo scoffed, "Idiot. She already hates herself, and besides, it's too late now. Look."_

_The other two spun around and watched in horror as the girl was finally struck down so hard by one monster's club that a cloud of leaves went up around her. When things settled, she lay still at an odd angle, and before any of them had even moved the creature let out a high-pitched shriek, picked her up, and instantly bolted away._

_Less than a nanosecond later, Goku sprang out of a nearby tree and landed at a crouch before them, shouting desperately, "They just took her! Guys, c'mon!" He made to give chase, but the monk grabbed his arm and shook his head. "Sanzo? Let go! We gotta get her back!"_

"_We…can't," whispered Gojyo, watching in broken shock as the youkai "knights" vacated the forest within moments._

"_Not you too!" cried the monkey, still struggling against Sanzo's steel grip. He didn't understand. Why would they betray her? She was in trouble! "We can't leave her ta die!"_

"_Goku, enough!" Hakkai cut in sharply, giving the boy a look which said plainly that the argument was over. "She will be fine. This is the only way for us to get to Konran." Afraid of Hakkai's anger, Goku complied._

"_So what are we doing?" Gojyo asked dubiously. He wasn't any happier about this than the monkey, but he was smart enough to see that the other two had a plan._

"_We follow at a distance," Sanzo stated. "Kougaiji will be keeping us informed."_

_The sound of flapping wings indicated that Hakuryu had returned, and the little dragon lighted on Hakkai's shoulder, looking forlorn. The others didn't have to look too hard to see that the tiny lizard felt guilty for not spotting the danger in time to help, and Hakkai patted him gently._

"_Don't worry, Hakuryu. We'll get her back soon."_

_Sanzo glared down at the young sage and demanded tightly, "Are you going to run or are you going to listen?"_

_Scowling, he hesitated, then hung his head. "Tell me what ta do," he muttered in defeat._

"_Good."_

_More flapping visited them then, and this time the little dragon was one of the confused as a large black carrion bird perched on a low-hanging tree limb and dropped a tiny scroll of paper before them. It let out a cry as if to say, "**Read** it already, so I can go **home**_."

_Sanzo picked up the scroll and unrolled it, then frowned and shot a glare at the bird, which had vanished already without the faintest sound. That hadn't surprised the priest at all._

"_What does it say?" asked Goku, anxious and afraid._

_Sanzo handed it to Gojyo, who read it once and crushed he paper in his fist. "It says 'Thank You'."

* * *

_

**_(Author's Note)_**

_Betcha didn't expect monsters like that! I was giggling the entire time I was describing those things. I like writing about freaks. I credit the idea of their appearance to one of Squee's "Meanwhiles" and a recent showing of Terminator 2 on Sci-Fi. Hmm…I think it's about time for Chapter 21 to come into being. Much thanks to reviewers, for I love you all like a limb! Up next…the feral cat and her adventures in Vicodinland! (well, not really, but **close**)_


	21. Evil: A Matter of Opinion

**The Irony Gods: Chapter 21

* * *

**

_**(Author's Note)**_

_This may prove by far the most entertaining chapter to write. Damn, I need some good ol' fashioned madness!_

_**Quote(s) of the Day**: "In the beginning, there was nothing—which then exploded."—Bumper Sticker _

"_Don't eat me, Grandpa!"—Squee, Squee's Wonderful Big Giant Book of Unspeakable Horrors_

"_I like fruit baskets, because they enable you to mail somebody fruit without appearing insane."—Dimitri Martin, Comedian

* * *

_

_**Evil: A Matter of Opinion**_

_**(Houtou Castle)**_

_When Yumoa heard the exchange between Konran and Chitsujo, all of his suspicions were confirmed. For once he tried his best to keep the elation from getting the best of him—he understood well that they had reached a critical juncture, and that Konran's expected breakdown was only the beginning._

_When Chitsujo left the room and Konran in it, the Comedy god's form shimmered out of view, much like dunking a piece of clear glass into water—there was a faint outline, but unless one knew what to look for, finding it would be a challenge. As soon as she was completely gone, however, he returned to the visible realm and slipped into Konran's room, shutting the door firmly behind him._

_Chaos shot him a more-than-irritated frown upon seeing Yumoa so soon after the confrontation with his sister, but Comedy was not so easily thwarted._

"_Welcome back," greeted Yumoa with a smirk. "About time you came around."_

_Konran's frown never wavered. "I was not aware that I had even left."_

"_Oh, no, you don't!" Yumoa shouted suddenly, approaching his cousin without hesitation. "You're disintegrating again, just like I knew you would. Order never could keep her strings on you for long. Nature's Order **is** Chaos, after all."_

_The other god glared at him. "It was different this time, Yumoa. It was very different this time."_

_He just shook his head and folded his arms across his chest, as smug as a bug in a rug—though he never had quite understood why the bug was smug when all that stood between him and the afterlife was a Dyson that never lost suction. At all. Not a sausage. Commercials were confusing—but wait, he was distracted again._

"_How is it different?" he demanded a bit harshly._

_Konran had not missed his cousin's attentions wandering through the absurdities in his head, but didn't address it, for fear of losing the idiot entirely. "I asked her to do it this time, and she complied."_

"_What? Asked? You mean, you **volunteered** puppetude?" This was certainly news!_

_The other nodded once. "I was tired of being second, so I made a wager with my sister. If I win, then she swears never to hold me again, and if I lose, I will give myself over as a permanent puppet."_

_Comedy's jaw dropped, hit the ground, then retracted back up in shock. "No! You can't do this to us, Kon!"_

_The glare was backed by real anger this time when Chaos replied icily, "What I choose for myself is my own decision to make. I'm sick of being the lower god. Nature favors me, yet she usurps my rightful place! I think not, Yumoa. This has to happen."_

_Yumoa would hear none of it, his happy heart breaking. "You mean to say that you did all those horrible things because you **wanted** to do them?"_

"_It had to be done. I was just too weak to do it without her spell." Even Kon couldn't fight the doubt in his words, but he stood by them anyway. They were all he had._

_In a very bold move for the lesser god, Comedy grabbed his taller cousin by the arm and spun him roughly to face forward. "So compassion is **weakness?**_/_ So you have no problem at all with sacrificing **her** for your pride?_/_!" he almost screamed, madder than he had ever been. This was Tragedy's job, to feel the hurt and be sad, but Yumoa couldn't fight it when he saw the painful resolve in his friend's eyes. "By Zeus, Kon, what have you done?"_

_He couldn't fight the accusations in his cousin's gaze, so Chaos looked away. "I had to do it. There's no other way for me to obtain my powers."_

"_Oh, and so the end justifies the means, is that it?" Yumoa shoved Konran's arm away from himself and took a step back. "All of your talk before was a lie? It was all pretense to gain Chitsujo's demented side to further your own aspirations?"_

"_No! It was **not** pretense!" In an instant, Konran jerked around and did the one thing he had never done to Comedy: he punched him in the nose._

_Yumoa cried out in pain and fell to his knees, blinking through unstoppable tears—getting punched in the nose hurt like hell! Konran's fist unclenched immediately upon seeing his handiwork, and he dropped to the ground as well and cursed loudly, pulling a handkerchief out of thin air—literally—and giving it to Comedy._

_Much to Konran's relief, Comedy actually laughed past the tears and took the cloth to clean himself up, then muttered softly once he had finished, "Well, I guess that answers that. But what now?"_

_Chaos stared at him at a total loss, the glow in his eyes diminishing as his resolve broke. "I don't know. I can't stop it now. I've already set it too far into motion."_

_Yumoa's smile wilted away at the sight of his best friend's pain."What if she dies?" _

"_I won't allow that. I've seen the consequences which follow the death on an earthly equivalent, and we all know that there is only one of us who can survive it." The mere thought of those consequences haunted him, but there was one other thought that haunted him more._

"_Huh, so you **do** want to keep your soul, after all?" Yumoa teased._

_Konran frowned and stood back up. "Come on, idiot. We have to work quickly now."_

"_Yessir!" Happy once more, Comedy trotted along beside his bestest friend and wondered to himself whether or not Konran would ever admit the truth.

* * *

_

**(Lydia's Subconscious)**

This was different. It was so much darker now, yet I hadn't felt a thing. I knew that I was in danger, that my body was at its limit, but where I was, I didn't give too much of a damn. When true darkness finally fell in my head, little heed was paid.

REASON surfaced and looked down at me with reproving eyes. "I told you this was a bad idea," she sighed, proffering a hand for me to take.

"Hey, I can hear you," I murmured dazedly, reaching up and taking the assistance to get to my feet. I looked around at the nothingness and frowned. "Damn, I hope I'm not this empty-headed for real."

"Only ten percent of your brain, Lydia." She pointed out a dot of light to one side. "That is where the consciousness is, but I'm afraid your stupid idea has trapped us in here, and given total control over HATE."

"I'm unconscious again? Isn't that bad for my health?"

"Yes, and so is all that caffeine you've been drinking, but I'm not going to nitpick," she said dryly.

"How are we getting out of here?" I searched for an exit sign or something, but to no avail. The only real way out was through that pinhole.

She smiled slightly, but it was my smile that she wore—come to think of it, she looked exactly like I would have if I ever cut my hair and wore my glasses. "Only you can go through, so I'll just have a seat while you attempt to save our sanity."

I gasped, "Bitch!"

She just shrugged and sat down on an extension of the nothingness. Apparently, I was on my own, so I did the only thing I knew to do—I took Ryushi (subconscious form) and started picking at the hole like a scab, widening it by tiny increments. This was going to take a while.

* * *

_**(The Chase)**_

_The Sanzo party wasted no time in pursuing the fleeing abominations of nature, but the whole ride was strangely silent. Even the jeep's rumbling engine seemed to have a softer tone than usual. No one spoke, but speaking was unnecessary anyway—they were all thinking about one thing: kicking Konran's ass. The monsters in the forest had been bad enough, but, even though it had been the plan all along, Lydia finally giving in to her darker aspects didn't sit well with any of them. Konran was perceived as the source of this discomfort, and therefore was the target of their collective rage._

_However, after some time, it became apparent that the monsters weren't headed for Houtou Castle at all, but toward another, possibly more unsettling location._

_Hakkai stared in surprise as the tower came into view. "Sanzo, that looks like…"_

"_Homura's castle," the priest finished for him, not liking this one iota, but determined not to let it show._

"_Wasn't it destroyed?" Goku asked quietly, reliving multiple painful memories all at once._

_Sanzo glanced back at the ape, who was sitting up in his seat and gripping the edge of the jeep tightly enough to mottle his knuckles, and replied evenly, "Don't forget that we're dealing with more gods, monkey."_

"_Quit callin' me monkey!" he snapped briefly before turning to glare at the tower. "Why would Konran want Homura's tower rebuilt?"_

"_Probably to set up a base of operations away from Kougaiji and Gyumaoh," Hakkai surmised. "Don't think too hard on it. It's not the same tower. It's not even the same color." Indeed the tower had taken on the deep red color of fresh blood._

_This similarity was not lost on the kappa, whose antennae twitched uneasily at the situation. "And how are we getting in?"_

"_Very quietly," muttered the monk. "One peep and you're up next on those monsters' lunch menu."_

_Gojyo frowned, but for once couldn't find it in him to argue, because Sanzo was right. They needed to infiltrate, not invade. They were in enemy territory now, and this time they didn't know what to expect.

* * *

_

_**(Houtou Castle)**_

"_They have her?" demanded Konran as he burst into the Professor's lab in a rush. News traveled fast when Yumoa was around to hear it, and the sudden rush of power and energy had been an indicator as well._

_The demented man twirled lazily in his hair and leaned back to look at the two gods upside-down. "Hmm? Oh, Lydia? Yes, she is in the custody of my knights. She gave quite the battle, but was overwhelmed nevertheless."_

"_Are they going to Homura's old tower as I specified?" Chaos asked warily, ready to detect the smallest lie._

_Ni grinned and held up a new, smaller Borg Bunny. "Take me with you!" he squeaked._

_Yumoa squealed with joy and snatched up the bunny, hugging it in a manner that could only be described as savage. "Yes! I've always wanted a bunny! I shall appellate thee Bob! **Now give me your soul!**"_

_Ni nearly toppled out of his chair, but righted himself before he did and questioned dubiously, "Bob?" _

_Konran merely stared, too disturbed to even think up a response to his cousin's behavior. He turned to Ni, "Could you just tell me if they've gone to Homura's old tower?"_

"_Ah, yes, they have," murmured Ni, clearly considering the ramifications of Yumoa's soul comment._

_Konran saw this, grabbed his cousin by the collar, and dragged him away from the demented evil genius. "Let's go, stupid. We have things to do, remember? And—damn it, stop hugging that bunny!"_

_Comedy gasped and supplanted himself on the spot, right in the doorway. "You take that back! How dare you badmouth Bob so callously!"_

"_Suit yourself, then." And with that, he vanished._

"_Aww, crap," pouted Yumoa. "Come on, Bob." And he vanished as well.

* * *

_

_**(Homura's Former Hideout)**_

_The two gods arrived at the tower just as the knights arrived, the first of which carrying the most valuable thing in Konran's world._

"Natura mea!_" gasped Chaos when he saw her in the entrance hall, carried like a rag doll by the knight that had defeated her. The red, gaping wounds and sheets of blood running down the beast's body was proof enough that she had been a much deadlier foe than originally expected. "Lay her down right there and go!" Konran bid the group of creatures. In his head he thanked his luck that Homura's old haunt was much closer to the Sanzo party than Houtou Castle. Every moment mattered in order to protect Lydia._

_From his vantage point in the corner behind Chaos, Kougaiji could tell that the god was far more distraught over Lydia's state than he should have been, being a cold, heartless, evil creature and all. No, none of it made sense to the prince, but he couldn't just stand there doing nothing while that poor girl died of internal injuries._

"_Yaone," he murmured to the apothecary beside him_

"_Yes, Lord Kougaiji?" She, too, was staring in slight shock. So much blood…how had she survived an attack of such magnitude?_

"_Go help. Do what you must to keep her alive."_

"_Right away." She nodded, took a deep breath, and trotted over to where the two gods had crouched beside the girl's body, saying firmly as she approached, "Konran, let me see her injuries."_

_Chaos tilted his head back to look at her through nearly obsidian bangs, and narrowed his eyes before replying, "If she dies, none of you will survive the aftermath. Not even I."_

_She didn't know what the hell he was talking about, so she simply went to Lydia's other side and began applying pressure to various joints, testing for broken bones and searching for any severe bruising that might indicate internal injuries. Finding nothing too serious, Yaone nevertheless looked over to Konran and told him in an uncompromising tone, "I need a room to put her in, so that I can check her back. Is there a bed or a table near here?"_

_Chaos blinked, then said slowly, "Well, my room is right up those stairs, and you may use that as a temporary infirmary if you must."_

"_I must. Now, I'm going to give her a relaxer to help prevent any bruised muscles from seizing while he rests." She took a syringe out of the kit and tapped the air out, then found a vein at the bend of Lydia's elbow and injected the pale blue fluid._

_The girl did seem to relax as the medicine went to work…_

_And then she opened her eyes and blinked rapidly, jerking up to a sitting position and seeing Konran first. Yaone stared, shocked that the medication would have this kind of effect._

_In an instant, Chaos was on his feet, backing away without thinking. "Lydia…"_

"_Oh, dear," Yumoa muttered, hugging the bunny more tightly and vanishing, only to reappear at Kougaiji's side. "I'll just hang out here while hell breaks loose, if you don't mind."_

_Kou saw the bunny, glared at the Fool, then returned his gaze to the situation at hand. Yaone wasn't the focus of the attack, so he wasn't going to interfere, but if the focus changed, then he was. He had to keep an eye on things…as well as enjoy the view while that bastard Konran got his karmic payback._

_Lydia herself was no part of this. In fact, she was still trapped in her own head, hacking at nothing in order to reach the tiny bit of something. More specifically, HATE was still controlling everything motion-related, and at the moment, it had found the one thing it despised as much as it despised itself: Konran._

"_What are you doing?" the god asked tentatively. "Lydia? You're not in control, are you?" His tone shifted then to something more controlled and forceful, "You're not killing me. You can try, but you can't kill me, because my death will bring your own."_

_She merely crouched on all fours, gripping the handle of her blade in one hand and glaring at him with vicious intensity through her blood-matted, stringy hair. The girl looked like a savage, feral child found living in the wilds. Then she growled—and not a human growl, either. No, the power behind that sound was more at home in a jungle cat than in a short, sixteen-year-old social reject._

_In a flash, she charged, attempting to slice Chaos in half with one clean swipe. He saw it coming and dissipated like a cloud of black confetti, swirled around her once, then reappeared with one hand gripping both her wrists and the other holding her back by the neck. "I said **no**!" he shouted, shoving the power she was channeling to him right back into her. The pressure in the room built, crested, then fell abruptly, leaving everyone present all shaky and confused._

_Konran caught her as she fell, and turned to Yaone. "My room is this way." He carried Lydia up, trying not to think about how much blood was covering her body, all of which was his own fault.

* * *

_

**(Lydia's POV)**

Just when I thought I'd lose my mind—quite the feat when you're trapped inside it, I must add—the nothingness finally shattered under a blow from the pommel of my sword, falling in and engulfing me in warmth and thought and feeling and PAIN!

I was positively—or negatively, depending on who looks at it—overwhelmed by the senseless, shooting, stabbing, poking, prodding, and just generally unbearably unpleasant sensations with which my entire body seemed riddled. "Uuuunnnnnngghhhh…" I groaned finally, finding no other way to express my discomfort.

It wasn't unlike my arrival to this world, actually, and for a brief moment I felt hope…which was immediately and cruelly ripped from my thoughts and sunk to the depths of insanity by a particularly unsettling throb in my chest region. I didn't want to open my eyes! No! Never! I do did **not** want to see the unsightly mess that had become of me. My only consolation was the fact that my face didn't hurt…though since everything else did, it wasn't good enough to make me not pissed.

I wanted to observe this pain further, but was interrupted by an unexpected realization the moment I tried to feel my ribs—I was…**_naked?_**

Okay, _now_ I was going to open my eyes.

I did so and met with a dark, empty stone ceiling. Okay, that was not interesting in the least, and explained nothing as to where my apparel had gone off to. Was it just me, or was it my cruel fate to become undressed every time I went unconscious? Surely there was some sort of pattern going on here.

Wait! I sensed something. Yeah! It was that stupid nagging again, but closer this time. Huh, it was ridiculously close, almost as though it were—I turned my head slightly—right next to me.

All pain was forgotten the moment I saw a second person in what I had suddenly come to realize was a rather large, comfy, silky bed…

"Argh!" I cried instantly, and the raven-haired individual flinched so bad that he—**_HE!_** Argh again, it was a **_HE!_**—fell off the edge of the bed and disappeared over the side while I scrambled for all the cover I could reach. I managed three blankets, both the loose and fitted bed sheets, and maybe eight throw pillows, along with the pillow I had been comatosing on.

"**_Who the hell are you and where the hell are my clothes and why the hell are you in bed next to me!_**" I screamed, not just annoyed—oh, nooooo. I was pissed beyond all sane measures of the emotion pissed.

Almost painfully slow, the longish hair rose above the edge of the now-bare mattress, bringing with it a pair of oddly familiar eyes, though last time they hadn't glowed like lightning bugs. "Hello, Lydia," the man said in a voice that made me think of hurricanes, volcanoes, and avalanches; with a tone which made me wonder whether or not he was about to go into cardiac arrest.

I silently hoped that he did.

"Konran," I growled.

He nodded once and rose up, which informed me that he was fully clothed—oh, thank the Irony Gods…er, except this one. He's an asshole. An asshole sitting on what I now claimed as **_my_** bed. A very annoying…striking…handsome……ah, crap. Why did he have to wear black?

I clung to my anger, and found that it helped. "So why exactly am I naked? And if I don't like the answer, I'll kill you."

"You're going to smother me with a pillow? I'm immortal." He actually laughed, smiled, found my threat amusing! He had a great smile, but for the love of waffles he was **_mocking_** me! No, Sir, I didn't like it. "You were near death, with all sorts of injuries covering your whole body. Naturally, in order to tend to them, it was necessary to get the apparel out of the way."

"Oh, okay," I said evenly. "So it was purely for medical reasons?"

"And because I've always wondered what you looked like naked." He smiled again…sick bastard…

I felt myself blush, and fought it off with all my might. "Wrong answer!" I shrieked suddenly, launching myself at him and spearing him off the bed and onto the hard marble floor. I had the sheets wrapped around me like a toga—I could tie a toga better than Nero himself—so I wasn't worried about being exposed while I ripped his throat out with my teeth. Needless to say, I was plenty pissed.

"Augh!" he yelped when his head smashed against the stone.

"Ha-HA! Take **_that_** **BIATCH**! Teenage hormones be damned, I'll tear you limb from limb!" I cackled maniacally as I pinned his wrists to the floor and—

_Cha-chunk!_

I froze at the noise and looked up, only to find that perhaps I should not have done so, for looking up brought me face to face with four shocked individuals.

My eyes attempted to vacate their orbits, as my heart attempted to evacuate through the tiny space between my clavicles and trachea. "Eh-heh…hey guys, what's up?" I laughed nervously, trying **_really_** hard not to think about what they were seeing.

As expected, Gojyo was the first to speak up. "Ooh, looks like Lydia likes it rough! Who's thelucky stud?"

Three fists instantly connected with his face, and he fell out of view.

Sanzo assumed his usual scowl and his darkly purple eyes met mine. "Care to explain why the three morons dragged me here for **_no goddamn reason?_**"

That snapped me out of it. "**No reason?**/ You're freaking kidding me, right? Sanzo, shoot this bastard right now for violating me while I was comatose! I **_woke up_** naked!"

His scowl faltered, then strengthened and turned on Konran, who was sort of seeing them in an upside-down view. "Oh? You did**_ what_** to the Stray while she was unconscious?" The gun was out, loaded, locked, and trained on my worse half's forehead.

"Damn it, I helped Yaone **_heal_** her!" the bastard shouted. "Isn't she conscious? She would have died!"

"A likely story!" I hissed, glaring down at him with a vengeance.

"But I thought you were evil," Goku said, unconvinced. Oh, crap. The monkey was here, seeing me like this! Noooo! I could only hope that this wouldn't affect future games of Go-Fish and Twister.

"I'm not evil!" Konran retorted, sounding more than a little insulted.

"Not evil? Then why put Lydia through all this trouble just to gain power?" Hakkai inquired, sounding both curious and…that nth factor of scariness. A chill wind blew in through the door.

"I was tired of being a puppet, and I needed more power to break free!" Then he looked up at me—man, his eyes were prettier now than when he was Niveus. "Lydia, if you don't mind, I'd like to get up now."

I blinked, "What? I didn't hear you."

He rolled his pretty eyes and disintegrated into…coal dust?…then materialized into solid form about a foot away. "Get up," he told me, tapping his shoe impatiently. "You are in no condition to be playing games."

That sonuva one-eyed prairie dog, pain-in-the-ass, bastard bitch baboon, asshole, and other such expletives! In response, I shot him a well-deserved glare and whipped the sheets tighter around me, cocooning myself in the cloth and lying on the floor in silence. Stupid world. Stupid Konran. Stupid me.

* * *

_**(Omniscient POV)**_

_When the four of them had reached the reconstruction of Homura's tower, the enormous beasts were already leaving, presumably to return to their master. This had made a very simple task of infiltrating the tower, getting past almost no security at all besides Yumoa—he had merely waved hello as they passed—and nearly breaking down the door to the room in which Comedy had told them to look for Lydia._

_But then simple became very complicated indeed._

_And for Sanzo, first things came first: he needed a smoke. Before he would allow anyone to address him, he lit up and spent about a minute getting the nicotine into his system. By the time he was through, the impatient Chaos had already given into his previously obscured lazy side, and sat on the bed with has back against the headboard and his arms folded loosely._

_Finally, the priest said coldly, "So you kidnapped her from an entire dimension and stranded her here with the intent to drive her insane—literally—and use her as some sort of puppet to do your bidding?"_

_Konran nodded, looking away in apparent shame. "That was my intent while under Chitsujo's spell, at least. Now that I have disintegrated once more, I'd like to use a different path, and since Lydia has already snapped and the gate to my powers is now open, I see no reason why I can't do exactly that."_

"_And despite the fact that you **asked** your sister to put you under that spell so that you would have the balls to do that to a kid, you still want me to believe that you're not the evil one?" He wasn't exactly angry, but he was close enough, and this whole ordeal was too stupid to even address, yet he had done so anyway._

_Things were so much simpler when you could just kill the people who pissed you off._

_The god frowned at his black-socked feet stretched out before him. "Well, yes. I admit retrospectively that my actions were not the most morally sound, but the overall intention was. Just ask Yumoa. Hurting Lydia is the last thing I want to do—our bond, however, makes life very difficult for her regardless of my intentions."_

_The cocoon of red silk lying on the floor beside the bed gave a muffled shout of protest and wiggled about for a moment or two, before falling still once more._

"_Lydia, please get up," sighed Konran, half-annoyed and half-amused at her behavior._

_This time the cocoon's reaction was an incoherent scream, a wriggle, and then a sudden stillness which made clear that breathing through the silk cloth required quite the effort. Add that to the multiple injuries, and all of them were willing to bet that she had passed out. Naturally Yumoa chose that moment to walk in, see everybody and smile, then see the cocoon and gasp, "That's a huge joint!"_

_Chaos massaged his temples with his fingertips and muttered in exasperation, "Stupid, that's Lydia."_

"_Why did Lydia turn into a joint?" Yumoa was baffled._

"_Dammit, she's not a joint!"_

"_Oh…so she's pupating?"_

"_I'm going to kill you, Yumoa. One of these days, I'm going to end you," murmured the god, as much to himself as to his cousin and sometime best friend._

_Goku interrupted, "She's not breathin'! I can't hear her anymore!"_

_Konran's hands dropped in fear. He was off the bed instantly, and arrived by the cocoon's side at the same time as the monkey, whom he gave a particularly scathing glare. "Get away from her. She's mine."_

"_Yours? Ya jerk! She's **my** friend!" Goku shot back in monkey rage._

_He ignored the chimp and tended to the one person in all the realms who literally made his heart beat. If she died like this he would never forgive himself! After several hectic moments of searching, he found the end of the sheet and quickly unwound it from her head. The silk fell away and he frowned when he saw that she **was** still breathing, but barely—the wounds made it difficult to breathe to begin with, but the tightly bound sheets had made it almost impossible. She didn't even know that two of her ribs were cracked._

_He looked up. "Hakkai, could you go find Yaone for me? She should be down the hall, in the lab. Quickly, please."_

_Hakkai complied without hesitation, returning seconds later with the apothecary._

"_What happened here?" she demanded to know upon seeing the girl bound like a silkworm._

"_Lydia wasn't happy to see me," murmured Chaos._

_Yaone smirked despite her irritation. "I told you so. Now lets get her back on the bed and unbind these sheets." They lifted her, making sure that her body wasn't bent or stressed too much, and carefully removed the sheets before tucking her under the comforters on the bed. "I told you not to lie there," Yaone chided the god._

"_It's my bed! I can lie there if I want. And besides, I feel better when I'm near her…it's that bond…"_

_Yaone was not convinced by his assertions, but let it go for fear that he might do something plain stupid. "I will go find Lord Kougaiji, and we can all discuss things before Lydia wakes. I doubt very much that she would appreciate us watching her while she rests. Now all of you, get out. There are far too many men in this room for that girl's peace of mind."_

_Goku and Sanzo were all ready to argue—though for vastly different reasons—but Hakkai ushered them out before that could happen. The green-eyed former-human dragged the unconscious Gojyo across the floor by his ankle like a doll, smiling pleasantly as he did so. Yumoa trailed behind, holding a top-secret (at least, he thought so) meeting with Bob about the best way to infiltrate enemy lines at Taco Bell._

_The adamant god of Chaos, however, refused to budge. "I'm not leaving her side. It's my fault that she was hurt, and it's my responsibility to make certain that she is comfortable and safe."_

_Despite her sympathies towards him, Yaone wasn't making any exceptions. "Konran, she is obviously **not** comfortable around you. She needs rest, and will find none if you are around to frighten her."_

"_I am **not** afraid of him!" The huffy outburst from the bed made them both turn in surprise to look at the girl, who had apparently risen to consciousness in time to hear that remark. _

_Konran blinked, momentarily stunned, then laughed smugly, "See? I can stay."_

"_No, you can't!" Lydia snapped, clearly still outraged, but holding back this time after the unpleasant reality had hit her that she was in no condition to be body slamming people to the floor and depriving herself of oxygen. "You cocky bastard, get the hell out of my room right this instant and let me sleep."_

_He frowned in obvious annoyance. "**Your** room? This is **my** room. You only have temporary residence, and I may utilize my furniture as I please, which means if I feel like sleeping, I don't care what you do, but that bed is **mine**."_

"_Bring it on, bitch! I'd like to **see** you try and take it! Evil bastard." She was curled up under the covers and obviously stark naked, yet the glare she aimed at him was as scalding as it would have been if she had been holding a knife to his throat while fully clothed._

"_Stop calling me evil! I'm far from it!" he rejoined, feeling thoroughly insulted and notably uncomfortable arguing with a naked girl._

"_Well I think your evil, and that's all that matters." She narrowed her gaze, daring him to deny it again._

_Yaone liked her attitude, but hid her amusement to dissuade Chaos post haste. "Later, Konran. Right now she needs rest, and how guilty would you feel if you caused further damage?"_

_His expression softened despite the rage he saw in Lydia's eyes. "Guilty indeed," he murmured. He approached the bed, seemed to attempt to say something, gave up, and left without another word._

_Lydia frowned at Yaone as soon as the god was out of the room. "Um, what's up with him?"_

_She smiled a little and shrugged. "I can't say. Now please do as I tell you and rest. I doubt that you want to be bedridden for too long, and you will heal faster with rest. I shall bring you some clothes after the meeting."_

_Still frowning, the girl merely nodded and resettled herself on the pillow with a yawn. "If you need me, I'll be subconscious. Damn it all, it hurts to breathe."_

_Rather than waiting for Lydia to fall asleep, Yaone trusted her to use good sense and left her alone to find Kougaiji and gather everyone for the impromptu meeting. They had much to discuss, and if everything Konran had been explaining was the truth, then she would have to convince them all to save their vendettas against him until after the danger was past.

* * *

_

_**(Author's Note)**_

_Hmm…Kon changed, huh? Told ya he'd be a pain in the ass—though I didn't tell you exactly **why**. He's a pain because he's practically tripolar (not bipolar) and I feel that it suits him. So…is he evil? What's up with him and Lydia? What the crap is going on with Tragedy?—I haven't written her anything in a while, I realize…but that's for the next chapter. Until then, Fare thee well, and please review! --Cyh Scaevola_


	22. Fate: Defiance of the Predetermined

**The Irony Gods: Chapter 22

* * *

**

_**(Author's Note)**_

_No, I am not going to violate my decree on the "No Pairings" policy. This fic is still purely for the hell of it all. I'm saving that sort of stuff for the sequel, which is brewing in my head as I speak/type. However, in order to assist in the comprehension of the latest developments in my tale, here are a few succinct quotes to cement Lydia's views toward romantic relationships:_

"_The way to a man's heart is through his sternum." _

"_I like my men how I like my coffee—ground up and in the freezer." _

"_I don't know whether to hug you or snap your neck." _

"_OPPOSITES ATTACK"_

…_of course, this does not mean that she won't notice a guy…it simply means that she will notice him, get really uncomfortable, then promptly squash the emotion and destroy the offending male. She lives in a very simple world. If only I had her resolve._

**_Quote of the Day:_** _"If I were to die, I'd want something that cute to kill me."—Jhonen Vasquez on Ultra Peepi

* * *

_

_**Fate: Defiance of the Predetermined**_

If I had actually for even a single moment thought that I would find any rest at all once the crowd had dispersed and that (insert obscene antecedent of choice here) Konran was out of my sight, I would have been sadly mistaken. Incidentally, the thought never even surfaced. I was to busy mulling over all that had happened.

Normally, I liked to see myself as a reasonable individual. Yes, I could be fairly straightforward or—dare I say it?—uncompromising at times, but on the whole and despite my inherent imbalances, I managed a well-rounded demeanor. I took things as they came and accepted what happened without much, if any, argument, living by my own set rules and morals in my own special way. But this was different. This went so far beyond my knowledge base that I felt trapped in some hellish nightmare. What had I done to deserve such torment?

Even though I was sixteen and well-versed in the goings-on of high school society, I had never—and I mean _never_—been in a relationship with a male of my species (or any other species, for that matter) that wasn't fatherly or brotherly (or pet-erly). I clung to my childhood innocence, leaving anything else as alien territory.

…which would remain thus until I was done being pissed beyond recognition. Perhaps even longer.

Point was, I planned to destroy Konran the Barbarian the moment I was healthy enough to stab things without passing out from exertion.

I would have planned further than that, too, if not for the sudden interruption of a particular youkai Princess.

Lirin had clearly been waiting for some time to come and see me—most likely hiding from Yaone or her brother—but once she did, all secrecy went out the window, save for enough common sense to close the door behind her.

"Lydia!" she cried, seeing me all beat up and what not—oh, I was _so_ going to kill that bastard god! "What happened? Where did your clothes go?"

Automatically, my eyes narrowed at distant nothingness as I imagined ramming Ryushi through Konran's chest. "Konran took them. Would you like to assist me in plotting my revenge?"

When I looked back at her, she obviously knew that something was wrong, and hurried over to the bedside, hopping on and kneeling beside me in worry. "Hey, did he…touch you?" She seemed both afraid and embarrassed, and I sighed, mellowing slightly.

"Well, not in the way that you think," I admitted gruffly. "He claims that he helped Yaone heal me enough to save my life. I'm mad because he saw me naked and didn't apologize."

"Ohhhh…" Her big bright eyes widened, then shut tightly when she grinned and laughed. "That's embarrassing, sure, but he saved ya, right? Yaone would never let a bad man touch ya while you're hurt, so why're ya so upset? He helped save your life!"

Defiantly, I fought her logic. "But it was his fault to begin with that I even got hurt, that I've been stranded here for so long! Surely my Ren and Stimpy DVD is already stolen," I lamented.

"Aww, but he's sorry now. I saw him while I was hidin' under the stairs, an' he was talkin' ta Yaone about how much he wished he coulda used a different way ta get his powers an' all."

"No matter. The damage is done and for once I'm not nearly so forgiving. That man has no morals. Even if he _did_ save my life, he was the one who ruined it first…and he saw me naked! Argh! Expletive!_ He must be destroyed at all costs!_" I wanted to leap up and punch something, but was sorely disappointed to find that I had absolutely no energy for the task, so I remained where I was, under the comforters and fuming at the canopy.

"You really need ta rest, Lydia," murmured the Princess, somewhat morosely. "I know I only knew you one day before, but it's weird seein' ya all tired."

I rolled my eyes and held up one arm, showing off an eleven-inch slice from my elbow to the back of my hand. "Merely a flesh wound!" I declared Black Knight style. It was fairly deep, and there were a total of fifteen stitches in the thing…I hated stitches. Already I wanted to scratch at these, but REASON hadn't completely left me and so I refrained. There were even more across my hip—kind of like histerectomy stitches on a cut made by an amateur foot-doctor—and another row of maybe five or six on my chest under my left arm that stung every time I moved or breathed. Stitches were one of the main reasons why I fought so well—a good fighter is less likely to get cut deeply enough to need stitches. My logic was impeccable, I know.

"Yeah, Yaone fixed ya up real good, but look at all the bruises! Lirin won't let Lydia leave until she's feelin' good enough ta fight again." She folded her arms and gave me a determined frown.

For once I didn't argue. I had far too many purple, green, yellow, and rainbow splotches al over my body to argue, as well as two cracked ribs opposite the stitches on my chest. "All right, Lirin. Just make sure the pervert—scratch that: make sure _neither_ pervert gets in here. Only Yaone is allowed in, got it? Anyone else requires my permission first."

"Uh-huh!" She grinned and jumped up, "Ya can count on Lirin!" Then she left, supposedly to guard outside the door. Thank sanity, I could now have some peace and quiet to plot my revenge and ignore the sharp pain I felt with each breath and movement. Damn it all to hell.

* * *

_**(The Meeting)**_

_Goku didn't know what to think. He was mad at Konran because it was his fault that Lydia got hurt, but the god looked so miserable about it, almost like he hadn't meant for any of it to happen. This of course made no sense to the monkey—he had been there throughout the whole ordeal, and it had sure looked to him like Konran had wanted Lydia beaten completely. _

_Unlike Comedy, the monkey king had very strong views concerning right and wrong, but what help was that when he didn't even understand what was going on? None of what Konran was saying made any sense to him, and every time he tried to speak to ask Sanzo for an explanation, the notably irritated monk would glare at him to make him shut up again. It didn't take him very long to realize that the one he should be asking was Hakkai._

"_Hey, Hakkai," he whispered to the pleasant figure to his left at the large octagonal oak table._

"_Yes, Goku?" Hakkai was more than happy to enlighten the boy as to the goings-on._

"_What's Konran talkin' about? Why does he keep sayin' that he didn't want to do any of that to her when before Yumoa was sayin' that he was bad? I don't get any of it. It's like he's two diff'rent people."_

_Before Hakkai could reply, however, Konran himself said, "You know, Goku, I'm willing and able to answer whatever questions you have. Why not seek the source?"_

_Automatically, the young heretic narrowed his golden eyes and glared at the god of Chaos. "'Cause I don't trust you! You're the bad guy, an' I don't like you, an' it's your fault that Lydia's hurt!"_

"_Siddown, monkey," hissed Gojyo, yoinking Goku back into his seat. He had jumped up out of it during his heated retort. "At least let him talk before you go all righteous on us." The water sprite wasn't any happier about this than the chimp, but he knew that Goku's interruptions would only delay them further, and he was too curious as to how Konran truly felt about Lydia. In some sick, demented corner of his brain, the kappa felt it was his duty to assist a fellow male. If only he knew the horrors Lydia had planned for the both of them in the event of such an occurrence._

"_You shut the hell up, too! Noisy pain in my ass!" Sanzo was incisive enough to see the licentious ideas happening inside Gojyo's transparent skull, and promptly beat him upside the head with the lead-lined paper fan. Complications always seemed to arise whenever that stupid water sprite was left to his own devices. First in mind: Kami-sama. Nope, Sanzo was not tolerating any further individualism from this one._

_Being the only one with reasonable intent, Hakkai remained unharmed and intact while the other three squabbled and argued._

"_So if you're not the real enemy here, then who is?" the voice of reason inquired politely while pretending not to notice his friends._

_Konran eyed the argument uncertainly, then resolved to ignore it and replied in the most impartial tone he could muster, "My sister, Chitsujo. I told her what I wanted, and she set the rules of the game then cast her spell. This has happened before, I am ashamed to say. I was the puppet she used to destroy our realm's greatest empire, Rome."_

"_I take it that the gods of your realm are much more involved in worldly matters than ours here," murmured Hakkai, somewhat surprised at the level of meddling taking place. "But how is she capable of controlling your free will? What sort of spell does she use?"_

"_We do as the Fates decree," responded the god, though he knew almost for certain that the people of this realm would have little understanding of his own realm's system. "They tell us who will come to power and how, and we set it into motion. But being the eldest deity of nature, Chitsujo has the ability to bend fate. She controls me by putting my pieces back together. I am Chaos embodied so my very being is fragmented and multifaceted, making me very versatile. Controlled Chaos is little more than the means to an end, ergo I was the means, and the fall of Rome was the end. We are here in this realm not because we are allowed, but because she has the power to defy our superiors."_

"_Your sister outranks you because she's older? But Higeki said that Yumoa was the eldest of all of you."_

_He nodded. "But though tradition ensures her status, Chaos is always the favored of the two, because we are the Dei Naturae, nature's gods, and nature always favors Chaos. Yumoa and Higeki rule the aspects of human emotion. Nature overrides emotion. Lydia calls us the Irony Gods, and in a way she is correct, because we are the only gods born of dichotomy."_

"_So basically what your sister is doing is ignoring what your Fates have decreed, by coming here and throwing our world off-balance. You played the game thinking that if you managed to take over our realm, you might win your permanent freedom, but the cost was your own conscience, and now that you're back to normal, you want to help us fix your mistake."_

"_Yes, that's basically it." The god nodded, pleased that the former man was possessed of enough perspicacity to see. "I no longer harbor aspirations to become your Chaos god. As if I needed that headache as well."_

_The fight apparently over, Sanzo muttered from behind the hand covering his eyes and pulling back his hair, "Is it too late to ditch the Stray? I am so goddamned tired of gods and their hang-ups. Why can't you ever just deal with your own issues without harassing other people who couldn't care less about your problems?"_

"_Oh, Konzen, always so blunt about it," chuckled an amused voice from the one empty chair._

_Only, it wasn't empty anymore._

_All heads turned to look at the Merciful Goddess in all her see-through splendor, sitting quite comfortably and apparently listening intently to every word of their conversation._

"_Hey, it's Kannon." Gojyo stated the obvious like a pro._

"_Why do you open your mouth when the only thing that comes out is your stupidity?" demanded Sanzo, hiding his unease toward the Goddess' appearance behind his everlasting annoyance toward all living things—especially cockroaches. And without letting the kappa even take a breath to rejoin, he turned and glowered at Kannon. "What the hell are **you** doing here, Old Hag?"_

_A brief expression of irritation flickered on her face. "No, you're definitely Genjyo Sanzo now." She sighed a sigh to mourn bygone eras and answered at length, "I came to check on my favorite band of misfits, of course, and to make sure that you don't screw it all up and abandon our little kitten like an unwanted toy. I'm having far too much fun watching you to allow your distancing issues to end it. Besides, this one's sister is at it again, only now she's not hiding behind her puppets."_

_And more than any of them, Kannon knew well what happened to puppets when they were mistreated. Lydia was lucky, but Nataku…_

_At his mention, Konran frowned and muttered darkly to himself, only speaking to the goddess once he came to his own decision about the whole matter. "So Chitsujo has decided to go ahead and assist Gyokumen Koushu anyway. I had hoped that my disintegration would deter her—normally she prefers to leave the dirty work to me—but there must be something about this place which attracts her attention. We must act soon."_

"_Then tell us what to plan for." Sanzo frowned at the tip of his cigarette—his **last** cigarette—as it burned to the filter, then stubbed it out on the table and tossed it behind him in his impatience. "And hurry the hell up. I'm out of smokes."_

_Gojyo couldn't keep himself from smirking and crooning teasingly, "Aww, poor priesty. Too bad he insults my brand, or I'd be nice and let him bum a couple offa me."_

_No one even saw him move, but one frame later in the sequence of time itself, Sanzo had his banishing gun out and jammed under the water sprite's jaw. "Shut up or die."_

"_I was kidding!" squeaked Gojyo, scrambling behind Hakkai for protection and pointing at Kannon. "Merciful Goddess! Do your job and teach that madman some mercy!"_

"_I will mercifully fucking **kill** your ass and make it mercifully **quiet**!" The pissed-off monk made to shoot Gojyo in the face, but was stopped suddenly and without warning by Konran, who appeared at his side and gripped his wrist before he could even aim. Slowly, he turned and glared wrathfully at Chaos. "Don't touch me."_

_Undaunted, Konran merely reached into his shirt pocket and withdrew a small red and white object, placing it on the table before the monk and never once breaking eye contact. "This is not the time for petty arguments. Chitsujo will tip the scales in your fight to stop Gyumaoh's resurrection, and it is in your best interests to listen to me." And then the let go and dissipated into coal dust, once more reforming in his seat and giving the leader of the ikkou a serious, determined frown. "Your decision, Sanzo priest. They will not need the scriptures if my sister assists them."_

_Sanzo scowled at the Marlboro Reds…and huffily sat back down, smacking the pack into his palm to settle it before peeling off the wrapper and lighting up. "Bastard," he grumbled, somewhat milder of temper now that he had his craving fulfilled._

_Goku watched all of this and found himself trapped in an emotional quandary directly proportionate to his stomach capacity…i.e., it was a honking **huge** quandary. If Sanzo would hear the god out, then shouldn't he?_

_On one hand, he didn't trust Konran. On the other, he trusted Sanzo. In the end he was forced to obey his gut instinct and allow Sanzo to make the choice for him. Despite his and Lydia's anger toward the god, in Goku's mind, Sanzo took precedence before all, and his decisions held sway._

_The only ones over whom the monk had absolutely no control were Kougaiji and his minions._

"_You can't possibly expect me to turn a blind eye toward your plans to halt the resurrection," the prince said a tad snappishly. Their actions could potentially destroy his chances of saving his mother, and that was a price he absolutely refused to pay. "I have a duty to fulfill, and regardless of your own plans, mine is to do what I must to protect my people." Kannon's condescendingly amused laugh made him scowl almost as irritably as Sanzo at the Merciful Goddess. "What's so funny?"_

_She shook her head, smirking and hiding it behind her hand. "Oh, nothing. I just think it's so **cute**. And besides, they're not asking you to stop the resurrection altogether—they just want to get Chitsujo out of the way. You don't have to be so defensive."_

_The rest of them just sort of looked at each other, as if to ask, "Did she come here for a reason or is she just going to lecture us?"_

_Hakkai remedied this confusion post haste. "Merciful Goddess, if I may be so bold, why are you really here?" he inquired in his most respectful tone, the effect of which caused her to smirk even more widely and at last admit a chuckle._

"_Well," she murmured after a long silence, "I came to check on Lydia. You did a bad thing to that girl, Konran." Her smile twitched, but didn't lessen. "But I understand that it was the only way, so I won't get mad at you. I will say, however, that you are going to have a rough time of it when she's healthy again." This time the goddess actually giggled—**giggled!**—and smothered it with her fist before adding, "And don't go upstairs without a bodyguard. I've never seen such an angry girl! Oh, a woman's scorn…" She laughed once more. "I'll just go look in on her and I'll be on my way." Then she vanished in a dramatic array of light._

"_I am so fucking **sick** of deities," Sanzo reiterated._

_Konran frowned thoughtfully at the table. "Nevertheless, you will need mine and Lydia's help if you wish to return your realm to its rightful balance. Chitsujo's presence tips it in the way of Order, and believe me for once when I say that Order is a far worse fate than Chaos."_

"_How's that?" asked Dokugakuji, who had remained tacit throughout, but now felt it prudent to work out the kinks in his understanding._

_The god looked up at him, the glow of his eyes fading the slightest, "My sister and I are opposites. **Absolute** opposites. Thus, whereas I possess the soul of nature, she possesses none at all. She has no soul, like a machine programmed to perform within strict parameters. Ergo, when outside parameters do not match hers, she **makes** them match. She does not feel emotions as we do—though I myself feel differently from the rest of you as well—and in many cases, she feels not at all."_

_Hakkai's visible green eye narrowed in deep thought. "So she won't feel any guilt about what happens. Even though this isn't her realm, the fact that our parameters don't match hers automatically forces her to set into motion the events which **will** make our parameters match hers. Do I have that right?"_

"_Exactly."_

"_Well, this should be fun," Gojyo sighed unenthusiastically._

_Sanzo beat him with the fan faster than one could say "cerebral shunt", and while the kappa nurtured his cranial trauma, the priest said with unequivocal authority, "The instant the Stray is healed enough to go, we're taking Chitsujo out."_

_For once, Kougaiji was in agreement with him, and nodded somberly from the other side of the table, "We cannot allow this to continue. If her influence will be as devastating as you say, Konran, then I will set aside my misgivings for now and go along with your plan."

* * *

_

**(Lydia's / Konran's Room—Mostly Lydia's, Though Konran Would Argue the Case…)**

I was still very much awake and feeling the proverbial burn when there came to see me a thoroughly unexpected visitor.

"And how is our favorite lost kitten doing?" Kannon queried in amusement as she appeared sitting at the far end of the bed and smirked down at me.

I frowned, blinked, gave up, and replied flatly, "I'm going to kill him." Then I let my head drop back down on the pillow and squirmed uncomfortably under the layers upon layers of sheets and comforters behind which I had barricaded my nudity. Dammit, where was Yaone with my threads?

"Konran? But why would you want that?" I didn't have to look at her to know that she was fighting fits of laughter.

"You know why, so go ahead and laugh. I seem to be the only one who feels that he has violated my personal space a little too intimately for comfort, therefore I take it upon my honor to chain him to a wall and cut out his innards and make him watch as I knit him an intestinal sweater and make him wear it while I cut off his fingers and toes and _other_ appendages one by one until all his friends nickname him "Torso Boy" and mock him as a freak…" I glared wrathfully at an embroidered gold chrysanthemum on the red silk sheet. "I want to see him _hurt_, Kannon. I want him utterly destroyed."

The goddess' eyes widened almost imperceptibly. "That's quite a lot of hatred."

"I don't hate. I merely possess an aversion."

"And all because he saw you naked. Yaone saw you, but you're not trying to kill her in horrifying ways."

I scoffed, "Please. Yaone's practically a doctor and she's also a girl. I trust her. Jackass, however, is male, and when I gave him the opportunity for redemption, his reply was that he'd always wondered what I looked like naked. Oh, I _will_ kill him. That sick, twisted, manipulative, demented, deranged lunatic bastard will pay dearly for his indiscretion."

Finally, laughter escaped her, and I bore it stoically, bent on ignoring all outside influence while I plotted my revenge. "Lydia, I may not be a goddess of your realm, but I think I've seen enough human lives throughout my existence to know denial when I see it."

I scowled, my stoic façade fracturing. "I don't know what you're talking about."

She simply smiled. "It doesn't surprise me that you go about this with such passion, but I think hurting your crush is a bit boyish, don't you?"

What the…. "What are you insinuating?i!" I demanded, sitting upright a little too fast, but ignoring the stabs of pain in my ribs and the black, swirling dizziness.

"Well, I just think that since you two are different sides of the same coin, then perhaps there is more attraction than aversion and more denial than honesty in your words."

I growled despite myself and the impending blackout, "I've worked too hard to maintain my internal balance to allow him to screw up what I've achieved so far. He's already ruined my life, but I won't let him ruin _me_." And then I succumbed to my exhaustion and pain and collapsed once more, trying to regulate my breathing as best I could.

_She has a point_, admitted REASON. _There is more to your reaction than the desire to destroy him_.

"REASON, if you don't shut the hell up, I'm letting HATE back out, and this time I'm not going to do a damn thing to stop her from destroying everything," I threatened darkly.

"No, you won't. You value your life far too much," Kannon responded, obviously privy to all my thoughts.

"Kannon, I don't mean to be rude, but go away. I'm tired, battered, bruised, irritated, and all kinds of pissed off. When I'm in a better mood, I'll happily discuss with you the ramifications of what you've wrongly suggested might be my problem, but for now I just want to rest."

Just like I knew she would, the Merciful Goddess understood completely, and nodded with a smile. "Your earring told me that you might need a checkup, that's all. I may or may not see you again, so just in case, I want you to take care of yourself. You're far too interesting for me to simply let you die."

Quite suddenly, I was alone, and she was gone with a laugh in a blinding array of light. Well…at least it wasn't a shower of gold. After all those mythology lessons, I had become more than a little paranoid toward showers of gold—you never know when Zeus or Mars is gonna fly down and rape you.

No, seriously. That's basically how it happened in the myths. As much as I liked my Irony Gods, I didn't trust them any more than I trusted Ghengis Kahn to crochet his mother a doily for Christmas without stabbing some minion to death for dissing his skills somewhere during the process. Gods were not to be trusted implicitly.

Trust was earned through good experiences, and I had none of that with Konran. The only ones I did trust were Sanzo's gang and Kougaiji's gang. And maybe Yumoa, though he was plain _weird_ in a lovable sort of way.

With a heavy sigh, I tucked the barricade around me up to my chin and curled into my favorite sleeping position, shutting my eyes and fighting the pain of breathing so that I might get some sleep.

I would worry about all the crap when I felt better, but it was Konran's fault that I felt like crap to begin with and I wouldn't be forgetting _that_ fact any time soon.

* * *

_**(Meanwhile…At Houtou Castle)**_

_Chitsujo was fully aware of her brother's disintegration. He was so unstable that just putting his pieces back together had taken most of her energies, but with him now out of her way, she could go on as planned. The only wildcard in the whole situation was that girl, his earthly equivalent. Chitsujo had gained her power by killing her own earthly equivalent, but unlike the norm, there were no ill effects in doing so. Konran would have been crippled by such a loss—all the deities' souls were irrevocably bound to their earthly equivalents, and untimely deaths were devastating. Order, on the other hand, was the only one capable of surviving without one. She had no soul to feel that pain, and it was simply logical on her part to kill hers and gain that power._

_She strode down the hall and entered upon the resurrection room, then transported up to stand beside Lady Koushu's throne pro temporem and said in a monotone, "He is gone and the girl is badly injured. We have approximately three days before she finds her confinement unbearable and insists upon their taking action."_

"_And how long did you say the generator would take to build?"_

"_Four days, and must be set up at least one hundred miles from this location—more, if possible. Otherwise, the pulse will destroy all of your machines. It will still be effective from that distance, and once the generator is on, perform the resurrection as though you had the scriptures. The generator must be on for approximately six hours to produce enough energy, and another twelve for the resurrection to go to completion." She recited the instructions flatly and without emotion._

"_You mentioned a side effect before. What was that?"_

_Chitsujo recalled the conversation like pulling up a bookmarked file, then replied automatically, "Gyumaoh will not be the only resurrected being. The spiritual energy created will almost instantly resurrect every being that has died during the past year within a fifty-mile radius. They will return to their graves when the generator is shut down."_

"_Well, that sounds like fun. I know exactly where to put it."_

"_The Sanzo ikkou."_

"_Mmm-hmmm…" The mad professor suppressed an excited snicker and grinned down at his Borg Bunny. "While Lady Koushu is away to see about that scripture, we're going to have so much fun, huh, Snuggles? Chitsujo, you have been quite the little helper. My Lady will be so pleased."_

_She bowed slightly. "I shall take my leave to work on the generator, Ni. I trust that you will be by soon to assist me."_

_He smirked behind the glare of his glasses. "Of course. Just give me a little more time to enjoy the view."_

"_Certainly." She left without a second thought, little more than a soulless robot programmed to her specific tasks._

_Ni watched her exit like a circumspect predator taking the measure of its peers. _It's too bad_, he thought to himself. _All that research made obsolete by a simple machine._ He laughed aloud and stood, eyeing Gyumaoh's static bulk and the surrounding devices meant to resurrect him. "See you soon, Demon Lord."

* * *

_

_**(Author's Note)**_

_Short…er…okay, I like that. I'm so bad at keeping things succinct. I wanna get this fic out and completed ASAP, because I'm swamped with ideas for the sequel. Oh, and what's the general consensus? I kinda want to call the sequel "The Sequel" because it would look plain bizarre, but of course I could call it something more relevant, like "Unforeseen Consequences" or "Spontaneity Complex" or whatever. Oh, well, by the time I get to it, I'll have something brilliant._

—_Cyh Scævola, the Chaos Theoryst OUT_


	23. Tenacity: Duct Tape of the Soul

**The Irony Gods: Chapter 23

* * *

**

_**(Author's Note) FOR THE LOVE OF TOAST, PLEASE REVIEW!**_

_I love Yumoa. He's so…paradoxical. I guess of all the characters, he reflects best how utterly contradictory my personality can be. He cares, but he's fairly apathetic. He's smart, but he's like a child. He's distant, but he knows exactly what's going on all the time. Lydia's cool and all, but man, that Yumoa was sheer brilliance on my part, and for once I'm not afraid to say so._

_Dedicated to Ren and Stimpy and Pacioli, 'cause they keep me crazeeeeeeeee._

**_Quote of the Day:_** _"Don't confuse honesty with a lack of opportunity to steal something big."—BumperSticker

* * *

_

**_Tenacity: Duct Tape of the Soul _**

_**(One Day Later)**_

_Sanzo and Hakkai were in the middle of finalizing the plans with Konran and Kougaiji's gang when the prince's little sister came bouncing into the temporary war room—basically a converted kitchen—and began tugging insistently at Yaone's hand._

"_Yaone, you gotta come upstairs an' help me get Lydia to stop!" the pipsqueak whined insistently._

"_What is it now?" By her tone, the others could tell that this was not the first time Lirin had come calling for help with the Stray._

"_Well, I told her that she couldn't go and set up her traps, but then she tried to get outta bed, an' now she's on the floor an' won't get up. She won't let me touch her."_

_Yaone sighed. "Then she won't let me, either. We may as well review these plans once more before I even **try** to get through to that stubborn girl." Being the medic was difficult, especially when one's charge kept prolonging her recovery time by trying to do too much at once._

_Not for the first time, Sanzo felt that bit of unease, because he'd been in that same situation before, repeatedly. Grudgingly, he stubbed his cigarette out in the full ashtray and said to Hakkai, "I already know the damn plans." And without further explanation, he left the war room and went upstairs._

_With no hyperactive Princess to bar his path, the monk reached and entered the temporary infirmary without incident._

"_Lirin, I told you already that I'm not sleeping until I've killed him!" shouted a rebellious voice from the other side of the bed. "And Yaone, don't even **think** about stopping me!"_

_Sanzo found the girl as Lirin had said, on her side on the cold floor beside the bed, clearly struggling to make her bruised and beaten muscles move before they were ready for it. There were red dots on her nightshirt from the strained and bleeding stitches, but she clearly didn't care at all about that._

"_What the hell do you think you're doing?" the monk asked flatly, somewhat surprised at her stubborn tenacity._

_She froze for half a second, then managed to turn her head enough to squint up at him. "Oh, hey, Sanzo," she groaned, wincing from the pain of just breathing. "Just plotting revenge."_

_That again? What a stupid reason to put herself at risk. "You realize that the more you move, the longer it will take for you to heal, don't you?" he asked, trying his best to control the irritation in his voice._

"_Don't be silly. I'm fine."_

_He needed a cigarette. He drew out yet another white stick and lit it with a lighter he'd stolen from the kappa. "You really are a stupid stray. We're waiting for **your** sorry ass to heal before we can go fix this mess, and your behavior is only wasting our time."_

_She shifted a little. "I said I was all right," she grumbled, though she grumbled it softly._

"_Stupid…dammit, you are **not** all right! Now get the hell back in that bed and stop playing! The last thing we need is you screwing up all of our plans because of a little embarrassment."_

_She was shaking slightly now—was she angry? He prodded her with the toe of one boot. "Oy, what's wrong with you? Don't get pissed at me for telling you the truth." _

_A muffled noise from her general direction did nothing to enlighten him. _

"_You're mumbling again." He exhaled a breath of smoke away from the bed and frowned at her. _

_Turning enough to look up at him, she whispered softly, "I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at me." Then she quickly turned away again, though not before he saw what she was hiding._

_He sighed in exasperation, suddenly regretting coming up here. This was the last time he did charity work—Hakkai could do all of that from now on. "Stop crying, dammit."_

"_This sucks," she murmured, ignoring his demand. In fact, she cried harder. "I don't want to be here. I'm glad I met you and everyone else, but I just want to go back to my world now. It hurts so much to breathe…"_

_She'd spent so long being a tomboy that the waterworks sort of threw the monk off. He hated not knowing what to do, and it only pissed him off further to think that getting mad might actually make things more difficult. Perhaps he should leave and make Hakkai and Yaone deal with it? **He** sure as hell didn't want any part of this._

_A movement at the corner of Sanzo's line of sight distracted him from the girl's muttering. He turned and spotted Konran standing off to the side, clearly debating over whether or not to come any closer. Chaos caught the priest's gaze, and Sanzo simply scowled and shrugged, turning away and leaving it for the god to fix. He'd gotten enough emotional shit-shoveling from the Stray to last a lifetime, and was by no means eager to shovel any more. "Not my problem," he muttered to Konran as he passed and left the god alone with the Stray._

* * *

_Chaos watched the monk leave and close the door quietly behind himself, but once he realized that he was alone with Lydia he almost panicked. There was no way in hell that she would accept his help, and his presence was likely to only worsen the situation. He tried to move, but the sound of the door had alerted her to the change in the room, and with stubborn effort she arranged her limbs and lifted herself up on her knees with the aid of the bed. She winced with pain, gasping for labored breaths and resting her forehead on the mattress before steeling herself and turning around._

"_I'm sorry, Sanzo…" then she saw Konran and her entire mood shifted from apologetic to enraged._

_The god was frozen, totally at a loss as to what method he should use to help her. "Lydia…"_

_Her eyes flashed in anger despite the pain. "Get out," she whispered. "I don't need **your** help."_

_The catch in her voice betrayed how far her condition had deteriorated, and that realization settled his resolve. He didn't move, only composed his expression, and gave her empty eyes. "If you are fine, then come here and hit me," he said evenly. It was a dangerous idea, but she would never learn otherwise._

_Gripping the edge of the bed both in anger and agony, she growled and her heart rate increased. "Screw you."_

"_Oh, and is that supposed to scare me? You are sadly mistaken, little one. I am still a god, with all of a god's devices, and your petty threats are not threatening in the least. Prove your bravado—get up and hit me." He taunted despite the guilt. He would apologize later._

"_Don't…call me…little," she seethed, staggering to her feet and trembling beside the bed for a few tenuous moments before standing straight and facing him with all the calm resolve she could muster. The tightening around her eyes and the limp in her steps told him that she still hurt terribly, but she still managed to stumble over to where he stood and halt, glaring up into his eyes with her red-brown gaze. Only the earthly equivalent of a Chaos god had eyes with that much red, but they were blood-shot too, giving her an almost demonic stare._

"_Impressive," he murmured, suddenly at a loss all over again. Her eyes hated him so much._

_Much more quickly than he would have thought possible, her hand flew up and across his face, the sharp sting being the only sign as to her movement. "Don't patronize me, puppet master. I belong to no one. I am no one's Murder Doll."_

"_I know that, Lydia. You may not believe me capable of compassion, but I would take it all back if I could. I was a puppet as well…and I do care about you."_

"_Hmph. Tell it to my FIST!" As he had known she would—her temper was atrocious—she tried to punch him, but his anticipation of the move saved him from a broken nose and he caught her fist in his palm, gripping it tight so that she couldn't get away._

"_This is senseless. Stop fighting and rest. You're only hurting yourself," he attempted reasoning, but she was deaf to his logic._

"_I want to kill you," she hissed, her strength failing and thus making her even angrier. She felt so weak and useless, and she hated it. "I want you dead, Konran…" Her struggle to free her fist tapered off, and not surprisingly she blacked out again from all the exertion._

_The god gently lowered her limp form to the floor, then lifted her back up properly, carrying her over to the bed and laying her down. He pulled the covers back up around her and sighed. "Stubborn girl," he whispered. "Why can't you ever concede defeat?"_

"_Because…that would…mean…that I've…lost," she murmured in subconscious reply._

_This wasn't the first time he had sat beside her while she slept and talked to her. It would not be the last, either. Only gods were capable of talking to her while she slept and receiving coherent replies—he didn't know why. It was just how she operated. "You **know** you've lost. Why fight now?"_

"_No…You only lose…when you say…that you've lost…when you give up…" Her lips barely moved, but her eyes wandered restlessly beneath her lids. The pain had put a semi-permanent frown between her brows._

"_Hmm…you're much nicer when you're asleep, Lydia," he chuckled._

"_Shut up…Chaos…"_

"_No," he replied with a smile. Then the smile faded. "Do you really hate me? Even after all our interesting subconscious conversations?"_

_Her breathing pattern skipped from pain, then she replied matter-of-factly, "Not while I'm…asleep."_

"_Ah, well I suppose that's my fault." He smiled sadly, then brushed a long lock of onyx black hair from her cheek. "Please rest, Lydia. I…well, I…" Yet again, he couldn't bring himself to finish, and in mild frustration he sighed once more then stood and left._

"_Ditto…" whispered the girl once he was gone.

* * *

_

_**(The Kitchen / War Room)**_

"_Hakkai, I'm hungry." Goku had noticed his keeper going up to check on Lydia, and would have tried to tag along, except not much later Sanzo had returned and gone with Kougaiji and Dokugakuji to see about their dragons as a method of transportation. This left just Hakkai and Gojyo to ask for food, and the monkey already knew that asking the kappa was defeating the purpose._

"_Actually, I think you're right." His good eye cast around the kitchen, searching and mentally noting what they had available. "It's almost seven. I'll have dinner ready by eight-fifteen."_

_The young heretic gazed on in awe as Hakkai whipped up an aromatic chicken soup dish within the hour, fit for kings and in a large enough pot to feed everyone—_especially_ the bottomless pit. By the time Hakkai had finished setting up the table for dinner, the rest had gathered once more around the kitchen-slash-war room, clearly at a loss as to what to do to pass the time. Even Konran showed up in the midst of it, wearing a thoughtfully blank expression, as though contemplating brooding thoughts._

"_Yay! Food!" cheered Lirin, skipping up to the counter in the kitchen and peering into the giant pot of soup._

"_Here, Lirin. Would you please set these on the table?" As if by magic, he produced a giant tray of meatbuns and handed it to the girl—he had been hiding it from Goku. "Now be careful not to drop it."_

_Stars filled her eyes as she stared up at the bounteous feast before her, but squashed the urge to steal them all, because she knew that Kougaiji and Yaone and Dokugakuji would want some. Dutifully, she marched over and placed the tray on the table, glanced around shiftily, then quicker-than-lightning, snatched up a meatbun and shoved it onto her face, munching noisily as she returned to the kitchen._

_Goku carried the pot of soup to the stack of bowls on the table, saw the meatbuns, set the pot down, and stole three before going back into to the kitchen. He planned eat two and give one to Lydia later._

"_Ooh, don't mind if I do!" Gojyo spotted the tray of buns and grabbed four, wrapping two in paper towels then shoving them into his coat pockets, and scarfing the other two before anyone spotted him._

_And then Yumoa walked by. He saw the tray and froze, his pulse quickening as he approached with wide, tear-filled eyes. "My sweet," he whispered. Without thinking twice, he picked up the entire tray and carried it upstairs to his room._

* * *

_By the time all had gathered and seated themselves at the dinner table, the meatbuns were MIA and both Goku and Lirin were moments away from becoming KIA. Not that anyone was threatening to kill them. No, they were threatening to kill each other._

"_**You** stole 'em, Lirin **knows** ya did!" accused the Princess, despite her brother's requests for silence._

"_Th' **hell** I did!" shot back the monkey, leaping out of his seat in indignation. He jabbed a finger in Lirin's direction and shouted, "Gimme back my meatbuns, thief!"_

_The fan flew with precision accuracy from across the room, striking Goku's temple hard enough to knock him over. "**SHUT UP!**" roared the owner of the aforementioned fan, unintentionally snapping his chopsticks into splinters in his anger. "**Sit down and if you don't stop making noise, I'll shoot you both!**" And just to solidify his point and their understanding of it, he aimed the gun at each of them in turn. "Sit," he repeated, incensed and in a very dark place while hungry and running out of cigarettes._

_Frightened and obedient, the animals took their seats and began fighting in a different manner, seeing who could eat the most the fastest. None of the others had ever seen anyone eat so…**angrily**._

_Massaging his temple and the growing migraine, Sanzo picked up a new pair of chopsticks and began eating, hoping that maybe, for once, he could have that peace and quiet he wanted._

_No such luck. The animals were quiet, but he couldn't do much to make the others shut up, so he pretended not to hear anything at all._

"_Oh, dear!" Yaone gasped suddenly, too softly for the animals to hear._

"_What is it?" Kougaiji and Dokugakuji asked simultaneously._

"_I forgot to go check on Lydia. I hope she's all right!" She made to get up, but Konran held a hand before her to make her sit again. _

"_It's been taken care of," he murmured, still staring blankly at the table before him. He had one chopstick in his mouth, between his teeth, and it wagged up and down as he thought and spoke. The glow had all but left his eyes. The soup went untouched in his absentmindedness._

"_How?" the apothecary asked slowly, giving him a frown saturated with dubiety. "I thought she was too angry to even let you in."_

"_Oh, I didn't have to use the door. I've been watching her the whole time, making sure she's all right."_

_This statement caught the auditory center of Gojyo, who focused in while feigning ignorance. He continued eating as though the conversation weren't taking place at all. The only one who saw the kappa's minute change in behavior was Hakkai, but so long as Gojyo was quiet, he wouldn't say anything, either._

"_Watching her?" Dokugakuji muttered, somewhat put off. "I thought you were trying to be good now."_

_Konran shook his head, a tiny smile twisting his pale lips. "I know every move she makes, every emotion she feels. We are bound so that it does not matter whether I am in the same room as her or not. I went to help her, she got angry, tried to exert herself, and passed out; and I put her back in bed. Nothing more, nothing less."_

_Gojyo noticed that the "nothing more, nothing less" bit of that statement perturbed Chaos in some way, and mulled it over. Clearly he was dissatisfied with the relationship, but what was Lydia's take on the whole thing?_

"_**DONE!**" shrieked two voices suddenly, making everyone give a violent start in preparation for the expected battle. It never came._

_Sanzo was the first to see the source of the disturbance, spotting the only two who hadn't leapt up into action._

_Lirin and Goku glared at each other from across the table, as though readying to spring up and attack. This was intolerable. A **tie**?i! Impossible!_

"_**There can be only one!**" they cried at once, leaping up onto the table and tackling each other like battling fox cubs. Their respective owners attempted to intercede, but to no avail. Hakkai managed to save the soup, his smile never wavering once, and carried it back into the kitchen where it was safe. The table was a total loss, and when Lirin slammed the monkey down onto it, the force of impact buckled two of the legs and left them teetering diagonally left to right. One corner at last overbalanced the other and the two of them slid down the soup-slippery wood and onto the floor at the feet of Yumoa, who had only just entered._

_He frowned momentarily at the squabbling animals, then marched over to a very surprised Hakkai. "**You!**"_

"_Um, yes?" Hakkai inquired, sweatdropping and smiling uncertainly._

_Yumoa declared sharply, "In the future, I'll thank you **not** to cook my wife!" He then marched off toward the kitchen, lugging the rather large and rather empty meatbun tray._

_Lirin and Goku did not miss this little detail, and the squabble turned on a dime to become an alliance against the Comedy god. _

"_Where're th' meatbuns?i!" demanded the Seiten Taisei in a tone usually reserved for the monk. The casual observer might even have seen this as a situation of "good cop, bad cop"…but with two "bad" cops._

"_Yeah! Give 'em back, 'fore we hafta hurt ya!" threatened the other little out-o-control animal. Their keepers could only look on helplessly as they cornered the eldest Irony God where two walls joined to form a…corner._

_Faced with the wrath of two angry and surprisingly powerful pipsqueaks, Yumoa cowered where the two walls met and held them at bay with his mini Borg Bunny, crying, "But I just wanna save Manjuu-chan, and I can't find her without searching the whole pile!"_

_The two paused, mildly disconcerted, to say the least. "Manjuu-chan?" Goku repeated as though he were an old man going deaf._

"_Stupid…" sighed Konran. All turned to him, seeing as how he was the only one who seemed to have half a clue as to what Comedy was babbling about. He met their questioning stares with a jaded look. "He's referring to a plastic toy. He is always putting it down were it has no business."_

"_Is it a meatbun?" inquired the chibi-chimp, only now truly interested._

"_She's not a meatbun!" protested the Comedy god from behind his bunny armor. "She's my **wife**!"_

_All **re**turned to Konran, eyes asking the question which each of them felt was too stupid to ask aloud._

_The god replied evenly, "Don't worry. He's playing 'house'. The toy is his 'wife' when he plays, since Higeki can't stand it and Chitsujo does nothing but work."_

"_I'm surrounded by infants!" Sanzo turned abruptly and left, presumably to seek more of his Marlboros._

_The rest fidgeted momentarily, before Goku and Lirin dragged Yumoa to his feet._

"_Sorry 'bout tryin' t' kill ya," apologized the golden-eyed heretic. "But show us where th' meatbuns are! We'll help ya look, an' then we can eat th' **real** meatbuns!" This, he was certain, was a **brilliant** plan._

"_Really?" Yumoa's eyes filled with tears and he hugged the both of them, fountains of eye water spouting from his ducts. "I love you guys!" Then he pulled away at once and said emotionally, "Let's go find my baby!" _

_The three hurried upstairs to Yumoa's room, both to search and consume the meatbuns he had stashed (more than a little conspicuously) under his pillow.

* * *

_

_**(Mini-Tangent: Five Minutes Earlier)**_

_After receiving a particularly odd signal on his radar, Otis the Tooth Fairy grunted to his disgruntled feet and strapped on his wings, taking off through the dimensional portals and arriving at his destination within mere seconds. Despite this ease of travel, however, Otis was still as grouchy and tired as he would have been if he had marched across the Arctic wasteland barefoot. This was merely his personality. His job wasn't nearly as hard as he would have had his parole officer believing._

_He found himself in a notably opulent room of golden and crimson silk trappings, with a king-size bed which not only dwarfed the tiny man-fairy, but insulted him as well._

"_Spoilt brat kid's gonna wonna loada quid fo' thissun," he grumbled, scratching his rear through the chafing pink leotard and glaring around himself._

_And then he saw the pillow, and at that moment realized why his pillometer had been so out of whack. There was a mountain of food under it. No teeth whatsoever. This veritably outraged the little man-fairy._

"_Draggin' me out 'ere fo' nuffin'!" he spat, marching over to the bedside with his hands on his hips. This was the **second** time he'd come to this realm and met with something ridiculous. Though he did have to admit that the meatbuns were a welcome change from that Smith and Wesson and the purple-eyed demon wielding it—what kind of holy man slept with a gun under his pillow anyway?_

_He whipped out his star-tipped glittery magenta wand and pointed it at the pillow. "Iffat's 'ow ye wonts it, 'en 'at's 'ow ye gets it!" he declared, flicking the wand with a ferociously glittery sparkle._

_(POUF!) The meatbuns vanished to his realm—they would serve as his lunch for at least a week or two—and in their place remained only the Tooth Fairy's spiteful revenge. He vowed never to return again._

_Five minutes later, the search party-of-three burst into Yumoa's room to seek out his "wife" and rescue the food. However, rather than the cornucopia-o-meatbuns they had expected, they found…_

…_a single quarter._

—_end mini-tangent—(A/N: Otis has a ridiculously thick English accent, so read it as such.)

* * *

_

**(Lydia's Room)**

I had slept for maybe two hours before waking to the sound of my door opening and closing. I couldn't seem to move my body. It hurt so much and I had a head-splitting migraine, so I merely remained prone, squinting up at the canopy and hoping that it was Konran. I could use my last bit of strength to take him with me to the grave.

My mind is fairly one-tracked.

To my disappointment, however, my visitor was not a god, but a youkai with an eternal smile to mask everything that went on inside his head. Eh, _suum cuique_. (**Trans**: _to each their own_)

"Oh, good, you're awake," Hakkai said with impeccable bedside manner. "I brought you some chicken soup, just in case you felt well enough to eat."

Come to think of it, I _was_ starving. But first things first. I needed sugars and caffeine.

"Have you any coffee? Mountain Dew? Oh, sweet sanity, I think my head's gonna explode," I groaned, raising my stitched right arm to block the light of the gas lamps in the amber sconces. It felt like a friggin' hangover.

"There you go," he responded placidly, coming up beside the bed where I lay and setting a large mug of the makeshift mocha—as I liked to think of it—on the nightstand. The scent wafted to my nostrils and I almost cried again, though for different reasons.

"Man, Hakkai, you're my hero," I cheered softly, too worn to do much more.

"Let's make this easier." He gently adjusted the pillows, stacking several beneath the ones I already had in order to carefully raise me to a sitting position. It stung to move my stomach muscles—that particular cut had almost been deep enough to eviscerate me (ARGH!)—but breathing still hurt more, so it didn't bother me nearly as much.

After some struggling, I was finally upright with a table bridged across my lap and a bowl of chicken soup and the mug of makeshift mocha on top. They smelled so wonderful that I sat for several moments just breathing, fighting the pain and inhaling the rich scents of food. Okay…maybe I wouldn't take Konran to the grave with me…I mean, he'd probably pester me for the rest of my afterlife! No, I didn't need that kind of baggage.

Wearing a pleasant smile for once—_not_ a mask, but an actual smile—I picked up the mug and drank the not-too-hot-slash-not-too-cold liquid while Hakkai sat at the foot of the bed and waited for my opinion. In fact, the temperature could only have been described as "Goldylocks."

The mug was half-full (I'm an optimist) by the time I finally set it down and grinned at Hakkai. I knew I had a chocolate moustache, but I didn't care. "Dude, that was way better than the _last _time you made it!" I complimented with a grin.

He smirked—no, not smiled, but _smirked_—and replied lightly, "Oh, good. I'll tell Konran that you liked it."

Grin went bye-bye. "Konran made it?" I glared askance at the mug. "So what did he use? Cyanide? Strychnine? Lead and asbestos?"

"Lydia," he reproached gently, "Konran is not trying to kill you."

I frowned at him. "A fickle resolve, that one."

He simply smiled that mask of a smile—somehow it seemed more artificial than usual. Maybe he was worried about something? "I did make the soup though, and I can assure you that I would rather see you healthy than dead. Tell me how it is. I'm afraid the kitchen here is the emptiest I've ever seen, so my resources are limited."

"Aww, don't put yerself down, ol' chap!" I said, waving his doubts aside with my more mobile arm—the chest stitches on the other side made all movements of my left half painful as hell. My only saving grace was the fact that I could eat fairly well with my right hand. It was sloppier, but it worked. "You're a culinary genius."

"Why, thank you." The smile was more real this time around. Good.

"I mean, what would any of us do without you? You're like Mommy to us all—though I think Sanzo might be hard-pressed to ever call you Mommy. Hmm. _I'll_ call you Mommy, then." I ate some of the soup and laughed. "Oh, man. I love you! Why can't I cook this well?"

He blinked. "Oh? But that…adobo, was it?…that was very good."

"Bah. That's the only dish I can prepare on Master Chef level, and only because I make it every week for myself. Anything else is like a science project." I sipped more soup and continued, "As in, 'I hypothesize that fish and peanut butter is a feasible combination!' That one made my stomach _this_ close to killing itself."

"Oh, dear," he laughed a little. "I think even Goku would avoid that one."

I shrugged with a smile and ate some of the chicken bits and pieces of potato. "So," I said at length, "what's got you feelin' down in the dumps, eh? Your smile's slipping."

"Ah, it's nothing." He shook his head and made to stand, but before he was out of reach I caught his hand and frowned up at him.

"Hakkai, if it's because of me, I apologize from the bottom of my butt," I said, dead serious.

He stared, then without warning he laughed a pure, unhindered laugh. His good eye sparkled. "What does _that_ mean?"

I smiled and let go of his hand with a shrug. "Well, my heart's not _nearly_ as big as my butt."

He stood for a few seconds, the laughter still leaving its mark on his face, then with seemingly fresh resolve he pulled up a stray chair and sat down. "Actually, I've had a sort of dilemma," he admitted.

I clapped my hands, winced, and made a mental note not to do that again. "Well, let Auntie Lydia make it all better—or at least vent. You can vent. I'm not easily offended when I don't want to be. Just because I'm momentarily crippled doesn't mean I'm a pansy."

Still smiling a little, he said softly, "It _is_ about you, I'm afraid."

"What about me?"

"I was just wondering how you're really feeling. You act as though you're hadn't nearly died, yet we all see that you're struggling." Even with only one eye, he managed to pin me with a penetrating stare just as strong as Sanzo's. Intellect goes a long way.

I fidgeted, then broke eye contact and stared at the soup. "It's just what I do. I'm not one to let adversity get the best of me. Besides, I'm a firm believer that laughter is the best medicine, and that everyone's better off not stressing over every little matter. Sure, I _nearly_ died, but I didn't anyway, so why bother with the what ifs?"

When I looked back up at him, he was silently laughing, which made me frown uncertainly. "How old _are_ you?" he asked, smiling. "I swear, sometimes you're a child and sometimes you're a mature woman."

I chuckled and wiggled my fingers in the air all spooky-like. "Oooh, fear me, for I am the great enigma!" Then I stopped and shook my head. "It's neither. I'm just too old for my skin. And besides, who are you to talk about hiding how hurt you are? You do it on a daily basis, dude."

"Ah, but I _am_ an adult, and I _am_ allowed that privilege." He stood then and headed out. "I'll be back in an hour to pick up your dishes. Please rest. No more strenuous movement, okay?"

"Okay, Mommy!"

He sighed, wearing a real albeit exasperated smile, and left without a response.

Just as I was about to resume my meal, however, a piercing wail interrupted and Yumoa burst into my room, slamming the door behind him.

I stared at him with the spoon still hovering halfway between my mouth and my bowl. "Care to explain?"

He looked at me, pouted with tears in his eyes and vanished, only to appear half a moment later lying on my bed, curled up on his side and clinging to a pillow. "She's _gone_!" he grieved like a toddler throwing a tantrum.

"Uh-huh." I continued eating. Best not converse too much with the crazies.

By the time I was done with my soup, he had fallen asleep—again, like a tantrum-throwing toddler. Upon closer inspection, I saw that he was sucking his thumb. I smiled and set my table on the floor, then resettled myself with a little effort and fell asleep as well, petting his soft white hair like a worry stone to ease my nerves.

* * *

_**(Author's Note)**_

_According to my Stats Meter, the most popular chapter is Chapter 18, Corruption: A Twisted Methodology. I must say, though, that this chapter here is my personal favorite. Mostly because I **LOVE** the idea of the Tooth Fairy being a disgruntled Cockneymidget on parole. And because Yumoa says that "I'll thank you not to cook my wife" quote from Ren and Stimpy. Oh, and yes, I've tried the fish and peanut butter thing. My advice: DON'T. Every time I read through this chapter, I laugh so hard! _

**_NOTE TO ALL READERS: PLEASE TELL ME WHICH CHAPTER WAS YOUR FAVORITE AND WHY IN A REVIEW OR A PM OR SOMETHING. I WANT TO USE THE INFO TO HELP ME WRITE "THE SEQUEL"!_**

—_Cyh Scævola, the Chaos Theoryst OUT_


	24. Tragedy: Birth of the Abomination

**The Irony Gods: Chapter 24

* * *

**

_(Disclaimer: A little reminder, the OCs are MINE, but the Saiyuki cast is all Minekura's hard work. Kudos to the brilliance that is madame Minekura!)_

_**(Author's Note) (08-02-06) (3:13 AM)**_

_I am suffering some of the worst writers' block this planet has ever faced…though it's acute writers' block, fortunately. In other words, I'm having trouble with only one particular project…hmm…artists' block, too. This sucks so much. Oh, and here's Vicodinland, a bit belated…though I suppose I based it more off an acid trip described by Eddie Griffin than Bill Engvall's bit. And yes, I know I'm sick. You'll see why I tell you this in a moment or two._

**_Quote(s) of the Day:_** _"Every time you eat a steak, a vegan hippie's hackey-sack falls in the gutter."—BumperSticker_

"_You can't make a person love you…you can only stalk them and hope for the best."—BumperSticker

* * *

_

_**Tragedy: Birth of the Abomination**_

It was hot. I mean, _swelteringly, nauseatingly, mind-blowingly **HOT**_. I was convinced that the pantheon of deities hated me, and were now punishing my stupidity with weather to make the Serengeti and outdoor, high noon Las Vegas look comfy and hospitable. I was discovering the hard way that the tower Konran had recreated contained no air conditioning or fans or dehumidifiers or anything else to make me not want to kill myself just to end this torture. Cyborg mutant youkai, I can handle; but heat and humidity are my bane.

Health-wise, though, I was getting much better. Stitches had come out earlier today, but the jagged scars were still raw and pink, and itched like mad, and the one under my left arm still stretched enough to bleed when I took deep breaths, so it was scabbed over.

Every night was healing time, and Hakkai's chi combined with Yaone's medicinal skills had brought me almost back to full health. This was a good thing, because heat was bad enough, but Yaone had restricted my caffeine intake for healing reasons, which meant that I had a constant pain right behind my left eye, throbbing and throbbing and….urgh!

I was lying and suffering and contemplating the easiest and quickest way to die when I heard the noise.

I went still with fear. Wide-eyed, I searched the area.

—there it was again!

I squeaked—a very, _very_ cowardly sound—and threw the covers over my head, calling for Hakkai or Yaone at the top of my lungs. However, neither heard my pleas, so I tried everyone else _but_ Konran the Barbarian.

Once more, no one came to my desperate aid. I was going to cry! Why did the gods hate me? No longer did the heat bother, for there were more pressing terrors to be faced.

—and again, the sound, only it was under the covers with me!

"EEEK!" I screamed a very high, girly scream—who am I and what have I done with me?!—and threw my pride out the window. "**_KONRAN!_**" I leapt from beneath the covers and slammed into something painful and solid.

"What the hell is going on here?" demanded the painfully solid object.

I didn't care _what_ it was. I clung like a limpet and screamed, "Kill them! Kill the hideous bloodsucking beasts! There's mosquitoes in them thar hills!"

The object was very quiet, then sighed, then untangled me from the sheets and made me look him in the glowing phthalo green eyes. "Lydia, that is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard you say."

I gritted my teeth and clung more tightly. "Shut up and do something about them!"

"Zzzzziiiiiiiiiiiiiii—!" Another spine-tingling whine hovered by my right ear and I squealed like a total pansy.

"Konran, please!" I begged, scrambling up onto his shoulders and clinging to his hair, hunched over with the blanket wrapped around me as my ultimate defense.

"Get off my head!"

"I'll get off when you kill the freaking bugs!"

"I can't do it when you're on top of me!"

"KONRAN!"

* * *

_**(Five Minutes Later)**_

_After a particularly brutal game of Mahjong with his three other companions, Gojyo was all ready to cut his losses and go to bed, especially since the monk had decided that tomorrow would be their last day of waiting. Hakkai had informed them that one more day was enough to get the girl back to full health, and being the uptight, mechanically tireless asshole he was, Sanzo had jumped at the chance to end their relaxing vacation._

"_Dammit," he groaned, throwing his head back and staring at the ceiling while he smoked and went to his room on the third floor, passing the two gods' quarters along the way to the second-floor staircase. _

_The ikkou had gotten the third floor, the gods had the second floor, and Kougaiji's gang had the fourth floor. Most of the other floors were for aesthetic purposes, though Konran had spent a great deal of time on the top floor to survey the goings-on around them. The rest of his time had been spent either planning with the two groups or pacing in front of his and Lydia's room to keep a close watch on her progress._

"_I swear it won't hurt," came a muffled, tired voice from the other side of Lydia's door at the top of the stone stairway._

_Gojyo halted and stared at the heavy wood with a confused frown. How had the guy gotten in without pissing the girl off?_

"_I don't want to. It's creepy," insisted Lydia. "And **that** thing is **huge**."_

_Konran laughed teasingly, "I still cannot believe it. Of all things, **that** is what scares you most."_

"_I'm not scared—it's just gross, all right? …Okay, you can put it in now—wait, let me watch!"_

_There was a muffled yelp and a loud thump, and the kappa leaned an ear against the door to figure out what was happening. His perverted half had a theory, but he had learned well enough in life that things were easily misinterpreted._

"_Why did you kick mei" demanded Konran in what sounded like disappointed irritation._

"_You said it wouldn't hurt!" the girl argued. "That stung like hell!"_

"_Well, maybe it just hurts the first time, and you **are** still injured. I promise that it feels good, if you would just let me pin you so that you don't squirm too much. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, especially with something so long."_

_Despite his rational side's argument that here was a perfectly logical explanation for all of this, Gojyo grinned anyway, thinking that maybe there was more to it. Were they on good terms now? Had Konran finally figured out a way to get her? And what was going on in there?_

"_Hey, get back in that bed right this instant! We're not done here." The god's voice was half-laughing._

"_Make me!" There were struggling noises, a silence, and at length a breathless gasp from Lydia._

"_See? Not so bad now, is it?"_

"_Ooooh…that's nice…"_

_The sound of footsteps startled the kappa without warning, and he jerked away from the door, running into Hakkai and sending them both sprawling noisily to the floor. Hakuryu merely hovered and cheeped his irritation toward the water sprite._

"_Gojyo, what were you doing?" Hakkai grimaced and rubbed his head where it had hit the wall._

"_Shhhh!" Gojyo clamped a hand over his friend's face and pointed the other at the door. "Something's going on."_

_And then there were two—standing with ears pressed to the door in curiosity. Three, if one counted Hakuryu, who perched upon Hakkai's left shoulder and listened intently as well. Though, in the dragon's opinion, the children were behaving more than a little foolish, standing and eavesdropping on conversations which didn't concern them._

"_Gojyo, what am I listening for?" Hakkai whispered, frowning over at the crimson back of Gojyo's head. The kappa's antennae merely twitched as the voices picked up again._

"_Ah! Holy crap, that feels…good…"_

"_I told you so."_

"_I'm still pissed at you." Lydia's voice was a little higher than usual._

_Konran chuckled. "You don't sound very angry."_

"_Oh, shut up…and don't stop, bastard," she groaned._

"_What the hell are you two doing?" demanded Sanzo, appearing at the top of the steps and startling Gojyo and Hakkai so badly that they jumped and crashed through the door, finding themselves suddenly on the other side. Sanzo scowled and covered his eyes with one hand. "Idiots."_

"_Heyyy, whozzat?" slurred the only female voice present._

_Konran was standing beside the bed with a small bottle in one hand and a roll of gauze in the other, frowning in confusion at the spectacle before him. He was also a little annoyed at the interruption. "I beg your pardon, everybody, but what is the meaning of this?"_

_Gojyo eased himself to a kneeling position, as opposed to the face-plant, and squinted up through the long, tangled strands of his hair. "Um, nothing. We were just passing by. Wanted to say good night." Total bull, but his head was in no condition for complex thoughts at that particular moment. The only signals getting through from his key thinking centers were busy signals._

_Hakkai gave his friend a disparaging frown and amended the explanation. "We came to see how Lydia was doing."_

_Konran quirked one eyebrow. "Uh-huh…" The Chaos god wasn't so sure, but he was willing to give Hakkai the benefit of the doubt. He nodded toward the prone figure on the bed and held up the small bottle. "The heat was bothering her, and so were the mosquitoes, so I used this to help her feel a bit more comfortable, and disposed of the insects forthwith." He chanced a sideways glance at the water sprite, who was getting to his feet and fixing his hair. "I do suspect that Gojyo thought differently, however."_

"_What's in that bottle?" Sanzo asked, dropping his hand to search for a cigarette. A pair of bright golden eyes peered around him at the shattered door._

"_A little bit of calamine and a lot of menthol," smiled the god. "I wrapped some of her wounds and gave her a special sedative."_

"_Heee…'snot that hot no more," giggled the intoxicated girl. She felt no pain, no hatred. All was love and peace, man. Oh, such psychedelic colors were dripping from the ceiling and onto the starburst flowers growing from the floors. A lawn gnome and a pink flamingo frolicked through a meadow of purple daffodils and neon green shag carpet._

_Goku went around Sanzo and into the room, then walked up to the bed and stared at her as she giggled uncontrollably at the nightstand—though, if she had been asked, she was giggling at what some might describe as an artists rendition of a pickled onion. "What didja give her? She's like Gojyo drunk, 'cept she's not."_

"_In a way, she is," chuckled Konran, who had thought the idea positively brilliant. He picked up a syringe with a huge, long needle from the bedcovers. The needle had to be long to reach into the deeper muscle of her right _gluteus maximus _(i.e butt cheek). "She complains much less now."_

"_You're creepy."_

_The god grinned a pointy grin, then turned to leave with a chuckle. "You should let her sleep, especially since master Sanzo wishes to leave the morning after tomorrow. She should be fine by then." He didn't disagree with the boy's comment, because he himself occasionally felt that he was a bit creepy at times. Such was the paradox of an Irony God.

* * *

_

_**(Houtou Castle)**_

_Higeki drifted through her room with a vacant air, touching this and that object and absorbing the information it offered. She knew that her brother had gone to accompany Konran, but did not find it the least bit unusual. Like Comedy, Tragedy had long since grown accustomed to the wild variations in temperament of their cousin Chaos, and was no more surprised than her brother to learn of Konran's inevitable disintegration._

_Her bare feet padded along silently as she left the room and headed toward the lab where Chitsujo almost certainly had gone. There was a pressure in the air, a heaviness which only she could sense, as though a glimpse of the future lay just beyond the bounds of this realm. By shifting planes the tiniest bit, she took in the knowledge, then reverted back to the original plane to sift through the emotional information._

_She could sense impending death, though this death felt muddled—old like the ruins of the Parthenon, while fresh like the first spill of blood in the Haruspices. Specifics were unknown, but the outcomes were there. One would live, one would die, and both would lose power as a result. The balance would tip._

"Quod exspectat, Konran?_" she whispered._ _"_Tua soror de aliqua nōn curat. Aeolī mutatiunt, sed alea iacta est…_" (**Trans**:_ _What are you waiting for, Konran? Your sister does not care about anything. The winds are changing, but the die is cast…)_

"_Higeki, your assistance is required." Chitsujo appeared in the doorway to the lab, dispassionately awaiting her cousin's arrival, and promptly retreated back into the dim room._

"_You called for me?" murmured little Tragedy with the tone of one walking the Green Mile. Of course, it should be duly noted that this was the tone she used in any and all conversation regardless of the topic of discussion. She had been known to crash entire block parties, just by making idle chatter. People had committed violent suicides as a result of her more negative comments. Her mere presence at a social gathering tended to make all present feel as though someone had run over a puppy in the parking lot—with **her** car._

_Even Ni gave an involuntary hesitation when she entered the lab and seated herself neatly in the computer chair beside him._

"_My, you look depressed," he commented vaguely, holding Snuggles in his lap and cocking his head to one side so that the glare of the surgical light hit his glasses at the right angle to throw a gleam into her face._

_She didn't reply, but instead stared off into the ether with an expression gazing into the past, upon flashbacks of Vietnam and the Holocaust and Antietam and the Punic wars all rolled into one. Her fathomless, deep electric blue eyes remained unfocused, her pupils dilating and shrinking at random._

_The Professor smirked at her emptiness. "Let's start the game!" squeaked the bunny in his lap, turning to Dr. Hwan, who was still running the final tests on the generator's amplifier coils._

"_Enough with the games, Ni!" the irritable doctor snapped angrily. "You must be losing your touch, because these settings are positively ridiculous! The amount of energy we need is only a fraction of what you have it set for." Furiously, she immersed herself in the adjustments and calculations at the remote console, fixing what she deemed to be the mad Professor's idea of a sick joke. They needed **one** resurrected Demon Lord, not an army of overkill!_

"_Oh, but I think you'll like this one. You want to make Lady Koushu, happy, don't you? All you have to do is keep those power levels a little bit higher than they should be." He leaned back in the chair and focused the electron microscope to his right with one hand while holding the bunny in the other, a cigarette hanging loosely from his smirk as always. "She will be especially happy when she sees the results of **this**."_

_Hwan glared briefly, then returned to the task at hand…then did a double-take and stared at the monitor beside the Professor in open surprise. "Mutations? But wouldn't that just destroy them?"_

"_Yes," he replied, fighting a giggle, "but until they expire, they will be quite formidable. Perhaps they could assist us in disposing of a certain party?" The giggle won over, bubbling up like boiling water for a brief second, before calming and returning to a nonchalant smirk._

_Higeki's eyes finally focused upon her cousin, just as she completed the final adjustments on the generator's power supply. "Bending the line between life and death is forbidden."_

_Without even looking up, Chitsujo responded, "Perhaps in our realm, but we are unbound by technicalities in this plane." She set the tiny alan wrench aside and picked up a deceptively non-threatening surgical scalpel, beckoning for Higeki. "Come, cousin, there is one last piece to fit into the puzzle."_

_Tragedy knew what was required of her, and removed the palla from her head and shoulders and unwound the stola, setting each upon the seat beside her and standing in just the long, airy tunic and bare feet. She went to Order's side and offered her arms over the ancient alabaster bowl._

_With precision slashes, Chitsujo cut across the soft underside of Higeki's forearms, nicking the main arteries and releasing the hot, heavy blood of the Tragedy goddess. Her blood was the catalyst necessary to activate the generator, which itself was a complex combination of flesh and machine. The blood pooled darkly, then once the bowl held enough of the precious fluid, Order gave her cousin a towel to clean herself up and gingerly removed the container to the generator, opening the reaction chamber and pouring the blood inside._

_Ni got up to shut the chamber tightly as Chitsujo went to rinse the bowl and send it back to her plane, and his cold, black eyes glinted in excitement when the first stirrings of life became apparent in the creation. _

_It was shaped like a cone spiral, with delicate instruments interlaced with the ultra-resilient steel interlocking plates of the outer coils to better amplify the desired signals, with the reaction chamber thoroughly sealed within an armor of titanium, iron, and tungsten. The coils were the machine, meant to draw energy from the living reaction chamber and transform it into the sort of chi energy required to resurrect a demon Lord who had been sealed away for five hundred years. Intelligence flowed with the new blood in the reaction chamber, binding to the newborn creature within and sparking the first flares of life._

"_It's alive…" breathed Dr. Hwan, venturing as near to the generator as she dared and focusing her acute youkai hearing upon the faintest thrumming of a tiny heart._

_Within the chamber, a pair of milky white all-seeing eyes opened, feeling Tragedy's blood lend strength and power to the frail body which had been delicately restrained to lie prone upon a raised steel surface cut to its exact shape. It blinked slowly, and as it blinked, all the electronics in the laboratory flickered, and the hum of a struggling energy circuit permeated the eerie, breathless silence._

_Tragedy wiped her arms and watched the deep slices in the tender flesh knit back together, leaving her skin pale and smooth as though nothing had ever marred its surface. This was not the first time that her blood had been required in one of Chitsujo's projects. Physically, she was the least formidable of her peers, but within her blood was power to rival that of Zeus himself. As the goddess of Tragedy, she took on the powers of all the elements of Human Tragedy. War, hatred, vengeance, strife…the combined strength of the human spirit to survive adversity was hers to guard._

_She was a tool, just as Konran was a tool, but unlike her cousin, she was strong enough to weather the storm and await a change of masters._

_Unbeknownst to all, the newborn saw through all minds, all thoughts, all hearts, and closed its eyes, and went to sleep to gather its strength for the coming task. It was created to be a tool as well, a crime against nature, but it would have the final say on how long this indenture would last, and held no gods higher than itself.

* * *

_

**(Konran's AC-Lacking Tower: The Following Morning)**

"Oh for the love of toast," I groaned upon opening my eyes and having beams of light with the intensity of a thousand stars blast my retinas. "Konran! What the hell was in that syringe!"

"Shut up," he sighed from the other half of the bed, facing away and apparently attempting to catch some Zs. "It was a sedative. The light sensitivity is normal, so shut up already. I'm trying to sleep here."

I shaded my eyes from the light and glared at the shiny raven hair of the back of his head. Spitefully, my leg swung around and slammed my heel into the small of his back, launching him off the bed and sending him sprawling to the floor in his black silk pajamas.

"What the **HELL**, Lydia!?" he demanded angrily, springing back up to his feet and throwing his hands out to me in frustration. "I thought we were on good terms now!"

"What time is it? I'm dizzy. I need sugar…and lots and lots of caffeine." I didn't really give much of a crap about pretty-boy's desperate cries for attention.

His eyes flickered, then dimmed, and he dropped his arms and flopped back onto the bed, yanking the covers around himself and grumbling, "I stayed up all night watching over you, you ungrateful little…it's eight in the morning. Go downstairs and let your little friends see that you're back to normal."

Back to normal? I cocked my head to one side with a confused squint then threw the rest of the covers off myself and sat up, lifting my shirt a little and frowning at the zigzagging white scar across my lower abdomen. I felt my ribs and found no painful bruising, and on the other side the scar under my arm had stopped itching. Even the slice on my right forearm was no more than a pale bump stretched from my elbow to the back of my hand.

"Wait one cotton-pickin' minute here, bucko!" I turned back to his stubbornly hunched form. "Hakkai and Yaone did as much as they could last night, and they told me that the rest was up to my healing processes. I still had bruises in every color of the rainbow, and this thing here"—I raised my arm and jabbed at the left-side chest scar—"was scabby, red, and itching like mad." Impatiently, I grabbed a fistful of his silky hair and jerked his head around. "Explain!"

"Dammit, I would appreciate it if you would stop abusing me!" he shouted, swatting my hand away and giving me a bitter scowl. "I used the power you've been channeling to me for the past two days, and regenerated all the damaged tissue. I'm sorry about the scars, but I'm not accustomed to the power, and I wasn't sure of how to make a perfect fix. Now go on and leave me to my rest. I'm damn tired from all that regeneration, okay, Lydia?"

I opened my mouth, then closed it, then sighed. Crap, he was being sincere…the least I could do was thank him for fixing my idiot self. I touched his face lightly with one fingertip. "I'm sorry. I feel great, and thank you for healing me."

He was not convinced, but he didn't lend words to the dubious glimmer in his eyes. Instead he muttered, "I have to rest. I…sensed something, and it's not good at all. I'll need to be at my best when we leave at dawn."

"We? You won't fit in the jeep."

"I don't need a jeep," he replied in exasperation. He removed my hand from his face and patted it gently. "Go and let the others know that you're fine."

Seeing that he was going to be a stubborn ass, I rolled my eyes and got up to search for clothing and Ryushi. "Where are my threads?"

"In that bag over by the fireplace," he mumbled, turning his back to me once more and hunkering down for a good day's sleep.

He was too busy sleeping to watch me change, so I found the bag and put on fresh black jeans, black sneakers, and a dark red, long-sleeved V-neck shirt. I was covered with freaky scars, but was in no mood to advertise. Though, I couldn't help but snicker at the thought that once I returned to my world nobody would believe me when I told them that a horde of cyborg barbarian youkai attacked and nearly killed me because the god of Chaos was being a total asshole at the time. With my luck, I'd get thrown back into Happy Acres Insane Asylum to spend four more fruitful months with Napoleon Bonaparte and Jerry the Bellybutton Elf, creating new Twister strategies with which to savagely destroy my inflexible enemies.

Konran's breaths were slow and regular when I checked on him before I left, and he wore a peaceful expression. His dense black lashes fanned across his cheek—which made me both jealous and intrigued. As much as I hated to admit it, physically, he was everything I had ever liked in a guy—at least, he would have been, had I the patience to turn to such endeavors. Konran was gorgeous, especially while asleep and unguarded. Plus, I'm a total sucker for guys with black hair wearing all black.

"I like you better when you're asleep and not pissing me off," I sighed, shaking my head. I was going to flagellate myself when I got home, and beat those unsettling thoughts out of my brain.

"You like me…when **you**…are asleep…as well…" he breathed. "A pity that…you do not when…we are both…awake."

I stared in stunned silence, then dropped to my knees on the floor next to his side of the bed. "You talk in your sleep too?!" I hissed.

"You inherited it…from me…as my earthly…equivalent…" He sighed and rolled over away from me. "Didn't I…tell you to go?"

Ooooookay…can you say _creepy?_

"Right. Sleep well, creepy man…god…deity…oh, what the hell." I left before he could make a reply to further my weirded-out feelings toward the source of all my troubles, slinging Ryushi onto my shoulder in its sheath and closing the heavy, duct tape-coated door behind me. I wasn't going to ask. Answers were like puzzles in and of themselves, and I saw no reason to further my confusion. Accept the bizarre and be satisfied.

I found the dining room after some searching on the first floor, along with everybody who wasn't a deity. Lirin veritably attacked me with a glomp, though I was prepared for it and managed not to crack my skull when I hit the floor. This caused Goku to become angry in monkeylike manner, yelling at her to get off of me and quit ramming me into the floor. Lirin reacted by jumping up and challenging him to a fight right then and there.

The imminent battle prompted Sanzo to draw his weapon and shoot it off indoors in the stone room, resulting in lead ricocheting off the walls, ceiling, and floor for several terrifying moments. Panic ensued, and all ducked under the wobbly, poorly repaired dining table until each of three bullets had embedded itself in the thick wood.

"I just got better, and now you want to kill me after all that suffering?" I said tightly to the passively hostile monk. "C'mon! You'll have to come up with a more effective plan than that."

"What the hell are you doing out of bed already?" he replied, just as tightly. There were more veins than usual throbbing on his face, and he looked like he was having trouble breathing.

I frowned. "Damn, Sanzo. You look like hell, and believe me: I know what hell looks like, 'cause I just spent two days living there. Turns out Konran is manager down there."

Right before the angry priest made a move to shoot me in the face, Yumoa materialized out of thin air, as was his custom, and set a pair of brown paper bags on the table before him.

"Heerya go!" he said cheerily. "There's twenty boxes, so make it last!" While Sanzo shredded the first box he could grab and extracted one of his precious Marlboros, Comedy noticed me and grinned. "Lyds! I knew Kon would make you better!"

Traitorous fiend, trying to seem all friendly while handing me over to the enemy. I didn't care that Konran was being nice. He still made me uneasy, and Yumoa was _not_ helping me feel better about it. Therefore, I ignored him and sat down at the table between Yaone and Gojyo. "Hey, guys," I greeted perkily. "I'm starving to death, going through caffeine withdrawal not unlike the pain which Sanzo recently endured, and I'm in the first stages of diabetic shock." They both stared at me in uncertainty as to how they should respond to my statement.

Response was unnecessary. I spotted the pot of coffee and the bowl of sugar and snatched up both, then poured a load of sugar into the pot and started chugging the warm liquid.

Their uncertainty instantly became concern. "Maybe you should eat something first?" suggested Gojyo, who was about halfway through a plate of miscellaneous dishes which Hakkai—or rather, I _assumed_ the cook was Hakkai—had prepared. How could I be sure that Kougaiji didn't have a wicked affiliation with omelets?

I finished downing the six cups of coffee and set the pot down, disregarding the open stares of Kougaiji's entire posse. "Your opinion has been taken into consideration. However, my relationship with caffeine is akin to your relationship with nicotine, in that if we do not have out fixes, we are incapable of functioning at a competent level. Behold our dear Sanzo, already on his third cigarette. If a band of rabid wombats were to attack us right now, we would surely perish, yet if they were to attack us five minutes hence, Sanzo would easily dispatch the offending rodents."

He sweatdropped—it was a big one, too! Without hesitation or forewarning, I reached up and plucked it from his head, then stuck it in my pocket just as another, even bigger one formed to replace it.

I took that one, too.

"Did she just…?" Dokugakuji trailed off into a disturbed silence, his eyes turning from me to his brother repeatedly before settling on Gojyo.

"You get use to it," he sighed in response, chuckling and picking his chopsticks back up. "Oy, Lydia, try the _udon_—Hakkai made it fresh."

"I knew it!" I cried, pumping a fist into the air and giggling like an escaped mental patient, which I wasn't—I was "discharged under extenuating circumstances" according to my records.

Yumoa approached tentatively from behind while I filled a plate to bursting with everything within arms' reach, and tapped my shoulder lightly. "Um, Lyds?"

"Wha' you wan'?" I grouched past a mouthful of _udon_ and omelet…and bacon…and _gyouza_…I was beginning to suspect that cigarettes hadn't been the only commodity which Comedy had been sent to procure.

"I…have to go."

I choked down the tennis ball-sized lump of food, and gasped after Yumoa had successfully performed the Heimlich Maneuver, "What's _that_ supposed to mean?"

He smiled a little, but it was sheepish and a tad unhappy—this disturbed me more than anything else. "Well, you see, Bob told me last night that Chitsujo has finally finished her creation, and Higeki needs me now, so I have to go and help her."

For some reason I could not fathom, I was frowning. I didn't want him to go…so I told myself that it was because I didn't want to be stuck with Konran as the only god around, most certainly not because I would miss my traitorous…comrade. "When are you leaving?"

His brows rose and he seemed to be looking up at a clock that wasn't even there. "Now."

And then he wasn't there anymore.

"Awww, maaaaan!" whined Lirin, vociferously displeased with his departure, though not displeased enough to stop ramming food into her mouth to keep up with Goku's gluttony.

Kougaiji sweatdropped—a good one, too, but I couldn't reach him, and he consciously leaned away from me when he did it, the selfish jerk. "What's wrong, Lirin?"

She responded emphatically, "We still didn't find those meatbuns!"

* * *

**_(Author's Note—it's a long one 'cause I've been out awhile…)_**

_Writers' block is a stinky-butt poop-head. I struggled for over a week on this damn chapter, mostly because I wanted to pick up the pace and get into the parts I REALLY want to write (insert evil maniacal laughter here). The mosquito thing was…the ultimate exaggeration of my aversion to those creatures. I just wanted to see Lydia do all the things I always want to do whenever I hear that ominous whine. And the sweatdrop collection is back by popular demand…sort of. The generator's reaction chamber was half-inspired by those pods in the first Matrix movie where they grow babies…though mine is more of a prison than a womb._

_ANYWAY, according to you all, the most popular chapter is Cannibalism: You Are Whom You Eat, and I must say that after rereading it, I'm making that my favorite chapter as well…it had everything! I accredit Hannibal, Jeffrey Dahmer, Calvin and Hobbes, Blueberry Cheesecake, Physics class, and Mountain Dew with that chapter's formation._

_**READERS' NOTE**: **TELL ME YOUR FAVORITE OC AND WHY**…that way I can figure out what the hell makes people tolerate my creations' proximity to the cannon charas…so many out there seem to hate OCs with a passion. I try not to be too closed-minded about artistic license, and I can see where the feeling comes from, but hatred of OCs makes me worry that perhaps people simply lack the necessary imagination to create a character with real depth. Therefore leech endlessly upon the back-stories of the cannon characters to obtain that depth. Besides, you can only do so much with a character whose existence has been drawn out by another person who hasn't even finished fleshing them out. In the end, the disclaimer still says that it's not really yours._

—_Cyh Scævola, the Chaos Theoryst OUT_


	25. Truth: Verisimilitude and NaPentothal

**The Irony Gods: Chapter 25**

_**(Author's Note)**_

_I guess you could say that I have coprastasophobia, only not of the bowels, but of the scribble gland… Um…for those of you too lazy to Google coprastasophobia, it's a fear of constipation. Go ahead and toss that into the next conversation you have. Pretend it's contagious and scare your neighbors. (Yes, I can spell coprastasophobia without looking at a piece of paper—I can also spell electroencephalograph. And antidisestablishmentarianism…and cat. XD) I love language as much as I love Mountain Dew. In other words, as I die of diabetes, I shall explicate my desire to be displayed as taxidermy in my own home in a manner befitting that of the great Cicero himself. _

_**Quote(s) of the Day:** "Do not float above me while I'm dying in the abyss!"—Dane Cook, Comedian_

"_A lot of people laughed at that joke. Do I deprive them of a good laugh just because they were born without souls?"—Daniel Tosh, Comedian_

"_You can learn a lot about a person if you just take the time to inject them with sodium pentothal."—BumperSticker_

**_Truth: Verisimilitude and Sodium Pentothal_**

_**(Houtou Castle—Evening)**_

_Slinking through the long stone corridors, a shadowed figure progressed steadily towards its destination like a bloodhound on the trail of a fugitive. It sensed prey as an Osprey senses a fish slipping silently through shallow waters, the camouflaged back lending nothing to its defense. At the approach of a youkai soldier who turned around a corner headed for the resurrection room, the figure hesitated and slipped easily up the nearest wall and across the ceiling, where it sat motionless until the threat had passed._

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

_Some minutes away in the lab of Professor Ni Jianyi, lit by the solitary glow of a single computer monitor, Dr. Hwan was in the midst of compiling a database of measurements and observations about the chi generator which would be closely studied for future use. The first few hours after activation were critical, and the levels had to be carefully maintained in order to keep the small, trapped being alive. Initial diagnostics had revealed unusually high levels of brain activity in the visual centers of its brain, but that may have been due to the expected arcs of blue electricity which had begun snapping and zipping across the metal surface of the machine an hour after activation. At its current stage, sparks of energy crackled between the coils only occasionally._

_However, Hwan knew that his drop-off in outer activity was in no way an indication of a drop-off in inner activity, for while the sparks grew fewer and further between, the little peaks of the electroencephalograph Ni had implanted into the creature's brain intensified and multiplied exponentially. It was a testament to the human's incredible talents that he had pulled off flawless non-invasive brain surgery. But Dr. Hwan refused to admit this aloud._

_There was only one test left to administer before she could prognosticate that the generator was fit for use in their designs._

_But as she pushed away from the terminal and spun the chair around to start the test, a white-haired shadow stepped into the computer's stark bluish light and stopped her from getting up._

"_Hey, Hwan!" Yumoa chirped enthusiastically, quickly grabbing the Doctor's wrists, and in a flash restraining them behind the back of the chair with a pair of handcuffs he had stolen from a sleeping night watchman outside of a mall in Lydia's plane. "I have a few questions for ya."_

"_What the—what are you doing!" she cried indignantly, struggling against the cuffs to no avail. Of all the mishaps she might have expected, this was certainly last on her list. Yumoa wasn't even **remotely** near her threat radar. "I'm not telling you anything."_

"_Oh, hush. Yes you will," he chided as though scolding a child—which was ironic, since Hwan was the one who saw him as childish and noisy. "Hold still while I give you the shot."_

"_Shot? What shot? Stop that!" Calmly, with a cheerfully blank smile, he spun her chair enough to offer one of her arms, and without even moving her white coat sleeve out of the way, stuck a small syringe into her upper arm and injected a clear fluid._

"_Okie, dokie!" He grinned and pulled up a second chair, leaning his elbows on his thighs while he sat with his fingers laced loosely before him, as would a concerned psychotherapist. "I've just injected you with sodium pentothal—truth serum. Honestly, I'm not sure how it'll hold up to a youkai's metabolism, but it's worth a shot anyway—get it? Worth a **shot**? Heh-heh-heh…oh, I love my job."_

"_You…traitor!" Hwan's slowly deadening eyes sent him a farewell glare before losing light and going vacant._

_Yumoa merely smiled, and there was a touch of mischief in his flame-colored gaze. "I can't be a traitor if I haven't chosen a side now, can I?" _

_Hwan didn't reply, as his question was rhetorical and did not require an answer._

_Yumoa rubbed his hands together, thoroughly pleased with the results of his homemade truth serum. The tank of laughing gas had been his backup, but since he clearly didn't need it now, he made a mental note to bring it to Lydia's next birthday and fill a bunch of balloons with a mixture of laughing gas and helium. Not only would people talk in high-pitched voices, they would be incapable of holding in their laughter. Ideas like this gave him a sense of purpose, and the mere thought of carrying out such a plan made him feel all warm and fuzzy inside._

_He placed Bob to sit on the desktop beside him and turned back to Hwan, smirking like a kid with fireworks. "Just to be sure that the serum is working properly, I have to run a couple of tests," he informed the inattentive Doctor. "Now, my dear Hwan, could you tell me your name?"_

"_Doctor Hwan," responded the Doctor without hesitation._

"_What's the answer to life, the universe, and everything?"_

"_Forty-two."_

"_Wow, so it really **is**," he mused. He pouted a little, thinking hard on a final test, then gasped and grinned, "Who **really** crashed your computer and corrupted eighty percent of your data files?"_

_The corners of her eyes tightened, and her brows came closer together behind her glasses. She'd been telling everyone that Yumoa had done it, and he wanted to be certain that she wasn't completely deluding herself. Plus, the conniving god just found it plain hilarious that she had done all the damage on her own while attempting to prevent him from doing exactly that._

_Her mouth barely moved, "I did."_

"_Sweet! It works!" Comedy did a little dance in his chair, then snapped back to his purpose for being there and said with a straight face and serious eyes, "Where is Higeki?"_

"_She is in the resurrection chamber." Her voice had gone completely monotone._

_He raised one brow in mild surprise. "With whom, may I ask?"_

"_Chitsujo and Professor Ni are discussing the processes involved in resurrecting Lord Gyumaoh, and she is assisting in their search for answers."_

"_Huh. Typical of her, getting all wrapped up in Chitsujo's funky machinations." He frowned at a paperclip, picked it up, and started fiddling with it. "I should really take her to Disneyland. I think all that time on Acheron was simply not good for her. What do you think? Disneyland?"_

"_I don't know what Disneyland is," replied the drugged Doctor, staring vacantly at the air._

_He lit up and set down his paper clip smiley face. "Really? I'll take you too, then! It's a theme park, and it's REALLY fun! Wanna come with us?"_

"_Not particularly."_

_His smile frowned. "Aww, I like it better when people lie a little. Don't you think bending the truth is nicer than brutal honesty?"_

"_Sometimes."_

_He sighed and glanced over his shoulder at the giant tank of nitrous oxide, then twirled the chair around and stood up. "And I suppose the crazy man, Chitsujo, and yourself are preparing the chi generator as we speak, eh?" Pinching the clear tube shut, he drew out the hose and opened the valve the slightest bit, leading the nosepiece over to where the Doctor was passively restrained._

"_The generator is completed. The Professor is sending it out tonight."_

_Yumoa almost dropped the hose, but caught himself quickly and straightened up, squaring his shoulders and turning to face Hwan with a twitchy smile. "R-really? Is that s-so?" He blinked and frowned, his eyes darting from right to left in worry, then falling back on the Doctor with a sharp glint. "Where is Akhlys—I mean Ákùmu?"_

"_In the generator."_

_He grimaced and stamped his foot in frustration. "Oh, damn!—oops!" Quickly, he covered his mouth and glanced around to make sure no one had heard him curse. Hwan wouldn't remember it, and Bob was the only other present, so he lowered his hands and took a deep, steadying breath. "Oh, man, Kon's gonna kill me…How did you all get it done so early?"_

"_The reaction chamber worked more quickly than we had originally expected."_

"_Shoot. I hadn't considered that possibility. Well, looks like I'll be sticking around." Resuming his previously interrupted duty, he brought the nosepiece over to Hwan and banded it behind her ears before undoing the cuffs which he intended to return to the kind unconscious night watchman._

_Comedy gave Dr. Hwan a few minutes to breathe the gas and let it take effect, removing it only when he was absolutely positive that she would be incapable of coherent speech for the next four hours. By the time he had banished the cuffs and nitrous oxide tank back to his realm, the doctor's head was lolling around her shoulders, trying to raise upright and failing miserably. Her short, bouncy hair made her look like she had just woken up. The best she had managed so far was a move like slow-motion whiplash. _

_Seeing this, he decided that it would be best if she didn't try that again. As a Comedy god, he set very strict regulations for himself, one of which being that he would never allow someone to die as a result of his actions. On other words, whenever someone **did** die as a result of his actions, he denied all involvement._

_He removed her glasses and set them on the desk, then removed her from the chair and placed her on the floor, where she was least likely to break her own neck._

"_Now what should I do?" The looming presence of the generator caught his attention, and the flames in his eyes flickered in recognition. "Well look at the obvious giant sinister object sitting in the center of the laboratory," he muttered dryly, somewhat disappointed with everybody's lack of imagination. "You'd think they could have at least hidden it in a dark, secret lair. Any cliché is better than squat diddly."_

_But this minor letdown was no reason for him to get sidetracked—he had to lie low for now and wait for Chitsujo and Higeki to return. If he was lucky, Order or the crazy guy would let slip some way to free Ákùmu._

"_Hang tight, Uncle Akhlys!" he whispered to the machine before going invisible and receding into the shadows once more._

_Hwan gurgled and giggled at the pink elephants, her arm flopping in a senseless wave. She was **not** going to be happy once the drugs wore off._

**(Final Preparations for Departure)**

"Pack more food!"

"Shut up…"

"Hakkai, where's the teriyaki sauce?"

"Silence, monkey!"

"All the sauces and spices are over by the pots and pans."

"Hey, stupid cockroach, I put those dumplings in **my **pile!"

"I don't see your name on it."

"I **said** shut up!"

"_Right there_! I wrote my name _right there_!"

"I'm going to kill you all…"

"You call that **writing**? That's gibberish! Those aren't even words!"

"Now, please, let's not be so rude."

"Bastard, you take that back!"

"**_I SAID SHUT UP!_**"

Sanzo, who had been sitting relatively peacefully at the table with a beer, a cigarette, and a periodical, _exploded_ into action, leaping up onto his chair with one foot on the seat and one on the back, balancing it on the two rear legs and aiming the gun threateningly at the cowering duo beneath.

"If I have to listen to **one more second** of your inane bickering I'm going to beat you both to death and feed your bodies to the Stray!" he practically screamed. His other hand pointed at me on the opposite end of the table.

One of my eyes twitched, and Konran chuckled behind his fist at my expense. "Cannibalism, eh? I knew you were clinically insane, but criminally insane ended at age nine, didn't it?"

"Watch your back, ass-hat," I groused, restraining my temper for now. "I'll happily cut you up and eat your liver."

"I'm immortal. I can't die."

I let go of an evil little giggle and turned to him sitting two seats down with a dangerous smirk. "I didn't say you'd be dead when I did it."

Goku, Gojyo, and Sanzo all went silent and were suddenly back to whatever they had been doing before the monk's temper had snapped. Cannibalism was one thing, but one would prefer the sentient meal to be dead at the time of consumption. Pansies…

But whatever. I had bigger fish to fry…or people…did fried people taste like chicken? Flashbacks of that movie _Alive_ zipped through my head, but nothing in my repertoire of cinematic recollections hinted at it. I made a mental note to watch the movie again whenever I returned to my world.

"Hey, Kougaiji?" I called over to the restless prince, who was clearly anxious to get on with their obscure plan. He halted in mid-step between his group's bag of supplies and his sister as she headed back into the kitchen to scrounge up whatever food hadn't already been hijacked by the monkey and the kappa.

"What is it?" he replied, trying not to sound too impatient.

"So, just to recap, we five get the cramped Jeep, and you _four_ get to ride _two_ cool dragons…and the socially inept deity over yonder gets to hang out all by his lonesome, correct?"

Sharp lavender eyes blinked slowly, separating the insults from the actual questions, and at length he murmured slowly in reply, "Well, yes. How else did you suppose we would do this?"

"Clearly, you suck at math worse than the pissy priest." I stated _my_ version of the battle plan in all seriousness. "Me, Goku, Lirin, and Hakkai get the Jeep. The rest of y'alls fend for yourselves in the untamed wilderness of Togenkyo, of course. Naturally, Konran will remain alone and unloved for the rest of eternity."

"Hey!"

Kougaiji glanced at the disgruntled god, then back at me, and sighed. "That's ridiculous. You three would drive Hakkai out of his mind."

"I dunno. That guy's got quite the tolerance."

"Eh-heh-heh…Is it really necessary to talk about me as if I'm not here?"

Yaone intervened before the prince could add anything further, "It sounds like an interesting idea, but the plan we've formulated wouldn't work any other way. Besides, I'm supposed to be in charge of Lady Lirin, and I can't do that if she's so far from me."

"Gah! Thwarted by the babysitter, Goku!"

"Crap!"

"Yeah, I know. Looks like we'll have to wait on Twister." I gave Yaone the disappointed pout she deserved, but already she was distracted by Kougaiji's request for help with the checklist. Dokugakuji was off preparing the two dragons for our (their) morning departure. Lirin was with him, perhaps bringing about the end of the world via hyperactive, unrealistically egomaniacal revenge plots against the ones who threatened her realm.

Much to my annoyance, Konran had awakened sometime around four and formed a temporary impromptu cabal while I had been on the roof with Lirin and Goku seeing the sights, resulting in my exclusion from all mysterious planning sessions. This irritation was a natural byproduct of being brushed aside like an insect (namely, the detested mosquito), but I stored it away regardless, intent on allowing it to fester inside as a mental illness, to be used in the future whenever the god decided to break the last straw.

In other words, I had no idea what they all had planned, but I was fairly certain that I was going to blame Konran for everything that went wrong. Life was simpler with a stool pigeon.

"Umm, Sanzo?" Goku murmured sheepishly, slowly edging beside his master with wide, uncertain eyes.

"What." It wasn't even replied as an inquiry, so much as a vector to convey the underlying threat of bodily injury for interrupting his peace.

"Well…didja find out what's actually happenin'? I mean, what's Chitsujo gonna do to wake up Gyumaoh? An' why's the plan so secret?" He asked in earnest, and I listened closely, wondering if the monk would ever actually give up a straight answer.

He took his time turning the page, making plenty of noise with the crinkly newsprint—or maybe rice paper? I hadn't examined his reading material yet—and took another long, deep drag of his precious cigarette. Three minutes after that, he replied, "We know enough to make a move. You'll have to ask Konran if you want specifics." And just like that, the shortest conversation I had ever seen was over.

Not one to be easily deterred from his intent, Goku promptly turned his attention to the god, who frowned slightly and gave him a sidelong arch of a brow. "What are you looking at?"

"Do you even know what your sister's got planned or are you just draggin' us around to help you beat her?" he responded guilelessly. Even the Kou Crew (easier to spell than the Kougaiji Gang, and much more euphonious) hesitated in their movements to stare at the forthright monkey.

Konran's frown deepened, but the arch was gone and replaced by a widening of the eyes. "Both, but for different reasons than what you think. I know what she plans, and I need your help to stop her. Yet it is not for my own personal gain, but to clean up this mess I've caused. I've already told you that I'm not evil."

I snorted in interruption, "So says the creep who keeps appearing in my bed while I'm asleep. Uninvited, might I add. I don't believe you."

"It's my bed, too!" he defended instantly.

"Pervert," was my only response to that statement.

Luckily for Konran, Hakkai tactfully interrupted, "Regardless of Konran's intent, It's obvious that Chitsujo has grim plans for our world, and being the only ones who have any idea as to what's going on, it's our responsibility to do something about it. We can argue over Konran's virtue another time…though I do find it distasteful that he keeps invading Lydia's bed." He smiled, and was completely reasonable throughout, but for that last bit he gave the god a dangerous look bordering on the psychotic—and I know psychotic.

Chaos seemed visibly shaken, and conveniently excused himself to go to the roof and have a look around the perimeter of the castle to "ascertain that there was still no motion in the West". He did this a lot, especially whenever Hakkai looked at him like that.

Now that he was out of the way, I turned to Sanzo.

"How come you guys are keeping the plan from us? Did he tell you what Chitsujo was doing? This morning, before I came down for breakfast, he mentioned that he sensed something was up."

He frowned over the top of the business section and replied more than a little gruffly, "Because apparently you're not allowed to know. Very simple. He did say a few things about his sister, but I'm not telling you anything. Go ask him. He's _your_ guardian, after all."

"**_Guardian?_** Have you lost your marbles? The day I start answering to that arrogant bastard is the day Tartarus burns and pigs obtain jet-propulsion. Now gimme answers!"

"No."

"Dammit! Hakkai, talk some sense into him! Are you guys gonna try and kill me off? Is that it? And how the crap are we gonna get all the way to Houtou Castle? I mean, holy hell, it's taken you guys a year so far and you're barely halfway there!"

Hakkai looked up from feeding Hakuryu and blinked at me in what _appeared_ to be surprise—or maybe condescension. (_Both, actually_, whispered my brain.) "We're not going to Houtou Castle. That's much too far. Lucky for us, Chitsujo is bringing her plan near enough to reach within a day or so."

Ah-**_HA!_** "So it's not something in the castle? What is it? Is it food?"

"Why the hell would it be food?" demanded Gojyo, poking his head above the table and staring at me in shock. "You've been spending too much time bonding with the monkey."

I shrugged. "Maybe she wants to poison us? And just because I like food doesn't mean I'm infected with Goku's Bottomless Pit Syndrome. It just means I'm deluding myself with the thought that maybe it will be something as easy to deal with as a plate of blueberry cheesecake bait sitting in the middle of an empty desert wasteland. Weirdo."

"Crazy woman…" He sweatdropped, but ducked down and made it go away before I could leap over the table and tackle it from him…meany.

"Speaking of cheesecake, did the resident social reject mention anything concerning Yumoa's whereabouts?" I asked everyone. "He did kind of leave without any sort of thorough explanation."

"What does that have to do with cheesecake?" Hakkai queried.

"It alludes to his sporadic nature."

"Oh…no, there was nothing about him in our planning. Konran seems to think that he can take care of himself, and chances are, he knows more about this than anybody." He fell into a musing silence as he stood to take the empty dish of roasted meat—Hakuryu's dinner—to the kitchen-slash-war room. The tiny dragon followed faithfully, chirping and fluttering right behind his master.

I was beginning to get the feeling that I'd obtain nothing useful from anybody.

"It's like the freaking CIA in here," I muttered to myself. I couldn't wait to get moving.

_**(Houtou Castle—Resurrection Chamber)**_

_Professor Ni had just finished explaining the resurrection method to Higeki and Chitsujo when one of his remote sensors picked up a disturbance in the lab. More specifically, it was the remote sensor that kept track of Dr. Hwan's every move, as well as her vital signs._

_Either the Doctor had taken up opium or something had happened, but her life itself didn't seem to be at risk, so he patiently listened to Chitsujo and Higeki for their input of what was going to happen with the demon lord._

"_Leave all this equipment as it is," instructed the Goddess of Order, indicating the immense presence of Gyumaoh himself. "You designed it well to channel the energies into his dormant state, and once the generator begins emitting the chi waves, it will take approximately eighteen hours to go to completion—possibly less, seeing as how the reaction chamber is conducting the power much more efficiently than originally predicted."_

"_Hmm…and so now all we have to do is bring it out there. Hwan should be done with the diagnostics testing by now. Shall we go make arrangements for transport?"_

_Higeki's dark electric blue eyes focused up on him and seemed to see straight through to his inner thoughts, but his poker face remained pleasantly scheming. He was Lady Koushu's favorite, a genius, and a veritable ghost to the outside world. He was the safest human in Togenkyo. _

"_Remain cautious, Ni," murmured the little Goddess with a warning glint in her fathomless gaze. "The power within that generator is beyond anything you have ever seen, and without proper precautions it could easily destroy this entire land."_

_Order gave her a severe look. "The child is beyond the realm of consciousness, Higeki. Until we activate the second phase, the generator is perfectly safe."_

_Higeki was unperturbed. "I would still prefer that all precautions are taken anyway."_

"_Oh, I think I can handle it. I don't intend to be the one who gets swallowed up." An enigmatic smirk quirked the edge of his mouth and tipped his cigarette up, the glowing tip sending wispy, evanescent threads of smoke into the air. "Shall we go back to the lab and prepare the generator now?"_

**_(Ni Jianyi's Laboratory)_**

_Yumoa hated waiting. He couldn't do anything yet, not even play with his Gameboy SP, without jeopardizing his mission. As interesting as the generator was, he couldn't get in, and knew also that even if he could, chances were that Akhlys would try to kill him…or worse. Uncle Akhlys was the only god who wasn't immortal in the usual sense. In other words, he could die of injury or old age just as any other human could, but was always reincarnated with the same memories. He was one of the original gods, brother of the long-gone parents of Konran and Yumoa, but for very good reasons, he was normally kept in solitary confinement, where his immense abilities over the dead could be contained in the depths of Tartarus._

_But now the game was different. Chitsujo had freed him from the cell and was now using him as her power source. Time was of the essence, and it was only good fortune that saved them all from the horrors of his abilities. As an infant, his powers could be controlled by outside forces, rather than by the god himself, but the level of release was entirely up to him. This was the reason for the massive power coil apparatus. Without it, they had no way to manage the flow._

_He sighed, utterly bored, and while shifted out of the visual realm, he perched atop a file cabinet beside Konran's pet raven. It gave him and Bob a perturbed look, then sidestepped a couple of paces away._

"_Just because you can see me doesn't mean you have to be so cruel, Rhad," muttered the lackluster comedy god. "Kon will come back for you once Lydia's safe."_

_The bird grumpily ruffled his feathers, and would have made a smart-aleck reply, but it was then that the door opened and drew both their attentions to the Professor, Higeki, and Chitsujo as they entered the lab, flooding the room with the hallway light and illuminating the semi-conscious Doctor on the floor. All three halted and stared at Hwan._

"_My, someone has been busy while we were away," snickered Ni, somehow catching the glare of a light coming from the hall with his lenses—the absolute opposite direction necessary, according to the common understanding of light, to create a glare. _

_Yumoa raised a dubious brow. Physics certainly favored the dramatic in this realm—that was for certain. No wonder he found it so easy to teleport all over the place without getting tired._

"_She is alive and conscious," Order observed with robotic emptiness, stepping over to the prone figure and scanning for any signs of foul play. There were none **visible**, but she detected the faintest scent of nitrous oxide. "Someone has drugged her. Ni?"_

_The Professor wore a jaded expression. "It wasn't me, if that's what you're wondering…it seems that we have an intruder in our midst." As though this weren't much of an emergency, he seated himself at the now-vacant computer monitor where Hwan had been compiling the data collected over the course of this endeavor. Plus, the Knights had returned at last, and had brought along with them all the data he needed on that strange girl Konran liked so much._

_Chitsujo also felt it was prudent to move on with the preparations. Once certain that Hwan would be fine within a few hours—she was, after all, one of only two people in this realm capable of understanding the complex biophysics utilized by the generator—she looked around the lab itself. After several moments, her gaze landed on Rhadamanthus, Konran's pet raven and keeper of thought. Because of the bird's stern and uncompromising personality, he had been named after the Underworld Judge of the same appellation. And because he was Konran's pet, Chitsujo was incapable of harming him. Lucky bird._

"_Where is he?" she said flatly to the dark fowl._

_Rhad merely shot her a cold glare and took off into the air, zipping out through a wall while absolutely nobody reacted in a manner befitting such a bizarre occurrence._

_Yumoa silently thanked the bird for not revealing his position, and listened in as Chitsujo dismissed the threat and reviewed all the procedures for activating the generator, before giving the command to have it sent out immediately and set up in the preordained destination._

_Once it had gone, and the Doctor had been sent to a doctor of different sorts—much to Yumoa's endless amusement—the Comedy god remained in the humming, deserted lab and pondered hard on what to do about this latest dilemma. First, however, he would have to get his sister away from these crazy people and back to the other crazy people. He trusted Sanzo and Kougaiji to make the right choices in a situation like this, whereas Higeki would simply ride it out and do as she was told. She wasn't safe with the Professor and Chitsujo._

_Meanwhile, at the same time, Chitsujo pondered silently on how to get rid of Yumoa once and for all… _

…_Ni pondered boastfully on how to destroy the Sanzo-ikkou in the most entertaining way once and for all… _

…_Higeki pondered on what to have for dinner…um, once and for all… _

…_and Rhadamanthus pondered on how to remove Konran's head once he found his pet-abandoning master. (A/N: Screw it. I need an MD.)_

_And far, **far**, **FAR** away, Lydia was asleep…quite possibly the only one not pondering anything whatsoever. _

_**(Author's Note)**_

_Do you hear it? That's the sound of my frazzled, writers' blocked, constipated brain turning into something the consistency of warm Jell-O…it sloshes around in my cranium whenever I get like this. Up next…or at least SOON: Army of Darkness! Long live Jambi! I LOVE REVIEWS. FEEED MEEE CHOCOLATE! Sorry this took forever to post…my longest hiatus EVER. I'm so ashamed!_

—_Cyh Scævola, the Chaos Theoryst OUT_


	26. Sense: Sans Sensibility

**The Irony Gods: Chapter 26**

………………………………………………………………………

_**(Author's Note)**_

_Hnn…after this chapter, I dunno when my next update's gonna be. It's a long one, so be happy! And there's a little contest at the end. I'll be starting my official college career after this. To think I'm eighteen now, with the responsibilities of an adult… Screw it. I'll be seventy-five and still listening to ICP and techno and the Ghost in the Shell OSTs, watching Saiyuki and Hellsing, and reading Death Note and Bleach and Angel Sanctuary and Fight Club… Sweet sanity, I don't wanna grow up! I'm STILL a Toys-R-Us kid!_

**_Dedicated to the mutated candy corn and the Siamese mellowcreme pumpkin twins sitting on my alarm clock._**

_**Quote(s) of the Day:** "There is no end for that which is continually beginnded."—Robot Chicken, Adult Swim_

"_If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable."—BumperSticker_

………………………………………………………………………

_**Sense: Sans Sensibility**_

I was dreaming a happy dream. I was in class again, watching my DVD and thoroughly enjoying the antics of my favorite angry chihuahua/stupid cat duo. "Happy, Happy; Joy, Joy" was on, and Ren was about to bash his own head in with a hammer to get the invention off, wearing the sadistic grin I loved so much and laughing the psychotic maniacal laugh I cherished like a diamond.

John was knocking at the window, begging Mr. Wood to allow him in, and the teacher was pointedly ignoring him while he checked the NFL website to find out how his choice teams were doing in the playoffs. Adam was laughing along and scratching at that thing on his neck, probably half-wondering whether or not those aliens would be back to reclaim his brain. Katt was off to one side, scribbling things into her notebook.

I ask Wood if I can put a death date on that biography I have to write on Ross Perot—who isn't dead, by the way.

"What? No!" He is shocked, for some unfathomable reason.

"Why not?"

"What if you're right and he dies on that day? You'd feel terrible!"

I correct him with utter conviction. "No, I'd feel _powerful_."

………………………………………………………………………

"Gyargh! Get out of my head!" I jerked out of the tangled bed sheets and ended up facedown on a hard marble floor…

…at the feet of the god of Chaos.

"I thought that would wake you up," Konran muttered, frowning down at me from six feet above. Dammit, he was so freaking tall. I hated him, mocking my shortness like a mockingly tall freekazoid.

I missed that show.

"I hope rabid radioactive Rhesus monkeys violate you in your sleep," I growled.

He snorted, "Oh, spare me. It certainly says something of your skewed sense of reality when _happy_ dreams are what have you wake screaming. Plan D was to kick you in the head until you finally got up."

"Better than invading my dreams!" I shrieked, leaping to my feet and glaring up at him—before pausing in uncertainty. "Hold on…plan **_D_**? What were A, B, and C?"

He counted them off on one slender musicians' hand, wearing a bemused frown. "Let's see—first I yelled at you, but you just rolled over and buried yourself in about five feet of blankets; then I poured a pail of water on the pile of blankets, but they were too thick to soak through completely; and so I tried a little bit of mind probing, which worked quite nicely." The frown turned into a smirk and poked at my frayed nerves.

"Have you not heard of alarm clocks! Or cymbals! Or **_COFFEE!_**" I gritted my teeth and clenched my fists, fighting off the urge to fish Ryushi out of the sodden blankets and take satisfaction from feeling the blade pierce his cranial cavity.

"You seem lively enough. Get dressed and come downstairs with all of your things; we depart in an hour."

And then he was gone, like yet another of my hallucinations. I was going to give him a swift kick to the face the next time I saw him…

…and after I had changed into a comfortable pair of jeans and my JtHM T-shirt, collected my sword and sweatdrop bag from the vicinity of the bed, slung my indestructible leather coat over one shoulder, and entered the kitchen-slash-war room, I did just that.

"Argh! What was that for!" he cried, dodging a second blow aimed for more sensitive areas than his face.

"Feistier than usual this morning, I see," commented Gojyo, casually leaning against a stone pillar with the stub of a cigarette caught in his wry smile. "What sneaky things were you doing _this_ time, Konran?"

"I didn't do anything!" defended the god, rebutting Gojyo's little remark.

"RRRGHHHH! CHOKE ON YOUR LIES!" I attacked again, hopping onto the granite countertop and springing at him with sword in hand this time.

But instead of the anger management therapy I so desperately needed after being woken up at **_SIX FREAKING A.M._**, I received a heel to the small of my back, which immediately halted me in mid-leap and slammed me to the ground. I yelped like an injured animal and rolled over with a pained grimace, only to find myself under the irritated scrutiny of a pair of smoldering amethysts.

"Is it too much to ask for some goddamned **_silence!_**" Sanzo seethed. He had the fan in one hand, the periodical tucked under the opposite arm while he held a cup of coffee, and wore his reading glasses. Clearly, I had interrupted his morning revelry. He was still in the leather getup. He actually looked like he had just gotten up.

I chose not to point out to him that we were supposed to be leaving within the hour.

I would find no sympathy from Captain Corrupt, so I scanned the motley crew about me and picked Goku out of the group. "Yo, Goku, next time I'm sharing a room with you. No more Konran. Konran can find a nice cardboard shoebox to sleep in, like a good little rat." My eye twitched in the god's direction, and his own narrowed at the challenge.

"I don't think so!" he griped past the dribbling blood of his nose. I hoped to all sanity that it was broken.

"You should have not thought so _before_ you invaded my privacy in the worst possible way. Now I can't even seek refuge in my inner thoughts, you bastard." Ignoring the protesting ache of my spinal column—which, ironically, was the same place Sanzo had kicked me twice before—I stood and trudged over to a tray of rice dumplings. I wanted sugar and caffeine. There was nothing more on my mind at this time of morning, especially since for the majority of my natural life, I had never even known that six A.M. existed.

"There's coffee in the pitcher over there," Hakkai pointed out helpfully, still working diligently at the oven to finish the teriyaki beef jerky he had prepared the other day under cover of darkness. He had to hide just about all food operations from the monkey, or we would surely run out of provisions in the middle of this mission and starve to death. Yet for some freakish reason, he wasn't bothered at all by it.

This only strengthened my resolve to be nice to Hakkai. The ones who smile all the time are the ones most likely to snap and go on a killing spree—which was why I reveled in my anger as often as possible. In a twisted way, it kept me sane…

Mocha, mocha, mocha, mocha…oh, sweet succulent beverage possessed of the two things I need to live, how I love thee! Now, granted, I preferred the Dew, but that was a luxury unavailable at every turn in this world, quite the opposite of my own.

"You make the world's best coffee, Hakkai," I sighed, breathing the chocolaty aroma before gulping down a mouthful as a chaser to an entire dumpling. "And excellent mocha."

"I just do what needs to be done to keep everyone calm," he laughed amicably, taking out the last tray of dried meat and sliding it onto a length of Saran wrap. What was Saran wrap doing in Togenkyo?

_I thought I told you to stop questioning things_, my brain sighed.

"You think a lot of useless crap," I muttered back under my breath.

Hakkai blinked. "What was that?"

"Just my brain trying to sabotage what meager sanity I have left." I put on my brave face and gave him a casual salute. "As you were, soldier." And then I walked away—but not before snatching up his sweatdrop. "Hey, where's Lirin?" I asked, scanning the stone room and finding no one but the Sanzo gang. Where had the Kou crew gone?

"They left an hour ago," muttered the priest, who sat upon a tall stool at the counter, reading and smoking and drinking coffee.

I pulled up a second stool and sat at the corner nearer to Hakkai than the monk. Goku yawned and came over as well, taking a seat to my left. Gojyo seemed to really like that wall. I suspected he was practicing his come-hither stare, and disregarded him accordingly. All that mental scarring was unnecessary.

"Damn, izzit gonna take a long time ta get there?" mumbled the monkey, looking half-ready to fall back asleep. Apparently, he had already eaten everything he could take. At least he was dressed to go, which was more than could be said for the monk.

"A day or so, at most," responded the kindly former human-now youkai. Hakuryu is resting, though. I checked outside when I got up, and the weather looks promisingly clear, but we're still in a desert region, and he needs all the strength he can gather to tackle this kind of heat. It's too bad there aren't any bottles to bring water."

Like the pretentious ass-hat he was, Konran scoffed, "No bottles? There are plenty if you just ask. Look in that cabinet over there, and you'll find several gallon jugs."

"Shut your irritating pie-hole," I snapped, taking another swig of mocha.

He frowned and gave me a look that was borderline injured. "I made that drink, you know, not Hakkai."

I stared at the mug of mocha, then back at him with narrowed eyes. "Dammit…now I can't drink it. It's got your _plague_."

The frown turned sour. "Lydia, shut up for once in your life. I've gone out of my way since my disintegration to make things easier for you, and I also sacrificed quite a lot of power to bring you back to health. I am sorry for the things I've done to you, and forgiveness is entirely your decision, but at the very least, could you just stop with the constant condemnations?"

I took another gulp of mocha—that was all he would get from me—and glared vengefully across the counter. "Condemnations? Not. Proclamations of truth? Yes, they are."

"Stop lying to yourself."

"You're the liar!" I shot back. "You're manipulative and uncouth and presumptuous and pedantic and annoying!"

"I'm also possessed of every trait you've ever found attractive in a man," he quipped caustically. "Ever wonder why that is?"

"Gah…buh…**_SHUT UP!_**" _Crap! Lydia, you idiot! Come up with something better! Quickly! Now!_ "I don't remember feeling the least bit attracted to Quasimodo!" I cried triumphantly. "Sanzo, we leave NOW."

"Don't drag me into your little masochistic love affair," muttered the priest, downing the last of his coffee and standing abruptly. Before I could make a half-witty reply, he was gone up the stairs to do what he did to prepare for departure.

"Ooh, no support there," murmured Konran, smirking ever so teasingly.

I rounded on him in a rage. "One more sick remark as such and I'll personally remove your tongue and internal organs with a ladle! Then I'll pour gas on you and light you on fire! And since you'll live through all of that, I'll set a pack of rabid hyenas on you and have them eat your face!"

"The lady doth protest too much, methinks."

That twisted, conniving fiend. "How dare you use Shakespeare against me!"

A heavy sigh from behind alerted me to Gojyo, and as I turned to glare at him he shrugged away from the wall and ambled over, seating himself firmly between Konran and me.

"_Mihi ignosce…_" Konran said slowly, eyeing the half-breed suspiciously.

"Speak Chinese," he responded easily, throwing an amused wink my way. "It's annoying when people are speaking languages that I don't understand." Chinese…dammit, I still thought it was all English.

"It's also annoying when outsiders butt into the conversations of others." My, he wore a poisonous glare. "Kindly remove yourself while I speak with my equivalent."

"Speak?" Gojyo drawled out lackadaisically. "Seems more like harassment to me. That's no way to treat a lady."

The god seemed suddenly confused. "Lady? Beg pardon, but she's barely old enough to drive. She doesn't even have a license, and she's never even been out on a date. She's as dysfunctional as they come. She's not ladylike in the least."

The kappa had me physically restrained while I attempted to launch myself over his head and attack the deserving deity. "Stalker! Perv! FREAK!" I shouted in accusation, struggling against Gojyo's bizarrely strong grip on my arms. He _looked_ lanky, but damn! He was strong.

"I rest my case," Konran nodded.

"Weird, _I'm_ used to being the one getting called a perv," Gojyo muttered, laughing at his own little humor.

"Yeah, you are, but you're not a god with the ability to watch girls when they're alone in their rooms and—OH MY GOD, HAS HE BEEN WATCHING ME IN THE SHOWER!" I stopped struggling so suddenly that Gojyo let go and I fell bodily onto the countertop, jarring my chin against the hard stone and wincing at the pain. Slowly, I slid back into my seat and rubbed the new injury, all the while glaring at the offending god.

He held up his index finger as though he were about to proclaim the question to "42." "Firstly, give me a little more credit than that. I'm not some sadistic version of Santa Claus come to keep tabs on you. My only transgression is watching you while you're out and about. At home, you're invisible. I'm the god of Chaos, and perhaps the only person in all the dimensions who knows you better than you know yourself, but I'm no voyeur."

"That's creepy, you creepy bastard," I muttered under my breath. "Probably a lie, too."

"Shut up. _SECONDLY_, you have no sense of humor, I swear." He actually had the gall to shake his head and sigh in disdain.

_I have a sense of humor!_ shrieked my brain. _Gyahahahahah? See! I **can** laugh! Kill the vermin!_

He gave me one of those weird looks. "Tell your brain to shut up, too."

Gojyo's head snapped around. "Wait, you can hear her brain talking? She wasn't lying?"

"I don't lie!" I defended.

"And **_lastly_**," interrupted Konran before I said anything further, "Sanzo's back; let's go."

And just like that, he left his seat to go murmur a few things to the monk, before dissipating like so much Halloween confetti.

"You're right: he's a creepy bastard," acknowledged Gojyo, sweatdropping.

I stared at it…and he noticed…and with a defeated sigh, he plucked it off his own head and handed it over. "I give up…"

………………………………………………………………………

**_(Houtou Castle…Yet Again.)_**

"_Hey, Kou, do you really think Konran's plan will work?" Dokugakuji walked quietly beside the prince as they wound through the secret stone passage which Lirin had told them led straight to their quarters. "I mean, okay, so he's a god, but I don't know…"_

"_It has to work," Kougaiji muttered half-distractedly, searching for the crack in the wall where a stone receded and opened the hidden doorway. "If we can get everything right, his plan is entirely possible, and I've been studying for long enough to understand what he needs me to do."_

"_I know **you're** more than ready for this, but how much does **he** know about it?"_

"_He had better know either as much as or more than I do, or none of this is going to come together the way we need it to." The prince didn't want to even think about the overall consequences of any ignorance of Konran's part. "Anyway, here's the crack Lirin told us to find." His keen youkai senses caught the scent of fresh air leaking in through the tiny gap between the stones._

"_I wonder why she was laughing so hard when she told us," mused Dokugaku._

_Kougaiji crouched low to trace the edge of the slightly jutting block of iron-gray granite, testing the edges to see how loose it was. "Who knows? Hakkai probably let her have some of the extra mocha drink that Konran made for Lydia. It's got coffee in it, and we all know that caffeine is the **last** thing Lirin needs…okay, it's loose. Try to kick it in." Dropping the subject, he stood back and let the swordsman deliver a rather impressive kick to the jutting stone, depressing it and causing an unhappy groan to echo up the wall._

"_Whoa, get back, Skinny," Dokugaku held an arm out and shielded Kougaiji from the tiny stones and clouds of dust billowing from the shuddering wall._

_And then they were swallowed up by the trap door directly beneath their feet. It shut tightly and the walls stopped moving in an instant, lending no clue as to what had transpired only moments before._

_One minute hence, a confused and crestfallen Yumoa tiptoed through that same hall. "Hmm? I could have sworn I heard Kou and Doku down here…shoot. Must've missed 'em." He then trudged off, muttering to his borg bunny in lonely frustration._

………………………………………………………………………

**(On the Road…Again—Doo deet doo deet doo doo On the Road Again…) **

"Hakkai, please, I'm not kidding," I said for maybe the twelfth time in just as many minutes. "It's creepy. You can end my discomfort with a word."

"Yeah, man, it's kinda creeping me out, too," muttered Gojyo, casting a circumspect glance askance toward the back of the jeep.

"I'm sorry, but it would be rude, and considering how healthy you are, Lydia, I don't think we have the right to do what you're asking." Hakkai was far too diplomatic and rational for my tastes. Though, of course, I preferred this diplomacy over his inner psychopath.

"Fine, then I'll do it!" I announced, turning resolutely and glaring at the smug, smirking Chaos god sitting comfortably atop the spare tire, as though mocking seat belt ads everywhere. "You! Ass-hat! Get the hell down from there and find yourself a normal seat, preferably on a rock somewhere on the other side of the planet, like Canada or something."

"No, I rather like it up here, thank you."

"I hope Eris flies down and spanks you, you wretched excuse for a son."

His smirk vanished, and he gaped in what appeared to be shock. "You can't talk about my mother!"

"I just did. It's nothing against her. You're just an ass-hat. She can't be blamed for your shortcomings."

He looked so offended that it was a wonder that he didn't fall off his seat, but somehow the tire clung tenaciously to his buttocks…or, perhaps, the other way around. I could never tell, considering the off-kilter laws of physics in this realm.

With a final begrudging leer my way, he turned around and hunched his shoulders, giving us his back and refusing to look behind him again. It sort of reminded me of Yumoa. It was no surprise that they were related.

"Fucking pansy," I thought I heard Sanzo mutter under his breath, searching his robe extensively for a lighter. Finding none, he turned to Gojyo and shot him a dangerous glare. "Give me your lighter."

"Can't you ask like a normal human being!" the cockroach shot back instantly, his own cigarette hanging on for dear life as he shouted.

"Hand over the goddamn lighter or I'll ice your ass where you sit," the monk replied tightly, the gun appearing in his hand as if by magic, aimed between the kappa's eyes. Clearly, eight hours straight of driving did not agree with him, and if Hakkai's cheery disposition was any indication, relief would be a long time coming.

I bunkered down for twelve more hours of PMS atmosphere, fishing out a piece of jerky and splitting it up between Goku, Gojyo, and myself—after the redhead relinquished the lighter, of course.

Guns are excellent motivation, but I prefer the more personal use of pointy objects.

"Don't I get any jerky?"

The three of us blinked and turned around simultaneously to frown in curiosity at Konran, who was facing front once more, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees and his hands gripping the edge of the jeep behind us.

_Actually_, my brain ventured slowly with the air of someone about to reveal some delicate information, _he's kind of cute with his hair all wind-blown. Like a puppy. Give the puppy some jerky._

I felt my face form into an expression of shock and disgust. "Holy crap, I've gone insane!" I cried, panicking and grabbing Gojyo by the lapels of his coat. I shook him once and repeated, "INSANE!"

"Gyaah! Let go! Hands off the merchandise!" He pried me off and pressed his back against the far end of the jeep. "That's not news, missy. You were nuts form the start, and that shit better not be contagious." He took a bite of jerky and kept a wary eye on me.

Shaking in consternation, I slowly turned and chanced a look at the god.

He was staring at me, looking insulted.

"H-hi, Kon!" I said in what I hoped sounded like a cheerful tone…though I was willing to bet that I sounded more like I was having a nervous breakdown.

"A puppy, eh?"

"Puppy?" Goku inquired curiously, the piece of jerky sticking halfway out his mouth while he gnawed on it in an attempt to make it small enough to swallow. Hakkai was a genius. Jerky lasted much longer than meatbuns…But that wasn't important right now.

"Puppy! YES! Puppies are AWESOME! You tell 'im, Goku!" I grabbed the monkey and switched seats with him in a frantic rush, nearly falling out of the jeep in the process.

Goku seemed kind of scared, but looked up at the god anyway and nodded. "Yeah, puppies're cool."

Konran stared blankly at the monkey for a brief moment, then looked at me, huddled around Ryushi as far away from him as I could get in the corner behind my Goku shield. "I'll be back in a little while," he sighed at last, sounding as though he had given up on something. He looked west, toward the direction we were headed, then slowly disintegrated into coal dust, trailing behind like ashes on the wind.

Once he was completely gone, I relaxed and grabbed another chunk of meat, chewing madly like a caffeinated gerbil.

"Gods suck," I muttered.

Sanzo shifted in his seat, and slid down a bit, ready for a nap to pass the time. "I agree," he said flatly before abandoning us to deal with things on our own.

Once Sanzo was asleep, he was not to be disturbed unless the apocalypse was upon us…or at least something of equal magnitude. Sometimes a clever driving maneuver on Hakkai's part was enough to shake the monk from the land of nod, but he was pretty resilient.

"What's up with him?" Goku asked, a question mark appearing above his head to label his confusion.

Gojyo chuckled, drawing both our stares, and ran a careless hand through his hair.

"And your input, mighty master, would be?" I queried, though I knew I wasn't going to like the answer.

"Yeah, what's so funny?" the monkey prodded.

He grinned. "The poor guy's just trying to catch a break, but his opponent's a tough nut to crack, that's what's so funny."

I frowned, seeing well where this was going. "You shut your face right now, or I'll personally remove it from your head, and we all know how vain you are, kappa."

He raised his hands harmlessly, but the grin wouldn't budge. "Sorry."

"Not nearly sorry enough."

"I can't help it that I'm so damned smart."

I snorted. "It must be nice to live in that dream world of yours."

That only made his grin widen, but luckily he kept his thoughts to himself this time. Good. Ruyshi's break would remain undisturbed.

But still, it pissed me off that the damn god could hear my stupid brain talking to me. I made a mental note to start carrying Q-tips wherever I went, just in case my thinking half decided to turn on me again.

………………………………………………………………………

_**Houtou Castle: The Tangent**_

"_Yaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"_

_For a long time they fell, plummeting like stones into the dark abyss, not knowing whether or not they would come out of this alive. There was nothing to see but blank and empty stone on all sides of the tube they had fallen into, though if there had been anything to see, they wouldn't have caught more than a smear of color or streak of light._

_But luckily for them, after approximately three minutes of falling—give or take an hour—they caught a break. Or, more specifically, a break caught them._

_**SPLOOSH!**_

_It was a deep, rippling pool of some unidentified liquid, thicker than water and thinner than syrup. Once he breached the surface after a rather long pencil dive, Kougaiji realized what it was and grabbed Dokugakuji by the arm to reassert his sanity._

"_Dokugaku!" he said quickly, gripping a bit harder than he would normally have intended with one clawed hand—though who could blame him considering the situation? "What did we just land in?"_

_The swordsman glanced around in the dim lighting cast by a pair of Tiki torches off to their right. "Uh, is this a test?"_

"_No, it's not a test! What the hell is this?"_

"_Well, it tastes like chocolate milk."_

_The prince frowned, seeing now that he **hadn't** gone mad like everyone else in this bizarre little adventure. He let go of his friend. "That's what I thought."_

"_So…"_

"_What?"_

_Dokugaku shrugged. "Well, what's next?"_

"_I see light over there. Whatever the hell is going on, I'd rather confront it where there's more light." What was Lirin thinking, telling them to take this path? And who on earth put a lake of chocolate milk smack in the middle of Houtou castle?_

"_Kou, I hate to say it, but I think Lirin's been doing a lot more than just chasing the Sanzo party whenever she disappears from the castle," Dokugaku muttered, starting toward shore with Kougaiji right beside him._

"_I think you're right. She has a lot of explaining to do when we see her again." Of all the stupid, time-wasting things that could **possibly** happen to them, this was probably more than just the last item on the list. This was worthy of Weekly World News alongside the "Gay Martian Landing" article._

"_I mean, it's almost like were trapped in some sick-minded person's fantasy, our every move dictated to the letter by forces beyond you or me."_

_Kougaiji froze in the water—er, chocolate milk—and stared at the swordsman. "Are you feeling all right? You're not acting like yourself."_

"_That's my point! I'm never this smart!" Dokugaku insisted earnestly. "I'm the tough, optimistic one! None of this makes sense! The wheels spin without our knowing, putting us into situations we have know idea how to handle."_

"_I think I've read a story like this before, but I can't remember what it was about, or what it was even called," murmured the prince, both of them returning to the task of swimming toward the light._

"_Do you remember what we were doing when Konran and his sister showed up?"_

_He shook his head. "No, do you?"_

"_Nope. Kind of weird, don't you think?"_

"_Yes, but these things happen," Kougaiji attempted to reason. "People forget what they were doing all the time, and then remember it later when it's not important anymore."_

_Dokugaku was the first to reach shore, and pulled himself up onto the wooden planks that marked the edge of the pool of chocolate milk. He then assisted Kougaiji in climbing out of the sweet, sticky liquid, both of them standing at the edge between the two Tiki torches for a few moments and staring down at the pool._

_Kou shook his head. "It's this place. The chocolate milk threw you off. It'll be better when we find a way out of here."_

"_I can't remember anything, Kou. I can't be sure of any of this. I mean, I remember things, but they're like implants. It's like they're fake. Nothing's real."_

"_Uncertainty is the normal state. You're nobody special. All we have to do is accept that we're in a strange situation and keep our wits about us. Lirin must have known this was here or she wouldn't have told us to look for that stone."_

"_How do you know? Maybe we picked the wrong stone. This castle was empty for five hundred years while your father was imprisoned and Gyokumen Koushu wasn't around. Anybody could have found the place and used it."_

_The thought wasn't comforting in the least, but it was a possibility. However, that wasn't as important as reaching their current goal. "It doesn't matter right now. Come on, let's go find an exit."_

_Dokugakuji nodded once in obeisance to his Prince and followed faithfully into the dim stone cave, which seemed the only exit from the cavern where the pool resided. They passed an open umbrella beside the entrance, lying on its side with an unlit lantern behind it, and took up the lantern and lit the oil wick with one of the Tiki torches._

"_Convenient," commented the swordsman, upon the lantern's ignition, which threw off enough light to illuminate their way through the cave._

"_Probably left by whoever built this place," suggested the Prince, trying to wipe off as much of the drying, sugary liquid which soaked him to the bone._

"_The umbrella's weird, though. Who would need an umbrella underground?"_

"_Questions only complicate things. Let's just get out of here and find that artifact the witch keeps locked up in her room."_

"_How do you think Konran knew about that?" Dokugaku wanted to keep some sort of conversation going to ward off the creepy, weird atmosphere of the place as they ventured further and further into the blank granite stone tunnel. Their shoes made hollow sounds against the planks of wood, which suggested that the pool of chocolate milk was fed or drained by a stream running fish-silent beneath them._

"_He's a god," Kougaiji replied diffidently, uncertain himself as to the real answer._

"_Did you know about it?"_

"_No, but I had heard rumors about it from some of her guards. It's so hard to get information from them, though, so I was never really confident in their answers. She has a death-grip on everyone but the four of us."_

"_We've got a bad time ahead of us, huh? It makes dealing with the scriptures seem easy and uneventful."_

"_I hate gods more and more every time we have to get involved with them," muttered Kougaiji, holding the lantern up and casting its glow onto the little cul-de-sac which marked what seemed to be a dead end. The gray, sparkling granite was seamless, carved and polished to a mirror finish._

"_This is the only exit in the cavern, right?"_

_The Prince merely nodded._

"_I can't wait until things go back to normal."_

_The Prince nodded once more, set the lantern down near the wall, and began the tedious task of searching for some clue as to how to get out. Damned irony gods. They were always finding some new and exciting way to screw everything up. He was beginning to see why Lydia spent so much of her free time cursing them._

**To Be Continued…**

………………………………………………………………………

**(_Author's Note)_**

_SPECIAL: If any of you can tell me what existential play I based that last bit with Kougaiji and Dokugakuji off of, you get to decide what happens in one of the tangents in The Sequel. The only clue you get is that the play itself was written as a sort of back story for two minor characters in one of Shakespeare's plays._

_Why chocolate milk? Because I am the master of this universe. Muahahahaha!_

—_Cyh Scævola, the Chaos Theoryst OUT_


	27. Hindrance: Gauntlets of the Mind

**The Irony Gods: Chapter 27**

_**(Author's Note)**_

_The OCs are mine, the story concept is mine, and everything else is Minekura's property. That's about it._

_I'm thinking that this story will be done either before or around chapter 35…that's not too long from now. Yes, I know how I want it to end, and thank Chewbaca that I do, because I'm itching to get The Sequel rollin'. That one's going to cross so many lines. Scruples can get so boring._

_**Quote(s) of the Day:** "A Chinaman of the T'ang dynasty—and, by which definition, a philosopher—dreamed he was a butterfly, and from that moment he was never quite sure that he was not a butterfly dreaming it was a Chinese philosopher. Envy him; in his two-fold security."—Guildenstern; Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead_

………………………………………………………………………

**_Hindrance: Gauntlets of the Mind_**

**_(Houtou Castle—Tangent Conclusion)_**

_Kougaiji slammed a frustrated fist into the unrelenting, polished stone and growled, before collapsing to his knees and leaning his forehead against the chilled surface._

"_Hey, don't worry, Kou," Dokugakuji reassured him for perhaps the fifteenth time. "We'll find a way. There's no way we'll lose to a wall."_

"_We've been here for three hours! This is ridiculous. Lirin's not going to be happy when I get my hands on her." He clenched one clawed hand tightly, letting the pain of his sharp nails digging into his palm ground him in reality._

"_Come on, like you could ever really get mad at her. We either picked the wrong rock, or we're not doing what she expected us to do."_

_How could he be so calm at a time like this? The young Prince took a deep breath, then loosened his hand and forced himself to his feet, resolving to maintain an optimistic point of view. This wasn't the time to lose face. They hadn't even retrieved the artifact yet._

_At least it wasn't hot in the little cul-de-sac, or their situation would have steadily worsened. The sticky, dried chocolate milk coating his trailing white vest and pants, and skin and hair was bad enough without heat to add to the discomfort. The fact that it was chocolate milk to begin with, however, **did** somewhat add a slight surreal edge to the whole incident._

_That, and the bright yellow umbrella beside the entrance to the corridor they had followed out of the pool chamber._

_Kougaiji paused, then turned to his friend with a peculiar, surprised expression. "Dokugaku, do you think that maybe the umbrella has some purpose here? Why else would someone put it next to the lantern?"_

"_Huh…I hadn't thought of that…"_

"_I'm going to go get it. It's stupid, but it's the only new idea I've had in the last hour."_

_The swordsman nodded once. "I'll come with. We only have one lantern, and it's half out of fuel."_

_Moments later, they returned with the closed umbrella in tow, both feeling a tad silly that their last resort was an umbrella. It was as if some half-insane Master of their Universe had selected the most random object imaginable and decided that it should serve a useful, unorthodox purpose._

_(MotU/N: MUAH! HAA! HAAAAA! …So very tired…)_

"_Now what?" ventured Dokugaku, glancing from the umbrella to Kougaiji intermittently._

"_Well…I guess we should try opening it."_

"_But I thought that was bad luck? Do we really need even more bad luck on this mission?"_

_The prince couldn't help but laugh a little, "I think that's the least of our worries, and if this works then that was the original intention of whoever built this place to begin with."_

_He realized the truth in that statement and managed a laugh of his own, "Then get it over with, Skinny."_

_And so Kougaiji opened the umbrella._

………………………………………………………………………

**(HAPPY FUN DRIVING TIME!)**

"I'm going to kill myself here in a few minutes if I don't get to pee soon," I stated flatly, popping between the two front seats and bearing the brunt of Sanzo's Paper Fan-o-Doom with stoic serenity.

It was a desert. Why the hell were there so many deserts in this damned world? What sick sociopath nut job had up and decided that China should be over eighty-percent desert wasteland? Why couldn't we end up in Outer Mongolia where we were guaranteed at least _some_ reprieve from the insufferable heat?

Suicide was looking prettier and prettier an option as time wore on.

"I'm afraid that there are no villages for at least a hundred miles," the youkai-murderer informed me.

"Do I sound like I care? Park the jeep and I'll dig a ditch if I have to! Just give my bladder its much-needed respite!"

"Well, I suppose we could stop at a sand dune…"

"Stop at a sand dune!" I begged. "Gimme an empty bottle! Just let me pee!"

Gojyo muffled a laugh behind his fist, but I caught it and turned to squint at him, sitting in his usual spot all relaxed and smirking, as though there was no fireball in the sky baking everything in its vengeful path. Somehow, Goku was dead to the world and managing an oblivious nap.

"Got something to say, roach-boy?"

He finally let it out, and started laughing uncontrollably as though the heat had finally fried every last grain of sense he might have once contained. "I've never known a girl so straightforward and blunt! It's a riot!"

Once his giggling died down I replied sweetly, "That's because you surround yourself with only the most superficial, prideful, brainless women this world can provide. One more snicker and you're just as much of an ass-hat as Konran."

He chuckled, "I think I can handle that."

"I'm going to slice you open with a butcher knife while you sleep."

He frowned. "Wait, you serious?"

I turned back to Hakkai, my last ray of hope. "I'm begging you! Please! Two and a half minutes is all I need!"

And then the jeep halted, and I narrowly managed not to fly past the seats and die like a bug on the wrong side of the windshield.

"Two and a half minutes," Sanzo said shortly, shooting me a no-nonsense glare. "And anybody else who needs a break, this is your only chance until we reach either the meeting point or a campsite!"

"Ooh, so generous," Gojyo muttered sarcastically, shutting up at the sharp _ka-chick_ of the banishing gun.

"Yay!" I leapt out of the jeep and sprinted off at top speed behind one of the nearest shimmering yellow sand dunes. False oases surrounded us at every point on the compass rose, but we weren't fool enough to fall for such a lame trick on Mommy Nature's part.

A minute later I was refastening my jeans and sighing with relief as I kicked sand over my toilet _pro tempore_, when I heard footsteps behind me.

Just as I turned to see if it was Gojyo being a pervert, a familiar, colorless hand with long tapered fingers clamped over my mouth while a familiar black-clad arm restrained the rest of me against the bastard's chest.

Damn my miniscule height to hell in a hand basket with a pretty pink ribbon and complementary daffodils.

"We need to talk," Konran said shortly into my ear, much too close for my sane half to tolerate.

_Hey, it's not so bad…_my brain murmured wistfully, like a car accident victim slipping into the darkness.

Where was a Q-tip when I needed one?

"You know, I wish you were as responsive as your brain. We might actually get along."

_GO TO HELL, YOU BASTARD!_ I shrieked past my mind.

He sighed, "You'll come around eventually. Probably when you're older and more receptive to advances from the opposite sex…"

_I hope you die. Do you have a freaking point to make or should I start cursing? I'm not one to use the big guns, but in your case and considering how it's not vocal, I'll make an exception!_

He was quiet for a moment, then I felt him shrug. "Well, I'll let go if you agree not to attack me—and may I add that I think it's positively ridiculous that I have to make that sort of request from my own equivalent?"

_Pick a different equivalent, then, if I'm such a pain in the ass, fruitcake_, I responded acidly, with absolutely no intention of letting him get away unscathed once I was free.

"No…I want you. No one else will suffice. No one else is strong enough to endure the madness I put you through. Actually, I blame myself for your intolerant nature."

_Damn straight, you should, you whack-job! I hope you get cancer._

I could practically feel him roll his eyes out of their sockets. "Lydia, I can't get cancer."

_Make your point now, or I start struggling all out. And when I struggle like that, I don't care who gets hurt, even if it's me._

"That's my girl."

I would have protested to that, but then he started talking.

"Lydia, I realize that I've been keeping you in the dark over our plan, and I've finally decided to let you know at least some of it. Kougaiji and I have an idea of how to banish my sister and the machine she has created permanently into a sort of holding dimension, where she won't be able to find any way out. The trouble is I need more power than what I have right now. Kougaiji is the strategist, and I provide the power, but in order to maintain the level required, I need _you_ to cooperate." He paused, as if to allow me room to input.

_You realize that this is all Greek to me, don't you? I mean, Latin's cool, but the Greek? Not so much._

He sighed again, more frustrated than before. "You have to let go! Stop holding in your anger and just let it out. When we get there, there will be a fight. A massive fight, due to the side-effects of the generator. During the fight, lose all thought and just _kill_."

_I do that every fight, genius._

"No, you don't. You struggle to maintain sanity and only use what you've learned through human experience. When we reach the destination, you have to fight with everything you possess inside of you. That's including everything which makes you an earthly equivalent. You have to forget humanity and start thinking about the power of the gods themselves."

_You're an idiot._

"Just listen to me!"

_Lalalalalalalalalalalala…_

He growled, then finally snapped, releasing me in a flash and spinning me to face his angry, glowing phthalo green eyes. "You listen to me, you uncooperative, infuriating little twit! This is not about you or me or how much you hate me for destroying your family! This is about saving this world and the people in it, and restoring the rightful balance to Natural Order! I don't give a damn about how you feel about me, but _I need you!_"

I blinked, sighed, then massaged my temples with both hands. "Ass-hat…" I muttered, before delivering a rather artful punch to his solar plexus. Once he was doubled over, gasping for breath and cursing, I patted his head and said with a smile, "Good puppy. I didn't say no. Please don't ever try to restrain me again. I hate being tied down."

And then I left him there.

………………………………………………………………………

**_(Houtou Castle—Yumoa)_**

"_Curses!" muttered a rather aggravated Comedy as he stared at the loose stone in the wall. It was the third time he had spotted it in as many hours, knowing that something was amiss, but incapable of figuring out just what the heck it was. Surely there was something he was missing entirely—which was not as rare an occurrence as he thought it to be. _

"_Hello? Hey! Anybody out there?" shouted a voice, muffled by several feet of solid granite._

_Yumoa frowned. "Shhhhh! I'm trying to figure something out here!"_

_He tapped the stone lightly with his food, trying his hardest to remember what it was that he had forgotten about this particular corridor. He could remember coming here with Lirin, showing her all the neat little toys he had in abundance and stashing them in—_

"_Eureka!" he burst out happily, kicking the stone as hard as he could._

_As before, the walls vibrated and bucked—like an underground thunderstorm, only heavier—threatening collapse before the trapdoor opened and the perky god plummeted into the damp darkness._

_Lucky for him, he could walk on water—it was a god thing._

…_Or rather, chocolate milk…he had some glitches with water, but chocolate milk seemed to do quite nicely. Probably due to the whole Comedy thing. Nothing about him was allowed to be normal, not even miraculous normal…so he had filled the lake with chocolate milk._

_Those poor cows…especially after the incident when he couldn't understand the difference between coca and cocoa, and ended up marrying one of the bovines. Konran had found it endlessly infuriating that the state of Maryland refused to annul the marriage. Technically, Yumoa was still married to a cow…_

_Not that he'd ever tell anyone his dark secret._

"_Only you understand me, Borgie!" he whispered tearfully, standing in the middle of the brown lake and hugging the tiny stuffed animal._

"_Yumoa, is that you?"_

_He looked up, suddenly not crying his heart out to a metal bunny, and grinned widely. "Kou! Doku! I thought you were dead!"_

_The two of them looked at each other in uncertainty. Dokugakuji shrugged, and Kougaiji merely sighed. It was starting to seem like they would never get out of this misadventure without some degree of psychological corruption, and it seemed even more likely that the bringer of corruption would be none other than this mentally imbalanced, schizophrenic, childlike god._

"_You wouldn't happen to know how to get out of here, would you?" Kougaiji asked._

"_It's been a really long four hours, and the umbrella didn't do anything," added Dokugakuji._

_Yumoa frowned. "Did you wave it around and say the magic words?"_

"_Er, no. We just opened it up." Kougaiji's eyes narrowed slightly. Sometimes he wondered whether or not this really was a god. He seemed more like a lost child._

"_Oh. Well, then wave it and say the magic words already. You haven't got all day, and Kon told me an hour ago that the Sanzo party's already halfway there."_

_The two of them just blinked._

"_What…what are the magic words?" Kougaiji finally asked, after realizing that Yumoa was going to float there until they either asked or said them._

"_Eh? Well, shoot, I dunno."_

_More staring ensued, during which time the ignorant young god swam over to the Tiki torches and climbed up onto the wood planks with the bunny in tow, miraculously exiting the chocolate milk as dry as a bone._

_He held out a hand. "Here, lemme see that umbrella."_

_They handed it over in silent confusion, utterly nonplussed and thinking the same thing: "We're doomed."_

_The god stared at it for a while, then waved it a little and murmured a few unintelligible words under his breath._

_In an instant, the entire cavern vanished, and the three found themselves in another stone corridor, dank and dark as a catacomb, with pretty much the same musty smell. He dropped the umbrella then and smiled warmly. "Excellent! Now let's just go find that artifact Kon wants so badly."_

………………………………………………………………………

_**(Ground Zero)**_

"_Connect this to the machine—not there. Plug it into the second USB port. Now press that switch and close the casing…"_

_Chitsujo fired off orders like a well-versed drill commander while Higeki and the Professor fulfilled them to the letter. There were too many little things that had to be done before battle could commence, and Ákùmu required more blood before he would be strong enough to do the task ahead._

"_Your cousin's a feisty one, isn't she?" Ni said conversationally as he programmed the power settings into the little keypad._

_Higeki made no reply._

_Ni let out a bored sigh. He couldn't wait until the fun started, but it would be nice if the little goddess would at least respond when spoken to. Things were so much more entertaining with Hwan around to get all flustered and angry. Higeki was particularly emotionless for a Tragedy goddess._

_Plus, sitting out in the middle of an empty desert after sunset was rather depressing._

"_Ni, what is the ikkou's position?" demanded Chitsujo in the same empty voice she used for all speaking._

"_They have decided to camp out fifty kilometers east of here," he muttered, typing rapidly while glancing over at the laptop displaying the tracker's coordinates. The blinking yellow dot had been sitting there for about two hours. He was confident in the belief that there would be no excitement tonight._

_Order returned to her work as if she hadn't stopped at all._

_It was going to be a long night._

………………………………………………………………………

**(Camping out, Eating Marshmallows, and Singing Kumbayah…well…one-third right…)**

Hakkai was going over the map with Sanzo while Goku and Gojyo argued over a bagel when Konran finally showed up again. He was such a showy bastard. Why couldn't he just walk up and say, "Hey, how's it going?" like a normal person, instead of materializing out of the shadows like the creepy freak he was?

My yelp of surprise was the only thing to alert the others to his disconcerting presence, and their lack of concern was irritating at best.

Oh, and then Hakkai, Sanzo, and Ass-Hat cloistered themselves off to the side out of my range of hearing, undoubtedly plotting my demise.

I snapped in three seconds flat—a record.

"Yo, co-conspirators!" I shouted from my log beside the fire. "How about some consideration for the informationally disinclined here!"

They gave me blank stares, then returned to the hushed whispering. Hakuryu gave me what I strongly suspected to be a pitying look before resting his head upon Hakkai's shoulder once more.

"I'm going to kill them," I muttered, returning to the fire. The other two broke off their fight and took up seats on either side of me, and I shot them disparaging glares. "I doubt that either of you could do anything to alleviate my plummeting self-esteem. Please leave me to my vomit."

Gojyo snickered and lit another cigarette with the lighter he had stolen back from Sanzo while the monk's back had been turned. "It's not that bad. We're used to them doing the brainy work while we sit back and wait for the fighting parts. It just leaves more fun for us. The only boring part is the camping out."

"Yeah, well it irritates the hell out of me," I growled, taking a rather vicious swing at a log which was refusing to burn and giving off some particularly noxious fumes. "I mean, where does he get off acting like I'm not even here. It's _my_ life hanging in the balance, and I'm so in the dark that I'm about three millimeters away from breaking his neck and seeing if it'll kill him or just hurt a lot!"

"Um, he's staring at you," Goku whispered, causing me to fall silent in an instant.

I turned my wrathful gaze over to Ass-Hat, and he was smirking again. _Smirking!_ Argh, I wanted to kill something!

"Why do you hate him so much again?" inquired the cockroach.

"Oh, nothing really—just the little fact that he's the _entire_ reason why I'm trapped in this mental warp of a hell. That he's a jerk and a monster who should die a horrible fiery death. That he's the one who made me this way so that I would kill my whole family in a murderous rampage at age seven…but none of that crap is important! It's okay! I'M PERFECTLY FINE!" I had gone from mumbling to screaming while violently shaking the kappa's arm during the little rant, and once I was done he peeled me away and patted my head awkwardly.

"Er, I think I'm going to go get a beer," he muttered, before standing abruptly and walking away towards the supply stack.

I pouted and returned to the flames. _Fire. Burning. Hot. Very hot. Whoo, that's hot._

"Gah! Shut up!" I clutched at my head and squeezed tightly, willing my mind to stop talking.

"Hey, it's gonna be okay," Goku assured me, sounding a little worried. "We're th' good guys! We gotta win!"

I shook my head. "No, it's not that. I'm just trying to make my mind shut up. I swear it's trying to drive me out."

"How?"

Smiling a bit, I ruffled his fluffy head and felt a better all of a sudden. "Ah, it's nothing you should worry about, Goku," I told him in assurance. "I'm used to my mind betraying me, and I don't want to stain your innocence, though I do find it odd that you're the older one and I'm worrying about _you_."

"Eh? But we're all worried about you! You were th' one who got hurt bad back there."

"Spilt milk. I'm better now, so there's no reason to keep complaining."

"So…if that's how you see it, then why're ya still mad at Konran for somethin' that happened years ago?" Those huge golden eyes were so innocent it was scary—perceptive, too, though I didn't think he even realized how perceptive he was.

I decided to enlighten him. "Wow, Goku, that was one of the smartest questions anyone has ever asked me."

"Huh? How?" Now he was just baffled. Sheesh, those other three did nothing to provoke his intelligence, did they?

"Well, I just contradicted myself. I said that I'm not mad now about getting hurt because I'm already healed—the past is the past, and it can't be changed. However, I still retain my resentment toward the ass-hat for what happened years ago, which contradicts my reasoning in the first scenario." I smiled despite myself. "You may not have realized it, but you saw through my hypocrisy and called me on it without hesitation."

"And that was smart?"

"Uh-huh."

His eyes lit up, and suddenly he was running over to the conspiracy cabal, bursting among them and shouting happily, "Hey, Lydia says I'm smart! See, Sanzo, I'm not a stupid monkey after all!"

_**WHAM!**_

One smack of the fan, and monkey was down for the count.

"Damn, _Master Sanzo_ seems to be in a bad mood," Gojyo muttered sarcastically upon his return with beer in tow. "Worse than usual, I mean."

"He is stunting that poor kid's intellectual growth," I added in annoyance as I watched the monk replace the fan into the unknown Z-space within his robes. I had yet to discover where exactly he kept it so well-hidden.

"Owww…" Goku slowly staggered to his feet and blinked a few times to test his double-vision. "Wha' was that for?"

"You're irritating me and interrupting the meeting. Go and play with the stray."

"Grrr…" The monkey trudged back over to us and plunked down onto the seat on my left. "Man…my head hurts now."

"Shut up, monkey!" shouted the pissy priest.

We three outcasts sat on the log and watched the cabal in bitterness. There was no justice—in my world OR this one. I could only imagine what horrors Chitsujo had planned for us, and I could imagine even less what the conspiracy cabal's big plan was. The more I thought about it, the worse the headache got, until I started to feel woozy. I closed my eyes and tried to breathe, suddenly not feeling so hot.

"Here, drink this," murmured a soft voice. Familiar…

I squinted at the glare of the flames and spotted the small mug of some sort of tea, rosy-colored and giving off a seductively sweet scent.

"Er, thanks," I muttered to whomever it was, taking the proffered cup and sipping the liquid. Slowly, the headache faded, and the dizziness tapered to a mild discomfort.

The voice sighed. "You can't forget to regulate your sugar in a time like this, Lydia. You're stressed as it is, and we don't need you going into diabetic shock, all right?"

I pouted. "Fine."

Then I looked toward the voice and nearly gagged, seized, and aneurismed on the spot.

"Gyah! Get away from me, you creepy, creepy god!" I cried, shoving Konran off the log and proceeding to kick him in the shins.

"Ow! Hey! You ungrateful little worm! Stop that—argh, my back!"

………………………………………………………………………

_**(Gojyo-Vision)**_

_Only one word came to mind when he witnessed Lydia's attack on Konran: vicious._

"_Hey, Goku, remind me never to piss her off," Gojyo whispered to the monkey._

"_You said it." He, too, was staring in surprise._

_The god had finally managed to scramble to his feet, and was now deftly avoiding every precision-aimed stroke of the girl's Ryushi. His calls for a sane, cooperative discussion fell on deaf ears, until a brilliant feint and lightning-quick slash through his midsection, suddenly scattering him like black confetti on the breeze._

_He came together some twenty yards away, nearer to Sanzo and Hakkai, and panted, "Now that's enough! I try to be nice, and you try to disembowel me? Where is the justice?"_

"_Funny, I was asking myself the same freaking question three minutes ago!" Lydia snapped back. "But you probably knew that, ya CIA spook wannabe!"_

_Goku poked Gojyo on the shoulder, dragging his attention away from the squabbling pair. "Hey, Hakkai's calling us," he said, pointing over to their monocled companion, who was motioning for them to come. Sanzo merely sat with his eyes closed—probably pretending that he was somewhere less infuriating._

"_What's up?" the water sprite asked upon arrival. He and the monkey took up seats on a couple of rolled sleeping mats, looking back and forth between the two conspirators and the pair off to the side—one trying to kill the other while the other begged for understanding._

"_Konran tells us that Chitsujo is already there, setting up that machine he mentioned back at the castle," Hakkai informed them. "We'll be arriving by noon tomorrow, if we stick to Sanzo's schedule."_

_The kappa frowned and slowly turned to the monk. "Alright, what time are we leaving?"_

_He didn't even open his eyes. "Five."_

"_What! That's insane! What's wrong with you?" Of all the ridiculous, cruel, unnecessary tortures, that damn priest was going to wake them up at _**FIVE**

"_We **leave** at five, dimwit. You'll be up by four. Better sleep now."_

_Gojyo glared at him, at a total loss as to what his first argument would be._

"_Wow, that's so early," Goku murmured, his brow furrowed in thought. After a few seconds, he started walking off toward the lean-to they had created out of an old blanket and a wide, overhanging cairn._

"_Where are you going, ape?" the red-head demanded, finding himself suddenly without backup._

_The monkey just laughed. "If I want ten hours of sleep, then I gotta go ta bed now. Duh, stupid water sprite!"_

"_Why you little…" He was all ready and raring to teach that kid a lesson, but hesitated when Hakkai held him back. "What now? Can't you see I'm busy?"_

"_Gojyo, there's something we didn't tell you." His visible bright green eye was narrowed and serious, sending an uneasy feeling through the kappa's stomach._

"_Yeah?" He took a final drag on his cigarette, then tossed it down and ground it into the sandstone with his heel._

"_Apparently, Konran isn't strong enough as he is to provide the kind of power that he and Kougaiji need to put this plan into motion."_

"_What's that supposed to mean?" He glanced over at the squabbling duo. Lydia had the god in a Full Nelson so severe that a mortal's arms would have been dislocated at the shoulder already. He couldn't help but chuckle—that girl was going to fight tooth and nail until Konran either gave up or did something positively ingenious._

"_It means that he needs Lydia to lose control again—completely."_

_He spun in surprise and stared at his friend. "You're kidding, right?" he whispered._

_Hakkai gave a morose shake of his head. "No. All of Konran's power is filtered through her, and the way her mind works is that the more control she has, the less power gets through to him. That's why we're driving, and not teleporting."_

"_Damn, Hakkai, that's twisted. Hasn't she been through enough already?"_

"_That's why we're not telling Goku. Konran has already spoken with her about it, and it seems like she has agreed to go along with the plan, though at the moment it looks more as though she's getting her last word in before giving him what he wants." A brief smile slid across his face, almost reaching his eyes, but not quite. He was obviously battling a major moral dilemma._

_Gojyo looked to the taciturn Sanzo, then did a double-take. He was sleeping! On a log!_

"_There is something very wrong with that man," he whispered edgily to Hakkai, keeping an eye on the monk; he was known to lash out even while sleeping._

_Hakkai just smiled halfheartedly. "You should go to bed, too, Gojyo. I'm turning in." The little dragon cheeped his good-night and fluttered down onto a loose blanket, curling into a white ball of warmth._

"_Damn, this just keeps getting better and better," the kappa grumbled, combing his hair back with his fingers and tying it up into a ponytail with his long bangs framing his face. Well, back to business._

"_Touch me again and I'll snap your fingers off one by one, creep!" the girl was growling. She had a knee between his shoulder blades and his wrists restrained behind his head._

"_Brutal," Gojyo sighed, "Oy, Lydia, quit playing with your boyfriend and go to sleep. Baldy's getting us up at four in the damn morning."_

_She froze, and turned her head to face him freakishly, **painfully** slowly. (A/N: Think "Exorcist") "Come again? Do you want me to dismember you, water boy?"_

"_A little help here!" cried the god._

"_Er, y'know, I think I hear the monkey stealing all the food." Half a second later he was walking away. That was so not his problem. Poor Konran, to be stuck with that maniac for ever and ever._

_He stifled his laughter until he was out of earshot._

………………………………………………………………………

**(Night-Night Time!) **(MotU/N: …so I'm in a good mood! Sue me!)

"You're so cruel."

"I'll kill you. Shut the pie hole."

"Really, is all of this necessary?"

"Ryushi's thirsty, Kon-man. D'you think the blood of a god will make her happy?"

"How am I supposed to sleep hanging upside-down?"

"You're a god. I'm sure your brain isn't as intellectually inept as you let on. Figure it out."

"This isn't fair!"

"Sleeping!"

"Lydia, please!"

"That's it!" I threw the covers back and stomped over to where I had strung him up by his ankles and tied his hands behind his back. "Shut your pie-hole!" As I passed, I grabbed a rag off the supplies bag and wadded it up. "Now, silence, cur!"

"What? What are you—no! Argh, that's disgusting! Get away from me! Drop that! Lyd—rrnnnnffff!"

"Ah, sweet silence."

"Mmmmmrrrfffffnnnnnmmmm!"

I went back to bed and fell into a peaceful sleep.

Konran, not so much, but who cares?

………………………………………………………………………

**(_Author's Note)_**

_Sorry for taking an eternity to update. I've been so ridiculously busy lately. The next chapter is when all the actiony bits begin. Wheee! Also, I just started The Sequel, mostly because I found the perfect quote to start it off, and came up with the best intro to give a taste of exactly how far I intend to go with it. (evil giggle) To infinity, and just past 7-eleven!_

—_Cyh Scævola, the Chaos Theoryst OUT_


	28. Downfall: The Absence of Humor

**The Irony Gods: Chapter 28**

_**(Author's Note)**_

_Has anybody here read Samurai Deeper Kyo? I've just read the entire series (19 manga) in one week…my wallet hates me. (chuckle) I think I'm obsessed. I'm about one paycheck away from going ahead and buying the whole anime series. Of course, I'm unemployed. Dammit, gimme volume 20 RIGHT NOW, Tokyopop!_

_Anyway, I apologize in advance for the emotional torment I am about to bestow upon you all. I had to do it to open up The Sequel's options. You'll know what "it" is the moment you read it, so don't worry about my present ambiguity. It hurt me more than it will hurt you._

_**Quote(s) of the Day:** "Death is not anything…death is not…It's the absence of presence, nothing more…the endless time of never coming back…a gap you can't see, and when the wind blows through it, it makes no sound…"—Guildenstern; Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead_

………………………………………………………………………

**_Downfall: The Absence of Humor_**

_**(Houtou Castle—Hwan's Lab)**_

_Once again the Doctor was distracted from work by an incessant beeping in the Professor's lab. It would start up for a minute or so, then stop suddenly, only to return about half an hour later. It was irritating enough that the Professor had ordered her to stay behind and house-sit—head of the Resurrection Project her ass! But with that damn beeping going off at regular intervals, she found herself incapable of concentrating on monitoring the dormant Gyumaoh._

"_Dammit!" she snapped at last, pushing away from her desk and adjusting her glasses with one hand while straightening out her white lab coat with the other. "This is that last time I let that letch order me around for his amusement—and shut the hell up!"_

_She stomped over to Ni's lab and found the source of the noise immediately. One of the madman's various little gadgets was shrieking like mad and blinking neon blue in a manner more befitting a disco strobe light._

_The noise was piercing from this close, made even worse by the fact that her hearing was about ten times better than a human's. "Ugh, what **is** this thing?" She picked it up and studied the little display screen for a moment, then flinched in surprise. "Isn't that…?"_

………………………………………………………………………

**(Predawn)**

This early in the morning, nothing felt real. The sun seemed to be struggling as much to wake up as I was, turning the sky a sickly brown that made me wish I had control over time itself, just so I could go back to sleep.

Of course, it didn't help any that Konran had escaped his restraints during the night and "magically" appeared in my sleeping bag.

The bed was bad enough, but _this_ meant war.

"What's all that racket?" a groggy Gojyo mumbled from the sleeping mat a few feet away, sitting up slowly and brushing the tangled strands of hair from his face. He managed to open his eyes, blinked, and then merely sat there, gaping like a bass.

I was just dusting my hands off and putting away the spare lengths of rope when I glanced over at him. Hakkai and Sanzo were stirring as well. "Oh, nothing like a spot of torture to rouse one from the depths of a peaceful sleep," I replied mock-cheerfully.

"Um, is that Konran?" he managed, pointing vaguely toward the twitching, tightly-bound lump of my sleeping bag—I would be burning it once he was out of it…or, perhaps, while he was still hog-tied inside.

"Yep. Ass-hat doesn't have a brain, and hence no capacity for memory. I was just about to kill him. Would you like to watch?"

"Er…I think I need a beer." Groaning stiffly from sleeping on the hard sandstone of the rocky outcropping where we had spent the night, he got up and trudged over to the supplies bag, digging out a pack of cigarettes and a beer.

"Kinda early to be drinking, no?"

He shook his head. "Not when you're here, sweetheart." He cracked the can and gulped half the drink before lighting up.

"Lydia?" mumbled a tired, sandy-eyed monkey, sitting cross-legged in the middle of his mat and rubbing his eyes with the back of his fist.

"Hey, monkey."

"Why's Konran in that bag?"

"Because he's an ass-hat—a shame-faced, good-for-nothing bastard with no hobbies other than my eternal torment."

"Oh…okay. Hey, Hakkai, when's breakfast? I'm so hungry!" The mere thought of food had the power to rouse him from even the deepest torpor.

Hakkai had already gotten up, surveyed the situation, and found it acceptable. He was now heading over to the supplies bag as well, pulling out a pan and some meat and rice for breakfast. "Good morning everyone—**_Konran, you should learn some manners_**—breakfast will be ready in fifteen minutes." How that guy could manage to throw an utterly hostile remark smack in between two positively innocent remarks was beyond my ability to comprehend.

I merely appreciated his approval of my methods.

The sleeping bag shouted injustice and squirmed a little, reminding me somewhat of what had happened right after meeting the bastard the first time—'bout time he felt my pain.

"Oh, shut up, whiner," I snapped, kicking the bag a few times. "You deserve this."

His incoherent, garbled protests apparently disagreed, but I didn't give a damn.

"I cannot _wait_ until this is all over and you and your annoying gods can go away," growled Sanzo, **the last to get up.**

I considered rubbing that fact in his face, then thought better of it when I noticed that he was already carrying his gun the way a toddler carries his favorite stuffed animal wherever he goes. Only…_this_ toddler was a cold-blooded killer _as well as_ a Buddhist monk. Their world was flaunting psychological deviancy left and right, like a lurid orange feather boa.

"Oh, and you think I _enjoy_ being Genghis Kon's personal guinea pig? Please! I just wanna go home and nurture my diabetes in relative peace." I glanced over at Hakkai. "And speaking of diabetes, Hakkai, is there any juice or something in the bag?"

He smiled while stirring the pan of food. "I kept a bottle of peach juice just in case, and it's been with the beer, so it should be fairly cold still."

That man was as good as any mother.

While I dug out the juice and unscrewed the top—"Qoo" brand juice from Japan, which I ignored because my understanding of this place would never go beyond the social interactions—my sleeping bag struggled to stand up. It managed to balance precariously for a moment, before suddenly collapsing in on itself.

He materialized beside the campfire, sitting on a log and frowning at the flames. "Don't do that again."

"Perhaps you should obey Lydia's request first, before making any demands of your own," Hakkai scolded.

He was not in the mood. "It's my responsibility to protect her. I will utilize any method I wish, in order to fulfill that responsibility."

Sanzo was in even less of a mood. "Nobody speaks, or I'll shoot them."

Breakfast progressed in silence, aside from Goku's occasional outbursts with Gojyo over the food, each of which was summarily abbreviated my Sanzo's Banishing gun. Hakkai's pleasant smile seemed plastered on crooked, as though he were at present battling a new case of Inner Turmoil.

Konran…I dunno—maybe he had rabies? Huh? What?

………………………………………………………………………

_**(Houtou Castle)**_

_Dokugakuji kept lookout while Kougaiji and Yumoa rifled through the dusty stacks of scientific journals and books on magic which had accumulated over time in Gyokumen Koushu's official quarters. Not that the witch ever spent any time in there—she spent almost every waking moment in the Resurrection room, doting on her sealed lover, ordering around her slaves, and talking smack about the Sanzo Party's "futile attempts to halt the project." Quite possibly, she was the most self-centered, egomaniacal madwoman to ever have graced the face of this dimension. (A/N: Back in Lydia's realm, that title goes to Paris Hilton, and don't you pansies whine to me about how I'm wrong. That chick simply pisses me off.)_

_Kougaiji had no words to express his relief that the witch wasn't in the castle, especially now. Yumoa had no problems with breaking expensive trinkets and antique furniture in his search for the artifact._

"_Darn, darn, darn!" the young god whined after so many hours of searching had produced nothing at all. "Where the heck did she put it?" They had been there all night, and he wanted a nap **now**. And why did this crazy woman have to have so many rooms in one bedroom, anyway? Ludicrous!_

_Kougaiji sighed and opened the lid on one of many solid oak, iron bound chests, and pushed the papers aside to dig to the bottom. "Chances are, she probably doesn't even know what it is," he muttered, concentrating on a lump at the bottom of the deep container._

"_Stupid woman," Yumoa said in disdain._

"_How are we, Dokugaku?"_

_The swordsman glanced out in the hall, listening intently. "I hear voices. Sounds like someone's coming near here. Better pick up the pace."_

"_Dammit." The Prince picked up the pace, shoving papers hastily aside and ignoring the twinge of guilt he felt when some priceless document from a thousand years ago crumbled to dust, its knowledge lost forever to the carelessness of rush._

_And then his hand hit cold metal, and closed around a small box. "Wait, I think I found something here."_

_Yumoa perked up and skipped over, grinning as Kou drew out what looked like an ornate silver and gold jewelry box, with images of demons and dragons and fire on the lid and sides, inlaid with bits of garnet, topaz, and onyx._

"_Hurry up, Kou. They're coming!" Dokugakuji hissed from the doorway, moving to the side so as to remain invisible._

_With tense fingers, the Prince lifted the well-oiled lid and stared at what was inside. It cast a dark red glow up into the ceiling, illuminating various torture devices._

_Yumoa peeked over his shoulder, then giggled softly. "That's it. C'mon, let's go!"_

_Quickly, they all scrambled for the back exit._

"_I don't think so!" They screeched to a halt as someone stepped from the shadows beside the doorway. The light entering through the opposite doorway flashed off the person's lenses._

_Yumoa let out a squee of joy and without hesitation glomped the obstacle, much to the dismay and bewilderment of the other two. "Hwan! You came!"_

_The Doctor yelped and frantically shoved him away. "Get off of me!" she shouted furiously, stepping back and pulling a razor-sharp dagger from inside of her lab coat. "I cannot allow you to get away with this, Lord Kougaiji. Lady Koushu made it clear that none may enter her quarters without her explicit permission, and that you are to be stopped at all costs, should you try to impede Chitsujo's plan."_

_Yumoa pouted while the other two cautiously eyed the mob of guards to their backs. "Oh, come on, Hwan. You don't mean that. We're friends!"_

_She looked borderline nauseated by this observation. "Don't you dare speak as if we are on friendly terms, Yumoa. What you did was unforgivable!"_

_His pout turned into a worried frown. "You can't mean that."_

_Her eyes narrowed to slits. "I can and I do. Go back to the realm you came from."_

_Now the poor god looked about ready to burst into tears. She was so mean! "Aww, please, Hwan! I like it here! Borgie likes it here, too!" He held up the bunny and Hwan grimaced, reminded too well of the perverted bastard who ruled her life._

"_Get away from me."_

_He stamped a foot, ready to throw a toddler tantrum, and marched stubbornly toward her, his ember eyes taking on an injured glow. "You can't make me. I'm staying here, and I'm gonna make you my friend if it's the last thing I do!"_

"_So be it," she whispered as he stepped before her._

_Movement froze; sound stilled in the air itself._

_Everyone just stared—even the guards could sense the gravity of what had just occurred. _

_Yumoa let out a soft whimper, the tears edging into his eyes, then fell to the floor on his side, the dagger buried up to the hilt in his heart._

_Finally, Kougaiji managed to murmur, "You killed him…"_

_Hwan's startled expression hardened. "He was a nuisance." Then she turned to the guards. "Seize them all, and bring them to my lab."_

………………………………………………………………………

_**(Ground Zero)**_

_Higeki had been working diligently up until the point where she simply stopped moving, stunned by some obscure piece of information carried to her on the winds of Fate and Time. Suddenly, her prediction came to glaring clarity._

"_Yumoa?" she whispered questioningly to her sense of precognition._

_Chitusjo heard her, and frowned at Tragedy. "Dead," she announced flatly._

_Ni Jianyi's eyebrows peaked. "Hmm? Really, now?" His eyes slid over to the computer screen, to one of the tiny displays in the corner, and smirked at what he saw. "My, Hwan, such violence when one threatens your beloved." He snickered and returned to the generator, typing the last lines of code and entering them into the sequence._

_Tragedy still couldn't move. Quickly, she ran all possible outcomes through her mind, searching for an answer—any answer—that might help her fix this grievous error in history. The immortal ones do not die. This was a fact. There had to be an explanation._

"_What is your status?" questioned Order, appearing behind the Professor and studying the screen intently._

_Ni pressed the Enter key. "Mission accomplished."_

"_Good. Start the machine."_

"_With pleasure," he drawled, flipping the master switch. "My job is done here—can't have them knowing who I am just yet. Tell me how it goes?"_

_Chitsujo frowned at him. "Leave."_

"_Ooh, touchy." He got up with a snicker and headed toward the dragon with bunny in tow. The beast snorted distrustfully, but surrendered when he shot it a sharp leer. A minute later and he was on his way back to his lab._

_Inside the generator, Ákùmu came to life once more, breathing the blood mist and relishing the rush of power. So many…all waiting for his call. He reached out to touch them with tendrils of power, moving over the hundreds—no, the thousands of individuals. For the first time in far too long, the dead were speaking to him once more, understanding of his anger and pain, sympathizing with his thirst for power._

_One word was whispered, but it echoed like a shriek within the alloy walls of the reaction chamber, resonating through the coils and sparking the amplifier:_

"…**_rise…"_**

………………………………………………………………………

**(T-Minus 10 Minutes)**

Silence.

That was Sanzo's order, and he was in a mood so dark that it was enough to make all of us heed the command.

But then Konran broke the silence with a gasp, drawing bewildered stares from all besides the commander of the party. Sanzo twitched, borderline murderous.

"This better be good, asshole," growled the priest.

Konran ignored him. Instead, he leaned intently over the back of the jeep and frowned at the ether. "Something's wrong."

I wasn't surprised. "Uh-huh. Lemme guess: we're all going to die?" Cliché after melodrama after sporadic acts of insanity was this guy's _modus operandi_.

He glared at me then, so coldly that I actually bit back the snide observation I was about to make.

"What is it, then?" I asked instead, frowning.

Sanzo's twitching had died down—he was listening. The monkey and the kappa stared in uncertainty, waiting in tense silence. Apparently, my lack of sarcasm was becoming an indicator of grim circumstances. Typical. I was now the amphibian in the ecosystem. Damn you, Biology!

Chaos hesitated, then opened his mouth to speak…then closed it and changed his expression from worried to truly upset. "Yumoa?" he choked out after a brief struggle with his voice.

"What about him?" Goku asked nervously, fidgeting with a piece of jerky. His eyes had gone wide and concerned, filled with the light of empathy.

"N-nothing…I thought—it was nothing," he murmured haltingly, shaking his head.

"Bullshit," Sanzo fumed. "Spit it out or you're walking the rest of the way." At last, he turned his smoldering violet gaze on the god, all remnants of patience long gone from his person.

Something was more than wrong. Since when was ass-hat so choked up about Yumoa? Since when did he display any form of affection at all for his childlike cousin? Yeah, he was lying through his teeth about it being "nothing".

Konran's eyes flicked to each of us, to me last, and then he looked away, toward the west, toward Houtou Castle. He licked his lips and took a steadying breath, then said slowly, "Something has happened to him…I—I can't sense him anymore."

Gojyo's eyes narrowed slightly behind the haze of his cigarette, "What exactly does that mean, Konran?"

"There are only two possible meanings. One…he could have gone back to our realm. Higeki is the only one who can sense across realms. But that's not possible. He can't leave without either me or my sister."

"Soo…this second option would be…?" I tilted my head down to catch his eye, frowning hard to let him know that I wasn't letting him get away without answering.

The glow in his eyes was gone entirely. I could almost have sworn that they were shimmering with restrained tears…but he turned away. "Not now. Later—after we're done with this mission."

"No," snapped Sanzo. "You started it, so finish it."

He stared at the monk uncertainly. "You know, don't you?"

"I'm not as stupid as these idiots," was his response.

Wait…what? That feeling was back, as though someone were whispering quickly into my mind and transmitting emotional data to go with it. In an instant, I knew why he was evading the questions.

"No…" I whispered, frowning deeply at the floor of the jeep. I lifted my head and glared at him. "No way! That's not possible!"

He refused to meet my eyes. "It's what I sense, Lydia. I can't see any other explanation."

Now I was angry—and upset—but mostly angry. "You lied!"

He flinched, startled by the unprovoked accusation. "About what?" he breathed.

I sat up against the two front seats and pointed a condemning finger at him. "You said you guys were immortal! Explain yourself!"

"I'm not sure how to do that…we are immortal—at least, to an extent. We don't get sick or succumb to old age, and regenerate our bodies easily when injured."

"**_Then how can Yumoa be dead!_**" I shouted loudly, my voice cracking on the last word. This couldn't be happening. That idiot couldn't die. He was Comedy, for sanity's sake! He was like a child—innocent as Goku but with more memories of the world's history. He cheated at Go-Fish and confounded me at Twister!

The jeep ground to a halt on the loose rocks and sand, kicking up yellow dust which clouded behind us, obscuring the sun's light. Hakkai, Goku, and Gojyo all turned to gape at Konran, who still sat perched atop the spare tire, wringing his hands nervously.

"Dead?" Goku repeated almost inaudibly.

"Oh dear…" Hakkai murmured.

The jeep _kyuu_-ed sadly, sympathizing with everyone's shock.

Gojyo's cigarette finally lost its death grip on his bottom lip and fell in his lap, and he yelped and swatted it out, before sitting back down rather abruptly, gripping the edge of the jeep so hard that his knuckles turned white. "Shit, man…"

"It's not possible," I said shortly, waving my hand in a shooing motion. "No way. He's still alive. Something's gone squirrelly, but he's still alive and wreaking his brand of happy havoc somewhere out there." I refused to let myself cry. No more crying. It did me no good to go to pieces. He was ALIVE.

The god watched me with a look of gentle sympathy. It made me want to hit him.

"Don't look at me like that, Konran. I refuse to believe your inept telepathic link with your cousin. Nope. He's alive." I nodded to myself. "I just know it. If he's dead, then he'll come back—he owes me a rematch in Go-Fish, the bastard."

It was quiet for a little bit, everyone getting their own thoughts together.

Sanzo interrupted with authority, "Let's go. We're wasting time."

Obediently, Hakkai got us moving again, but it was still quiet except for the hum of the engine and the scraping of sand beneath the tires. The sun had returned, glowing hot and red through the morning mist. It would burn the barrier away soon, and hit us full-force like yesterday.

Something told me that losing control was going to be a lot easier than ever before.

………………………………………………………………………

_**(Houtou Castle)**_

"_Kou, behind you!"_

_Kougaiji heard the warning and gripped the small box tightly in one hand while he swung the other fist. It connected with the soldier's temple and brought him down moaning in pain._

_There were still more—an entire regiment, it seemed. They had to find a way out._

_Hwan had left only a few minutes ago with three soldiers, two as guards and one to carry Yumoa's body. She never removed the dagger, and Kougaiji could hear no heartbeat or breathing. He really was dead._

_Lirin was going to fall apart over this, and that knowledge only made him angrier._

_A surge of attackers formed a mob and charged them both, planning to smother them with sheer numbers. Dokugakuji moved closer to the prince's side, prepared to protect his friend and the artifact with his life if necessary._

"_Any plans?" he said with a halfhearted smile as the mob closed in._

"_I don't see any other option but up," Kougaiji replied, tucking the box safely within his vest._

"_Then let's break out of here before Sanzo beats us to the punch!"_

_They speared forward simultaneously to meet the oncoming horde, closer and closer, until the first wave was almost on top of them—and then they leapt as high as they could, grabbing hold of a pair of hanging iron maidens and swinging over to land behind the rush. The mob's momentum carried it across the room, demolishing what was left of the furniture and trinkets that Yumoa had broken, but the last line of defense still stood between them and freedom._

_Ten of Gyokumen Koushu's personal guards kept the rear of the mob, blocking the immediate exit._

"_Out of our way!" the prince growled, sprinting to the nearest guard and blocking his spear with a well-placed punch to the elbow joint. The bone crunched under the blow, but the guard remained unfazed, and switched hands to take another jab while two others joined in from behind._

_There was a sudden blur of something off-white, and in an instant the two were cut down and bleeding across the stone tiles. Dokugaku stood behind them and winked, before hurrying over to three more who wielded maces and clubs._

_A whistling sound to the right set the princes instincts on fire, and he dodged left to avoid his opponent's spear by a hair's breadth, spinning right after and delivering a savage kick to his head. He dropped instantly to the floor, unconscious._

_He and Dokugakuji joined forces to tear through the other seven, taking a few glancing blows, but nothing that would cause much more than a superficial cut or some slight bruising. The worst injury among them was Kougaiji's dislocated shoulder, resulting from when a guard had grabbed his wrist and swung him hard against a wall. Said guard had already received his punishment._

_Once they escaped to the open corridors and found the second (less bizarre) secret passage, they paused to catch their breath and listen as the mindless posse of soldiers barreled down the hall, past the stone wall behind which they had hidden, screaming their respective war cries.._

_Once the danger was past, Kougaiji leaned heavily against the wall and laughed weakly, "That was certainly a disappointment."_

"_Why?" Dokugakuji looked up at him from his seat on the floor and wiped the blood from his forehead._

_The prince shook his head. "I hate that we have to fight our own people."_

"_Ah, don't sweat it, Skinny. We'll find a way eventually to return everything back to normal. Then you can free your mom and life will be good again. It'll just take some time."_

_He sighed. "I hope you're right." He grimaced and cradled his arm against his side. "Hey, could you help me with this?"_

"_Dislocated, right?"_

"_Yeah."_

"_Sure thing, but it's going to hurt."_

"_Just hurry up. We have to get back to Yaone and Lirin. They're probably worried sick by now."_

_The swordsman nodded and got up, taking hold of Kougaiji's elbow. "Now brace your back against the wall. I'll make it quick."_

_He nodded and closed his eyes against the sharp pain, then emitted no more than a muffled cry when Dokugakuji jerked the bones back into place._

"_Better?"_

"_Sore, but better." He sighed and rubbed the aching joint. "Come on. We need to run if we're going to make this plan work, and with Yumoa gone…"_

_The swordsman gave a grim nod. "You're right. Konran'll probably want to know what happened." He started toward the exit, but Kougaiji held him back._

"_Hey, Doku, please don't tell Lirin. This whole thing is bad enough, but Yumoa was her friend."_

"_Don't worry. I'll keep it quiet."_

_He scratched his head and sighed. "Thank you."_

………………………………………………………………………

**(The Army of Darkness)**

"Uh, does anyone else hear that rumble?" Goku murmured from his huddle on the seat. He lifted his head from folded arms and looked around us.

"She has turned it on," Konran responded emptily. "Just beyond that hill."

Gojyo frowned and stared at the hillcrest. "I'm sensing something really weird, guys. It's like there's an army of youkai on the other side, but not."

"Do you ever make sense?" grumbled Sanzo while loading his gun and readying more bullets for when he needed to reload.

"Hey, yeah." Goku unfolded himself and watched the hill as well. There was the faintest blue glow edging around the outline. "It gives me the creeps."

Konran sighed and rolled his eyes. "You have no idea."

"Well, we're about to find out what it is," Hakkai said as we plowed up the hard-packed sand dune.

We watched the edge of light as we neared the crest, tense and uneasy about what exactly we were about to take on. Konran had been keeping the effects of this generator thing a secret from me and Goku, so we were the closest to the side, watching and waiting for the unveiling.

When we reached the top, Hakkai brought the jeep to a sudden halt and put on the parking brake.

"Uh-oh," Gojyo commented, the cigarette falling from his lips to the ground for the second time in ten minutes. The universe was falling apart at the seams. Up next: Sanzo attempts diplomacy!

I gawked at the gauntlet before us, and the tiny spark of neon blue off in the far distance, then slowly turned to Konran. "Dude, I hate you."

He gave an exasperated sigh. "Lydia, please. How is this my fault? This is hardly the—"

"I'm pretty sure I hate you, too," Sanzo interrupted.

"Ditto," added Gojyo.

We looked at Goku, who just shrugged. "Actually, this could be fun!"

Group consensus: "We should have known."

"What a predicament," murmured Hakkai, wearing an apprehensive smile. "I take it that they aren't alive?"

Chaos shook his head and looked down at the immense field of bones and corpses, all standing on their feet and looking right back at us—though most didn't even have eyes. "This is Akhlys' power. In your realm, he is called Ákùmu. Once harnessed, his powers are immense, and are capable of raising the dead, no matter how old. He is the Mist of Death—the Nightmare."

"Uh, right. So how old are these bodies?" I could have sworn I saw one in a loincloth that looked an awful lot like a devolved Goku.

"Everyone who ever died here has been resurrected. That is his power."

"Awwww, this is so bullshit," Gojyo muttered, massaging his temple.

Sanzo growled audibly. "Bullshit or not, we have work to do, so quit stalling and let's get this stupid misadventure over with. I have a headache."

Konran nodded and narrowed his eyes to dangerous, glowing slits. "Yes. I have a debt to repay."

"For the Alamo!" I cried, pumping my fist in the air. One of the corpses gave me a confused look and coughed up some sort of green slime. Eeew.

"Alamo? What the hell is Alamo?" demanded the cockroach.

"For Yumoa' would have been more appropriate," Konran said slowly, clearly restraining himself from giving me what for.

"Tch. I'm on the team that thinks he's still alive, ass-hat. I _believe_ in that doofus."

"We are so screwed," the kappa lamented.

A slow smile spread across Goku's face, and all talking stopped. Wait for it…

"Hey, Sanzo?" he began.

_**SPLAT!**_

Tucking the fan away, the monk snapped, "No talking. I don't what to here it, you stupid ape. Sit down and shut up. Hakkai? Drive!"

Hakkai smiled. "Yes, Sanzo."

Group consensus (sans Sanzo): "Auuugh! The PAIN!"

I hope my medical insurance covers whiplash.

………………………………………………………………………

**(_Author's Note)_**

_Yes, I meant THAT Army of Darkness when I was coming up with ideas for this chapter. It's one of my favorite movies ever—not because it's filled with violence and corpses (though that IS a plus). No, I just really love how totally, ridiculously nonsensical and hilarious it can be. This is gonna be goooooood. _

_(evil maniacal chuckle)_

_Oh, and again, I'm sorry about doing that to poor Yumoa. (cries) I love him so much! He's like my little boy…I'm not ready for real kids, but that Yumoa is exactly what I hope my children will become. Though, I will say that I'd never stab my own children (in the heart). Heh-heh-heh…__ I swear, Lydia's the only one dense enough to deny all facts when presented with a death… (sigh)_

_Ah, and one more thing: Special thanks to **Daark-Monkey** for helping me get my ass in gear. Good reviews give me hope, and make me write faster. I'm glad I've helped you improve your "skillz", since I pride myself on my mastery of the written word. I feel all warm and fuzzeh now._

—_Cyh Scævola, the Chaos Theoryst OUT_


	29. Pandemonium: Zombies and Lab Rats

**The Irony Gods: Chapter 29

* * *

**

_**(Author's Note)**_

_I'm feeling a bit evil tonight…it's like 3 AM right now. No, I don't sleep. Wastes time. Long chappie. _

_I'm eating cookies and sippin' da Dew…_

_NOW FOR SOME MADNESS!_

_Oh, and before anyone gets all offended and whatnot, I like rednecks, and I like snowplows—whatever is said in this fanfic is purely for the sake of entertainment, unless it's in an (A/N), 'cause then it's my own personal interjection._

_**Quote(s) of the Day:** "My day is not complete until I have terrified a total stranger."—BumperSticker

* * *

_

**_Pandemonium: Zombies and Lab Rats_**

_**(Houtou Castle—Rendezvous) **(A/N: I know, I know…that word is spelled all funny. "Rondayvoo")_

"_Lirin's gettin' tired of waiting, Yaone," the spunky little Princess whined, plopped on the arched spine of one of the rocky structures surrounding the dark Castle. "Why's Kougaiji and Doku takin' so long?"_

_The healer offered an uncertain smile and a quick glance to make certain that the girl wasn't showing signs of taking off after her brother. "Don't worry about them, Lady Lirin. I'm sure they're fine." _

_Though, in her mind, it **was** taking longer than expected. The Sanzo party was probably already at the generator site, and the plan couldn't move forward without that artifact. There were plenty of strange, ancient artifacts in the Castle, but they just **had** to need the one most difficult to obtain…ugh, irony was a bitter thing._

_She sighed and sat down as well, rubbing her sore legs through the sheer stockings. Standing for so long in tense worry wasn't good for her health, but she couldn't help herself. It was dumb luck alone that left the castle without Gyokumen Koushu or Professor Ni around to make things complicated, but she knew better than to expect no resistance at all._

_Lirin was nowhere near as patient as Yaone, and just wanted them to get back as soon as possible. She wanted to go see Sanzo and Lydia, and even Goku. Things were so boring without people to play with._

_She snapped in no time._

"_Dammit!" she cried in frustration, pounding a fist into the stone beneath her. The structure vibrated, but held firm. "I wanna go in and get 'em!"_

"_Now why would you do that?" inquired an amused voice from behind._

_In a flash, she was grinning and leaping to her feet to run over to her brother and tackle him with a big hug. "Big brother! You're back!"_

_Kougaiji's smile was strained, but not enough to alert his sister. Yaone, however, noticed right away, and was about to mention it when he sent her a pleading glance which clearly asked her not to say anything._

_Something was wrong—very wrong—but she kept her mouth shut anyway. If Lord Kougaiji wanted her quiet, then it was probably something that would upset Lirin. Instead, she said, "It's good to see you both back safe, though I must say that you look like you fought through an army to get out." Her smile was real enough. She was relieved that they had gotten out as unscathed as they had._

_Dokugakuji laughed heartily, "Oh, yeah. You wouldn't believe how huge Lady Koushu's personal guard has gotten."_

_She smiled warmly. "So did you get it?"_

_The Prince reached into his vest and withdrew the silver box, frowning slightly. "Yes, but it took forever to find, so we're probably running out of time."_

_Yaone nodded dutifully, setting aside her questions and addressing the problem at hand, "Then we should go now. The dragons are at the bottom of this spire."

* * *

_

**(Ground Zero)**

Hakkai drove that jeep the way an inebriated redneck drives a snowplow—with total disregard for pedestrian safety. Of course, when the pedestrians are sadistic zombies from all walks of death, one tends to forget that they normally _shouldn't_ be mowed down like a field of rather odoriferous saw grass. Plus, it made short work of quite a lot of the ground we were supposed to cover.

I found it intriguing that even the ancient dead of this realm knew how to flip us the bird.

"Sore losers!" Gojyo taunted right back at the raised fingers. He was already swinging his _shakujou_ around like a bladed whip, dismembering the ones who got too close to his side of the jeep.

A blur of red flashed by my face, missing my nose by mere microns as Goku took down eight of the grotesque reanimations with one swing of his _nyoi-bo_. He was laughing happily, high on the rush of the fight.

In all honesty, I wasn't too keen on jumping into the fracas. I mean, my coat could get all kinds of decomposing fluids on it, and who knew how hard it was to get the stink of rotting dead things off of such porous and supple leather? Nuh-uh. No way. I refused to tango with the undead. I remained firmly glued to my seat on the floor, fantasizing about the many things I could be doing in my realm at that moment—watching Ren & Stimpy, playing Devil May Cry 3, plotting revenge against my next door neighbor's little kid for calling me a "doo-doo head".

A gunshot from right beside my ear swatted me back into reality—a very, **_very_** disconcerting reality—and I squeaked in surprise, causing everyone to look at me in confusion.

"What's the matter?" Goku asked with a grin, taking another swing at a posse of dry skeletons trying to climb into the jeep. They fell to pieces and released their hold, receding back into the crowd of corpses.

As I watched, the individual limbs and bones picked themselves up and reassembled, shouting silent injustice with shaking bony fists.

Nope. Not happening.

"Hey, quit making us do all the work!" Gojyo interrupted my observations. He was giving me a baffled look, clenching a cigarette firmly between his teeth so as to prevent further wasting of precious tobacco product.

I balked. "Er…actually…zombies kinda freak me out," I admitted lamely, scratching my head and looking anywhere but their faces.

"That's ridiculous," Konran snapped, earning an irritated glare from myself. "You kill things all the time in this realm. The only difference is that there's no moral high-horse here—they're already dead, so just destroy them."

I shuddered at the thought. "Dude, I can't even play Resident Evil 4 without all the lights on and the sound turned off and Blink-182's Enema of the State blaring from my stereo. This here, this is hell. _The Ring_ nearly made me wet myself!"

Now Sanzo was staring at me. "You're an idiot," was his simple response. He then returned to decimating the undead populace with round after round of ammo.

Konran sighed and dematerialized just his arm when a particularly avaricious corpse tried to drag him down off the jeep. In fact, every time one of them got near, they either suddenly decided that it wasn't such a great idea after all, or his threatened body part would do its voodoo vanishing trick. He frowned at me in disapproval, which made my brain shout a few choice obscenities at him for being so patronizing. "Lydia, you are a brilliant young lady, but sometimes you are just plain stupid."

"Excuse me? I'll kill you."

"Put that rage to better use and help get these creatures out of the way. The crowd up ahead is far too thick for the jeep to take us through, and at that point we go on foot."

I stared. I stared for a very long time, before finding my voice where it had hidden itself away in a closet under a quilt and a bunch of old winter coats. "Are you **_insane?_** I'm not walking through that! No! N-**_NO!_**"

"Yes, you are," the monk growled from behind his gun. In an instant, three more zombies crumbled to dust against the power of that tiny weapon.

I pointed at the god. "Ass-hat has to carry me, then, 'cause I'm not going of my own volition."

Konran chuckled a little bit ominously, "That can be arranged, though I do wonder if you really want to be so _close_ to me."

"You're an ass."

"Yeah! Take that, ya stinky dead guy!" Goku shouted at a zombie that had tried to shimmy up the pole to get to us. He had effectively removed any and all shimmying capabilities it may have possessed. The monkey was oblivious to the argument, that lucky chimp.

The jeep began to slow down, and my panic level rose to a record high. Even my brain could only repeat the same thing over and over: _Keep driving. Don't stop. Keep driving. Don't stop. Keep driving. Don't stop. Keep driving. Don't stop… _

"No, I mean it, guys!" I begged. "I can't do this! Kon, please!"

The jeep came to a halt and the crowding bodies descended upon us, kept at bay by the wide swings of Goku and Gojyo's weapons. Sanzo kept control of the close-range stuff while Hakkai prepared a chi-blast to wipe out the path ahead.

"We have to go now!" Hakkai announced, standing up and taking aim with the glowing ball of light.

"Lydia, get up **_NOW!_**" Konran shouted, grabbing my arm before I could react and yanking me out of the vehicle. The moment I tried to scramble back in, it turned back into Hakuryu, and he fluttered up into the air to avoid the groping bones and rotting hands hungry for white meat.

I screamed—a flat-out, terror-stricken, utterly pansy scream—when a long-dead youkai corpse with one halt-eaten eye and greasy dripping strips for skin grabbed my right arm. Before I even knew what I was doing, my left hand tore from Konran's grip and flashed behind me to whip Ryushi out of the sheath, slashing forward and shredding the revolting thing into several dozen pieces.

Once it was effectively down for the count—though it certainly was making an effort to prove my judgment wrong—I calmed down enough to take a brief assessment of the situation.

I discovered three important factors:

One, these zombies were mostly just skeletons. The few with enough meat on their bones to do heavy lifting seemed to have concentrated around the blue glowing object at the hub of the round, craterlike formation which Chitsujo had selected for this final showdown. Ergo, at present, I didn't have to worry much about zombies wielding giant swords or chainsaws. Video games were soooo warping my sense of reality.

Two, they weren't that bright. They didn't seem to even notice when a limb or two got severed off, and when faced with an enemy who possessed a clear advantage, they lacked the common sense to turn tail and head for safety.

And three, Ryushi was happy. The sword loved the idea of having so much cannon fodder to sharpen itself upon. Not only that, but the quiet corner of my mind was stirring again, letting my violent half peer through the holes in my armor to see the bounty before them. They **_wanted_** to wade out into the middle and attack for the fun of it all.

Konran touched my shoulder lightly. "Are you okay?"

I shrugged his hand off and stepped away. "No, but now I'm mad, and that's good enough."

Goku and the cockroach fell back toward the group as Hakkai's chi blast wiped out all the zombies for a hundred yards ahead with a deafening shockwave, and stood on either side of me in camaraderie.

The monkey laughed excitedly and grabbed my hand, yoinking me along behind the two parents of the posse. "C'mon! Sanzo'll leave us if we don't hurry!"

"You're—having—way too—much—fun!" I complained, straining to simultaneously run and breathe in the presence of a thousand noxious rotting corpses. Goku was enjoying this too much to notice, Gojyo didn't seem bothered, and I had the irritating suspicion that Konran didn't have to breathe at all if he didn't feel like it.

"Aw, you'll be fine!" Goku assured me, letting go to spring into the air and club three more zombies that had taken it upon themselves to halt our progress. "It's easier than fightin' youkai!"

"Or are you just scared?" Gojyo taunted with a wry grin, effortlessly slashing through a dozen enemies with one swing of the blade.

"Grrr…outta my way!" I snapped at a corpse wearing ancient armor and carrying a light sword. I swung down hard, only to be blocked by an upstroke. The shock rattled my teeth and pushed me another inch toward losing it, and in a flash I used the momentum to push off to one side and sideswipe him, gashing him through the middle and spilling what used to be intestines on the ground.

"Nice," Gojyo chuckled, elbowing a skeleton in the bony bridge of its nose and knocking its head off.

"Gross!" I cried, squeamish again and scrambling behind Konran for safety as we ran through the press of bodies.

The god sighed, reached back, and drew me up to run beside him, holding my arm to keep me from hiding at the back again. "Lydia, I understand your reluctance, but you told me that I could count on you," he whispered, too quietly for the others to hear through the guttural cries of dying dead. "Stop playing. I'm useless in the state I'm in. Do you want this world to die?"

I scowled. "No…"

"Then go do what your darkest instincts whisper in your ear." He murmured something in ancient Latin and let go, then fell behind a bit, and without warning planted his heel the small of my back and shoved me forward into a gaggle of congregating soldier corpses.

"Augh! Konran you ass!" I shouted before slamming against the nearest body. It staggered, shot me a resentful glare, and raised its spear to stab through my head.

_Foolish child_, the coldest voice groaned in my head, as though the sound of creaking glaciers had gotten trapped in its vocal cords. I froze in fear, realizing which one had spoken, and what Konran had done.

BLOODLUST.

"No!" I shouted on instinct, rolling out of the spear's way and rushing to my feet. "I can't!"

"You have to!" Konran growled, standing over me as a dark mist, intangible to the corpses attempting to rend him apart. "I need that power! Kougaiji is near and without me the plan is useless!"

The zombie hissed an unintelligible curse and tore the embedded spear from the fluid-soaked earth, lunging at me again. I ducked under the shaft and hooked his ribcage as he streaked past, shredding his organs and bones apart. He fell to the dirt in a gory heap, twitching and still trying to attack me.

Up ahead, the bodies were denser, closing in on the guys the moment they destroyed the ones nearby. This was bad. The reanimations were weak, but in such massive numbers the party could tire before ever reaching the middle of the field.

"Kon…you realize that once I let that one out, she won't stop until nothing is left alive, don't you?"

"It's been nine years, but that's not so long for me," he replied curtly. "I remember."

A zombie grabbed Hakkai by the throat and tried to drag him down into the masses, but Sanzo shot it three times in the head and Gojyo sliced it to ribbons. The healer looked exhausted from using so much chi to blast through the crowd.

I stared hard at the god, shaking slightly at the thought of what I was about to do. "If anything happens to them, I'm blaming you. I already blame you for Yumoa. I know he's not dead, but I'm sure he's in pain. I'll never forgive you if they get hurt."

He frowned. "Lydia, don't you trust me at all?"

To my surprise, I laughed—a cold, harsh sound…I was cracking. "Just swear that you'll stop me. Kill me if you have to, but stop me when it's over."

A pained look flickered in his eyes, but he nodded anyway. "Very well," he whispered, flashing apart in a cloud of darkness and breezing ahead on the wind.

I cursed loudly and bashed a groping zombie to the ground, tearing it apart before it could touch me.

"Mom, Dad, forgive me," I muttered, unlocking the cage.

* * *

**_(Ground Zero—Aerial View)_**

"_Oh, no," Yaone murmured as the two dragons descended from the clouds, revealing a bird's-eye view of an army worthy of hell. "So this is why they brought the generator so far from the castle?"_

"_I guess with all the dead soldiers buried on castle grounds, it was only the prudent thing to do," Kougaiji replied with a troubled expression. "If Konran's plan works, then this isn't much trouble, but if not…"_

"_We're in for a rough time," Dokugakuji finished for him._

"_Yes, it seems that way."_

_Lirin let out a whoop of barely-contained excitement. "Yeah! We're gonna go see Baldy and Lydia! I wonder if Yumoa's comin' too."_

_Her brother and Dokugaku exchanged worried looks. This was going to be rough in more ways than one. They would have to wait until after the battle to tell her._

_Yaone saw the exchange, and suddenly she understood why Kougaiji had been so troubled. Something must have happened to Yumoa. She wanted to ask, but Couldn't with Lirin nearby—she was the one most likely to throw a fit._

"_There they are," she announced instead, pointing to a bare patch in the carpet of bodies. In the middle, several figures could be seen fighting hard and keeping the zombies far back enough to let them make slow but steady progress. They were doing well under the circumstances, but with such overwhelming forces the army could converge as one any time and crush them._

"_We need to hurry," the Prince urged, digging his heels into the dragon's hide and bringing it into a steep dive. "Come on!"_

_Yaone and Dokugaku followed right behind on the second dragon, the four of them plummeting from the sky at ridiculous speeds. The ground hurtled upwards, threatening a messy death, but at the last possible second the animals leveled of, braked and hovered over the group of fighters._

_Sanzo shot a zombie twice in the head and once in the heart, and scowled up at them as it fell. "Took you damn long enough! Were you waiting for a formal invitation?"_

_Kougaiji's eye twitched in irritation at the ungrateful priest. "You should be glad we decided to help you. Otherwise you'd be dead."_

_He snorted derisively. "Save it for when you actually do something useful."_

_The Prince saw that he was being baited, so he ignored it. Instead, he motioned for Yaone and Dokugakuji to follow him down. _

"_Wait, what about me?" Lirin demanded._

"_Lirin, you stay at a safe distance. Take care of the dragons for us."_

"_What? No way! Lydia, I can come, right?" She turned hopefully to the other girl, only to find her staring at sheer emptiness. "Lydia? You okay?"_

_She stood still and silent, listlessly holding Ryushi as the mob of bodies pressed in on her. Her eyes were focused on nothing in particular, perhaps a point of air some fifty yards away._

_One of the zombies hacked a laugh and reached out to take her arm—only to have it drop to the ground, severed cleanly at the elbow. The monster watched its arm fall, then screamed and attacked full-on, taking only one step before falling apart at the seams._

_Lydia still hadn't moved._

_Lirin stared in fear. "Oh, no…what happened?"_

_Goku back-flipped over the zombies' heads and skidded to a halt amongst the stragglers. "C'mon, guys! Konran's way up there already! He's waitin'!" Then he saw Lydia too, and blinked. "Uh, oh…so **that's** why Konran's all strong now. Thought that was kinda weird."_

_The Princess didn't understand. "What happened? Why's she acting like this?" She started to follow the other three off the dragons, but then Lydia finally moved and she froze in place._

"_Lirin…" she murmured, slowly looking up at the girl. Her eyes had no light in them—just utter nothingness, as though her soul had been sucked out. If anything, there was coldness. "Please leave. I don't want you to see me like this…"_

"_Like what?" Lirin demanded._

_Another zombie exploded when it got to close—she didn't even flinch. She blinked slowly and turned to walk away towards where Konran had gone. "Hungry," she whispered._

_Lirin shuddered. "Ummm…I guess I'll stay with the dragons then…but you guys better come back!" She shook a fist at her brother and the others, then spurred the dragon upwards, leading the second one close behind by the reins._

_Kougaiji watched her go and sighed, relieved that she was going to obey for once. He turned to Yaone and Dokugakuji. "I need to get up to where Konran. It may take some time to prepare the spell."_

"_It won't take that long," muttered Gojyo, tossing down a spent cigarette and frowning after Lydia, who was headed straight for Konran's location far ahead. "They're both at their best—and their worst. Konran seems okay with handling his dark half, but Lydia's completely gone."_

_Kougaiji narrowed his lavender eyes and turned to Sanzo. "You mean she's not blocking Konran's power anymore? But she's like a wildcat when she does that. Before you came to Konran's hideout, she tried to kill him for real."_

_Sanzo just shrugged slightly. "Not my problem. Konran's the one in charge of her, not me, and he's just here to clean up the mess he made." One of the zombies had the unmitigated audacity to leap out of the hesitating crowd and grab Sanzo's gun arm, and one sutra later it was nothing more than dust. As soon as the light died down, he turned to follow the god's path. Understandably, the sea of reanimations parted down the middle, not unlike Moses escaping Egypt._

_(A/N: Unfortunately, no one from Lydia's realm saw this bizarre occurrence, and doubts as to the monk's true holiness persisted throughout the remainder of this fanfic.)_

"_Better go catch Konran," Gojyo prodded Kougaiji's group, trailing after Sanzo._

_Goku was right behind him. "Yeah, he's been waitin' a while."_

_Only Hakkai remained behind, watching the other three go and apparently catching his breath. He looked worse-off than the other three after using so much energy to get this far, and once they were out of earshot he looked over to the others. "You have to realize that what Konran has forced Lydia to do is to basically lock her soul away. Her morals are gone. I would advise against getting too close to her—it seems her chi has organized itself into a deadly barrier._

"_Also, before I forget, Konran is on edge as well. He's mostly worried about Lydia, but I think he may also be struggling with the circumstances. We should go through with this as quickly as possible." He smiled tightly. "The zombies are weak, but they do have massive numbers. I'm glad you all made it safely."_

_Dokugakuji chuckled and cast a wary glance around at the advancing army. "I get the feeling that what we just went through was the easy part."_

_He managed a soft laugh, concentrating his chi for another blast into the reformed crowd. "Probably."_

_The three of them chased at some distance to avoid the debris from the chi blasts, and after a thought, Yaone moved between the other two and cleared her throat hesitantly. "Lord Kougaiji, did something happen?"_

_Kougaiji's gait shifted slightly, but not by much. "What kind of something?"_

_She frowned and concentrated on skipping over the scattered and rotting limbs. "What happened to Yumoa? Every time he came up, you avoided the subject entirely and got that worried look."_

_This time Dokugakuji's stride changed, and she turned to him for answers._

"_Well? If it's something you want kept from Lady Lirin, then it must be something serious."_

"_It is," Dokugakuji admitted quietly, glancing over at the Prince._

_He nodded. "He was helping us find the artifact, and when we were ambushed Yumoa was stabbed…he's dead."_

_Yaone gasped and nearly tripped over a severed leg. "Oh, no! But Lady Lirin will so upset! She was looking forward to playing more of those games he brought from his realm. Are you sure he's really gone?"_

_The Prince nodded gravely. "His heart wasn't beating and he wasn't breathing—both things he did while alive. He's dead all right."_

"_Sure, he could be annoying, but he was such a nice guy," Doku muttered._

_Kougaiji sighed. "I don't envy the person who has to tell the others, but for now we have a job to do. We should save this Yumoa issue for after, especially since our mistakes could completely get rid of the need ot tell everyone."_

_The other two nodded assent, and the three sped up to catch Konran. There was only so much time and it was counting down fast.

* * *

_

**_(Houtou Castle—Hwan's Lab)_**

_She should have been irritated at the fact that the other two had escaped so easily—those guards were so incompetent it was embarrassing—but couldn't find the heart to stay annoyed. After all, she had captured the god without a hitch._

_Yumoa lay prone on the steel table, frowning slightly as though having a bad dream. The dagger's hilt still protruded from his chest like a movie prop—so little blood that it was hard to believe he had been stabbed at all. The harsh halogen lamp overhead cast him in an ethereal light, enhancing the physical qualities that marked his god-status—the snowy hair and tan skin, the unearthly glow he gave off in the presence of such bright illumination. For the first time in a long time, Hwan found herself smiling._

_At last, she had what she needed, and all that research had paid in full. Lady Koushu would be mightily impressed when she discovered the doctor's pet project._

_But first things first._

_After taking a syringe and a vial of clear fluid from the cabinet, Hwan approached the table and prepared the drug as per instructions. Then she pushed his long black silk sleeve up his arm. The inner layer of his shirt was crimson—how could he stand the heat in two layers of silk? _

_She shook the thought out of her mind and pressed the tip into the vein, injecting the drug until it was completely gone. _

"_There," she murmured with a smile, setting the vial and syringe on the tray and proceeding to remove the dagger. With a bit of force the razor-sharp knife slid out of his chest, making an unsettling slurping noise as it went. She set that aside as well, and waited._

_At first there was nothing, and she wondered if perhaps the dagger's legend was a tad more powerful than the books had told her, but then his bare foot twitched, then his arm, and suddenly he jerked upright with a pained cry._

"_Qwie! Owie, owie, owieeee!" he whined, clutching at the wound and grimacing. His fiery eyes spotted Hwan and he frowned even more. "Hwan, you meanie! You stabbed me! What was that for? And how come I died? That's whack! I can't die! No fair! **Cheater!**"_

_She flipped the switch on the console beside her and folded her arms, unmoved by his indignant cries. "You're a nuisance. And not just that—you also drugged me and stole information from me. And not just **that**—you also left me unconscious in the presence of that **monster** Ni Jianyi."_

"_But…but…" Tears filled his glowing eyes so instantaneously that Hwan had to fight her flinch reflex. _

_The next moment he was crying uncontrollably, "I'm sorry! I **had** to do it! You put my uncle in that machine and he's gonna kill all my friends. And I hate being alone 'cause Kon's always going all evil and stuff, Higeki never plays house or Twister, and Chitsu hates everything!" He raised his tear-streaked face to look at her with shining eyes. "Please forgive me? I just didn't wanna lose my friends…and now there's a **stab wound** in my chest!" He picked at his shirt and stared down the neck, pouting at the neat slit just above his heart. "Man…I never heal as fast as Kon…this sucks."_

"_Shut up," Hwan sighed impatiently, lifting her chin and letting the light glint off her lenses. "There's no way I can allow you to leave. You'll just hinder our plans to revive Gyumaoh. Do you hear that humming noise? The generator has been activated, and the machines are channeling the energy into the sealed Lord as we speak. Soon he will rise and I'll be free."_

_The spunky god pointed a shaking finger at the Doctor. "Ha! You can't keep me all locked up! I'm a god! I can go anytime I want. And what's up with that dagger anyway? How'd you get it to knock me out?"_

_She smirked slightly and calmly seated herself in the computer chair, facing the table and just beyond the lamplight's circle of brightness. "It is an artifact from ancient times, said to possess the power to stop even the gods. Its magic put you into an instant hibernation, where even your pulse and breathing were halted."_

_Puzzlement filled his eyes. "Huh? Wow, that's new. I gotta tell Kon about that one. He probably already sensed that my vital signs were gone. I don't want him worrying about me. I'll come by later to check on ya, okay?" With a sudden grin he hopped down from the table, took three steps toward the edge of the light's pool, and stopped. "Wait…hey! How come I can't keep going?" He put his fists on his hips and frowned at the edge of darkness as though it had defiled his lawn._

_The Doctor held up the empty vial. "I prepared this in case you decided to resist. It's a combination of radioactive elements mixed with a special potion made from sacred lotus extract and moonflower. As long as you are surrounded by darkness, you are trapped under that lamp."_

_He frowned. "Heyyy…that's mean. It's not nice to be mean, ya know."_

"_I have no intention of being nice to you, Yumoa."_

"_Then what **are** your intentions?" He smirked and raised an eyebrow._

"_To keep you out of the way. If you cause trouble, or irritate me, I'll stab you again." She was not in the mood for more male-ego shenanigans._

_He gasped and covered his chest protectively, which appeared to Hwan as though he were a little girl fearing exposure—instantly negating her prior thought. "No! No stabby! I'll be good, I swear! Just quit stabbin' me!"_

_Her brows rose. "I only did it once."_

_His lips pursed. "So? Still hurt."_

"_You're an idiot."_

"_Ah, but I'm a cute idiot." He smirked again and posed, stroking his chin in sophistication._

_She blinked, began a rebuttal, thought better of it, and simply walked away._

_Yumoa frowned, eyes wide. "Hey! You can't leave me all alone! I don't like being alone! Hwan! I think I feel sick! Maybe I have radiation poisoning!" His pleas fell on deaf ears, and after half an hour he gave up, sitting morosely on the steel table with his chin in his hand, wondering how he was going to escape this predicament.

* * *

_

**_(The Heavens)_**

_Things were finally nearing a close. The lower world hung in the balance between existence and obliteration. Of all the mishaps that could occur down there, the Merciful Goddess knew that Chitsujo's plan was likely the most thorough manner by which to destroy the world._

_Ultimate Order—ultimate nothingness. She found it fascinating that Lydia's realm would allow for any deity with that much power. In these Heavens, power was purely relative—immortality the supreme overstatement._

_She was witnessing the clash of two worlds here. She couldn't allow herself to be detained for any reason whatsoever. It was essential that she sit and watch history play out and discover whether or not existence would continue._

"_Jiroshin?" she inquired of her companion._

_He frowned, blinked, and slowly looked to her, knowing for certain that she was either going to say something offensive to the Heavenly code of customs or suggest something utterly insane._

"_Yes, Kanzeon Bosatsu?" he replied guardedly._

_She smirked. "Go make me some popcorn."

* * *

_

**(_Author's Note)_**

_At 4 AM, everything's beautiful…_

_ugh…I want some cookies._

_Guess what? YUMOA NEVER DIED! (insert evil maniacal sadistic laughter here)_

_I apologize for updating two days late. I was attacked by Writers' Block about three-quarters of the way through, and resorted to drawing—which actually paid off, 'cause once my scanner gets the damn ink it wants so bad (won't work otherwise, for some reason) I'll be posting one or two more pictures on my profile page. But I'm okay now. (sigh) It's almost over!_

—_Cyh Scævola, the Chaos Theoryst OUT_


	30. Chaos: Summoning Essence o Entropy

**The Irony Gods: Chapter 30

* * *

**

_**(Author's Note)**_

_The next chapter is the final chapter. (Perhaps followed by an Epilogue, but I'm not sure yet.) This one gets kind of deep, but Yumoa's back, so all is well in the land of sheer madness. Sorry it's so late, but I've been wracking my uncooperative mental processes for the proper way to end this, and a week ago I got my writing hand pretty badly burnt in a hot oil incense incident. Oh, and Calculus is the epitome of all evil._

_**Quote(s) of the Day:** "I'm fairly certain that there's medication for whatever the hell is wrong with you."—Cyh Scævola_

* * *

**_Chaos: Summoning Essence-o-Entropy_** 1 

HATE is a powerful emotion. Of all emotions, it most resembles LOVE in its intensity and destructive power. Both drive us to do stupid things—both take away common sense and replace it with banana pudding. Throughout history, great people have fallen and risen due to the endless drive of these emotions alone.

However, there is something far more dangerous and destructive than either. It erases emotion entirely and replaces it with nothing but an unbearable hunger. Right and wrong cease to have meaning, and reason loses all bearing. The already ill-defined line between sanity and insanity blurs beyond recognition.

Life and death become synonymous, and the voracious animal buried within the human spirit steps forward to devour everything in its path, be it friend or foe.

This is the true meaning of BLOODLUST.

It is cold when you are trapped inside your own head, watching in horror as you realize that the people you called "friends" are now among the ones you would normally see as cattle sent to the slaughter.

The heretical comedy plays out before you, apathetic towards your pain and rejection.

Konran did a stupid thing, saying that spell.

* * *

_**(Apex)**_

_Higeki watched the dead rise from their graves with empty eyes. The power of the generator had already drawn her under its thrall, pulsing to the rhythm of life and death and radiating a specific type of energy which would be collected in Houtou Castle and transferred to the machines to revive Gyumaoh. Ákùmu's power had reached half its full strength, and grew steadily, setting the completion ETA at around four hours._

_Considering the immensity of the crater, it was unlikely that the opposition would reach the generator in time to put a stop to everything, but she couldn't help but hope. _

_Hope was previously unknown to Tragedy—it felt bizarre and…special. She was so accustomed to allowing the winds of fate and the sands of time decide what the path would be, but now she had doubts as to whether or not this was the way to go. Was this how Yumoa could be so cheerful all the time? Was his childlike demeanor and bottomless pit of simplistic reasoning merely the result of his eternal hope?_

_Thinking of him made her chest hurt. Without Yumoa to complete the Sentience side of the Irony God branch, she would lose her status as a goddess as well has her only living relative._

_Gods did die, but not like this. This was wrong. This went against everything she had ever learned._

"_Just accept the reality of it," Chitsujo said tonelessly from the computer console regulating the generator's output. "Once this world destroys itself, I will clean up Konran's ultimate mess. Order and rigidity will reign supreme over the people of this world, and there they will find their peace."_

"_Peace…" Again, she was not so sure. "Was Yumoa's death in your plans, cousin?"_

"_I took it into account as a possibility in my calculations. Your brother is the most troublesome of you three."_

You three_. This was how she addressed the others. This had always been how she addressed the others. Higeki could see now that Chitsujo had been preparing for this day to come for nigh on eternity. There was no unity in her mind. She saw herself as the rectifier of all things—thus was Order's purpose, to organize the Chaos of nature into something better-defined._

_Higeki stepped to the edge of the small mesa in the center of the crater. It was such an ideal setting for this final showdown. Slowly, she lowered herself to the ground and sat facing the opposition to Chitsujo's plan. She was a pawn. Konran was a pawn. Lydia was a pawn. The Sanzo party and Kougaiji's group were no more than a fly in the ointment. And Yumoa…was expendable…_

_For the first time in a thousand years, she cried._

* * *

_**(Hwan's Laboratory)**_

"…_three hundred fifteen thousand, nine hundred twenty-seven bottles of root beer on the wall; three hundred fifteen thousand, nine hundred twenty-seven bottles of root beer—take one down, pass it around; three hundred fifteen thousand, nine hundred twenty-seven bottles of root beer on the wall…no…wait. Three hundred fifteen thousand, nine hundred twenty-**six** bottles of root beer…"_

_For Comedy, two hours alone in a pool of light surrounded by darkness was worse than fifteen years stranded on a desert island with no friends other than a volleyball named Voit and a radioactive talking coconut named George. In fact, if he were willing to say the "bad words" he would willingly compare it to a lovely vacation in Hell._

_Of course, he was adamantly against the saying of "bad words" and judiciously punished himself via game-deprivation whenever one slipped out. He had his own warped version of PRIDE, and felt a mild irritation toward Konran for being such a negative influence. Of course, Sanzo said lots more bad things than Kon…_

"_Waaaah!" he cried suddenly, curling into fetal position and hugging himself on the cold steel table. "I wanna go home! Kon! Lydia! Higeki! Lirin! **BOB!** HELP MEEEE!"_

"_Oh, shut up. You never stop making noise, do you?" demanded Hwan, finally returning after running a complete analysis of the generator's progress. They were about a fifth of the way through—it would take time, but was so much quicker than sending the Prince out to retrieve all the scriptures._

_Yumoa went from despair to hope in the time it takes an electron to jump orbitals. (A/N: That's pretty damn fast.)_

"_Hwan! I missed you! Please let me out! I swear I'll be a good boy and wait 'til you tell me I can leave! I just can't stand being alone like this!" His eyes teared up and expanded, and his entire body transformed into something that looked suspiciously like a rice dumpling with chubby limbs. He knew better than anyone from his realm how to manipulate anime physics. _

_The dumpling hopped down from the table and waddled over to the edge of the light barrier, gazing up at the Doctor in earnest. "Pleeeeease?"_

_Hwan stared at Yumoa's enormous tear-filled eyes, and suddenly felt a disturbingly powerful urge to hug the thing. She steeled herself and said what she had come to say:_

"_I was already planning to let you out. The light will only extend to my lab. No noise, no idiocy, and no more turning into whatever the hell you are right now, understood?"_

_**(POUF!)**_

"_Okie dokie!" He was back to normal six-foot human proportions, grinning like an idiot with no clue as to how bad a situation he was in. He did a little pirouette and spread his arms wide, apparently intent on giving her a hug._

_Hwan sighed and adjusted her glasses, using her hair as a shield to protect herself from his waves of happy-go-lucky fatuousness. "Don't you dare touch me."_

"_Meep!" His arms dropped in an instant and he pouted, anxiously drawing them tight to his chest. "I'mma be good boy!"_

"_So typical that I always get trapped with the freaks…" She reached over and flipped the switch one level higher, illuminating the entire room in bright, sunny light._

"_Freak? Heyyyyyy, I'm not a freak…"—blink—"Sun lamps?" Yumoa inquired with an endearing tilt of his head and a childlike wonder in his glowing ember eyes. He hopped back on the table and sat swinging his bare feet back and forth, waiting for the Doctor's explanation. It was eerie that he could smile so perkily while seated upon a gurney used in Ni Jianyi's various atrocities._

"_They help while I'm stuck down here for days on end," she grumbled, walking toward the other end of the room and motioning for him to follow._

"_Ah, that's so smart! So you miss the sun? Why don't you go up there and see it once in a while?" He skipped down and trailed behind her like an overzealous puppy._

_She couldn't believe she was conversing with this moron, but in some corner of her mind she found it a bit more comforting than the outrage she experienced while dealing with the Professor. It was still irritating, but at least he wasn't being a perverted creep._

_She cringed in her mind at the thought of this one acting like Dr. Ni._

"_Ummm, Hwan?"_

_Wearing a cautious frown, she chanced a glance over her shoulder. Yumoa had his shoulders hunched defensively, as though he felt that what he was about to ask might make her want to smack him. She mentally reserved the right to do just that. "What do you want?"_

_He scratched his head. "Well…why are you here to begin with? Why don't you just go?" _

_He wore such an innocently beguiling expression that she responded without thinking, "I have no choice. They may kill me if I try to leave."_

"_Huh? That sucks."_

_She sweatdropped and turned away once more. He was certainly succinct. What an idiot—a painfully perceptive idiot. "It doesn't matter," she sighed, pushing her lenses up the bridge of her nose and pushing open the swinging double-doors to the rear lab. "Now. You are allowed this freedom for a price; you have to agree to become a test subject for one of my personal experiments."_

_Much to her surprise, he screamed and ran back out the doors, clawing at the air before him as though it were trying to hold him back. It took a moment for her to register his incoherent screech, but when she did, and turned to glare at his retreating back, she sprang into action and caught up to him at the wall of darkness._

"_Get back here!" she snapped, yanking him by the collar and dragging him back to the rear lab. "And keep the noise down! The Professor is returning soon, and Wang is around here somewhere—I'm not sure where."_

_He sobbed into his hands while being dragged, having reverted instinctively to a tiny chibified version of himself, "But I dun wanna be your 'xperiment! I dun wanna ba violated!"_

_She froze, and slowly turned her head to gape at him. "Violated?"_

_He nodded and sniffed like a frightened child. "Kon says that anyone who tries to kidnap me is a bad person who's gonna wanna violate me! An' I'm always a good boy, and I just **know** you're a good person, Dr. Hwan! Please don't do it!"_

"_That's…"—a laugh escaped her before she could stop it—"the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in my life!" She was laughing so hard at this point that she let go of him and he fell back to the hard stone with a muffled thud. Upon pain, he popped back to normal._

"_Owie…" He rubbed his head and frowned at her. "What's so funny?"_

"_You're such an idiot," she muttered, stifling the near-hysterical laughter and composing herself once more. "I'm not going to do anything like **that** to you. I'm not like Ni."_

_This confused poor Comedy, and in a flash he was again two feet tall with chubby limbs, tiny black eyes, and the most vacantly baffled expression imaginable. "But…Kon said…"_

"_Well, he wasn't referring to me," she interrupted, offering a hand. "I've just been working on some god theories, and you're the only god available. As a scientist, I cannot allow you to leave before I complete my research."_

_He pouted and turned the shiny beady little eyes on her. "And how long's that gonna take?" he inquired in childlike fashion._

"_Just a few hours. It's very quick, and if you don't give me trouble I might let you out early."_

_He lit up and popped back into normal form—again—with stars and hearts fluttering around him like butterflies—from which she recoiled due to the fact that she was in full possession of all her faculties. "Really? **Yay!** Let's go do some experiments!"_

_She sighed and brought him back to the lab, locking the doors behind them to keep nosy intruders out._

_It was just too easy._

* * *

_**(Ground Zero)**_

_Kougaiji, Dokugakuji, and Yaone ran as quickly as they could to catch Konran, who was almost to the tightly-packed final ring of complete zombies wielding a variety of heavy, dangerous, pointy weapons. The situation seemed only to thicken as they gained ground on the hurried god, as it quickly became apparent that the closer one came to the chi generator, the better the reanimations became. Even while they ran, more dead erupted from the sandy floor of the crater and grew meat and skin on long-dead bones._

"_This is insane!" Dokugakuji shouted in protest when an immense, Neanderthal-esque youkai zombie leapt into his path brandishing an iron-plated spiked club. He strafed to the side and swept his sword across the monster's throat as the lumbering creature stumbled past on reforming legs. A spurt of unpleasant black fluid gushed from the grinning wound, but barely made the thing even hesitate before whipping around to smash the club into Dokugaku's back._

_Yaone caught sight of the creature's intent and acted on instinct, taking out a few of her strongest explosives and throwing them hard at its feet. The explosion was enough to disintegrate not just the monster, but several of the surrounding zombies as well, clearing some of the path ahead for their chase._

"_Thanks," chuckled the swordsman, smiling sheepishly. "It's been a while since our last group fight that wasn't against the Sanzo party."_

_She smiled tightly, her eyes focused ahead on their Prince. "It has. I just hope we aren't too late."_

"_Yaone! Dokukaguji! Hurry!" Kougaiji called, already a good ten meters ahead._

_For the most part, it wasn't so difficult to weave through the confused mass of bloodthirsty zombies. Despite their strength of numbers and weaponry, they still lacked the finely honed skills of the three born fighters, and whenever one of the monsters managed to get under one's guard, another was perfectly capable of covering the other's back. The only real problem was time. The generator had been on for two hours at least, and they couldn't afford to waste any more precious time fighting off zombies._

_After battling their way through the crowd for a while, they at last caught up to Konran, who had reached the three-quarter mark between where they had started and the center of the crater where the chi generator awaited them._

_Upon their approach an armor-clad zombie raised an immense axe over his head from behind just as he turned to greet them, but before they could shout their warnings, his eyes flashed brilliantly and he flew apart like a cloud of coal dust. They stared in surprise when the dust formed into strands that whipped through the chinks in the armor, slashing the monster apart before the axe ever fell._

_While the god reformed before the three onlookers, the zombie's body collapsed in pieces, too badly damaged to ever get up again._

"_Impressive," Kougaiji commented warily, his gaze switching from the incapacitated zombie to the god._

_Konran seemed dazed yet intensely focused, and replied slowly, "Yes, but that's not necessarily a good thing. Any more and Lydia won't be able to revert back. Do you have the artifact?"_

_The prince nodded once and withdrew the small box from inside his vest. "Yumoa said that this was it."_

_He stared at the box for a moment, then held out his hand. "I take it you were there when he passed on?" His voice remained carefully controlled._

_Kougaiji frowned and nodded once more, handing the object over without argument. "Yes. It happened too quickly to stop."_

"_I always figured that idiot would die by my hand…or at least by some other form of betrayal." When he took the box, the pressure in the air fluctuated for a split moment, and the approaching zombies suddenly stopped in their tracks and turned away, as though they had forgotten what exactly they were doing._

"_It was sort of a betrayal," Doku murmured. "Doctor Hwan was the one who did it."_

_A sudden ripple moved through the earth with Konran as the epicenter, and he turned his phosphorescent gaze on Dokugakuji. "Hwan? The one working with Ni on the Revival Project?"_

"_Er…well, yeah."_

"_Oh, that's not good. Bad. Very, very bad!" He slapped a hand to his forehead, and his general dismay shredded the nearest zombies into tattered strips. With so much more power than he was used to, it seemed that he was having a bit of difficulty restraining it. Had the circumstances not been so dire, it might have been comical. But they were, so it wasn't. Lamentable indeed._

"_Why is that worse than his death itself?" Yaone wondered aloud._

_Konran paused for a second, then suddenly laughed. "Ah, I should trust her judgment more often."_

"_Huh? Whose?" Now Kougaiji was drawn into confusion._

_He laughed without warning, surprising all of them. "Lydia. My idiot cousin isn't dead. Hwan didn't kill him. Why would she when she needs one of us alive? Damn, and you have so many strange ancient objects floating around in that castle of yours that pinpointing even one is worse than picking seeds from cotton."_

"_Uh, I suppose what you just said makes sense to you, but we were there," the Prince asserted. "His heart stopped."_

_Chaos waved the assertion away with a careless gesture of his hand and popped the lid open on the box, taking a peek inside. The red glow flashed amber in his eyes as he studied it carefully, but dimmed substantially when he reached in and took out the tiny, egg-shaped ruby caught in an intricate web of wrought gold swirls. It was barely half the size of a ping-pong ball._

"_That's it, right?" Yaone asked hopefully. Despite the invisible line keeping the zombies away, she still couldn't help the unsettling feeling she got whenever they happened to look in their direction._

_The god smiled briefly and held it out to Kougaiji. "Yes. Now take this and use your powers to integrate it onto your left hand. Unlike the summoning spirits you use in your world, this won't have any negative side effects for you. It was sent here from my realm some time ago due to zoning laws in Tartarus."_

"_Zoning…laws?" (A/N: Apparently, zoning laws are the only thing standing between me and my moat, which would stand between my property and the neighbors' kids.)_

_Again, he waved the comment away. "Just integrate it. Since it is essentially the essential spirit of Chaos, it will form a direct link to my powers, drawing enough strength from Lydia and myself to completely disrupt the generator's system. And since Yumoa is absent at the moment, I suppose it will be my responsibility to rescue my uncle."_

"_Uncle?" Confusion was building exponentially in all of them. Gods were such a headache._

_The Prince recovered first, however, and set his expression to one of stern acceptance. "You provide the power and I'll summon, right?"_

"_Yes."_

_He gave a small, resigned laugh. "Then let's get this over with."_

* * *

_**(The Sanzo Party)**_

_While Kougaiji and his group took out the generator, it was the obligation of the other four to make sure that Lydia didn't get herself killed in the process of losing her sanity. This was easier said than done, as the girl seemed possessed by some vengeful denizen of the underworld, and zipped about erratically with no apparent purpose in mind other than the complete annihilation of all animated objects. (A/N: Seeing as how this is based on an animated show, one might suppose that she's attacking anything and everything, including trees and the ground. Picture this. Laugh…now read!)_

"_This is such a pain in the ass!" complained Gojyo, slicing and dicing through reanimated corpses like a flesh-and-blood Cuisinart. "She's just a kid! Someone please tell her that she shouldn't be able to hop around like that!"_

_Hakkai laughed tiredly, resting within a weak chi barrier for a few moments. "By that definition, Goku shouldn't be able to fight, either."_

"_That damn monkey is the only one dumb enough not to get tired in a situation like this," growled the priest, who was mere moments away from Makkai Tenjyo-ing everyone's ass and calling it a day. The only thing stopping him was Konran's suggestion that combining the divine forces of two separate realms might cause the two to merge into one super-dimension, effectively trapping Lydia and her gods in Togenkyo forever._

_Sanzo would not tolerate that, and therefore bore the exhaustion with his usual spartan flair. Just the mere thought of that bunch getting stuck with them in this realm was enough to make him want to eat a bullet._

"_Well, I suppose there is one good thing about this," Hakkai suggested with the usual pleasant smile._

"_What the hell could possibly be good about this?" the monk demanded, somewhat thrown off._

"_On the bright side, the enemy isn't yelling about the Maten Scripture and claiming that they'll kill us all."_

_While Gojyo passed he yelled to his friend, "Less annoying doesn't cut it for the good list!"_

"_Makes the cut on my list," muttered Sanzo, delivering a powerful kick to the side of a zombie's head while taking out five more with the banishing gun. He kept his boot planted hard on the creature's head while he reloaded, then shot it dead before following the ape further toward where Lydia was presently mimicking The Matrix. (A/N: Don't own The Matrix, either. It's still goofy, though.)_

_Goku reached her first, and was forced to dodge a low sweep of Ryushi's barbed edge as Lydia ripped open yet another zombie. All they had to do was guard her in case any of the monsters got cute and tried to eat her brains or something equally cliché and improbable. The only problem with this plan was the fact that close proximity to living, breathing beings seemed only to send her further into the depths of her madness. It took three more close sweeps of the blade before Goku realized that she was targeting **him** now._

"_Hey!" he protested upon realization. "Lydia, I'm not the bad guy!" He blocked another swipe with the shaft of his _nyoi-bo_, catching it on the barb._

_Her expression remained sharp and animalistic as she unhooked Ryushi and charged again, feinting left and coming in hard on the right, but Goku saw it coming, and back-flipped out of the way in time to swing the cudgel down over his head and use it to pole vault back over to where Gojyo, Sanzo, and Hakkai had stopped to watch._

"_Aren't ya gonna help me?!" he demanded of his companions, disbelieving that they would leave him to beat his friend alone._

_Gojyo laughed and lit up. "Oh, no way I'm gettin' tangled up in that shit. 'Sides, I wanna see the monkey and the kitty fight it out. His is real entertainment right here."_

_Seeing that the cockroach was useless, Goku turned his imploring gaze on Hakkai and Sanzo. "Please? I don't wanna fight Lydia!"_

"_Shut up and go handle the situation," growled the monk. "It's not my problem…unless you're too weak?" The last was a question meant to bait the young heretic._

_His indignation was complete. "What?! Nuh-uh! She can't beat me! Even if she's all crazy an' stuff."_

_Sanzo quirked an eyebrow and put on a cruel smirk. "Then what was that just now? She was kicking your ass, monkey."_

_Goku growled, whipped back around, and stomped back toward the battleground. "Quit callin' me monkey. I'll show you."_

_After a short observation of the set to Goku's retreating shoulders, Hakkai turned to Sanzo with a sigh. "Wasn't that a little harsh? He probably feels terrible attacking his friend, even if she is currently out of control."_

_Sanzo closed his eyes and took a drag of his cigarette. "He'll get into it at some point. That ape never was smart enough to stick to his decisions. Besides, it's about time he got a taste of his own medicine." Unfortunately, his revelry was abruptly cut short by a sharp slap to his back, compliments of an exuberant Gojyo. He choked on the smoke, twitched, and turned a murderous glare on the kappa._

"_Good one, Master Sanzo!" the redhead grinned, folding his arms across his chest and chuckling. "This should be fun to see..."—**Cha-KLIK**—"…right?" His smile faded, and slowly he turned to come face to face with the muzzle of the banishing gun._

"_Don't **ever** touch me, you goddamn cockroach," seethed the monk._

"_H-hey! Watch that thing!" Gojyo jumped behind Hakkai for protection._

_Satisfied that he had instilled a fair amount of terror on the half-breed, Sanzo lowered the weapon and turned back to watch the monkey and the stray fighting as hard as they were capable of at a safe enough distance from the other three._

"_Well, I admit that the break is nice. I'm exhausting my chi as it is," their healer murmured with a soft laugh, scratching the back of his neck in mild embarrassment. "I suppose that's a horrible thing to say, though."_

"_I'm more worried about how Kougaiji and Konran are doing," admitted Gojyo, frowning in the general direction of the crater's center. "If they screw it up, we're all done for."_

"_If they screw it up, **they're** done for," growled the priest, glaring at the distant electric blue glow of the generator. "I don't think Kougaiji's that stupid, but I have my doubts about the god."_

"_Once betrayed the resentment remains, eh?" sighed Hakkai._

_Sanzo frowned. "No. I just don't trust the gods in general."_

* * *

_**(Ákùmu/Akhlys) **(A/N: Ákùmu in Togenkyo; Akhlys in Lydia's realm—same being)_

_The call of the deceased was a powerful sensation, as though his very soul were being drawn from flesh and scattered across the horizon, touching on every spirit's consciousness and granting the gift of a second chance. This was the purpose of his existence, to allow the restless dead a second chance at life._

_But he also sensed something amiss. It was obvious that this prison was altering his powers, bending them to a greater entity far in the distance, stretching his consciousness across the land and stealing his strength. And those dead nearby were under the side effect of the power transfer, leaving them unfinished and mindless, mere puppets held by the master's strings._

_No doubt his niece Chitsujo was the cause. As a being with no soul, she was most capable of designing and executing a plot so heinous that even Hades himself cringed at the thought. The souls of the dead were a scared thing, not to be trifled with like pawns or mannequins. And to hold a god of Akhlys' caliber for this purpose was unforgivable._

_But what to do? In his current state, the power he generated was simply continuous, and required years of maturity and energy maintenance to stem the flow enough for him to regain his control. Every one of his lives, he had spent his first thirteen years doing exactly that. It was obvious that thirteen years was far too long to wait in this case._

_In the crackling electric blue belly of the generator he let out a soft, inaudible sigh, and the surrounding rotting souls shuddered in one great wave, bending to his power._

_But there was Konran, wasn't there? Akhlys could sense his presence like a drop of black ink in a body of water, gaining power so quickly that the stain would soon darken the entire pool. He was sacrificing his worldly equivalent for the power to stop his sister. He was risking his existence to fix the mistakes he had made while under Chitsujo's spell._

_How noble…and, perhaps, convenient? The second power nearby was that of a young youkai prince who had integrated with Chaos demon's summoning stone, and who possessed the talents of an elite summoner. If the two truly combined power and talent, and managed to awaken the sleeping beast, it might interfere with Chitsujo's control enough…_

_Yes. It was possible…_

"Quickly, Chaos…" _whispered silent lips._

* * *

**_(Prœlium Inter Amicīs) 2_**

_Although Goku had initially been firmly against fighting Lydia in her current state, he soon realized that this was the only way he would ever be able to fight her at her full strength. Any other time, and she would have been restraining herself, too worried about what would happen if she gave in to her dark half._

_And, as predicted by the ever-enlightened monk, he gradually came to appreciate the opportunity and took on the challenge completely, too curious about who was stronger to really recall his prior misgivings._

"_Awesome!" he exulted when the girl sprang up into the air to dodge his attack and came down swinging for his vitals. He avoided the blade and aimed to knock her out while she spun to land on her feet, but to his surprise she took the momentum of the fall to land on one hand and round off to the side, successfully evading the _nyoi-bo_ and landing lightly on her feet._

_She tensed, targeting him with a robotic stare, but just as she crouched to spring again, a powerful wave of energy made the sea of dead shudder where they stood, as though they were a pond and someone had dropped a stone smack into the middle._

_Goku took the moment of hesitation and lunged, catching her left shoulder and bruising the muscle enough to make lifting the sword nearly impossible. However, while he silently congratulated himself on the approaching victory, she merely switched hands and instantly went after him._

_Sanzo and the other two had long since given up on killing zombies, seeing as how the corpses had apparently forgotten them. Something big must have been going on._

"_Shit, so she really can fight with either hand?" Gojyo muttered. "Impressive."_

"_I can use either hand," Sanzo said evenly. "Is there ever any time when you're not a complete moron?"_

_The kappa's eye twitched, and a stylized vein popped out of his forehead while he glared at the priest between long locks of crimson hair. "Asshole," he replied._

_But before any real fighting could take place, Hakkai called both their attentions and nodded toward the center of the crater, where the blue glow had begun to flicker in the face of some sort of sandstorm not far from it. "I think that's Kougaiji and Konran."_

"_Holy shit…" the kappa whispered in awe as the sand and wind died down._

* * *

**_(The Summoning)_**

_Considering the complexity of combining two forms of magic from two ultimately unique realms, Kougaiji's five minutes of muttering was far beyond anything Konran had expected, so when the Prince finally announced that he was ready to summon the demon, Chaos was slightly dubious._

"_Really?" he asked for the third time. "You're ready? Are you sure?"_

"_Positive," Kougaiji replied with an exasperated frown. "Now…You start transferring energy while Yaone and Dokugakuji maintain a safe perimeter. I'll take care of the rest."_

_Konran sighed and nodded, just a little anxious. "It has to be perfect. The slightest deviation from the cant could result in a collision of two realms, and that wouldn't just be catastrophic—it would erase both realms entirely and replace them with something entirely different. Please keep that in mind."_

"_Please stop repeating that and just get this over with. The longer we wait, the closer your sister gets to destroying my realm anyway, so stop wasting time doubting my abilities. I can do this, all right?"_

_The god massaged his temple and took a steadying breath. "Fine, fine…start the summons, then."_

_Kougaiji nodded once, positioned his arms, and began murmuring the chant; in an instant the pressure in the air changed, making it harder to breathe. Then Konran dropped all his restraints and allowed the energy to come rushing out like water from a fire hydrant, controlling it directionally by guiding it into the summoning stone akin to his own blood. A hot wind blew in from all directions, swirling up clouds of dust and washing away the heavy stench of rotting corpses._

_The pressure and wind increased as Kougaiji chanted quietly, carefully controlling his volume so as not to anger the unruly demon. It built up until even the zombies hesitated, until the blue energy output of the generator began to flicker hesitantly._

_Konran could feel Lydia sinking deeper into her darkness, and stepped up the energy release. Quickly. It had to be done quickly._

_A minute later, Kougaiji whispered the last of the chant and slowly reached forward toward the generator, lacing the fingers of one hand behind the integrated hand, then finally uttered the completion word._

_In a flash, the wind stopped, and the sand kicked up by the wind settled, and in its place yawned an enormous, gaping chasm in the ground. Inside was total darkness, inky and black like a starless, moonless, endless night. Yaone and Dokugakuji immediately went to their Prince's side, and Chaos looked on in mild amazement that it had gone well so far. _

_Now where was the demon?_

_After a breathless few moments of waiting and watching, a faint red glow appeared at the pinpoint distance of the bottomless rift, brightening and growing as something alive ascended from the depths. And then, without slowing in the least, the glowing thing suddenly erupted from the crack in the earth like magma from the belly of a volcano, bringing with it curling tendrils of pure chaotic energy._

_But this thing was far more than a lava flow. It was the essence of Chaos. It could feel and think and act of its own will—it could give into its intrinsic nature and shatter the world or allow itself to fall under another's control and facilitate natural progression. _

_The fate of two worlds hung in this balance, and when the enormous, snakelike beast turned slowly to stare down at the two who had summoned it, Konran and Kougaiji looked up to find themselves face to face with an utterly irritated monster._

* * *

**(_Author's Notes)_**

_**1-** Entropy _(**en**-tr_uh_-pee):_ (theory) A measure of the disorder of a system. Systems tend  
to go from a state of order (low entropy) to a state of  
maximum disorder (high entropy)._

_**2- **Trans: "Battle Between Friends"_

_Yeah…I think I'll be doing that epilogue. I so suck at short stories, but I've got a few ideas. Oh, and check out my profile. I put up a couple more pics, but no scene pics yet, since the Artists' Block is being selective lately. Plus, one pic depicts the Chaos Demon, which happens to be one of my favorite pics I've ever done. It's kinda small, but I'll post a larger one soon. _

_C'ya in a bit! PLEASE REVIEW! And if you've been reading but haven't reviewed, please at least review the last chapter. PLEASE! POR FAVOR! SI TIBI PLACET! ONEGAI! SIL VOUS PLEZ!_

_**I BEG YOU!** I bow before the reader's might._

—_Cyh Scævola, the Chaos Theoryst OUT_


	31. Zenith: Redemption and Retribution

**The Irony Gods: Chapter 31

* * *

**

_**(Author's Note)**_

_This one's gonna be long, 'cause there's a lot of loose ends that need tying, as well as doors which need opening in order to set up The Sequel. (evil maniacal giggle) The real last bit is the Epilogue (AKA Chapter 32), which will be kinda short. Yes, this first quote relates in part to this chapter. I love Rhadymanthus (rad-eh-MAN-thuhs). Oh, and has anyone looked at my pics yet? When The Sequel comes out, I've got this awesome pic idea for Gojyo and Kon. Hooray beer! (I think beer is gross, though…Hooray tequila! That's gotta be better, right?)_

_**Quote(s) of the Day:** "He's sulking because his wife tried to murder him this morning."—Translated from a Latin Quotation Book_

"_Didn't your kindergarten teacher tell you not to kill people?!"—Suoh Tamaki, Ouran High School Host Club_

* * *

**_Zenith: Redemption and Retribution _**

_Goku caught sight of the thing just as it burst from the earth, and as per good judgment he scrambled back to where his three companions were standing and watching before freezing up and letting out a strangled sound of surprise._

_Lydia, finding herself suddenly without an opponent, returned to slaughtering dead things._

"_We know. That's not Kougaiji's usual summon spell," Hakkai replied to the boy's continued pointing and stuttered speech. Shock was a wonderful thing._

"_Th-then what is it?!" he cried at last, finally dropping his hands and merely gaping at the enormous monster. _

_It arched out of the crevasse and slowly turned around to look down at what they all supposed were Kougaiji and Konran, revealing a gaping, lipless maw filled with huge stalactites and stalagmites for teeth and a long, sharp curled tongue from behind which emanated a radioactive lava-like glow. Two narrow, slanted holes of darkness seemed to glare down menacingly from where the eyes should have been, accentuated by the narrow face and wicked, protruding horns right above each hole._

_But only the head was defined, a mask worn to hide the true horrors beneath, while the rest of the thing appeared as the edges of a mirage, shifting in and out of form as tendrils of the same matter curled up and around like the tentacles of some enormous land-bound octopus._

"_Well…" Hakkai surmised thoughtfully, "I think that might be Konran's own summon demon. Apparently, it was sealed away here. What a coincidence that this was where he ended up, too."_

"_Not a coincidence. That's plain irony right there," muttered Gojyo, not noticing when yet another cigarette was lost to surprise._

_Sanzo was quiet for a moment, then looked to Goku. "Where did the Stray go?"_

_Goku winced. "Oops. Forgot." He turned to seek out his friend, locating her by following the cries of the undead and the swath of destruction in the crowded army. He pointed, "She's over there."_

_A blur of white was the only warning he received before the destructive paper fan came crashing down on his cranium. "You were supposed to keep her occupied!" snapped the priest. "Now get your ass over there and make sure she doesn't die. If Konran loses his powers, we're all fucked!"_

"_Okay, okay!" he backed away, rubbing the lump under his hair, then turned and ran over to where Lydia was fighting an opponent that wouldn't fight back. What with all the commotion, the undead army had clearly lost interest in the living._

"_Stupid ape," grumbled Sanzo, covering his eyes and tending to the approaching migraine._

* * *

_**(Rapax)**_

"_Chaossss…" rumbled the beast, bending low to glower at the god and the youkai prince. "You betrayed me." Its voice reverberated through the ground, deep and gravelly and laced with a distinct hiss._

_Konran frowned. "Actually, you were sealed due to a bureaucratic loophole in the Summoning Stone Codex of Zoning Laws. Apparently, your hideout in Ancient China was restricted in our realm, so they switched you to a different one."_

"_**SSSSILENCE!**"_

_Chaos paused, then attempted, "Rapax, I'm sorry. It wasn't my doing. You can blame my mother for that."_

"_Wench!" the monster roared._

_He flinched, then clenched his fists and glared right back up at the monster's approaching visage while Kougaiji, Dokugakuji, and Yaone wisely took a few steps back. "I will not have you insulting my late mother. Now, I'm releasing you because my sister is holding Akúmù prisoner, and threatening to destroy this realm."_

_The enormous empty orbits—only a few feet away now—blinked. "Order…" Rapax growled. "I dessspissse her."_

_Konran nodded. "As well you should. Now, if you help Kougaiji and myself"—Kougaiji glared at the back of Konran's head at the mention of his name. Why was the god drawing that monster's attention to him?—"I'll allow you to come back with me to our true realm. The Gods Council has determined that the United States is free space."_

"_Hmmmmm…"_

_While the beast and the god negotiated, Yaone tapped Kougaiji lightly on the shoulder. "Lord Kougaiji?"_

_He turned to glance at her, checking on the situation every few moments. "Yes, what is it?"_

"_Something's going on. The corpses have stopped trying to attack us." Her wide eyes flicked around the scene, uncertain as to whether or not this was a good sign._

_He had noticed as well. "We need to speed this up."_

_Doku nodded. "Yep, that sounds about right."_

"_Well, then…guess it's my turn." Before either could stop him, Kougaiji turned back and walked up confidently beside Konran. "Excuse me, you two, but we have a slight time constraint." Rapax's fathomless black eyes blinked again and turned to take the Prince's measure. Konran froze, shocked at Kougaiji's blatant interruption. In short, he was simply mortified that anyone would just waltz right on up to a Chaos Demon and set an ultimatum like that._

"_And who are you?" the demon inquired, its voice dropping several octaves and sending more tremors through the ground. Somewhere in the vicinity of the Mediterranean, an earthquake was triggered and placed an 8.9 on the Richter scale. The Turks and Greeks blamed each other, and war erupted._

"_I am Lord Kougaiji, son of Gyumaoh," the youkai Prince responded bravely, addressing himself in an unusually noble manner. "I am the one who summoned you, and this is my realm that's about to be destroyed. Is there anything I can do to help you make this a little quicker?"_

"_H-hey…that's not…" Konran couldn't even figure out what he wanted to tell him._

_Rapax considered the young youkai for a little bit, then seemed to shrug—Chaos nearly choked on his own tongue. "I underssssstand. What isssss it that you need?"_

"_We have to stop Chitsujo from reviving my father like this. We need that generator to stop working."_

"_Ah…Very well."_

_Konran found his voice. "Wait! Why are you listening to him all of a sudden?!"_

_The beast glowered at Chaos and growled, "I have yet to forgive you sssso ssssoon."_

"_Oh." He frowned, then sighed and made a shooing gesture. "Whatever. Proceed."_

_Rapax chuckled menacingly and faced forward—or, rather, faced back toward the generator, seeing as how his body was amorphous and continually shifting like a cloud of solidified smoke. "Marveloussss..." he hissed._

* * *

_**(Ground Zero)**_

_Order saw the demon rise from the earth and did calculations automatically in her mind. If Rapax attacked, the generator output would only be disrupted for a few seconds. She herself was impervious to the attack, since her powers cancelled the chaotic effects of the demon's, and the demon would be unable to harm Higeki unless Konran willed it._

_After a brief discussion with the god and the summoner, the demon faced her and began to slither up higher into the sky, towering above the landscape like some great serpent, wavering and undulating with power and energy. Rapax coiled tightly and launched across the distance in one massive, incomprehensible movement, sailing with a roar toward the generator site while Konran released all of his powers to the attack._

_The collision was staggering, as though two planets had smashed into each other. _

_The monster dove down onto the generator with jaws gaping wide and hungry, and as it passed straight through the stone and sand it poured chaotic energy into the ground, pushing through with such force that the stones shattered and the mesa buckled, cracking in a spider web pattern around the axis. Lightning crashed between the stones, forcing them further apart and frying all the dead within two hundred meters. Water gushed up from an aquifer buried deep underground for hundreds of years, carrying the electricity throughout the area and forming a steam cloud which rose and joined the black thunderheads accumulating above._

_Then, at last, there was a mammoth explosion that forced even the Sanzo party more than a mile away to cover their ears and duck for cover, casting a kilometer-high mushroom-plume of smoke, ash, and dust into the air, wiping away the clouds and evaporating all the remaining water. And when the air had cleared enough, everyone could see that the only intact parts of the mesa were the generator's pedestal and the spots where Higeki and Chitsujo stood. Everything else had crumbled to blackened debris or melted into puddles of slag._

_Chitsujo immediately checked the generator's systems, seeing only a few moderate gaps in the energy transfer—delays, not setbacks._

_The demon rose back out of its crevasse and began speaking with Konran and Kougaiji again, no doubt discussing the futility of their struggles, she surmised._

_But before she ever saw it coming, a black streak flashed in and halted._

"_I'm sorry, but I have to do this, Order," Konran said with only a touch of regret. "You've helped me before, and I thank you, but now you've gone too far for me to allow any of this madness to continue."_

_Chitsujo looked up at her twin and narrowed her eyes the slightest. "You have no authority over supreme Order. You cannot obstruct my path."_

_Konran, however, was confident. "Perhaps not I, but **he** certainly can." He looked over his shoulder then, at an amorphous silvery mist seeping out of a few integral cracks in the generator's reaction chamber._

_For the first time ever, Chitsujo was surprised. "Impossible," she whispered as the mist took form._

"_Hello again, little niece," rasped the soft voice of what appeared to be a fourteen-year-old boy draped in fine silk robes. He was absolutely colorless, with straight, ear-length white hair—even his eyes were solid white, giving the eerie impression that he could be looking straight at you and you would never realize it. Behind him strode a pair of perfect youkai reanimations wielding large broadswords and carrying themselves the way bodyguards should. They growled at the goddess._

_All around the crater's axis, the reanimated zombies were falling lifelessly to the ground, crumbling and melting away, and leaving behind nothing more than scattered bones, dried organs, and weapons and articles of clothing._

"_Akhlys…" Order managed, her pale saffron eyes growing wide. The utterly severe look on the deceptively young boy's face was withering, even to her._

"_For crimes committed against a high god of Tartarus—Nightmare, the Mist of Death, no less; for the use of forbidden practices in a realm beyond your jurisdiction; and for the highest treason in abusing the souls of the deceased—I hereby banish you to the realm of Silence, where your Order may reign 'supreme' without obstructing the peace of innocents." With a dramatic slicing motion with his left hand, the reborn god called upon the Mists, which materialized out of nowhere, bound the goddess tightly, and then engulfed her in silvery nothingness. "You are dead to us, Order."_

_And when the Mists dissipated, she was gone._

_**

* * *

(Houtou Castle)**_

_Ni Jianyi let out a disappointed sigh. The revival machines had shut down suddenly, informing him that the Prince and the Sanzo party had succeeded in eliciting Konran's help in disposing of Chitsujo. And what's more, the infant god—Ákùmu—whom they had captured and were hoping to study, was now out of their hands._

_Such a waste._

"_Oh, well," he murmured sardonically to his stuffed rabbit. "I guess we'll just have to make do with what we have, won't we, Snuggles?"_

_A room away behind locked doors, Dr. Hwan completed her final analysis and undid the cuffs on the restraint chair where Yumoa had been tied up._

"_There," she said with a note of discreet satisfaction as Comedy sat up and rubbed his wrists. "You're free to go." She wouldn't last a minute more of his incessant questions and comments and petitions for games and songs. 'Too much happiness incites fear,' she grumbled in her head._

_Yumoa grinned. "That was fun! Let's play again sometime!"_

_The mere thought made her stomach churn. "I'd rather not. I already have all the information and samples I need."_

"_Oh…okay, then can I have Bob back?" His disappointment toward her decline instantly turned to delirious joy at the sight of his precious borg bunny. He clutched it in a savage hug and fondly patted its steel-plated head. "Bob! I missed you, too…No, we're not going to infiltrate Taco Bell just yet—we have to go find Kon and Lydia first…Okay, we'll have pot roast for dinner when we get home."_

_Hwan stared for several seconds, attempting to figure out whether he was truly insane or just pretending to be insane for the sake of one of his silly games, but gave up halfway through. "You need to go now. Make sure nobody sees you when you leave, and under no circumstances allow the Professor to spot you, understood? The point of this game is to escape undetected." She had determined—correctly—that turning this into a game was the most effective way to get the wily god to do as she told._

"_Yes ma'am!" He saluted, bowed, and **poof**ed out of existence all in the blink of an eye._

_Hwan sat down once he was gone and frowned at her monitor. "I really need a vacation," she lamented, beginning the complex task ahead with a bitter sigh._

* * *

**_(Catching the Kitty)_**

"_What's happenin' now? Huh? Huh? What is that? Sanzo! Whuzzat?!"_

_After thoroughly beating the monkey sage with the paper fan, Sanzo replied curtly, "Shut up. I think they just got rid of Chitsujo, but I can't be sure yet…and did you forget the Stray **again**?!"_

"_Gah! I'm sorry!" He sprinted away once more to where the girl stood alone amid the fallen zombie remains, staring around in apparent curiosity at her self-destructed enemies. "Lydia!" he called, momentarily forgetting that she was currently out of her mind. "Chitsujo's gone! Let's go see how Konran and Kougaiji are!"_

_Her response was a full-on attack, which the experienced fighter dodged easily. He then retaliated with a sweep of his _nyoi-bo_ that tripped her to the ground, and in a flash he bent her arms behind her back and effectively removed her ability to fight._

"_Sanzo! I got 'er!" he shouted happily to his master, who frowned slightly, shook his head, and turned away to nurse his throbbing migraine. _

_Sanzo was about ready to just drop everything and retire. Let someone else deal with this ridiculousness. He'd had enough of gods and youkai attacks and the idiots he was trapped with. The only thing stopping him was his pride. No way in hell was his pride going to let him give up._

"_Sanzo?"_

"_Just hold her there until Konran gets back," he replied finally, taking a seat on a ledge jutting out of a clean boulder and pulling out a new pack of cigarettes._

* * *

**_(Family Reunion)_**

_Ákùmu stood for several minutes, just gazing around at the carnage filling the bowl of the crater. He had sent the spirits back to rest and sensed that they had returned to their peaceful states. It was if nothing had ever disturbed them. The only sign indicating that anything had gone awry was the less-than-subtle scattering of quickly decaying limbs and organs, and the random array of armor, clothing, and weapons strewn about the entire crater._

_Konran approached his uncle with a touch of caution. "Thank you," he murmured, stopping at a safe distance from the far more powerful god. Kougaiji was still at the base of the mesa, speaking to a much better-tempered Rapax about summoning techniques while Yaone and Dokugakuji went to go retrieve Lirin and the dragons._

"_Your equivalent is waiting for you," Ákùmu sighed, closing his blank eyes briefly before opening them again and turning to watch his nephew. "Try not to hurt her again. It would be a shame for one so resilient and stubborn to die early, seeing as how all your other equivalents had no brains at all and simply obeyed your every whim like slaves."_

_He fidgeted slightly and looked toward the spot where Lydia and the Sanzo party had come to a stop. "Don't worry about it. I've learned a lot, Uncle Akhlys. I'm not losing this one."_

_Ákùmu raised a snowy brow, though the rest of his expression remained passive. "Oh? And what makes you think she will be yours for long? This mess is essentially your fault, you know." Though he looked young, the words and intonations were that of a wise old man with far too much power to play with._

"_What do you mean by that?" Konran stopped fidgeting and cast an apprehensive look to his elder._

"_I mean that you deserve some sort of punishment for being a fool," he replied simply. "I was in a good mood, and to have your sister dive in and kidnap me from my surrogate mother's home was simply infuriating."_

_Konran stiffened and fought off the urge to run away. "What are you going to do to me?" he managed to choke out past the fear that this young, physically weak, yet ridiculously powerful god was going to smite him on the spot._

_Gods were allowed to fear divine punishment as well as any mortal._

_Ákùmu thought for a minute, frowning slightly at nothing in particular, then murmured, "I shall change your job description as soon as I go back." He looked up and pinned Konran with a portentous stare, raising a hand and pointing at him to reinforce his words. "In addition to your duties as Chaos, you shall henceforth take on the additional duties of an agent of Death. They will probably call you Mors…" A brief smile slipped across his face, before vanishing like a mirage._

"_That's a girl's name!" Konran protested, taken aback. (1)_

_Ákùmu made an ambiguous motion with one spidery white hand. _"Quid quid…(whatever)_ I am sure you will frighten them all into submission, little Mors."_

_Kon's only reply was a twitch of the eye. (A/N: That rhymed for no reason…heh-heh-heh…)_

"_Ah, and in case you were too busy losing your dignity to notice, Yumoa is on his way, and he is bringing a friend of yours." A sly smirk flashed briefly and disappeared just as quickly. Like the Mists he represented, his moods shifted constantly._

_Suddenly, Konran gasped, cursed, and slapped a hand to his forehead. "Rhadymanthus!"_

_Even more suddenly, a ball of black fluff streaked down from the sky and attacked the despairing Chaos god, followed by a larger, less fluffy white object dressed in red and black—which was less aggressive. Needless to say, Rhad was angry._

_Quoth the raven, "You son of a **bitch!**"_

"_Rhad?!" Kon dove out of the way of the bird's attack and instead ran into his cousin, who caught him in a remarkably overzealous bear hug. "Yumoa!"_

"_Kon, I MISSED YOU!" Yumoa cried, ecstatic tears streaming out of his eyes._

"_You're choking me! And Rhad, get away from my eyes!"_

_The bird retorted, "How dare you abandon me?! This is the last time I support your little whims!"_

"_Ah, here they are," murmured Ákùmu, folding his frail arms across his chest and sighing a little. "I shall go home now."_

_Yumoa practically shoved Konran away at the sound of the elder god's voice and stood at attention. "Uncle Akhlys! It's good to see that you're fine!" he declared like any good recruit._

_Konran grabbed the bird by the neck and held it at arm's length while it kicked and flapped and screeched injustice. "Yumoa! What the hell happened to you?! Driving me out of my mind with worry like that!"_

"_Shut up and address my indignation!" demanded Rhad._

"_Quiet, all of you," murmured Ákùmu. Silence fell in an instant. Even the angry fowl froze in mid-squawk. Higeki, who had been standing at the ledge and frowning at the land, was now staring in astonishment at her big brother. "Yumoa, I thank you for your concern. Konran saw to it that I was freed right away. Konran, you take better care of those around you. My word, your equivalent is still over there struggling to kill everyone on sight. And Rhadymanthus, if you wish I can take you with me."_

"_No, I think I'll keep him here a bit longer, if that's okay with you," Konran interrupted before the bird could agree. _

"_So chaotic. That is why you are my favorite…" Ákùmu smiled then, briefly but genuinely. "In that case, 'til next we meet, dear nephews." There was a blinding flash of aqua light followed by a gathering of the Mist, and a moment later he was gone._

"_You're his favorite?" Yumoa inquired, giving Konran a perturbed frown. "That's weird and creepy…and now I'm jealous…"_

"_I wish people would stop calling me creepy…" muttered Kon._

"_I wish you wouldn't wring my neck," muttered the raven._

_Konran let go and the bird took to the sky, keeping low enough to be heard. "I have to go help Lydia. Yumoa and Rhadymanthus, if you get in the way I'll kill you both."_

"_Awww, Kon…" whined Comedy._

_The bird merely grunted, "Call me Rhad, you guileless, pitiful, spineless ass-hat."_

"Mea Natura,_ not you, too?!"_

"_Yumoa…"_

_Comedy paused and looked over to see Higeki a few feet away, and suddenly his expression turned gentle. "Higeki… Are you okay? I was worried about you."_

_Tears filled her eyes again, and when he opened his arms she ran to him, clutching at his shirt and sobbing against his stomach, "Yumoa…I thought you were dead…"_

"_Nope. Immortality's the one thing keeping me alive, according to Kon and Chitsujo." He grinned and hugged her tightly. "Aw, c'mon, sis. I hate it when you cry. It makes me feel bad."_

_She sniffed and wiped her face with her sleeve, giving up a little smile. "I love you, Yumoa. Please don't die."_

"_Love ya, too, Tragedy. I'll be around forever. Now let's go watch Kon do his thing." He turned to tell Konran something, but the god was already off and running to save his equivalent. "Oh. Well, c'mon anyway," he sighed with an exasperated laugh._

_Higeki smiled a little more, "Okay."_

_**

* * *

(Rapax & Kougaiji)**_

"_It looks like they're done." Kougaiji watched as the Mist god disappeared and the others took off down the side of the mesa and across the plain toward Lydia and the Sanzo party._

_Rapax rumbled a bit, then muttered, "The power isss fading. I shhhould go."_

"_Yeah…and I have to go find my sister and my friends," the Prince sighed. "Thank you for all your help, though, and thank you for the pointers. I'll try them next time when I summon my own spirit."_

_The monster let out a deep, earth-shaking chuckle. "At leasssst there are still ssssome who possesssss a shhhhred of dignity. It hasss been an honor, Prince Kougaiji."_

"_Likewise, Rapax."_

"Valē_, then." And just like that, the beast slipped back into the depths of the earth and the ground sealed up behind him._

_Kougaiji smirked and shook his head, turning and walking towards where Konran and Yumoa and that bird had gone, figuring that at some point Yaone and Dokugakuji would show up with Lirin and the dragons and take him the rest of the way. Now that things were settled, he could take his time for once and take stock of the current situation before deciding what to do next._

_They were often on good terms, and cooperated well when necessary, but he knew quite well that, in the end, the Sanzo party was still the enemy._

* * *

**_(Self-Sacrifice)_**

_Konran had never shifted so quickly in his life, scattering on the wind and streaming toward the Sanzo party in moments while Yumoa teleported with Higeki. Rhad flew at his own complacent pace._

_He could still feel her, but it was so faint. There was too much BLOODLUST in the way, eclipsing her persona, filtering all of her emotions through the intense need to kill. Any more and it was likely she would lose any and all sense of self, reduced to a machine with no soul._

_He refused to let her end up like his sister._

"_Konran, you're late!" Gojyo greeted irritably, sitting with Sanzo and Hakkai on the large, flat boulder while Goku restrained the growling and struggling girl fifty yards away._

_The god reformed and landed at a run, shouting a hasty acknowledgement before skidding to a halt beside Goku. "Is she hurt?!"_

"_I think her left shoulder's bruised pretty bad," murmured Goku. "Maybe I broke her collarbone—it's turnin' purple. I'm sorry." He looked up uncertainly, his golden eyes wide with worry that he'd taken it too far._

"_No, it's okay. I'd prefer injury over death any day."_

_She was pinned on her stomach, growling out the side of her mouth and baring her teeth like a feral animal, and when Konran tried to touch her shoulder and check the wound, she snapped at his hand, grazing her teeth against his skin when he pulled it back quickly. "Dammit…hold her down, please," he muttered, shoving back the wash of guilt._

_The boy complied, carefully grabbing her neck and pinning that too. "You gotta hurry. I dunno how long I can keep holdin' her like this. She's stronger than before, and I don't wanna hafta hurt her."_

"_It's because she doesn't care anymore. I'll tell you to let her go in a moment."_

_While Goku blinked in surprise at that dangerous idea, Kon felt along her shoulder and concluded that it was just a bad bruise and nothing more. "Oh, thank Gaia."_

"_What do you plan on doing?" Hakkai asked, approaching out of concern but giving Konran plenty of room in case something went wrong._

_Konran grimaced, showing off more pointy teeth than his usual discretion allowed, "Goku's going to let her go in a minute. You should all stand back and let me fix this."_

"_Isn't that a little dangerous?" Gojyo muttered, leaning forward a bit in his seat and squinting at the god. "What if she attacks?"_

"_I'm not worried about that. She has to attack me anyway. In her current state, I'm probably the only one who can bring out HATE enough to push BLOODLUST aside, and if she attacks I'll have more to work with." He frowned and stood, taking a few steps back, and Hakkai sighed and returned to where the other two were, deciding that it was okay to trust Konran in this._

"_You can do it!" cheered Lirin, descending from the sky with her brother, Dokugakuji, and Yaone. She leapt off twenty feet up and landed nimbly atop the high point of the boulder. The other three landed the dragons and walked up, watching with a mix of concern and curiosity._

_Yumoa skipped up the side of the boulder—as in, **skipped up the side of the boulder**—and waved excitedly, accepting a glomp from the Princess with gusto. Both immediately began planning the next Twister showdown, oblivious to the seriousness of the situation and the various-colored eyes frowning in disapproval. Rhadymanthus also arrived, perching beside Hakkai and glaring at Konran in irritation and resentment. The bird's appearance was enough to distract everybody from the fact that Yumoa wasn't dead after all._

_Hakkai stared at the bird, as did Hakuryu. "Um, shoo?"_

_The bird turned his head slowly to look up at Hakkai with one narrowed black eye. "**Excuse** me? Look, buddy, I'm having a fuckin' bad day, a'ight? Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to sit quietly, not bother you, and watch my friend over there get his ass handed to him by his own equivalent. Is that so much to ask?"_

"_Holy shit, you talked!" cried Gojyo, losing still another cigarette to the effects of astonishment._

"_No shit, Sherlock. Wanna see me dance? Turn into a human? Sing off-key?"_

"_Rhadymanthus, stop playing with them!" Konran shouted angrily, fed up with the lack of respect. A bolt of black lightning crashed suddenly from the sky, frying the bird with a deafening snap of electricity while leaving Hakkai and Hakuryu untouched._

_All fell into silent shock, then gaped at Konran._

"_Continue," coughed the bird, looking more like a burnt chicken than a raven at this point._

_Kon sighed. "Thank you." He turned to Goku, who was still staring at the fried chicken. "When you let her go, just get out of her way."_

"_Uh, okay…" Konran was scary when he was really mad. But still, Goku reminded himself that there were more important matters to attend to at the moment, and mentally prepared for the task ahead. He hoped also that Hakkai would cook a really big dinner after all this. "Whenever you're ready."_

_Konran spotted Ryushi a couple feet away and picked it up, then stood and took a few steps back from the animalistic girl. "All right, Goku. Let her go."_

_Goku complied, releasing her arms and neck and springing away before she could turn on him._

_She was on her feet in a flash, ready to chase after the monkey, but a high ringing sound made her pause and look back over her shoulder._

"_This is yours, isn't it?" Konran said evenly, holding the sword out in front of him. She hissed and turned to face him with a low growl at the edge of her breathing, and he flung the sword at her, which she caught easily in her right hand. "I'm your opponent now," he murmured, pulling his katana out of the dimensional pocket he had stored it in. The black grip was bound in silk, and the blade was perfectly balanced and razor sharp—compliments of Hephaestus, god of all things metallurgic._

_She was instantly on the offensive, charging at him with blade at the ready, but when she swung he simply held his own sword up to block the attack. The swords sang against each other for a second, and then she was thrown back, flipping at the last moment and landing on all fours._

_This same routine was played out several times, her frustration and anger growing each time, slowly replacing the empty cold of pure bloodlust. The idle growls became furious cries. The precision attacks became sloppy and second-rate. Slowly, she was regaining a shred of the emotions he needed her to feel if this was going to work._

_There was only one thing left to do._

_He threw her back for the last time, and sheathed the katana._

_Lydia landed and immediately charged ahead yet again with an enraged war cry, this time aiming for his heart, but he just stood there, a frown of total concentration putting a thin line between his brows._

_Lirin and Goku blanched, Yumoa and Rhad sighed in exasperation, and everyone stared in disbelief when they saw that Konran had laid down his weapon. It happened in an instant._

_When the sword neared his chest, he moved an inch to the side, forcing it to pierce his lung instead of his heart—a centimeter away. A sharp cry of pain escaped his throat, but he ignored the pain and grabbed Lydia's wrist as she shoved the blade through to the other side with a disturbing crunch of bone and flesh. Closer. She needed to get closer. Pain could come later._

"_Konran!" Gojyo, Hakkai, Yaone, and Dokugakuji gasped in unison. The two animals merely gawked in horror. Kougaiji and Sanzo silently observed the scene, both of them thinking that there must me something more to this._

_Lydia only stopped when the blade was hilt-deep, and grinned savagely—enjoying his pain, enjoying the revenge. With a distance of only a foot between them, she could easily see that it was a critical wound. He fell to his knees, gasping and coughing up a fair amount of blood. All she had to do was rip Ryushi out, and he was dead._

_But just as she was about to tear the sword from his chest, and his heart with it, he suddenly reached out and grabbed the collar of her leather coat with both hands, yanked her off-balance to an abrupt kneel, and then…_

_("I knew it!" rejoiced Gojyo, who immediately after was forced to dodge several bullets.)_

…_Konran kissed her._

* * *

**(A Rude Awakening)**

I couldn't really tell that I was regulating any power at all. My mind had sealed me up to the point where I couldn't even watch what was going on. It was dark for a long time, nothing really satisfying the BLOODLUST enough to make it fade. And after a bit, I could feel the stirrings of HATE and ANGER. Something was frustrating BLOODLUST, otherwise it would have remained ice cold in my mental prison. Yet instead, I felt a distant warmth leading me out.

Then the warmth drew close, almost as if I were holding a warm blanket fresh from the dryer. It felt wonderful against my cold skin, almost feverish. But despite the warmth, there was something odd going on.

I tasted something sweet and coppery and drank it down. It was what had made BLOODLUST fade. It tasted familiar…almost like a part of my brain was trying to tell me something rather important. But it felt so incredibly good…

I opened my eyes a crack, but all I could see was black, as well as a rich, bluish green streaked with emerald.

Phthalocyanine green…where had I seen that again?

And that was when memory decided to serve me one low and to the side. I caught the realization with some effort, then proceeded to have a panic attack-slash-fit of rage.

But before I could make my utterly shocked limbs move at all, Konran noticed that I was awake and drew away. His smile was a little slanted, as if he were drunk or deliriously happy. Or both.

I found my voice and screamed incoherent words of outrage and protest and indignation, pounding his shoulders with clenched fists. Even I wasn't sure what exactly I was saying—quite likely, it was the most senseless diatribe of random gibberish ever created in the history of mankind. However, my noisemaking ceased instantly when I actually took a look at what was going on, and happened to see the ruby orb at the end of Ryushi's grip, followed by the grip itself and the hilt, sticking out of the middle of Konran's chest.

My blood froze in my veins. "Oh, my god…" I whispered in fear.

Kon smiled a little, grimacing when he sighed, "I wish."

"What happened?!" I demanded to know, searching around and finding a particularly large audience watching us.

Among them was Yumoa, leaning against the side of the boulder with his arms folded across his chest and grinning widely. "Hey, Lydia!" he greeted enthusiastically. Lirin and Goku were with him, staring uncertainly back and forth between the injured god and the supposed-to-be-dead god.

It may have been a bit insensitive, but I was so happy to see Yumoa alive that for a moment I forgot Konran and ran over to Comedy, throwing my arms around him in a warm, happy hug. "I knew you weren't dead!" I shouted with glee.

"Dead?" Lirin inquired with an uncertain frown.

I abandoned Yumoa and glomped Lirin and Goku at once, crying, "He's not dead! Konran was wrong! Konran was wrong! Konran was...uh-oh…crap!"

I spun and spotted Konran still kneeling amidst the zombie remains, glaring dazedly at me and bleeding profusely.

"Ooh, I think you hurt Kon's feelings," Yumoa muttered out the corner of his mouth.

I blanched. "Oh, damn it all." I then abandoned the three of them and ran back to Konran—everyone was struggling to hide their amusement at this point, though Sanzo looked greatly irritated and Kougaiji seemed plain tired.

"Welcome back," Konran muttered resentfully, glaring at me for a moment, and then apparently losing the heart to continue. "Are you okay?"

"I should be asking you that, idiot!" I snapped, kneeling in front of him and studying the blade. "What the hell went on while I was off being evil?!"

"Oh, not much…we stopped my sister."

"Good," I sighed, at least a little relieved. "Now how did this happen? And what the hell was going on when I woke up? I could have sworn you were kissing me."

He went still and I paused to frown at him. "I was…" he murmured, looking away and grimacing when he breathed. A line of blood ran down his chin and throat from either corner of his mouth. The sword was in his lung then…

"Why?"

"Because you were about to disappear forever. I had to do something, so I provoked your HATE and fed your BLOODLUST all at the same time. You did stab me, but you came back, too. It's worth the pain."

"Fed…with what?" I asked slowly, already suspecting the answer.

"Blood, of course. Hence, BLOODLUST. I would say 'duh', but that's just juvenile."

He said it so simply, as though there were nothing creepy or wrong or uncomfortable or gross about it.

"I know how to get this out," I announced, grabbing the hilt and the protruding blade at once.

He screamed. Everyone else gave a violent start.

I twisted the blade and the hilt in opposite directions.

He screamed again. Everyone else stared with a mix of fear and incomprehension, including a shocked-looking…fried chicken? Yumoa sighed and started doodling on the side of the boulder with a Magic Marker—it was a black kitty with green eyes.

After more screams from Kon and a little more effort on my part, the blade and hilt began to turn apart—which made Kon's screams stop abruptly—he had fainted at last, the crybaby. I unscrewed the hilt while keeping the blade in place, then pulled the blade out his back, cleaned it off with a shred of old cloth, and reattached the two pieces.

Kon lay on his side, bleeding in his sleep.

"Serves you right," I muttered, suddenly feeling incredibly tired—was it his fault? I sat down beside him, distantly amused that he had assumed the fetal position…but I forgave that. In actuality, I was sort of impressed that the pain hadn't knocked him out sooner.

"Lydia, are you okay?!" Lirin saw me sit and hurried over, bright eyes glittering with concern, followed closely by my favorite panicked monkey. They knelt at my sides and fussed over me, asking if I was hurting or bleeding or nauseous or tired.

"Tired…" I yawned, unable to keep my lids open. They drooped as I slumped over and passed out on top of an unusually warm pillow.

* * *

**(_Author's Note)_**

_(1) _"Mors"_ means "death" in Latin, and is a feminine gender word. Konran's indignation is well-founded._

_Lydia is certainly a spiteful young lady…hell hath no fury, I suppose._

_Next is the Epilogue. It will bring the story to a lovely little close. Sorry there wasn't so much cannon going on at the end, but Gojyo's little outburst makes up for that, I think. (laughs) I think he's the kind of guy who cheers on those less fortunate than himself, so long as they're not taking his ladies. This aspect becomes better-defined in The Sequel, the first chapter of which will be posted the same time I post the Epilogue of IG. See y'alls! And tell me what you think about the pics! Oy, Daark-Monkey! Kai! EoS! You three! That's your homework. (evil laugh) Tell me what you think. (PLEASE?! Thank you!)_

—_Cyh Scævola, the Chaos Theoryst OUT_


	32. Schrödinger: Pandora’s Paradox

**The Irony Gods: Epilogue

* * *

**

_**(Author's Note)**_

_Wow. This is the fastest I've ever completed a story. Whoop! Please be aware that my more serious endeavors are still in the works—and have been in said works for the past six years. My inner critic is such a perfectionist that at the moment it is in stunned silence due to the fact that I'm ignoring it._

_Also, I actually had fits of insane giggling and twitching as I wrote this. I guess selling my soul to the ice-cream man worked out after all. And it's longer than I originally intended, but the ideas just wouldn't stop…_

_**Quote of the Day:** "Chaos…panic…hysterical laughter… My work here is done."—Cyh Scævola_

* * *

**_Schrödinger: Pandora's Paradox _**

"Wait, so you mean we have to go _today_?" I demanded skeptically. "What's wrong with one more day? I mean, after all the _crap_ you put me through, I think you owe me a day off."

It was the morning after the crappiest day in the history of time, and Konran frowned at me from his side of the bed, holding one hand over his heart since the wound I gave him still hurt like mad.

He was wearing a black silk nightshirt and matching pants, with bandages wrapped around his chest underneath—or so he said. It hurt to talk, breathe, move, sleep…in short, he was a pansy. He'd used up so much of his power just bringing me back to my senses that he couldn't heal the wound as quickly as he normally could have, and so lay there as helpless as a newborn. His claims to still be able to walk had fallen on deaf ears so far as well—Hakkai and Yaone had forbidden him from getting out of bed until we were ready to leave.

He sighed, "Look, I would love nothing more than to sleep for a day under the influence of half a bottle of morphine, but A: drugs do nothing for gods—we just have to deal with the pain and wait to heal; and B: Rhadymanthus came back with orders from Akhlys, and I start my additional assignments tomorrow. I would much rather sleep at home than here in a hotel room."

"What home?!" I demanded. "I have school and a family! Gods know I can't have a grown man following me around like this!"

"Actually, we don't know," he muttered dryly, "and it will in fact be _two_ grown men. Yumoa comes with me. And we can shift halfway through the planes so that you're the only one who sees us. Don't worry about Higeki, either. She's already back in Tartarus to speak with Akhlys about some promotion rumors."

"**_WRONG ANSWER!_**" I declared, grabbing his collar with my good arm, and pulling his face within and inch of mine. "Please make another selection," I hissed.

"Augh!" he protested, clutching at his wound.

"Serves you damn right, ass-hat. Find someone else to harass when we get back. I'm sure there's plenty of airhead preppy types out there willing to fall for your 'dark and brooding' attitude and 'pretty-boy' look."

"Pretty…boy? Wait a minute! I'm neither of those! Are you blind or have you taken up hallucinogens?!"

Suddenly, the door opened, and I scrambled back to my spot in time to see Hakkai walk in carrying a tray of spiced tea and admitting Lirin, Goku, and Yumoa.

"Good morning. Sleep well?" Hakkai asked, chock full of motherly benevolence. Hakuryu was with him, fluttering ahead and alighting atop the bureau beside a far more antagonistic winged creature. He set the tray down on the footboard and began mixing some honey into the drinks, along with some odd white powder.

"Thanks for the sentiment, but drugs can't affect me," muttered Konran, clearly wishing they could—he cast me a resentful glare.

"Oh…well, at least it will help Lydia with her shoulder pains," Hakkai laughed sheepishly. As a healer, he was in his element, though Konran had refused treatment due to his abnormally expansive pride and his absurd fear that mixing Hakkai's powers with those of a Greek god might bring an end to one of the two realms. He was such a ridiculous man.

"Why is it that you people can't understand that I _do not_ want to be left alone in a room with this guy?" I demanded. "He's creepy incarnate!"

"Finally, someone who shares my beliefs," sighed the large, black, former-fried-chicken perched atop the bureau next to Hakuryu. I really liked that bird. He and I saw eye-to-eye on a lot of things—mostly concerning Konran.

"So what're ya gonna do now that you're done gettin' rid of Chitsujo?" asked Lirin, hopping onto the bed and jarring it enough to exacerbate Konran's pain.

He gasped and went fetal again, and I chuckled evilly. "Oy, Goku and Yumoa, hop on."

"**_NO!_**" shouted Konran.

"Yeah!" exulted the other two, jumping on as well and making him cry out in agony. He was trembling slightly.

I slapped his shoulder and laughed. "Poor puppy. Are you going to be a good boy from now on? _Yumoa_ is better-behaved than you are, you know."

"Please stop moving the bed," he whispered. "Or, at the very least, let me sleep on the floor."

I rolled my eyes and sighed, "Fine—no more bed-shaking. Now please tell these kind people what you told me about our departure time. Most importantly, convince Hakkai that it's feasible. I'm no physician, but REASON tells me that you're in no condition to be going anywhere."

_He's not even healthy enough to maintain consciousness,_ REASON added. _But you know gods—they never listen to REASON._

"Yeah, what're ya gonna do?" repeated Lirin, gazing at us in earnest.

Konran took a moment to regain his composure, raising himself to sit up against the headboard and grimacing when the exit wound pressed against the hard wood. After a bit he sighed and muttered, "We're leaving today, as soon as possible."

"May I point out that I am wholeheartedly against this decision of his?" I pitched in.

"The sooner you leave the better," Sanzo grumbled, appearing in the doorway with Kougaiji, Gojyo, and Yaone. Dokugakuji had gone back already, to keep an eye on everything now that the job was done. Yaone and Hakkai had once again joined forces to keep me from ending up dead, while doing what they could for the uncooperative Chaos.

"You just don't want to deal with it anymore," Gojyo complained, pulling up a chair and straddling it backwards with his chin resting on folded arms. "Let them stay a while and rest. I mean, just look at Konran. Lydia tore him up."

The god in question suppressed an angry outburst while half of those present nodded assent. Instead he growled, "I beg your pardon, but I would appreciate it if you would all stop taking advantage of me in this state. I'm not crippled, you know."

"Ooh, feel the burn…" I chuckled, grinning vengefully. "You're helpless for now. We should be able to enjoy it."

"Yeah," laughed Goku. "And if you're in such bad shape, then how're you gonna make it back in one piece?"

"Don't underestimate the god of Chaos," he snapped irritably. "We're leaving and that's final, and Lydia, if you're so hell-bent on staying here, you'll never be able to go home on your own once I leave. Do you understand that? Besides, you've been gone for so long that they've declared you dead."

I blinked. "How do you know?"

"I told him," quipped the raven. He seemed happy about this news.

"Wow…I'm dead…" I murmured, barely containing the giggle that wanted to burst out. "I could pull a Tom Sawyer and show up at my own funeral!"

"How quaint," Rhad chuckled. "You should do that."

"Don't encourage her!" Kon shouted, more than a little shrilly. He'd tried to sit up too fast.

"I'll do whatever the hell I want," I said flatly, pushing him back against the board.

"Who's Tom Sawyer?" Lirin and Goku asked simultaneously—we were all accustomed to ignoring Konran's pain at this point. I explained as best I could while Yumoa and Rhad pitched in their comments and the mature members of the group held a conference over whether or not leaving today was such a great idea.

About half an hour of tense discussion later, Goku and Lirin finally understood what I was talking about, and both the Kou Crew and the Sanzo Party had given up on making the obdurate god see sense.

"You're lucky to be immortal," Hakkai was saying when I reentered that side of the conversation while Yumoa dragged my two compatriots out for a game of dodge-ball—with raw eggs. I decided not to inform the others of Comedy's intentions, instead opting for the more entertaining choice of seeing Sanzo get pissed one last time before I left.

"I we can't stop you if you really want to go now," Yaone murmured worriedly, "but promise us that when you return you'll get some rest and give yourself some time to heal."

"If I break his legs I'm sure he'll spend plenty of time inert," I offered cheerily.

Yaone's eyes widened in surprise, and Konran gave me a very cold stare. "Don't you even think about it, Lydia," he said slowly.

"Then quit whining and stand up," I snapped. "If you can do that and walk your ass right on out that door to leave, then I'm sure that everybody will have no choice but to let us go without argument. If you can't I'll be playing Go-Fish with Goku and Yumoa tonight—Lirin too, if her brother allows—so don't expect sleep to come easy."

Kougaiji cleared his throat. "Regardless of the outcome here, we're leaving for Houtou Castle before noon. After all the commotion, I feel it would be in bad taste to try and take the Maten scripture from you right now, but be assured that next time we will be back on normal terms."

"Fine by me," the angry monk muttered. "Normal sounds pretty fucking great at this point." Since entering the room, he'd had eight cigarettes, and was working on his ninth at the moment.

"No matter. We're leaving today if I have to shove you through the dimensional portal," Konran said with a self-satisfied smirk.

"I swear to Bob, if you smirk at me like that again, I'll stab you again," I replied, jabbing my pointer finger at his chest, next to the wound.

He caught my hand before I could poke him and restrained it against the mattress to prevent further antics on my part. "Sit quietly and let the grown-ups talk, would you?"

My other hand flew up to hit him, but he caught that one too and restrained it as well. Both of my wrists were pinned by his one hand?! Vengeance would be mine!

So I bit him.

"Oww, my arm!" he shouted, pulling away and overshooting the distance to the edge of the bed. He let me go and landed with a _thump_ on the hardwood floor.

"This is just too stupid for words." Sanzo sounded ready to kill himself.

"Oh, dear!" The two medically-oriented people in the room rushed to assist him, but he just raised a hand for them to stop and they hesitated a foot away, struggling against their ingrained need to assist the injured.

"I'm fine," he grumbled, sitting up with some effort and resting his head against the mattress. "Dammit, I've never been in this much pain, but I _know_ I'm well enough to take her home," he sighed after several moments.

Gojyo's antennae twitched, and he leaned forward in interest. "Is _that _why you're so intent on leaving? So you can bring her back home?"

Konran have him a look. "I'm sure as hell not doing it because I _want_ to go back to that bureaucratic hellhole called Tartarus."

"But Tartarus literally _is_ Hell to you gods," I pointed out.

"Oh, and so you assume that being an employee of Hell has perks?" he cried in disbelief. "It's _Hell! _Hence the name! I hate working in Hell."

"What odd conversations you have," Hakkai laughed.

Gojyo interrupted with an air of impatience, "But you're doing it for her, right?"

"Well, of course. She's my responsibility."

"I think we should let them go," the kappa announced immediately. "Konran's right—Lydia needs to go back home, and the sooner the better."

"Since when does your brain makes decisions that complex?" Sanzo baited. He was tired, bored, and surrounded by what he deemed to be utter stupidity. It was good to know that he had methods by which to entertain himself in a bind.

"Since when do you give a damn about the lives of the little people, O almighty Sanzo, holiest of all tight-ass monks?" Gojyo retorted.

The gun appeared out of thin air, pointed at Gojyo's temple. "Say that a little louder, jackass. I dare you."

"Oh…" Yaone gasped, biting her lip to keep herself from interrupting the pissy priest's fun.

"Don't worry. It's perfectly normal," Hakkai assured her, turning to Konran to address the more important matter of our departure. "Are you sure you want to do this so soon?"

Chaos nodded, not bothering to look up. He actually looked a bit green, but I knew pain did weird things to one's anatomy, and I doubted whether or not gods could get sick enough to throw up…that would just be wrong.

"And how the hell are you going to do it?" I muttered, propping my chin on a fist and frowning at him.

He closed his eyes, breathing softly so as not to exacerbate the pain any more then he already had. "I'll just open another dimensional portal, let you walk through, and teleport myself."

"Uh-huh. When you say walk, you mean that I'll be sucked into the dimensional rip like a hamster into an angry vacuum cleaner, don't you?"

"V-vacuum cleaner?" Hakkai queried.

"It cleans crap off the floor and curtains and whatever," Rhad explained. "Hell of a lot better than a broom."

"Ah…I see…and when are you leaving today?" Subject change. Hakkai was a keen fellow indeed.

Konran's eyes opened just a little, but their bright color glittered visibly under his thick coal lashes anyway. "Lydia…say your goodbyes. The dimensions are shifting early, so we have to leave immediately."

"Huh?!" I jumped up in surprise despite myself. "But—WAIT! Just like that?!" I cried. "That's so stupid! At least let me have my tea, dammit!"

"Then drink while saying your goodbyes, but we have a twenty-minute window, and if we miss it then we may be stuck here for days, weeks, months, _years… _Even the gods can't control some things." He took a slow breath and dropped his head back against the side of the mattress. "Quickly."

Yes. Just like that, I was being ripped out of yet another world (Dr. Renfield was going to have a field day with the myriad of psychological issues which would result from these most recent experiences) and replanted into a world I wasn't even sure I liked.

A crock! Life was a crock! A sham! An imitation of a sham! A manifestation of an imitation of a sham! A farce of a manifestation of an imitation of a sham!

I wanted my thesaurus right then, just to find fifteen ways to say that existence itself was the shadow of reality. The phantom of veracity. The something…of…ARGH! (1)

In a nutshell, I was pissed beyond all language.

"Sham or not, you're wasting your time whining when you should be saying goodbye to that monkey," Konran sighed.

"Don't call my friend a monkey!"

There was a tap at the door, and I turned to see the aforementioned monkey standing there with raw egg all over his face and hair and clothing, dripping gooey clear and yellow fluid on the floor and rug.

"Goku…" Sanzo's voice went dangerously low. The only one who didn't feel the chill was Goku.

"Did someone call me?" the monkey asked with an innocent grin.

"Punish him later," I said quickly to the monk whose invisible miasma of murderous rage had forced the chirping birds outside to fall silent. "Goku, I have something important to say…"

Gojyo's antennae twitched again—they were really jumpy today. "Meh?" he muttered past his last cigarette—most had been lost yesterday to surprise.

"What?" Goku almost took a step in, but hesitated when he saw the puddle of goop.

I threw caution to the wind and went for it.

"Please, please, please, don't let them take me!" I cried, tackling him to the ground and locking my arms around his neck. "Don't make me go!"

"Eh-heh-heh…now, now, Konran. Don't make a fuss," Hakkai pleaded anxiously behind me.

Konran?

Whatever.

"I wanna stay here and hang out and not have to go to school and kill deranged mutant killer cyborgs and play Twister and Go-Fish!" I ranted. "I don't want to go back there where people avoid me just 'cause I growl when I fall asleep in class and talk to myself and sit alone in the cafeteria when my only friend happens to be sick when in fact she's skipping to go to a party that I wasn't invited to!"

"Ehhh?!" _ehh-_ed the monkey.

"And I don't want to go with _him!_" I shouted finally. It went eerily quiet, and after a few moments I looked up—covered completely in raw egg like Goku was—and frowned behind my shoulder.

Konran was standing there and looking more agonized than ever. Gojyo and Hakkai—and even Kougaiji were behind him, trying to make him sit back down.

"Hey, uh, Lydia, you're choking me," gasped my monkey friend.

"Oops! My bad…" I let go and stood quickly, realizing that I was also covered in egg now. "Crap…"

"Er, hey," Goku murmured, still sitting cross-legged on the soiled rug.

"Hmm?" Maybe if I rubbed my hands together real fast, the friction would cook it and I could peel it off? Ugh…sticky was gross.

"Don't you miss your family?"

I hesitated and frowned at him. "What do you mean?"

He looked around, as though searching the air for the proper wording, then replied, "Well…you were an orphan and they took ya in, right?"

"Yeah…why?"

He scratched his head thoughtfully, and at length dropped his hand back into his lap and shrugged, staring at me with those strangely omniscient golden eyes. "'Cause I was alone for a long time, too, and then Sanzo found me. If I ever got separated from Sanzo, I'd miss him a lot."

The birds began chirping, little by little—Sanzo was almost powerless against this boy's innocence, and in response to his abating rage he lit yet another cigarette and muttered something about "stupid animals" while pretending he wasn't there.

I frowned, and thought about it.

Suddenly, I was homesick. "Damn…"

He grinned. "See? You _do_ miss 'em! It'll still be kinda borin' without you here t' make things more fun, and it'd be great if ya stayed longer, but you really should go back home and be with your family."

I sighed, cursing myself inwardly, "Thanks, Goku. You're a really good head-shrinker."

"Er…thanks?" He laughed uncertainly and grinned, getting up off the gooey floor. "Visit, though, 'kay?"

"If I can, of course," I chuckled, hooking his neck in the crook of my elbow and giving him a proper noogie. "Don't you dare grow an inch, got it?"

"Owww! Okay!"

Just as I let him go, a blonde blur pounced around the wall, through the open door, and glomped me to the floor.

"Nyaaaahh! Don't go!" Lirin cried enthusiastically, squeezing mme in a Kung-Fu grip to be the envy of all action figures.

"Urrrgghhnnnnkkk!" I replied as coherently as I could with my windpipe crushed and my spine broken in about fifteen places.

"Lirin, let her breathe!" Kougaiji said quickly when I started to turn pretty colors.

"Ooh, look at 'em twirl," I murmured, smiling at the starbursts bursting stars across the skyscape of my vision.

"Oops, sorry…" the young youkai Princess muttered apologetically. She was spotless—or, rather, she had been before testing the structural integrity of my spinal column. It was obvious who had been winning dodge-ball.

I waved it away. "Nah, they've stopped moving," I assured her—possibly, this statement only made everyone worry more, but that wasn't my concern. "But I'm sorry, too, Lirin…I have to go home now."

"Dammit, that's not fair!" she cried. "They can't make ya go if ya don't wanna!"

I smiled a little. "I know they can't make me, but I _want_ to go home and see my family again. I can't just leave them alone. For some bizarre reason, they're pretty much nonfunctioning when I'm not around… But that's beside the point. What I mean to say is that, although I want nothing more out of life than hanging out and having fun like we've been doing, I have other responsibilities as well—hopefully ones not involving the end of the world, 'cause that's just too cliché, and we just finished that one. I have a family to take care of. How would you feel if Kougaiji just abandoned you?"

She pouted. "Kougaiji would never abandon me."

"Exactly, and I would never abandon my own family, either."

"Oh…but can you come back?"

"NO," Sanzo forbade in the background.

"I'm not sure," I replied. "That depends on a ton of circumstances that I'm too lazy to try and understand."

"Oh, okay. But I'll miss you!" she declared forcefully. "And if ya ever get a chance to come back, ya better come visit me an' Kougaiji an' Yaone an' Dokugakuji!"

"Sure, so long as they don't try to kill me on sight—some of your assassins are just rude," I said, smirking at Kougaiji.

He folded his arms stubbornly. "This is all just ridiculous," he muttered.

"Ah, you know you'll miss me," I teased. "I'm a genius when it comes to keeping Lirin occupied."

"Granted, but I am the GOD of keeping EVERYONE ENTERTAINED!" cheered Yumoa, poofing into existence in the middle of the room, covered in twice as much egg as Goku. Clearly, Lirin had won. He did a twirl and giggled, then turned to Konran, "Hey, I heard that we're gonna…er…Kon, are you okay?" He froze in mid-pirouette and frowned a little, and I looked to see what was up.

Konran was still standing, but his fists were clenched at his sides and he was shaking slightly. Was he pushing himself to do too much all at once? I sighed. He was such an idiot.

"Just a second," I told Kougaiji, not waiting for a response and walking over to the injured god. "Konran, please sit down before you pass out and we miss the window," I said in the calmest voice I could muster. I took hold of his arm and frowned harder—it was like touching solid stone. "Kon, you need to relax. Do you even know what you're doing?"

His eyes were empty, as though he'd become jaded to the world.

I reached up—dammit, he was too damn tall!—and touched his face to make him look at me. "Oy, Kon, are you taking me home or what?"

He muttered something, but I didn't quite catch it.

"What?"

He moved then, took a breath and let it out, whispering, "You don't want to go with me. Find someone else to take you."

"Huh?"

But instead of elaborating, he jerked away from me, turned to the floor-length mirror, and glared at it. It burst into swirling rays of silver and blue light like the ones in the projector screen. (It felt like a million years since then…) "Yumoa, we're leaving."

Yumoa hesitated. "What about Lydia? She can't go home without you to take her."

"If she's as brilliant as she thinks she is, then she'll find a way." He began walking to the portal, past everyone who watched in nervous surprise at his sudden coldness.

"Oy."

Konran paused in mid-step and turned to frown at the speaker. "What?" he demanded impatiently.

_**KA-CLICK.**_

"You take her with you or so help me I will paint the walls with your immortal brains."

Konran stared in shock down the short barrel of Sanzo's _Smith and Wesson_, obviously calculating how long it would take to heal a bullet's exit wound in the top of his head. "Wait a minute…"

"No, _you_ wait a minute, let her say her fucking goodbyes, and take her the hell away from my world, got that?" Sanzo pressed the muzzle under his chin for persuasive purposes.

Konran's powers were so drained that evading a bullet was impossible. A bullet wound to the head…he'd probably die…

"Wait, don't shoot him!" I said frantically, jumping between them and shoving the gun away from Konran's head. "Kon, do as he says. Sanzo, please don't kill my friends. I have few enough as it is."

Once again, Gojyo's antennae twitched. (Dammit, WHY?!) "Friends?"

Hakkai looked at Konran, then at Gojyo, wearing an oddly resigned frown. "Friends."

Konran squinted at me, his expression inscrutable. "Friends…?"

"Errr, yeah?" I said slowly, giving each of them a suspicious frown. "You're kinda like an irritating habit that you want someone to get rid of, but then when it's gone you miss it like a severed limb," I explained.

He stared for a few seconds more, then sighed and cringed at the pain of sighing. "I'm an indispensable irritating habit, huh? I must be cursed…"

"…what?"

He shook his head and made a shooing gesture. "Five minutes, then I'll take you home."

"Sweet!" I hugged him quickly (he cried out in agony), then rushed over to say farewell to everyone else and thank them all for not letting me die a horrible zombie death.

Maybe this could be a turning point in my life! I could grab the bull by the horns and take control of my future! When I went home, I was going to make some serious changes to how I did things.

* * *

**_(Friendly Advice)_**

_Konran sighed for perhaps the fifth time in two minutes, keeping his senses locked on the shifting planes while his mind brooded over his misfortune. Lydia was giving everybody hugs and saying her goodbyes, even forcing the aggravated monk to shake her hand by threatening to stay and irritate him for the rest of his days. How could she be so happy while he was so miserable? She was right—life was a sham._

"_Damn it all," the god muttered when the pain snapped through his chest and tugged at both wounds._

"_It's okay, man," Gojyo offered conspiratorially, watching the scene with the eyes of a dauntless private detective. "She'll come around eventually."_

"_Huh?" Konran cast him a dubious sidelong frown._

"_She's just really young right now for a guy like you. When she gets older, it'll click."_

"_R-really? You thinks so?" Hope twitched lamely in its watery grave, rising a bit, then falling back to the bottom. But…he wasn't stupid enough to expect anything. _"Exspectā nihil" _was his maxim._ (2)

"_Well, she obviously wants you around, even though you've been annoying her so much, though I think maybe even she doesn't realize it. Just keep doing what you're doing." That last was whispered almost inaudibly, so as to prevent the others from hearing that Gojyo was sabotaging all of their efforts to break Konran of his atrocious social habits. The cockroach really didn't want to argue with Hakkai's sense of right and wrong._

"_Fine, but if it makes things worse, I'm coming back to kill you."_

"_What?!"_

_Konran shook his head and chuckled despite the pain. "That was a humorless man's attempt at a joke. Thank you for trying to help. Everyone else is useless, and hope is dead."_

_Gojyo smirked. "You know that saying, how hope floats?"_

"_What about it?"_

"_Well, so do a lot of dead things—like fish. If hope is alive, it floats. If it's dead, it floats. How the hell do you know whether or not it's dead or alive if it won't stay down?"_

_Hope twitched again and began to rise slowly, at last breaking the surface and moving lazily with the currents._

_Chaos frowned deeply, then admitted an exasperated smile. "You really are smarter than you let on. You and that Goku kid."_

_The kappa just laughed and stubbed out his cigarette. "Sure, but don't tell anyone. Looks like she's done. Good luck, Kon."_

* * *

**(Farewell New World)**

"And you!" I said, pointing at the water sprite. "You're the only one left."

He laughed and tossed the cigarette butt in the ashtray. "In that case, I guess you'll want a hug?"

"Hellz yeah! I got hugs from _every_one, except Sanzo, but he shook my hand and that counts. Now it's your turn."

"Then I guess this is goodbye," he chuckled, giving me a warm, brief hug, then letting me go. "Promise to not kill yourself, okay?"

I winced, "Aw, come on. Why'd you bring that up?"

"Because someone had to say it. Also, one more thing." A crafty look came across his face.

I narrowed one eye at him. "What's that?"

"This." He leaned down and kissed my forehead. "Stay safe, kid."

For some reason, Konran twitched and glared daggers at the kappa.

I just laughed. "Pervert," I chuckled, shoving his shoulder lightly. "Dude, if I ever come back…"

("Gods forbid…" groaned Sanzo, who was nursing still another migraine.)

"…either you better have shrunk or I better have grown, because the whole height difference thing just ain't going to work in this relationship," I sighed. I put on a mock-serious face, though it only lasted half a nanosecond.

"Eh? Height…difference?" Konran turned and frowned hard at me, as though studying my genetic makeup.

"Understood," Gojyo said with a sly grin.

"Time to go!" Chaos declared, taking hold of my elbow and turning me to face the glowing electric blue and silver mirror.

"Bye, Lydia!" Goku and Lirin bade in harmony. Everyone else just smiled or waved—Sanzo sat at the table with his back to the mirror and his head in his hands.

"C'ya, guys!" I yelled, throwing peace signs left and right like a trippy hippie as I walked to the mirror.

And when I reached it, I took a breath and stepped through…

* * *

**(Hello Old World)**

…right into a wall.

"Ow…" I rubbed my forehead, but it hadn't hurt as much since the wall was covered in what felt like satin pillows.

Had they sent me back to Happy Acres? Had everything been just a paranoid schizophrenic hallucination?! Was I in the new padded room in the Rudis Wing?! (3)

Kinda small and dark, though, but all around me were the soft pillows.

I knocked lightly on the wall—it was made of wood? But why? There were voices outside as well, and how was I supposed to breathe in this thing? They really needed to rethink their architecture. The portal was gone, and I was stuck in a two-by-four. Great.

I decided after some thought to ram it with my shoulder, and drew back against the opposite wall from what I suspected was the door—I had a knack for knowing the right way out of a padded cell.

Then in one swift move, I lunged forward, smashed the door in, and flew up into the sky.

Wait…sky?

Gravity decided to go a different direction then, and I fell back into the room and landed on my butt.

"Owww…" I groaned, grimacing and looking around for the first time.

And then I did a double-take. "What the hell?"

There were people out on the grass, sitting in cheap folding chairs and wearing dark clothes like some cult ritual gone über-goth, and all around were massive flower arrangements and stone structures. Beside me stared a blown-up picture of myself six months ago.

Hmm…creepy on several levels. Had I ascended to godlike status during my absence or something?

The audience was staring at me even harder than my picture was, and I frowned at them.

"What?"

In the far back two figures caught my attention, standing side by side, one in red and one in black, and both smiling as though they were in on some big joke.

I frowned at them for a while, and then I got the joke, and gaped at the front row of people.

There was my foster family, gawking in shock and joy and a whole crapload of other emotions I couldn't decipher in the point-oh-three seconds it took for me to spring down and scream, "I'M ALIVE! STOP THE FUNERAL! I'M NOT DEAD!"

Well…_I_ was okay now, but after the shock of seeing an empty coffin suddenly burst open to release a supposedly deceased girl, the priest had a heart attack and went into a coma.

But my family was happy to see me, at least, and Yumoa (alias: Yossarian) was instantly accepted as some obscure fourth cousin, thrice removed and twice raised by goats. Rhadymanthus hung around me for the sake of entertainment, just in case some crazy person might actually think the incident looked like "The Crow" come to life in the real world. Konran (alias: Andy…'cause I wanted to call him that)…well, he disappeared about halfway through, muttering something about there being too many people and dissolving into coal dust.

The reporters at my wake just stared at me when I told them that I was a former mental patient who had killed her biological parents at age seven—people rarely appreciate it when you say such things so casually—and that I'd returned from the grave to steal their firstborns. My mom and dad clung to me and let me say whatever the hell I wanted. I was alive, and that was more important than the mass media.

Everything was happy and joyous.

However…

That very same night, just when I thought I was free and home and warm and safe and _alone_ in my comfy, familiar bed, I reached for my other pillow…

…and found Chaos' silky hair instead. Behind him, Yumoa slept like a puppy on my sofa, cuddling Borg Bunny Bob.

Happy went bye-bye real quick. Pissed was the new happy.

I suddenly regretted not letting Sanzo just shoot him. Life would have been so much simpler that way.

I can't kill one. I can't get rid of the other. They're worse than New York cockroaches.

They're the Irony Gods.

* * *

**(_Author's Notes)_**

_(1) I only used the thesaurus once for this bit—to find a few synonyms for "shadow"—so hard to choose!_

_(2) Trans: "Exspectā Nihil"—­­Latin—"Expect Nothing"; I created it as a parallel to Sanzo's "Muchimotsu" (hold nothing)._

_(3) Trans: "Rudis"—Latin (fig.)—"half-baked"; I just thought it was cute._

_MUCH longer than expected, but that's okay. I loved writing that bit at the end where Sanzo forces Konran to take Lydia away. Oh, I giggled so hard that I cried. _

_HOWEVER, I still have to write The Sequel. (evil laugh) I'm having too much fun to end it now. _

_So? (nudge, nudge) You gonna review? Eh? PLEASE?

* * *

_

**_People Who Have Supported Me Most! (in order of recollection):_**

_**Eyes of Shinigami:** Thank you for seeing the JtHM influence in my work, and for giving such lovely comprehensive reviews that made me want to write faster. Plus, the fact that you notice all the ridiculous little twists and references and details I toss in just flabbergasts me. (love that word) May we share the madness in equal portions on alternating days. (nods)__You'll be seeing your quote very soon._** (Z?)**

_**Daark-Monkey:** Ditto, 'cept for the JtHM thing. You always manage to pick out what you like and tell me all about it, and the e-mails are great for keeping me motivated. I expect to see you at The Sequel. (chuckle) Glad I'm making you read!_

_**OceanQueenKai:** Ahoy, matie! Congrats on BOA and thank you so much for tolerating my insanity. I love all the quotes you send me, and all the weird ideas you toss into the hat. Not enough people do that…(cries) I hope you love The Sequel. I'm pouring all the madness I've ever experienced right into it._

_**angelus-2040: **Thanks for reading regularly and reviewing almost every update! It makes me all warm and fuzzeh when people do that. (You're not the only one who did, but you stuck out the most) I still need to buy GetBackers…shoot, gotta go do that. THANK YOU!_

_**buyokitty: **Man, you've been with me a long time. Thank you for that. I think I've lost some readers along the way…it hurts to be forgotten—but you never did, and thanks so much!_

_**EmpyrealFantasy:** My deepest thanks for supporting me and my sense of humor. I love making people laugh more than anything, and it's great to know that my writing style and chapter title format appealed to you. Keep up Complementary! I've missed a bunch of updates (sorry!) but I'll get to it whenever school gives me a break._

_**Pacioli: **Chica, I dunno where you went, but I'm sure it has something to do with school—or maybe that computer you kept complaining about. (laugh) Just get a cheap-ass eMachine and call it a day. It does what it has to…though Photoshop runs freaking slow. (sigh) Anyway, you were one of my best motivators back when I was having doubts, so _salamat_! (I know I spelled that wrong) Check out The Sequel if you can! AZN Pride!_

_**AngelSigma:** You gave me a monkey-load of reviews all in one go. I'm shocked that TIG was good enough to keep reading like that. Though, of course it may just be that my attention span is that of a fruit fly. Also, you may perhaps be the biggest Yumoa fan I've seen yet, which I find amazing since he's an OC—male OCs are **so** much cooler than female ones sometimes. Gah! Thank you!_

_**t: **Once I get The Sequel up and running, feel free to start hammering me with ideas. Anyone who reads Ros n Guil deserves that opportunity…someone else knew that work, but I can't remember who…grr…stupid brain. Thank you for comprehending the references!_

_**PIXIE:** You never actually read or reviewed, but you're one of the people who has given me the most support in all my literary endeavors, so thank you for that, home-slice…and for the B-Day autographed card. I just about DIED. I LOVE YOU!! XD_

_**chaosbfly: **You were my first reviewer—an honor, I must say, seeing as how "When Chibis Attack" was likely the first Saiyuki fic I ever read and you're somewhat legendary in my young eyes. Thank you for being frank with me when I needed it in the beginning, and for telling me what was good. In reality, what a writer really needs is all-round support, rather than constant compliments, so thank you so much. (Though I don't know whether you'll ever read this…erhem. Carry on.)_

_**And to everybody else**—108 reviews?! Hot damn! My goal was 50! I was desperate for 50! Thank you all! I BOW BEFORE THE READER'S MIGHT._

_C'yalls in The Sequel! Hopefully…(sob!) (sings "Man Overboard" by Blink -182) "So sorry, it's over…There's so much more that I wanted and there's so much more that I needed and time keeps moving on and on and on…soon we'll all be gone…" (cries)_

—_Cyh Scævola, the Chaos Theoryst OUT_


	33. Omake I: Birthday Bonanzas

**The Irony Gods: Omake I

* * *

**

_**(Author's Note) (07-15-08) (5:45AM) (Music: Slipknot & Twiztid)**_

_Today is my birthday, and as a present to myself, I'm writing the first of a possible series of Omake for TIG. I got what I wanted, a Western Digital 1TB My Book external hard drive, but this is a little extra since I'm in a good mood. This one is the Lyds' first birthday with the gods, plus some extra bits, since I'm in that sort of mood. I just thought I'd share. _

_The last quote here is my take on human nature._

_**Quote(s) of the Day:**__ "Once made equal to man, woman becomes his superior."—Socrates_

"_I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: 'O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.' And God granted it."—Voltaire_

"_To hold a pen is to be at war."—Voltaire_

"_To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid. You must also be well-mannered."—Voltaire_

"_I doubt if a single individual could be found from the whole of mankind free from some form of insanity. The only difference is one of degree. A man who sees a gourd and takes it for his wife is called insane because this happens to very few people."—Desiderius Erasmus_

* * *

_**Lydia: The First Happy Birthday**_

**(Close Call—About One Year After Togenkyo)**

I stared at the calendar, thinking that it was some sort of mistake, that Old Man Time had decided to play tricks with my head again, that maybe I'd forgotten my meds again...

Ah, if only life were so kind.

There it was, plain as day—THE day: B-day.

Time to go back to bed. Sleep the day away and reappear after midnight, when the danger was past.

I shut the blinds and curtains in haste, and leapt back under the covers. Sweet oblivion, take me away from this nightmare!

_CREEEEAK_.

The door squeaked open, and I opened my eyes in fear, listening intently to muffled footsteps as they tiptoed nearer and nearer. It was impossible! Did they know?! How did they know?! Why?!

"Hey, Lyds, it's time for breakfast. Get up already, would'ja?" Yossarian shuffled around the bed and into my line of sight, frowning in concern. "What's the matter? You feelin' okay?"

Huh? Wait...did this mean they didn't know? SCORE! Relief washed over me, and I let out the breath I had been holding.

"I'm fine, just sleepy," I responded with a real yawn. "It's cold and I'm tired. What time did Andy get up?"

"Around eight. He had a meeting with Hades about Cerberus' bath. It takes a lot of planning and horse tranquilizers."

I frowned, thanking my often-unlucky stars for at least not giving me the duties which my resident God of Chaos had to perform in the Underworld. "I can imagine." I drew the line at bathing Hellhounds, thank you very much.

"Anyway, I made bacon and eggs and hash browns and rice and toast and cheeseburgers!" the God of Comedy laughed in excitement, grabbing my arm and dragging me out of bed by force. "You're off today, so let's have a good breakfast, okay?"

Ah, farewell, respite. I know you tried...

I gave up. "Let me get dressed, then, wise guy."

* * *

**(Bizarre Nomalcy)**

I put on some black cargo pants and a Happy Noodle Boy T-shirt, then brushed out my bed-head and checked the alarm clock.

Ten AM? Ugh, it would have been nice to at least sleep in. Stupid gods, doing whatever the hell they wanted with my precious shut-eye time. I was going to have to set some rules if this live-in thing was going to last so long.

_It's nice to have the company, though, _yawned REASON.

I growled in reply, "It doesn't count. I could be at home enjoying mom's Cajun cooking, or watching Carl Edwards backflip off his door in victory lane with dad. Much more pleasant than being woken up at this ungodly hour." I needed caffeine bad.

Dragging my feet as loudly as I could to protest my plight, I left my (and Chaos') room and headed for the little, run-down kitchen which Yossarian had claimed as his own territory. Food made me sleepy, and I had errands to run if I wanted to survive the next week. This was going to be unpleasant.

"I'll serve you!" the god said cheerily when I entered.

I frowned at the spread. "Dude, you realize that I'm trying my damndest to budget my paycheck, don't you? Why the hell can't you seem to stop making five-course banquets every mealtime? We still have leftover turkey from when you decided to celebrate Thanksgiving in September, and it's already past Christmas, you doofus."

He just grinned. "I put most of the food in the freezer, so it doesn't spoil. That way, whenever I'm busy with stuff on Olympus, you and Chaos will have plenty to eat."

Right. And when was the last time he had gone to Olympus?

"Whatever. Where's my Dew?" I pulled out a chair and sat heavily, leering at a mountain the size of my torso of Angus steak roadhouse cheeseburgers—inches away from obvious breakfast foodstuffs.

Why? Just why?

"Oh, we're out of Mountain Dew, so I made you some mocha like how Andy makes," he went to the fridge and pulled out a pint glass filled to the brim with ice and caffeinated goodness, then set it in front of me with a smile.

Well...at least gods made good mocha. He'd even put whipped cream and a straw.

"Thanks," I murmured in relief, sipping steadily before tackling the feast before me. He threw a fit if I didn't sample one of everything, at least. It was a miracle that I hadn't lost my figure—then again, that may have been attributed to my heinous job selection. Some days, I felt like Don Quixote's poor horse: broken, tired, and trapped with crazy people who didn't seem to realize my fragile condition.

_It smells really good,_ HAPPINESS sighed. _You should just be glad that he knows how to cook this well._

"I suppose that's one upside to being plagued by deities," I muttered below Yossarian's cheerful humming as he prepared my plate. Then, a little louder, "Oy, Comedy, don't forget the soy sauce. I can't eat plain rice, remember?"

"I know!" He finished stacking my plate and poured the sauce, then set it in front of me. "Fork or chopsticks?"

"Fork. I feel lazy today." I took the utensil from him and frowned at my heaping plate, holding the fork as though preparing for battle, then resignedly dug in.

* * *

_**(The Underworld)**_

"_You accursed beast! Go back to sleep, damn you! Sleep!" Chaos shouted in frustration as the monstrous Hellhound shook from head to tail and sprayed thick shampoo suds all over the unlucky god._

"_Try singing to him," suggested Hades, who stood at a safe distance in his raincoat. "He likes that."_

"_I don't sing! I just want to go home and—hey, put that down! I've got —that's not food! Cerberus, DROP IT!" Before he could finish his sharp retort, he found himself wrestling the bucket of suds from the massive hound's middle head, while avoiding the snapping fangs of the other two. They did this every damn time..._

_Hades chuckled, enjoying the show and toying with the carbuncle on his right ring finger. He would have to bring Persephone over someday to see this spectacle. Chaos was too much fun, and that gloomy young lady never seemed to smile down here..._

"_Ow! My ass!" yelped Chaos when one of the side heads caught him in its teeth. "BAD DOG! Stop that!"_

"_Then don't make it so easy!" rumbled the beast, chuckling low in his throat and twirling the god around in circles._

"_Shut up and obey, stupid mutt! Don't make me call Hercules agaaaaaaaauuuuugh!"_

_Indeed. The God of the Underworld would definitely have to bring his bride next fall to see this little show._

* * *

**(Everyday Misadventures)**

I could barely move, I was so full, but I had to force myself to get cleaned up and go out. It was going to take days to digest that meal.

After brushing my teeth and taking the meds which Andy had entrusted to Comedy, I grabbed my purse and paused in the kitchen doorway. "Hey, I need to recharge the Dew supply and pick up some groceries," I called to the god as he washed our breakfast dishes.

"Chaos should be home around when you get back," he replied over his shoulder. "Could you pick up some laundry softener, too? I've got a few loads to finish, but we're out."

"Will do." Sometimes, he was too responsible. It used to throw me off, but now it was as normal as my own schizophrenia.

There was a flapping noise, and Rhadymanthus, Kon's pet raven, fluttered around from the living room, carrying a five-dollar bill in his beak. He perched on my outstretched wrist and I took the money.

"I'd really like some tenderloin," he whispered in my ear, giving me a freakishly knowing look with one beady black and red eye.

"Beef or pork?" I sighed. Talking birds. They were all pushy little bastards.

"Surprise me." At that, he took off, cackling in that crowing way of his.

Why couldn't Chaos have a dog? Dogs didn't have the lingual capacity to speak the way birds did. Stupid chicken. All he ever did was order me around and insult me.

Outside, I locked the rickety front door in case one of the neighborhood gangs decided to screw my life up more than it already was, and when I turned around, I froze in shock.

Bigfoot! Bigfoot was standing in my way, holding a measuring cup and wearing hand-me-down clothes! He was the shaggiest creature I'd ever seen!

I took a surprised step back, holding in a scream; and he took a lumbering step forward, holding the cup out to me. "Sorry to bother you, but could you spare a cup of sugar? It's my son's birthday and I didn't have time to run to the store," he said in perfectly understandable English.

I screamed anyway and bolted. "I'm to young to be killed by Bigfoot!" I cried as I zipped by and rushed down the stairs to the parking lot.

I reached my beat-up old Chevy Celebrity in seconds, collapsing against the driver's-side door and panting in exhaustion. Ah, I was gonna get heartburn, and Bigfoot was spawning little Bigfeet, and Yumoa was all alone to fend for himself until Andy got back.

"Best of luck, Comedy," I whispered, unlocking the door, wrenching it open after a brief struggle, and finally getting it started with a pair of pliers. The car was so ghetto that the only way to start it was via hotwiring. I was getting sick of my life by the day, and today was the worst day so far.

As usual, nothing went right, but today seemed to be the day when all my bad karma was scheduled to crash down upon my broken world. The numbers were _not_ in my favor.

First, the car broke down on the highway, and I had to wait an hour before the was engine was cool enough to drive again. It didn't matter than there was snow on the ground and my hands were frostbitten—the damned hunk of metal was just ornery and hot-headed.

Then, the sixteen-year-old high school dropout with the steel eyebrows at the meat counter in the supermarket couldn't tell the difference between a porkchop and a beef tenderloin. That took fifteen minutes of charades and REASON talking me away from the edge.

Next, this chick Raquel and her friend Chloe, old, estranged classmates from biology, ran into me and started asking awkward questions about the two men people kept seeing me with. Apparently, word had already gotten around the school, and people, as usual, were assuming the worst. What pissed me off was that the truth was just as shady as the rumors. If Ryushi had been with me, they would never have spoken again, but instead I was forced to use my fail-safe escape technique:

"I've got Montezuma's Revenge like you wouldn't _believe_, so I've really gotta go. No pun intended."

After that, the ancient cashier newbie couldn't figure out the "newfangled scanner-mabobs," and spent an hour relearning and sending my crap back for price checks. I was at the end of my tether and gnashing my proverbial teeth at this point—in my head. Anger management was at last paying off, it seemed.

And finally, as though fate had saved up all of its energy for the grand finale, a pigeon bombed my head with freakishly purple bird poop, just as I stepped out of the car in the parking lot of my apartment complex.

I wanted to cry. This always happened on my birthday. I had always blamed it on the Irony Gods in the past, but at this point the truth was more than obvious: the universe simply hated me. Four hours after leaving, I shuffled through the snow and trudged up the stairs to my apartment, weighed down by seven bags of groceries, a lump of poo the size of my fist, and a lifetime's worth of self-loathing. Indeed, I should never have gotten up this morning.

All I could hope for now was a swift end to the day—I would go to bed as soon as I put the stuff away.

* * *

**(Indifferent Welcome)**

Comedy wasn't around when I finally got into the apartment and locked the door behind me using my pinkie finger—the only free digit I had at that moment. Usually, he would already have been on the doorstep, welcoming me home and grinning like the idiot he often was, but this time it was just quiet.

Odd, but I couldn't possibly have given any less of a damn. I needed a shower.

Too impatient to care, I put the cold foodstuffs away and left the rest on the counter for Yossarian to deal with whenever he got back—he was nitpicky about the cupboards, anyway. I just wanted to shower and sleep the rest of the day into oblivion.

I felt better after washing up, and even more so after I dried my hair and got back under the covers.

There. Now I could forget everything and put my mind at ease. It was my birthday, yet I knew not to hope for presents, so I wasn't disappointed. My only issue was terrible luck.

But sleep made all of the bad things go away...

* * *

_**(Late Arrival)**_

"_I'm really sorry about that, Mr. Morrison," Comedy apologized to the surprisingly hairy next-door neighbor. "She's having a bad day, is all, and her meds probably hadn't had time to kick in."_

_Mr. Morrison laughed it of and patted his clingy son on the head. "I know how it can be. Petey here can throw a tantrum like no other. Anyway, thanks for the sugar. Now he can have a happy birthday."_

_The god frowned, then blanched despite his healthy tan. "B-birthday? What's today's date?!"_

"_January seventeenth. Nice day for a birthday, isn't it?"_

_Comedy nodded distantly. "Uh, yeah. Have a happy birthday Petey. Sorry I can't play, but I've got something important to do."_

_He hurried away while Petey and his dad waved goodbye, and looked over the railing to the parking lot below. She was already home. Shoot! Not enough time!_

_Back in the apartment, instead of Lydia, he found Chaos in the kitchen, removing a tattered shirt and throwing it in the trash can. The groceries were on the counter, and the frozen foods were in the freezer, but Lydia wasn't around._

"_What's up?" asked the exhausted god as he sat in one of the chairs and struggled out of his drenched leather boots. "You look like Hera's thrown another fit."_

"_I just got back from apologizing to Mr. Morrison next door for Lydia calling him Bigfoot and denying his son's birthday cake sugar." He spoke in an impatient rush, before whispering almost as an afterthought, "Also, today's Lydia's birthday."_

"_Uh, oh." Andy froze at those fateful words, then set his boots aside and frowned at Comedy. "Seventeen on a seventeenth—ten times the effect. What should we do?"_

"_She's probably already sleeping...wait, I've got an idea!" He grinned and gave Chaos a thumbs-up sign. "We already have a plan, remember?" Then he vanished._

_For a long moment, the god sat in his chair, worrying about his equivalent. He cared so much about her happiness, but there were some things that were beyond even his power. The Fates had played a cruel trick with that poor girl's tapestry. To think that her misfortune was determined by birthdays and number games...Clothos really needed a better hobby than that._

_In the end, all he could do was shower off the mutt-hair and dog shampoo, and join her in the bed. At the very least, he would protect her from the cold, and trust that Comedy remembered exactly what those plans were._

* * *

**(Curse Reversal)**

Despite the icy chill of the unheated apartment, a soothing warmth eased my tense muscles and trivial worries away, and I huddled closer to it. I was on the border between sleep and consciousness, where everything felt dreamy and safe. Someone was murmuring softly to me, and lightly stroking my hair, and I could vaguely tell that I was murmuring back in broken sentences.

I had found peace and quiet at last, and I fell asleep without a worry.

A few hours later my body had finally caught up to its sleep quota for the day, and I blinked my eyes open when I realized that Andy was back and holding me tightly. I didn't mind it anymore, especially in winter when his body heat more than made up for our broken stove, so I stayed still and let myself wake up gradually. Besides, he was probably thoroughly thrashed from Cerberus' bath time. Even I thought he deserved a break once in a while.

However, like clockwork, he opened his eyes a couple of minutes after me. Whenever I woke up, he did soon after, but it didn't work the other way around. I wasn't sure if he was just overly sensitive to my status, or whether it was an equivalency thing.

"Yo," I murmured, yawning and rubbing the dried tears out of my eyes. "How's Tartarus these days?"

"As terrible as it ever was," he replied, smiling a little and resting head forehead against mine. "Hades' sense of humor has gotten worse, and Cerberus bit me again. I'm about to start making that disgustingly rich king start paying compensation for the clothes his pet keeps ruining."

"Good idea. I'm running out of money."

"Also, did you know that the man you called Bigfoot earlier was our next door neighbor, Mr. Morrison? He just wanted to borrow sugar for his son's birthday cake."

I blinked, then looked away, suddenly embarrassed. "Oops. It was a rough morning..."

"What about the rest of the day? Are you okay?"

I frowned at him, then responded slowly, "Yeah...just tired."

"Are you sure? You're seventeen now, you know."

That made me frown even harder, and I buried my face back against the pillow, intent on sleeping some more. These two were too much. If they knew it was my birthday, then I was guaranteed something ostentatious and stupid, and probably expensive. Then, it would all go wrong, and I'd be embarrassed on national television or something. My luck was _exactly_ that terrible.

"You could have said something," he mused aloud. "We didn't even have time to get you a present."

I gripped the front of his silk shirt. "Please, Chaos. I just want it to end. Let me sleep, okay?" I looked up and couldn't see his eyes, almost missing their soft green glow.

"Lydia, I'm sorry, but I'll feel guilty forever if I don't do this."

Before I could say anything, his arms were around me, lifting me off the bed and taking me away from my one safe haven. I protested, squirming and demanding that he put me down, but he just laughed and carried me out the door, towards the living room.

There would be a posse of people I barely knew. There would be an elaborate cake that would make a huge mess of the rug when somebody dropped it. The ice cream would be melted and warm. It would be yet another nightmarish birthday catastrophe, and I would be the butt of every joke.

I shut my eyes tightly, willing the nightmare to stop, to release me from whatever curse I had been placed under since birth.

"Ah, he's ready. That's good."

"Happy birthday, Lyds!"

I didn't want to look. Looking would just confirm my worst fears and leave me with yet another scar.

"Open your eyes, birthday girl," Chaos whispered in my ear.

The closeness made me flinch and open my eyes in surprise...and I paused before I could scream at the gods to leave me alone, instead frowning at the scene before me.

Comedy stood between the couch and the coffee table, holding a tray with a tiny little cake and grinning happily while Rhad perched on his shoulder, looking awkward. A ring of what I assumed were seventeen candles flickered around the edge of the little chocolate wonder, matching his eyes.

While I stared in confusion, they sang the birthday song—Yossarian added a few extra stanzas for the hell of it, though none of them had anything to do with birthdays, and everything to do with apple cider and fried chicken—then Andy brought me over to the cake and set me on the shaggy wool carpet. I'd never heard Chaos sing before...he had a nice voice, actually...

"Make a wish, Princess," he said gently, startling me out of my awe. Comedy lowered the cake in front of me and I frowned.

"Hurry up. I'm missing dinner for this," the bird complained uncomfortably.

"Wait, nobody else is here?" I asked, my voice shaking just a little. "No strangers or estranged classmates? No serial-killer clowns or ponies that die as soon as I sit on them?" Experience had taught me that Murphy harbored some severe contempt against me.

Chaos wrapped an arm around my shoulders and smiled, shaking his head. "No. It's just you and us. Now, go on. Wish for something nice."

I looked back to the ring of fire, still uncertain, then closed my eyes.

_How about wishing for your birthday to go right for once? _suggested REASON.

_Ask for a new car and a million dollars and all the lottery winnings! s_houted GREED.

I shook my head. I needed to make a better wish than both of those combined, and the rest of the voices hushed in anticipation.

_I wish Chaos and Comedy would make me happy like this more often,_ I whispered deep in my heart, then opened my eyes and blew out the candles in one puff, sending birthday smoke up into the broken detector. For once, it didn't start wailing. Odd.

"Excellent!" cheered Yossarian, whisking the cake away and setting it on the coffee table next to a set of plates. He made quick work of it, cutting it into three sections and serving us, then hurrying into the kitchen and bringing back some orange sorbet while I watched in amusement. It was his purpose in life to make people happy, it seemed. His methods were sometimes awkward, but his heart was too pure to ignore.

Rhad had decided that enough was enough, and went to the kitchen to eat his tenderloin, but I still appreciated his effort. Maybe the bird wasn't a complete loss, after all.

Once Comedy was done, Andy cleared his throat to get our attention, and said with authority. "Now, for the grand finale." Before I could demand to know if he'd planned something outrageous, he reached up and pulled a small box out of the empty air, grinning when my jaw dropped. "Time to watch cartoons!" he chuckled, handing me the item.

It was the entire second season of Saiyuki, and before I could stop myself I was bawling like a five-year-old, causing the gods to panic and immediately start fussing over me.

I brushed their hands away and shook my head, clutching the box tightly. "No, I'm fine," I hiccuped. "This is just the first thing that's gone right on my birthday, ever."

"Of course!" laughed Comedy. "Chaos and I are here with you, so it has to go right."

I didn't care if it was their status as gods or if my luck had decided to hang around for once. I wrapped an arm around each of them and held tight. They really could work miracles when it counted. I'd never been so happy.

"Now, let's break these in, shall we?" Andy suggested when I finally let go. He took the DVDs from me and put the first disc into the player, then turned on the TV and returned. "Come on, everybody on the couch."

I immediately took the middle seat between the gods, where the view was the best; and Yossarian grabbed the wool blanket from the sofa arm and threw it over our legs, then sat on my right.

"Warm enough?" asked my divine half as he held the remote at ready.

I was sandwiched between them, and despite the freezing chill of the apartment, their warmth seeped into my bones. I grinned at him. "I'm good. Press play."

He did so with a laugh, and we ended up spending the entire night watching a marathon.

However, I was the only one with the stamina to keep watching when the hour grew late, and after a while I realized that both of them had fallen asleep. Comedy had curled up around a throw pillow like a puppy, and Chaos slept deeply with his head on my shoulder and an arm around my waist, clearly still exhausted from his ordeal with Cerberus.

I didn't mind, though. I smiled and rested my temple against his soft hair, sighing softly while people I knew personally battled against a different set of gods than mine on the TV screen. I had been in that tower, eaten with that monkey, argued with that priest, feared that monocle, teased that redhead...so many memories, so many connections to the life I had now, the friends I had now.

"Thank you, Chaos," I whispered to the closer of the gods, and the one who spent the most time with me.

"Anything to make you happy," he murmured in reply, despite the fact that he really was asleep.

For the first time, I acknowledged them as people who were precious to me. Maybe it didn't matter that we argued so often. They really did care about me, and with this birthday fresh in my memory, I realized that I truly cared about them, too. These two were mine, my Irony Gods since my earliest memories...the only people who had ever given me a truly happy birthday. I now treasured them for it.

I couldn't wait until my next birthday.

...

FIN.

* * *

**A/N: The following is a cute little one-shot that's been rolling around in my head for a while now. Hope you like it! It fits with the theme of this Omake.**

_**Kougaiji: The Second Cake**_

_**(Manic Patissier)**_

_Yaone frowned in concentration as she carefully made the necessary adjustments to complete the final version of her greatest masterpiece yet. Just a little more...a little more...there!_

_Wiping her brow, she set her tools aside and propped her hands on her hips with a proud smile. At last, after three days of planning, forty hours of trial and error, and absolutely no sleep whatsoever, she had completed her task!_

_She had created the world's most perfect birthday cake._

"_Now to get everything else ready," she mused cheerily to herself, setting the large dome lid over the confectionary _magnum opus _and removing her flour-encrusted apron. Smoke and particulates of powdered sugar hung in the air like silt at the bottom of a lake, but she had grown used to it after a while. There was no time to clean up, so she would have to get one of the servants to do it while she finished preparations._

_With utmost caution, she carried the heavy cake over to the open fridge, set it gently inside, and shut the door as she let out the breath she had been holding. The lack of sleep was making her slightly more manic than usual, but that also meant extra care was taken to protect the cake. Mistakes were unforgivable in her mind._

_Unfortunately, as she was leaving Houtou Castle's massive kitchen, she didn't notice the suspicious shadow moving just beyond the veil of smoke and sugar._

* * *

_**(Party Time)**_

_Kougaiji had no idea what was going on. All he knew was that Yaone and Dokugakuji had left him a strange note to come to Yaone's private quarters. He dug through the pocket of his trailing white vest and pulled the small piece of parchment out, reading it again and still getting nothing more out of it. Granted, Yaone had been strangely evasive for the past few days, and Dokugaku had been keeping his room locked tightly of late, but the Prince had simply assumed that the evil whore had been doing shady things again._

_He had never been so wrong in his life._

"_**SURPRISE!!" **_

_As soon as he opened the door to Yaone's room, he was blasted by a flurry of confetti, streamers, and silly string. Indeed, he was surprised. So surprised that he shut the door and immediately made a beeline for his own room while ripping off the tangled mess of foam and paper strings._

_However, his ambushers would not have this, and quickly had him surrounded, before ushering him back to the room and locking him in._

"_Happy birthday, my Lord!" Yaone greeted after she swallowed the key._

_Kougaiji just stared at her, unsure as to how he should respond._

"_This is your first birthday with the four of us together, so she's kind of making a big deal about it," the swordsman said as he clapped a hand on Kou's shoulder. "Sorry, skinny, but you're just gonna have to have some fun, whether you want to or not." His hand squeezed slightly, almost desperately. "She hasn't let sleep for the past three days. I'm sure you understand."_

_The Prince, yet again, had no response, and instead looked to Lirin._

_His little sister grinned sheepishly and shook her head, making it clear that he would just have to endure it._

_For the first time in his life, he would rather have been in his father's revival chamber, arguing with the whore. He plucked a stray piece of confetti out of his hair and sighed in resignation. "All right. Let's get this over with," he muttered._

_First, it was presents. Lirin gave him a meatbun, and he thanked her as sincerely as he could despite the rather unorthodox gift. At least he understood how difficult it must have been for the girl not to eat it. In a way, it was rather sweet of her._

_Doku's gift was a decorative sword several hundred years old. It had an exotic shape, curved like an Arabian scimitar with elaborate designs all down the sides which were reminiscent of Celtic knots. The hilt was made of solid gold and wrought into a fine, lacy guard as intricate as the finest Turkish jewelry; the grip was bound by a net of tiny pearls strung together with white gold wire; and the pommel was ornamented with a beautiful star ruby, polished to perfection. It was an appropriate gift from a swordsman, and Kougaiji was truly pleased._

_Lastly, Yaone gave him a simple mahogany box, and he frowned at it in confusion._

"_Open it," she urged, smiling a little too brightly. "I searched all over for it."_

_Deciding that it would be for the best if he just did as he was told, he unhooked the tiny latch and lifted the hinged lid, blinking in surprise at the contents._

_It was a crystal sphere made from moonstone, and it gave off a bright, shimmering glow._

"_That's one of the rarest summons out there," the apothecary said proudly. "I bartered it from a merchant who thought it was just a decoration. You can use it whenever you find an appropriate enemy."_

"_Thank you," he murmured, studying the summon sphere and finding himself impressed. It really was a lovely gift. He smiled at Yaone. "It's perfect."_

_She blushed deeply and laughed. "I'm so happy you like it, Lord Kougaiji." As though trying to keep herself from getting too happy, she hurried over to the kitchen and came back, holding a large tray with a silver domed lid. "Now, for the cake! I spent hours and hours and hours and...well, it took a long time, but I finally got the results I wanted. I hope you like it."_

_Kou and Doku gathered around the table where Yaone set the tray down, and Lirin trailed behind, standing close to her brother's side and gripping his hand tightly._

_Noticing his sister's odd behavior, Kougaiji looked down and gave her a questioning look._

_She shook her head frantically, eyes wide and seemingly horrified._

"_Lirin, what's...?"_

_He didn't get to finish, because he was suddenly cut off by a piercing, anguished scream._

"_What happened?!" Startled, he looked to Yaone, who held the dome lid in her hand and gaped in horror at what had been waiting underneath._

_Slowly, fearing the worst, he allowed his eyes to lower to the tray, and—the lid came down before he could see._

"_Yaone, what is it?" he demanded, surprised when the frantic woman grabbed the entire thing and began marching towards the exit._

_Before he had a chance to repeat himself, she gave the locked door a savage kick and it buckled outwards to everyone's shock. As the dust cleared, it was clear that she had already escaped. He turned to Doku, but the swordsman followed too quickly after Yaone, giving the Prince no time to get any answers._

_Only one person remained, and he frowned down at Lirin._

"_Why is she so upset?" he asked slowly, fearing he already knew the answer to that question._

_She gave a sheepish laugh, and scratched her head, letting go of his hand to take a few nervous steps back._

"_Lirin. Answer me."_

"_I didn't know!" she burst out suddenly. "I was just hanging around looking for one of the cooks, and I found it in the fridge and..."_

"_Just tell me what you did," Kougaiji interrupted with a tired sigh, now positive that he knew the answer._

_Lirin hung her head in shame._

"_I ate your birthday cake."_

_Ah. As expected._

_He sighed again and took her hand. "Well, let's go and apologize, then."_

"_Happy birthday, though," she said softly, following his lead. "Sorry I ruined it." To her surprise, he laughed, and she gave him a confused look. "What'cha laughin' for?"_

_He shook his head and let go of her hand to pat her hair. "You didn't ruin anything except for the cake. Really, it was enough just to spend my birthday with people I trust."_

_Her eyes lit up with joy. "Really?!"_

_He chuckled, "Really. Now, let's go spend it with them, okay?"_

"_Okay! Let's all make the cake together!"_

"_All right."_

"_YIPPEE!!"_

_For the record, the second masterpiece was still delicious, and Yaone returned to normal after a good night's sleep._

_..._

FIN.

* * *

**(**_**Author's Note)**_

_Wow. This went better than I had expected. Usually, when I do a one-shot, I quit halfway through from lack of ideas..._

_Please tell me what you thought of this! If you really liked it, then I'll do more of these inbetweeny things, okay?_

—_Cyh Scævola, the Chaos Theoryst OUT_


End file.
